I don't think he gets it.

[SpiralOut]

I don't think my boyfriend gets it that I'm introverted and need space. I've explained it several times before. I've had to be firm with my boundaries before.

 

 

I really like him and I want it to work. However, I am getting frustrated that I need to keep explaining things. He likes to move much faster than me. After we'd been dating for two weeks he told me he could easily see me every day! He would then text me almost every day asking to stop by and see me. I had to be very blunt and tell him "I need alone time tonight." I had to tell him this often. Don't get me wrong, I still made time to see him like 2-3 times a week but I still found his attention to be excessive.

 

 

There was an incident when he showed up at my apartment without calling first to see if I would be okay with it. The phone rang and he was in the lobby. I let him in, but I was totally freaked out. Then he got upset and told me that "any other girl would have been excited." Well I am not any other girl. I was also about to do some praying, which is very private, and I didn't like him interrupting this. I find it rude that someone would just show up without asking if it is a good time for me. When I explained how I felt he tried to blame it on me for not telling him to not surprise me. As if I was supposed to know he would do that??

 

 

Most recent incident was yesterday. He had come over the night before at my invitation. I had told him that I needed the next afternoon to myself so I could get some things done. He said okay. The next morning we woke up late. Again, I told him I needed the afternoon to get things done. We had plans for that night and I needed to be alone to recharge before doing anything else. I simply cannot spend 48 hours with someone like that. We still haven't been dating that long.

 

 

He decided (without asking me!!) that he would hang out at my place while I get my stuff done. Meanwhile, I was watching TV and waiting for him to leave. I finally got fed up and asked him what he was doing. It was almost time for us to go out and I hadn't had any time to myself that day! . I was stressed out and angry that he wasn't leaving. He finally left and told me afterwords that he felt that he had been "rushed." How had I rushed him?? I told him the night before AND first thing in the morning that I wanted the day to myself and he didn't listen!!

 

 

We ended up cancelling our evening plans. He acted like it was no big deal but I was upset. I was really excited for our plans. We had to cancel them because he didn't listen when I told him to go away. That's what it boils down to. Then it makes me feel like a bitchy girlfriend for wanting him to leave, but I need my space. I am the type of person who becomes very agitated and upset if I can't be alone. I have told him so many times, over and over, that I need lots of space. By the time he left yesterday I was so upset that it took me two hours to calm down.

 

 

I don't know why he doesn't understand. Am I not being clear enough?

 

 

Oh, and it is now getting to the point where I'm worried he'll break up with me because I am constantly pushing him away. But that's only because he is so needy!! I actually feel as though I should be saying sorry to him right now, even though really he owes me an apology too. He ignored what I said on purpose!!

 

 

I am also confused about why doesn't he have other things to do? He has his own house and a dog. Doesn't he need to go walk the dog or do laundry or something? And he has lots of family living in the area. Doesn't he want to go see them? He told me he hardly sees his friends or family anymore. That's his own choice though. I would prefer that he go see them sometimes.

Edited December 21, 2014 by SpiralOut

[ktya]

No offense, but you make a horrible girlfriend. I dont think your ready for an exclusive or committed relationship.

 

I really enjoy my alone time too, and i will start to go nuts if i dont get enough as well.

 

But you seem to need it too badly.

 

He stays the night, you two sleep in together, and you have evening plans. You become outraged that he sticks around instead of going home for the afternoon, and end up cancelling evening plans over it.

 

I understand that you.crave alone time and were hoping to pray, etc. But if i had a girlfriend id honestly be very concerned that you were seeing other people given what your telling him. Hes probably popping by unexpectedly because hes afraid there are other guys coming around. Your behavior is, for a new boyfriend, totally suspicious.

 

Im not saying thats what your doing because if you were you wouldnt have posted the above but if you were my new girlfriend acting that way id be placing my bets that there were multiple other men in the picture.

[SpiralOut]

I disagree completely with everything you just said. There is nothing wrong with someone having boundaries in a relationship.

 

 

And for the record, if he DID stop by because he was worried I was seeing someone else, that's really not cool at all. That's controlling. Thankfully my bf isn't like that. He just wanted to surprise me because he missed me. However, I find it interesting that you find it okay for a man to check in on his girlfriend to make sure she's behaving.

Edited December 21, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Okay I just spoke to him and he is okay with us moving slower. I'm so glad that he didn't take it personally or jump to the wrong conclusion. I need to be more clear in the future. I have a bad habit of dropping hints instead of being upfront.

[ktya]

I disagree completely with everything you just said. There is nothing wrong with someone having boundaries in a relationship.

 

 

And for the record, if he DID stop by because he was worried I was seeing someone else, that's really not cool at all. That's controlling. Thankfully my bf isn't like that. He just wanted to surprise me because he missed me. However, I find it interesting that you find it okay for a man to check in on his girlfriend to make sure she's behaving.

 

There's a difference between boundaries and something that comes across as suspicous. No matter how much he likes you, he at this point does have something to lose. Your insistence on spending time alone, while I completely understand it, would come across as suspicous to most people. Not so much in "sorry I can't see you today, I need some quiet time", but in "why will you not leave me alone for the afternoon when we woke up together and we're going out later".

 

I wouldn't quite say he was "checking in on his girlfriend to make sure she's behaving", but rather to pop by to surprise you for something nice to do and hope not to discover something you dont want to.

 

I had a girlfriend who was somewhat like you when it came to alone time (from the BFs perspective). I was out of work and out of money and I was taking lots of long walks. I knew her work schedule and when I knew she was off I would offer to come over to her place sometimes. Once I was literally walking right by her house and asked her if I could come in, and she said no. That was really suspicous and weird, especially as I offered to just hang out for a cup of coffee and be on my way.

 

Turned out she was a serious gambling addict and she was hiding it. So my spidey senses rang true.

 

Obviously, if you are dying to get alone time so you can do things like pray, there's nothing nefarious going on. You just need to convey to him what it is that you need to do and why having him around impedes that in a way that he can understand and is not hurtful. You might try perhaps sharing some of your religion with him, for example.

 

Hopefully he didn't take your conversation the wrong way. If you are not very clear with him about your reasons for needing alone time, and he is somewhat suspicious that you are either losing interest or there are other men involved, that might actually make him fear that even more.

 

If I were you I would share a lot with him about what you do in your alone time. Be it your religion, your introversion, or whatever reasons ring true to you. As long as he understands, he wont have fears in the void of information.

[Gloria25]

SpiralOut...

 

I feel ya, maybe we should date...lol.

 

I am loyal, loving, sexin', cool to hang out with chick. I don't want some guy's money, I don't want him to do "handyguy" stuff for me....

 

I just want his time, at a certain pace.

 

Unfortunately, while I've never been through what you described, I've had guys lose interest cuz I wasn't "available" as much as many people consider is "normal" in a RL.

 

I don't need to hear from you every day. Seeing you maybe once or twice a week is enough.

 

But, that's one reason I've gravitated towards FWBs, casual RLs or married/involved guys...

 

But, not working out for me. I don't know what more to do.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He sounds like an immature idiot to me...think twice about the long term with this guy. He's not going to stop or listen, he's the very needy type...and no it has nothing to do with "how he feels for you" this is the way the guy is with every girl.

[SpiralOut]

He sounds like an immature idiot to me...think twice about the long term with this guy. He's not going to stop or listen, he's the very needy type...and no it has nothing to do with "how he feels for you" this is the way the guy is with every girl.

 

He is backing off now. However, I am still bothered that he hasn't apologized. I find it odd that he told me he "felt rushed to leave," even though I let him hang out here until 4pm. That's practically all day! Then he told me that he felt really tired, blahblah. Well I understand that he felt tired but why did he not explain that to me?

 

 

He knew I wanted him to leave but he didn't feel like it so he didn't. I wish he would have said something to me! All he had to do was say "hey I think it makes more sense for me to hang out here until we go out later, since I'm really tired. Are you okay with that?" But he didn't say anything!

 

 

I'm glad that he has agreed to give me some space and move more slowly. He told me today that he understands. But I am weirded out that he didn't apologize at the time. If I knew that I had overstayed my welcome I would have felt awful about it and apologized right away! But afterwards he tried to act like nothing had happened.

 

 

And now he's acting weird and won't talk about it because it is "in the past" even though it only just happened yesterday. I invited him to go out for drinks tonight but he said no, because he is giving me space. Well if I am inviting you out it's because I want to see you!! if you don't want to meet, then just say you don't want to. Don't make it about "giving me space." I feel like he is punishing me or something.

Edited December 22, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Damaged217]

I had this same exact problem with my boyfriend. I posted about it as well. No matter how I explained it, my need for space just did NOT make sense to him. For him, this need for alone time worried him about the future. He kept asking me how I was going to get my space if we ever got married. This situation was very frustrating to say the least. I think it was hard for him to understand because when we first started dating, I spent a lot of time with him. You know how it is. You're first meeting someone and things are exciting and you just want to see them all of the time. I didn't bring up the space issue until a few months in. He agreed to back off a little but he was always sore about it. After a while, I started allowing him to come over more often and if I needed a little space, I would just go to another room and do whatever I had to do. Now he voluntarily will stay at his parents house here and there when he can sense me becoming cranky. lol. When he comes back, he gets a happy gf who missed him.

 

Did your boyfriend know about how much alone time you needed from the beginning? If not, you need to put yourself in his shoes. It's no wonder he's not understanding what's going on. You just need to have him read some articles about introverts and you need to tell him that you'll be much more pleasant around him if he leaves you alone when you ask him to. lol. As much as he needs to work on giving you alone time, I think you need to also work on not needing so MUCH alone time. As an introvert myself, I know this is not easy, but it can be done. I went from needing as much as 3-4 days a week to myself to needing maybe 1 day a month to myself.

[clia]

I had the same problem with my fiancé as well. (Yes, fiancé! It all worked out!) Like you, I am an introvert and like my alone time, and when we first started dating I could barely get rid of the guy. I really loved being with him, but he couldn't take a hint that I just wanted to be alone for awhile to recharge my batteries. Like you, I couldn't figure out why he never seemed to want to go home to do laundry and stuff! I almost broke up with him over it!

 

Eventually I realized that I just had to be direct with him. Hinting did not work. (I pulled the "Gee, I really want to go running today..." card a lot, and he'd still be sitting there on my couch an hour later.) I was always very light hearted about it, but I would tell him that he had to leave now so I could go to the grocery store, go running, etc. I would even go so far as to get ready, put on my shoes and coat, etc. "Okay, time for you to go home for awhile." Explain to him clearly and directly that you just need more alone time than he does and that it has nothing to do with him. If he loves and respects you, he will understand and work with you on this.

[CALOVELY]

He is backing off now. However, I am still bothered that he hasn't apologized. I find it odd that he told me he "felt rushed to leave," even though I let him hang out here until 4pm. That's practically all day! Then he told me that he felt really tired, blahblah. Well I understand that he felt tired but why did he not explain that to me?

 

 

He knew I wanted him to leave but he didn't feel like it so he didn't. I wish he would have said something to me! All he had to do was say "hey I think it makes more sense for me to hang out here until we go out later, since I'm really tired. Are you okay with that?" But he didn't say anything!

 

 

I'm glad that he has agreed to give me some space and move more slowly. He told me today that he understands. But I am weirded out that he didn't apologize at the time. If I knew that I had overstayed my welcome I would have felt awful about it and apologized right away! But afterwards he tried to act like nothing had happened.

 

 

And now he's acting weird and won't talk about it because it is "in the past" even though it only just happened yesterday. I invited him to go out for drinks tonight but he said no, because he is giving me space. Well if I am inviting you out it's because I want to see you!! if you don't want to meet, then just say you don't want to. Don't make it about "giving me space." I feel like he is punishing me or something.

 

You stated very clearly what you needed and he ignored it. Now he is skulking because you had a problem with his behavior and is punishing you for his own actions. That is textbook passive aggressiveness. If you chose to continue with this relationship, just know this will not be a one off. It will be the foundation of his behavior in any conflict, especially conflict he creates.

[Satu]

My time alone is sacrosanct.

 

Your time is your own, to be dispensed as you feel fitting.

 

He needs to 'get this.'

[SpiralOut]

 

Did your boyfriend know about how much alone time you needed from the beginning? If not, you need to put yourself in his shoes. It's no wonder he's not understanding what's going on. You just need to have him read some articles about introverts and you need to tell him that you'll be much more pleasant around him if he leaves you alone when you ask him to. lol. As much as he needs to work on giving you alone time, I think you need to also work on not needing so MUCH alone time. As an introvert myself, I know this is not easy, but it can be done. I went from needing as much as 3-4 days a week to myself to needing maybe 1 day a month to myself.

Oh yes, I made it very clear on our first date, and on several other dates since then. When he made comments about how he would like to see me everyday, I told him that I need lots of time to myself and I can't do that with him, not so fast anyway. When I've been seeing someone for longer, it becomes easier to spend more time with them.

 

 

 

I had the same problem with my fiancé as well. (Yes, fiancé! It all worked out!) Like you, I am an introvert and like my alone time, and when we first started dating I could barely get rid of the guy. I really loved being with him, but he couldn't take a hint that I just wanted to be alone for awhile to recharge my batteries. Like you, I couldn't figure out why he never seemed to want to go home to do laundry and stuff! I almost broke up with him over it!

 

Eventually I realized that I just had to be direct with him. Hinting did not work. (I pulled the "Gee, I really want to go running today..." card a lot, and he'd still be sitting there on my couch an hour later.) I was always very light hearted about it, but I would tell him that he had to leave now so I could go to the grocery store, go running, etc. I would even go so far as to get ready, put on my shoes and coat, etc. "Okay, time for you to go home for awhile." Explain to him clearly and directly that you just need more alone time than he does and that it has nothing to do with him. If he loves and respects you, he will understand and work with you on this.

 

 

Haha. Yeah I'll say something like "I can't wait to just be alone and relax today" and it doesn't do anything. Now that I think of it, he was raised in a big family. He had to share a room most of his life, until age 23 or so when he finally got his own place. Even then he still had people sharing the house with him. He has never lived alone. He's just used to be around people constantly. I don't know how he does that without going insane. But for him that's normal, I guess he doesn't fully understand the need for space. He never got much of it growing up.

 

 

I will try to be more direct with him. It's hard because I am not used to being direct. Dropping polite little hints is what I'm used to!

 

 

Good to know that you two could make it work. It gives me hope.

 

You stated very clearly what you needed and he ignored it. Now he is skulking because you had a problem with his behavior and is punishing you for his own actions. That is textbook passive aggressiveness. If you chose to continue with this relationship, just know this will not be a one off. It will be the foundation of his behavior in any conflict, especially conflict he creates.

 

 

Yeah, I'm worried about that. I can't stand passive-aggressiveness, especially when I am trying to speak to the person directly and they won't admit to anything!! However, this is the only real issue I've had with him so far, so I may have to just suck it up and deal with it. Every guy is going to have at least one annoying habit.

Edited December 28, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Els]

I'm glad you two talked about it and managed to arrive at a compromise, OP. Whether or not the compromise will hold for the long term is another question entirely, but this is certainly a good start.

 

I also agree with you that wanting to see you every day and dropping by your apartment unannounced after dating for two weeks is quite excessive. And he should have respected your boundaries when you needed space the day after - 48 hours is a long time to spend in the house of someone you're newly dating. From my observation, most healthy people don't just jump headlong into the pool like that at such an early stage, be they introverts or extroverts.

 

I hate to be a wet blanket, because it's entirely possible I could be wrong about him, but I do have to warn you - oftentimes this sort of behaviour is an early predictor of a lot of drama. An excellent example is this poster, who allowed his girlfriend to move far too quickly, with almost prime time drama like consequences: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/503374-wtf-going-here

 

Of course, I don't know your bf, so I could be wrong. Just be careful, and watch out for red flags. As long as he continues to respect your boundaries from now henceforth, it should be fine.

[Tayken]

But, that's one reason I've gravitated towards FWBs, casual RLs or married/involved guys...

 

But, not working out for me. I don't know what more to do.

 

Hmmmm....could the reward for the latter be coming from the former in the form of Karma?

[acapelo_dp]

I dunno. I get that you need alone time but I think the way you go about it is kind of strange. My boyfriend and I are introverts and we both need alone time. Most of the time we sit in different rooms and he plays video games and I watch some shows or something. We don't love together. However , why can't you do the same instead of pushing your bf away all the time? If my boyfriend kept insisting he wanted to be alone whenever I asked him to hang out I would get fed up. Even if he wants alone time he invites me over and we do our own thing while still being "together". It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. He wants more time with you and you need to be alone more often. Just doesn't sound like it will work out very well.

[Priv]

The dude isn't passive agressive, he is confused and probably with his hands in his hair trying to figure out what to do with you and expect from you.

 

 

Do you realise how you come off when cancelling evening plans because you did not get enough alone time in the afternoon after sleeping in late? And now expecting an apology for it... ???

 

 

Not trying to be mean but if your communication style is dropping little hints aka very non-confrontational, and the entire relationship is based on the premise of you deciding when it is ok or not to hang out the guy is feeling rejected by you on a daily basis.

 

 

Introvert or not, at some point you have to communicate with the outside world in a more direct manner and occassionally give in/pick your battles (cancelling evening plans like this isn't it). And this is coming from an introvert...

[MissBee]

He sounds like an immature idiot to me...think twice about the long term with this guy. He's not going to stop or listen, he's the very needy type...and no it has nothing to do with "how he feels for you" this is the way the guy is with every girl.

 

I agree.

 

As a fellow introvert, I think it might be that you guys are simply not a match energy wise. It is not about "too fast" IMO. It is that you will ALWAYS need time to yourself even if you're together 20 years and if you're with a man who doesn't understand or is bothered by it, him slowing down will only be for a while, but eventually he'll go back to his normal way of relating to you. It's not necessarily that he's wrong just that you have different energies and it might be a struggle to be together if he feels he is way out of his comfort zone in respecting your wishes or you way out of yours in trying to make him happy.

 

I am a social person and very affectionate in relationships but I also need alone time to recharge, this is with boyfriends, friends, everyone. If I don't get that I start to get antsy and frustrated. This is how we are. Nothing is wrong with us! We get our energy from being alone and then we can go out and socialize and we simply need people who get it and can give us our space without taking it personally.

 

I've never really spelled this out to a boyfriend as it so happens that they all led busy lives and had stuff to do or one was long distance so space was naturally built in to the relationship. But if I had to spell it out I would and if a boyfriend didn't naturally understand this then we'd probably not last.

[SpiralOut]

 

I also agree with you that wanting to see you every day and dropping by your apartment unannounced after dating for two weeks is quite excessive. And he should have respected your boundaries when you needed space the day after - 48 hours is a long time to spend in the house of someone you're newly dating. From my observation, most healthy people don't just jump headlong into the pool like that at such an early stage, be they introverts or extroverts.

 

I hate to be a wet blanket, because it's entirely possible I could be wrong about him, but I do have to warn you - oftentimes this sort of behaviour is an early predictor of a lot of drama. An excellent example is this poster, who allowed his girlfriend to move far too quickly, with almost prime time drama like consequences: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/503374-wtf-going-here

 

Of course, I don't know your bf, so I could be wrong. Just be careful, and watch out for red flags. As long as he continues to respect your boundaries from now henceforth, it should be fine.

 

 

Oh dear lord I would never let something like that happen. I read most of that thread and yeah, I don't let people hang out in my apartment alone. Only exception is family or close friends, and I've only done that once or twice.

 

 

Thanks for agreeing with some of my points.

 

 

 

 

I am a social person and very affectionate in relationships but I also need alone time to recharge, this is with boyfriends, friends, everyone. If I don't get that I start to get antsy and frustrated. This is how we are. Nothing is wrong with us! We get our energy from being alone and then we can go out and socialize and we simply need people who get it and can give us our space without taking it personally.

 

I've never really spelled this out to a boyfriend as it so happens that they all led busy lives and had stuff to do or one was long distance so space was naturally built in to the relationship. But if I had to spell it out I would and if a boyfriend didn't naturally understand this then we'd probably not last.

 

Yes, this exactly it. I never expected it to be an issue with an extraverted person, since surely he would be busy with his own stuff? When we first started dating he told me he was too busy most weeknights to get together. That made me pretty happy. Then he changed his mind and started wanting to see me all the time. Literally every night he is texting me asking if I want to hang out. That's very sweet, and I do like to see him, but I mean come on, every night is too much!

 

 

I still don't see it as an energy issue, I mean why should I be responsible for fulfilling all his energy needs? He can go be social with other people besides just me. I wish he would say "I can't hang out tonight, I'm too busy," at least sometimes. I see him every weekend and several weeknights. He keeps a bunch of his clothes here, bathroom stuff, pitches in with groceries. I've brought him to yoga class with me. I even wash some of his clothes when he throws it in with mine. It feels like we half-live together.

 

Maybe that's why I'm getting upset. With my past boyfriends I was very clingy. Now I'm almost the opposite. My last serious boyfriend gave me very little space. I literally could not walk around in my bedroom because of all his stuff covering the floor, he would "borrow" my things after I told him not to then he would lose them and not bother to replace them. Plus my ex gave up all his hobbies and only worked parttime! I didn't mind him being home every night when I got home from work, but he didn't really help cook dinner or anything. It got to be exhausting to have someone in my space so much like that and not contributing. For the longest time I was terrified of having a relationship like that again. I'm not as scared as I used to be but maybe some part of me is still afraid to let someone close again. I have been extremely protective of my space ever since that relationship ended. I've gotten better at sharing my time with people, but maybe I still have a ways to go?

 

 

Anyway I don't know. I just spent the long weekend out of town with my family. He's going away with some friends this weekend. He invited me along but I said no thanks. I will go with them next time probably.

 

 

I am getting freaked out in general. Maybe I am looking for a way to sabotage myself.

Edited December 30, 2014 by SpiralOut

[coolheadal]

Interesting story you have shared. But I see you pray a lot and you need to be energized too daily. So that's why you need more me time without your BF hanging around you. Are you sure your current BF is the one for you as you two seem to be on two different playing levels.

 

He's the type that clings (wants to be with you always he needs share his love with you) where you are non-clinger (you want a lot of personal or me time). You might want to think about having any type or relationship until you can find the same type as you in another BF. Your needs are completely different that what your current needs of your BF.

 

Frankly your BF is what most men are not. Now what I mean is he's devoted to you 100%. He even surprises you too. Sure he does come announced but that's what a surprise is!

 

Making him change his ways is going to be tough one at best. His goal is to be happy with you and he wants to share that happiness with you. If you push him away too much it going to backfire and someone going to feel hurt. Namely your BF will.

 

Got to think what you want? More me time and less BF time or can you and him come to some sort of agreement. Your other replies making things go all over the place with comments here.

 

If you can't handle your way of life and your BF is making it complex then you need to sit down and talk and explain things before it's too late. Now if your BF still not listening then you have to do what needs to be done. You know what that is already. In your first post I could see what your BF was doing to your free time was making you upset. Can't have a relationship too long if your are upset all the time.

[SpiralOut]

Yeah I don't know. I mostly just feel that he wants more than I can give and it makes me feel bad. I go out of my way to show my affection in other ways. He says he is okay with this yet I still worry he will change his mind. Maybe I am being insecure. You are right, he is very devoted. I would have loved that had I met him a few years ago. Now, I am on edge, need space.

[oldshirt]

I am an introvert too and you are right, many people just don't get it. If an extrovert is hanging out at the house alone, they'd love it if someone just stopped by out of the blue and they would be flattered and appreciate it. An introvert just doesn't work that way.

 

It sounds like he is at least trying to comply with your wishes so that is a plus. However he may never truly understand where you are coming from and take things the wrong way.

 

My suggestion is to look up some kind of introvert fact sheet and print it out and give to him. Nit may help if he here's things from a professional source.

 

The bad news is that you two may be different enough that you really aren't compatible and it may not work out.

 

People call other people "needy" when the other person is wanting things that the other is not able or not wanting to provide. Seeing and spending time with a girlfriend is not an unreasonable request or expectation.

 

The question is whether he is wanting more than what you are able/willing to provide.

 

If he is wanting more than you are capable/willing, he is in his right to move on.

 

If he is unable/unwilling to allow you your space and accommodate your boundaries and comfort zones, you are within your right to dissolve the relationship as well.