Nikki Sahagin Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I'll try to keep this succinct as possible. I met my boyfriend (he is an Aussie) whilst I was traveling abroad. We were both late for the same flight. We kept in touch during our time apart and met when we were in the same city. I continued my traveling around Oz, went to stay with him for a week and continued the rest of my travels before coming back to him. I stayed with him for a good few months, flew home for some family matters and came back to him again. I am now in Australia for a year on a working holiday visa. I truly love my boyfriend but I am beginning to feel that things are not working between us. I am not a believer that the grass is greener and I believe in love and working on the rare and special love I've found. The problem is that lately I feel I am doing all the work alone. I'm turning to loveshack hopefully for some guidance to help me work through the mess. 1. It quickly became apparent that my boyfriend is a regular weed smoker. Apparently he was high when we first met though I honestly can't say I noticed. I have a tolerant approach to drugs but I do not want to be involved with an addict. Over time, I realised that my boyfriend is not just a recreational user, but what I would call an addict. That is, when he is able to smoke, he will, and when he doesn't he is really edgy and grumpy. 2. When we first met my bf told me had a son that lived in a different country. I admired how upfront and honest he was and as he is 32, I didn't consider this a deal breaker. People have baggage and a history and he had his son when he was only 19. The thing that bothers me is that my bf does not pay child support. This is because his work situation (which I will get to shortly is a real mess), but I still find it to be a really unattractive trait in a man to not support his children. 3. My bfs work situation...where do I start. When we first met my bf told me he was a laborer. When I went to his house it was a huge house and I asked how he could afford it. Then he led me to the bottom of the house - the house belonged to his exes family. He was living in the basement. I hid my shock as we were around company. He later told me he didn't tell me he was living there because he was embarrassed and if he'd told me I'd have thought he was a loser. He told me that he used to rent out his own place with his dad and ex, but the ex and dad both moved out and he couldn't afford to pay rent alone so he lost the place. Because he fell on hard times, he had to move into the basement. I was not happy about leaving under his ex or in a basement. We no longer live there. We now live with his friend (I don't like his friend much either) but overall the arrangement is better. The main problem is that my bf works in a business with his best friend but his best friend never pays him. My bf works most days for his friend and never gets paid. I believe that his friend keeps the money for himself, lies that the clients don't pay and my bf for fear of rocking the boat accepts this (yes this is the misogynist I reference in my other post). He also has debt from his past (I think a higher purchase fine). He isn't paying this off either. So basically my bf never has any money. If we go out, I usually pay and he owes me back later. I am not a gold digger but it really bothers me that my bf never has any money to spoil me or take me out. At this rate we wouldn't even be able to afford our own place or food. I keep telling my bf to just leave the business partner and do his own thing but he won't. I'm starting to lose respect for him for not taking the initiative to just leave. Because he goes to work all day and never gets paid, he always comes home grumpy, snappy and sleepy. I'm starting to feel like I just am not getting anything back from the relationship. Also I really dislike his friends. I know its not necessary to like your partners friends but it makes me wonder if I basically can't stand them all, what does that say about my boyfriends taste? I find most of them immature, irresponsible, addicts, alcoholics, cheats or just plain annoying. I like 2 of them out of all! The reasons I'm tempted to stay are: - I do truly love him - I don't see him as a bad person, but troubled - When we get on we really get on; have fun, great convo, amazing sex. - He is a loyal, faithful partner - I am ready for a relationship and afraid to have to leave one and start over - I'm scared to regret my choice I know that in reading this its bad; drugs, money issues, work problems, but yet I do still love him. I loved him before these issues became apparent so I'm not sure how to unlove him now. I don't know whether this is a 'bad patch' that we can get through or if this is just his life and I should run. Any guidance? Edited January 16, 2015 by Nikki Sahagin Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 The relationship you have today is the relationship you have. If you're not happy with it today, you won't be happy with it next week, or next month, or next year. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hi Nikki, I'm quite concerned for you, to be honest. Your bf's 'best friend' and his business sound all sorts of shady - if he were truly being lied to about his pay then Fair Work Australia could probably help him sort things out. Also Aussie has quite a few social welfare programs, so he would not need to fear starving to death if he left his friend's business and started looking for another job, that actually pays. He hasn't set a very good precedent by deceiving you about his living situation - are you sure he is being honest about the situation with his friend? I think there is a possibility his friend (and maybe even him) could be doing something illegal, or he is being paid in drugs. If he isn't willing to turn his life around - go to rehab, and start looking for another job - I think you should leave. It isn't likely to get better, and if you end up in a long-term relationship with this guy, he isn't going to be a good partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hi OP. Just re-read points 1,2 and 3 again please. Without the other stuff in your post. You know how guys like that are called in Oz, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hi all. Thanks for the responses. satu....thats v true. emilia...bogans? Elswyth....at this point id believe anything of the business partner. I dont trust him at all and havent since first we met. As for my partner I 100% dont think he is lying. He is always very distressed about the lack of pay. Howevee it is a possibility but my bf is many things if not a liar. I honestly dont think my bf is involved in anything more than weed. I think he is just passive/lacks backbone when it comes to seeking new employment and standing up to the partner even with the living arangement he did not lie. Well I suppose a lie by omission. He asked me to stay with him. I assumed it was his place. Arrived and saw it was the garage. So I 100% trust that there are no hard drugs involved on my partners side, possibly the biz partner Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hi Nikki, I'm quite concerned for you, to be honest. Your bf's 'best friend' and his business sound all sorts of shady - if he were truly being lied to about his pay then Fair Work Australia could probably help him sort things out. Also Aussie has quite a few social welfare programs, so he would not need to fear starving to death if he left his friend's business and started looking for another job, that actually pays. He hasn't set a very good precedent by deceiving you about his living situation - are you sure he is being honest about the situation with his friend? I think there is a possibility his friend (and maybe even him) could be doing something illegal, or he is being paid in drugs. If he isn't willing to turn his life around - go to rehab, and start looking for another job - I think you should leave. It isn't likely to get better, and if you end up in a long-term relationship with this guy, he isn't going to be a good partner. I just asked my bf if there was a chance that the biz partner was working for drugs instead of cash. He said its pretty much impossible as they deal with high end clients but he added that the biz partner tells him nothing so he wouldnt know for sure. I trust my bfs answer though. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hi all. Thanks for the responses. satu....thats v true. emilia...bogans? Elswyth....at this point id believe anything of the business partner. I dont trust him at all and havent since first we met. As for my partner I 100% dont think he is lying. He is always very distressed about the lack of pay. Howevee it is a possibility but my bf is many things if not a liar. I honestly dont think my bf is involved in anything more than weed. I think he is just passive/lacks backbone when it comes to seeking new employment and standing up to the partner even with the living arangement he did not lie. Well I suppose a lie by omission. He asked me to stay with him. I assumed it was his place. Arrived and saw it was the garage. So I 100% trust that there are no hard drugs involved on my partners side, possibly the biz partner I would say passive, apathetic, and naive. He'll probably never change, as he lacks the drive to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
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