Torn between two guys

[Evening]

Hi there

 

Dont know in what section to post my question, but I am so confused and it already affects my wellbeing.

I hope that maybe you could help me.

 

 

For almost half a year ago, I broke up with someone very special (lets call him Mike) I got over it.

 

 

We both got lucky and found people we adore and love. I love the new guy(lets call him Chris) I am with and I feel like he is my soulmate, he is a man I have always dreamed of. But the thing is, I think I love the other guy more. And the more close I get with the new guy and the more love I have to the new guy, the more I see dreams about the other one. The more I am feeling like I am doing something wrong. Also there's a nagging voice inside me what tells me that I should go back to him. But at the same time I love Chris and he is everything I have ever dreamed of.

But a big part of me wants to run back to Mike, cause I love him with all of my heart.

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

Thanks

[CaliGypsy]

Why did you break up with Mike ?

 

You said he found someone else and has moved on . Kind of unfair to break up with him and then come back 6 months later after he's recovered and moved on.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would go No Contact with Mike, delete and block him on all social media, let him live his life, and focus on living yours without constant reminders of him being around (I don't know how much interaction you have but clearly there is some there or you wouldn't know he had a new partner).

 

You can't go back to the past and make it right again, too many things would have to happen for you to even be with Mike again, ending current relationships for example, and you don't even know he would want that. Even then, once you get what you want, if things were wrong last time around they're unlikely to be better this time, especially after all of the hurt you've both been through. I sure as hell wouldn't give either of the men who left me the time of day again, let alone consider dating them.

 

Cut all contact with Mike then let yourself figure out how you feel about Chris. You may find you are really happy with him, without the constant reminder of your ex. Or you may realise that you're not over Mike and it's not fair to Chris to keep trying, and leave him.

 

This isn't an either/or question. You can be single too, you know.

[Evening]

I really liked your post, AcrosstheUniverse. This is why I am struggling.

There are times when I love Mike so crazily and so deeply and there are times, when I think how much I love Chris and how he has always been the best man I ever wanted to have.

 

But my question was - why I keep going back?

Seeing him(Mike) in my dreams. Is it because we spent few years together?

 

I want to be happy with Chris and I am. And I wanna make him the happeist man on the planet.

 

 

But still something inside tells me that I am not 100% honest with myself.

 

And I don't want to be single. I like to be around people and I don't want to be alone. Living alone is enough for me. And right now I could not imagine breaking up with Chris. No, no, big no!

Edited December 21, 2014 by Evening

[M30USA]

I think both of these guys should start two-timing you and viewing you as just one of their choices like you're doing to them. That should fix the problem nicely.

[Evening]

I think both of these guys should start two-timing you and viewing you as just one of their choices like you're doing to them. That should fix the problem nicely.

 

Maybe they are doing it already. lol

Men can be very mysterious. lol Especially when it comes to other ladies.

[M30USA]

Maybe they are doing it already. lol

Men can be very mysterious. lol Especially when it comes to other ladies.

 

It's a wonderful life.

[Evening]

It's a wonderful life.

 

lol

thank you for making me laugh.

[preraph]

Be honest with them both but not specific about who or what that you are not exclusive. Don't tell them anything about the other guy or even that there is a specific other guy, only that you're "busy" when you can't get with them and that they know you're not exclusive. This is what dating is for. It takes a couple of years to really get to the bottom of most people you date. They're on their best behavior the first part. The longer you know them, the more both of them will fall off their pedestals. So take the time and get to know them. Find out what they are both like:

 

When you're sick

When you have car trouble

When they have car trouble

About paying their bills on time and not getting kicked out for late rent

How they are with kids

How they are with animals

How they are when bored

How many hours they work

How swivelheaded they are about other women

How their relationship with their parents and siblings are

How they mesh with you religiously

Do they expect to be "the boss" when married

Do they expect the woman to stay home with the kids

Do they expect the woman to do all the housework

If you relocated for a great job, would they follow

 

Get to know them. One will likely start standing out above the other fairly soon as you start learning.

[Nolan 93]

Please think long and hard what you want, I was in "Chris's" shoes and I did everything I could for my ex, only to be dropped for her ex. Even though he caused her so much pain, and I've made her so happy, and felt cherished over our eleven months . So please think long in hard what you want, what your heart wants, but also use some logic in your thinking. Once you made your decision there is no going back, you are choosing who you want to have a relationship with. It sucks because if you choose "Mike" over "Chris", chris cant do anything to change your mind, he has to watch you walk away, and all he can do is watch the relationship crumble. Watch what you both worked for crumble to pieces. It sucks cause I had to watch it crumble, I had no say. So please think long and hard what you want. It will look selfish on your part, and Chris may hate you for it, but in the end it's your life and you can choose how, and who you want to be happy with. But I don't hate my ex, all I can do is mourn, pick my self up, and most importantly wait to be fully healed so this way the next person I fall in love with I don't put her through the same scenario I was in. After feeling that kind of pain, I would never want to inflict that on someone who treated me, and loved me........

[Evening]

Thank you so much for pointing that out. You are very right.

 

 

I really appreciate that you took time and wrote it out what you had to say.

 

 

I wish you all the best!

[Evening]

Be honest with them both but not specific about who or what that you are not exclusive. Don't tell them anything about the other guy or even that there is a specific other guy, only that you're "busy" when you can't get with them and that they know you're not exclusive. This is what dating is for. It takes a couple of years to really get to the bottom of most people you date. They're on their best behavior the first part. The longer you know them, the more both of them will fall off their pedestals. So take the time and get to know them. Find out what they are both like:

 

When you're sick

When you have car trouble

When they have car trouble

About paying their bills on time and not getting kicked out for late rent

How they are with kids

How they are with animals

How they are when bored

How many hours they work

How swivelheaded they are about other women

How their relationship with their parents and siblings are

How they mesh with you religiously

Do they expect to be "the boss" when married

Do they expect the woman to stay home with the kids

Do they expect the woman to do all the housework

If you relocated for a great job, would they follow

 

Get to know them. One will likely start standing out above the other fairly soon as you start learning.

 

 

Thank you soo much!

These things what you wrote are very helpful!

 

 

Thank you!

[ponchsox]

I wish a woman was torn about me. I can't even find a good date

[Evening]

I wish a woman was torn about me. I can't even find a good date

 

 

You will! Dont worry about it.

It all starts from your beliefs and thoughts. The things we say to yourself. I once knew a guy who wanted a girlfriend. He didnt find himself attractive, he thought he was lacking something and he was constantly unsure of himself. He didnt understand why he had so hard time getting a girl.

But the thing was, he did not believe in that.

You must believe it. That you will find, that you are attractive and you can have every girl you like. Everything starts from inside. Embrace and love yourself!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-ep31_tYok

[ktya]

Hi there

 

Dont know in what section to post my question, but I am so confused and it already affects my wellbeing.

I hope that maybe you could help me.

 

 

For almost half a year ago, I broke up with someone very special (lets call him Mike) I got over it.

 

 

We both got lucky and found people we adore and love. I love the new guy(lets call him Chris) I am with and I feel like he is my soulmate, he is a man I have always dreamed of. But the thing is, I think I love the other guy more. And the more close I get with the new guy and the more love I have to the new guy, the more I see dreams about the other one. The more I am feeling like I am doing something wrong. Also there's a nagging voice inside me what tells me that I should go back to him. But at the same time I love Chris and he is everything I have ever dreamed of.

But a big part of me wants to run back to Mike, cause I love him with all of my heart.

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

Thanks

 

Obvious answer. Be with them both. Be honest about it. If one walks you have your answer. If they both stay you get two great guys. If they both walk, then they probably didnt really truly want to be with you anyway.

[Axel Foley]

Obvious answer. Be with them both. Be honest about it. If one walks you have your answer. If they both stay you get two great guys. If they both walk, then they probably didnt really truly want to be with you anyway.

 

I disagree with this.

 

Recently I was dating a woman on a serious level and she let me know of another man that she was dating along with me. I guess she was somewhat torn and was trying to figure it out as you suggest with [Evening]. I told her that it was better that she moved on from me because I'm not an option. I know my worth. I have too much to give just to be another option.

 

Needless to say, she contacted me back not too long after officially committing with the other guy and breaking up. Unfortunately for her, I moved on.

 

My advice to Evening is to not be indecisive. Make a choice. Don't have two or maybe more people living in the grey area. How can get to know someone if you're only half way in it. And don't be afraid to make that choice. Maybe you need to look at the situation and ask yourself, "who makes you a better person?"

[Satu]

You will! Dont worry about it.

It all starts from your beliefs and thoughts. The things we say to yourself. I once knew a guy who wanted a girlfriend. He didnt find himself attractive, he thought he was lacking something and he was constantly unsure of himself. He didnt understand why he had so hard time getting a girl.

But the thing was, he did not believe in that.

You must believe it. That you will find, that you are attractive and you can have every girl you like. Everything starts from inside. Embrace and love yourself!

 

 

"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true is true or becomes true, within certain limits to be found experientially and experimentally. These limits are further beliefs to be transcended."

 

- John Lilly

[Tayken]

I disagree with this.

 

Recently I was dating a woman on a serious level and she let me know of another man that she was dating along with me. I guess she was somewhat torn and was trying to figure it out as you suggest with [Evening]. I told her that it was better that she moved on from me because I'm not an option. I know my worth. I have too much to give just to be another option.

 

Needless to say, she contacted me back not too long after officially committing with the other guy and breaking up. Unfortunately for her, I moved on.

 

My advice to Evening is to not be indecisive. Make a choice. Don't have two or maybe more people living in the grey area. How can get to know someone if you're only half way in it. And don't be afraid to make that choice. Maybe you need to look at the situation and ask yourself, "who makes you a better person?"

 

 

God bless you man.....I like that you didn't play into her crap of wanting to use you as backup plan. Hopefully now she will get the message, and realize that she can't go after one and then try to come back to the one she ignored.

 

Love it , love it...good job man. Definitely something I would have done too

[Danda]

Brutal honesty incoming:

 

 

You don't seem to have a genuine understanding of what love actually is, at least not in the romantic sense at least.

 

"I feel like he is my soulmate"

"he is a man I have always dreamed of"

"he has always been the best man I ever wanted to have."

 

Darlin you have known this guy for only a few months. Your break up was only 6 months ago, and then presumably you didn't rebound (or did you) right away, which means you have not known this guy for very long. You use a lot of intense language but, at most, what you are experiencing is infatuation.

 

And if you did just rebound hardcore then it will be no wonder when you have crazy-as-hell conflicted feelings. That's what happens when people rebound hardcore.

 

You also keep contradicting yourself all over the place. You can't "love" one man with "ALL your heart" while strongly contemplating whether or not you really love some other man more.

 

Then there is the dead giveaway:

"And I don't want to be single. I like to be around people and I don't want to be alone."

 

Boyfriends are not like thermostats. We don't want to be cold so we turn up the thermostat. But when we can't be comfortable with our own company, we don't (in good conscience and sanity) string dudes along just for the sake of not being single.

 

Crazy-ass rebound written all over this. You probably were not really "moved on" when you started dating Chris. Need to pump your breaks a bit and give yourself more time.

[Tayken]

Your break up was only 6 months ago, and then presumably you didn't rebound (or did you) right away, which means you have not known this guy for very long. You use a lot of intense language but, at most, what you are experiencing is infatuation.

 

Bingo....Hallelujah. As they say, denial is not just a river in Egypt.