Resenting Financial Support

[Almond_Joy]

Hii everyone,

 

I've been with my bf for 3 years, we've lived together about 1.5 years.

 

We were making about the same income until about 6 months ago. He got a raise that nearly doubled his annual income. Ever since that raise when he complains about money I get instantly resentful and don't even want to listen. I believe in equal responsibility so I still pay half of the rent and bills, and each of us buys our own groceries. He usually covers our expenses if we go out or have to buy things for an event or around the house.

 

A few months ago I moved from my admin job into a sales job that reduced my monthly income by about 50%. I calculated my projected salary before making the move and with my student loans deferred it looked like it would be tight but I can still pay my half of the bills and get the necessities for myself.

 

Well last pay period they screwed up my timesheet and I was only able to pay half of what I usually pay on rent and bills for that pay period. Then I had trouble with my car plus more money for gas since I commute more often now......long story short these last couple of weeks my bf has had to cover for me in bills and necessities.

 

I HATE the position I'm in. He's never exploited our income difference and is not stingy with his extra money. I always pay back ASAP so he doesn't hesitate to lend....so I don't understand why I resent this so much. It makes me feel like dirt to ask him to help me or lend me money. And when he wants to make fun purchases (Playstation 4, new TV, etc.) and he mentions it to me I get furious. They are things we will both enjoy benefit from and he's not malicious in talking about these things.....

 

I don't know how to get over this or if I should. I was uncomfortable when he got the raise and now I'm downright resentful, all the moreso because I'm forced to depend on him. It's unhealthy and has nothing to do with him I don't think, and if we're planning on being married one day our financial states are going to be intertwined. Should I be trying to get out of this "I need to take care of myself" mindset? Do I need to go to therapy for this?

 

I hinted at this with my mom, she looked at me like I was crazy. She raised me by herself and I NEVER saw a male figure in my life long-term that was financially stable or made more income than my mother. She raised me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on people so I figured she would understand but the look she gave me told me she doesn't understand why I feel this way towards my bf. She was raised wit hthe understanding that men are suppossed to support women but that's not how she raised me.....

 

Anyway....I'm just trying to stop feeling this way but I can't see another way to look at this. Maybe I need therapy? I don't know. Any suggesstions or advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[Got it]

Hii everyone,

 

I've been with my bf for 3 years, we've lived together about 1.5 years.

 

We were making about the same income until about 6 months ago. He got a raise that nearly doubled his annual income. Ever since that raise when he complains about money I get instantly resentful and don't even want to listen. I believe in equal responsibility so I still pay half of the rent and bills, and each of us buys our own groceries. He usually covers our expenses if we go out or have to buy things for an event or around the house.

 

A few months ago I moved from my admin job into a sales job that reduced my monthly income by about 50%. I calculated my projected salary before making the move and with my student loans deferred it looked like it would be tight but I can still pay my half of the bills and get the necessities for myself.

 

Well last pay period they screwed up my timesheet and I was only able to pay half of what I usually pay on rent and bills for that pay period. Then I had trouble with my car plus more money for gas since I commute more often now......long story short these last couple of weeks my bf has had to cover for me in bills and necessities.

 

I HATE the position I'm in. He's never exploited our income difference and is not stingy with his extra money. I always pay back ASAP so he doesn't hesitate to lend....so I don't understand why I resent this so much. It makes me feel like dirt to ask him to help me or lend me money. And when he wants to make fun purchases (Playstation 4, new TV, etc.) and he mentions it to me I get furious. They are things we will both enjoy benefit from and he's not malicious in talking about these things.....

 

I don't know how to get over this or if I should. I was uncomfortable when he got the raise and now I'm downright resentful, all the moreso because I'm forced to depend on him. It's unhealthy and has nothing to do with him I don't think, and if we're planning on being married one day our financial states are going to be intertwined. Should I be trying to get out of this "I need to take care of myself" mindset? Do I need to go to therapy for this?

 

I hinted at this with my mom, she looked at me like I was crazy. She raised me by herself and I NEVER saw a male figure in my life long-term that was financially stable or made more income than my mother. She raised me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on people so I figured she would understand but the look she gave me told me she doesn't understand why I feel this way towards my bf. She was raised wit hthe understanding that men are suppossed to support women but that's not how she raised me.....

 

Anyway....I'm just trying to stop feeling this way but I can't see another way to look at this. Maybe I need therapy? I don't know. Any suggesstions or advice would be appreciated, thanks.

 

I understand have the same beliefs. I do not want to depend on someone for my financial well being. And that is okay.

 

Have you discussed it with him? Sometimes just airing it out helps. It isn't anything he is doing but you working through your feelings. Why did you make the switch in jobs? Is there a long term projection of more growth? Why are you resentful of him? If you two want to continue your lives together life will smile fondly on each of you at different times. You guys need to be happy for each other. That is something you definitely need to address.

 

And this may just be a short term concern since you have these financial items hit all at once. Wanting to be completely independent is fine but you need to be at peace with it and not resentful of him.

[CarrieT]

I'm in a similar position so I can understand the feeling.

 

For 25+ years, I have supported myself or been the breadwinner in the relationship.

 

When I got married last year, my new husband suggested that I NOT work and so I am now financially reliant on him 100%.

 

It is a hard feeling and I am still uncomfortable, but I'm not sure that you necessarily need therapy for it.

 

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your feelings? Or are you holding it all in and being more resentful about it? I think a frank discussion will go a long way and perhaps there are things you can do to mitigate your angst.

 

In my case, I am reminded that we are a team and the things I do for him and his family supplement the partnership more than cash would.

[Almond_Joy]

Thank you for the responses.

 

I actually came here to air out because I figured my bf and friends and family are tired of hearing it. Every other week I'm complaining about money or my job. The move to sales was planned to be short term but I only took it to try and make more money. I really hate sales and am trying to get out ASAP.

 

I have mentioned to him several times how I feel about money and how uncomfortable this makes me. But he says the same thing you said Carrie - we're a team, he supports the change, we talked about this before I moved into this position and he said he's ok with having to help me out finacnially. So it's all me. I guess I just have to ride it out.

[Almond_Joy]

Why are you resentful of him? If you two want to continue your lives together life will smile fondly on each of you at different times. You guys need to be happy for each other. That is something you definitely need to address.

 

 

Yeah this is the part that really concerns me. It's one thing to be uncomfortable with support and another to have hostile sentiments towards him. I don't understand that reaction from me. Why would his success make me mad? Whenever he talks about his money or what he's going to do with it I just shut down.

[Tayken]

@OP.....sorry to hear about your situation, and this is one instance where I can honestly say (although I can't believe am saying this), that the guy is being a jerk, and should be covering more in the interim based on the status quo.

 

However, this should serve as a reminder that the #1 main reason couples fight, is to do with finances. If this is happening now, imagine what will happen once you get married and start having kids. Yes you guessed it

[preraph]

Well, I can understand on many levels why you feel resentment. First of all, you're a woman and he's getting this rapid salary increase and you're not. That sucks. We're all resentful about that. My main career, I made half as much as the men! It's B.S. So there's that resentment. And yes, he's a man, so he gets a little of the overflow from that resentment.

 

Then you want to pay half on principle, because you should be able to pay half, you should be able to earn as much and pay half but it's twice as hard for you because you're a woman. Women in the US, the last statistics out this year, still make only 74 percent of what men do. And don't let anyone tell you they "choose" it. This statistic is for women doing the same job and amount of work as men, not women on pregnancy leave or choosing to work part-time to pick up their kids because their husbands are not willing to make that same sacrifice.

 

If you think you're resentful now, wait until you're married and have kids and either have to work with no sleep and be on the run 24/7 OR depend on your husband to dole out the "allowance." That's when you'll really get resentful. Because at that point, you're doing far more work than him for no compensation and have no power in the marriage.

 

It's insensitive he's griping about money around you. Be sure you speak up about that. Say "Yeah, you should try it on $20K instead of $40K."

 

If the resentment gets to be too much, ask yourself if you'd be better off alone or with a nonromantic roommate. Many women would already have asked him to pay a bigger percentage of the bills and many men would have offered it, but I totally understand why this seems sucky to you. It would make me mad too.

 

My best advice is to keep looking for a new job. Keep working, but keep looking. It is way easier to find a job while you are employed and they don't need to call your present employer, because obviously, you're still working there. Show them a pay stub to prove it and tell the prospective employer you're leaving because you must make MORE MONEY. Ask for a range, the bottom of which you could live with as long as a raise is possible in six months at the review. Money is power. Concentrate on improving your situation. I know it's hard. Take a weekend job at something fun with perks, like your favorite clothing store. Even working 8 hours two times a week at $8 an hour is $4800 a year more. Good luck.

[Tayken]

Many women would already have asked him to pay a bigger percentage of the bills and many men would have offered it,

 

True...but shame women want 50-50 in the end and don't remember the time the man was paying more. Funny isn't it?

 

Women in the US, the last statistics out this year, still make only 74 percent of what men do. And don't let anyone tell you they "choose" it. This statistic is for women doing the same job and amount of work as men,

 

True, and there are more women in the US too than men based on the latest and previous stats. I happen to work in a field where there is set scales that is gender neutral, so it's impossible for one sex to earn more than the doing the same job. I realize that most aren't that fortunate.

 

Gender bias just like race, religion etc is still a problem rampant in society today and it is not going to go away anytime soon. A BBC article I read recently listed the countries where it pays to be a woman, and of the top ten made up mostly of Scandinavian countries, only the Philippines, Switzerland, New Zealand and Ireland were in the top 10. The US, Canada and UK were way off

[evanescentworld]

Yeah this is the part that really concerns me. It's one thing to be uncomfortable with support and another to have hostile sentiments towards him. I don't understand that reaction from me. Why would his success make me mad? Whenever he talks about his money or what he's going to do with it I just shut down.

 

You reslly don't understand why you're hostile, mad at him, and why you shut down?

 

because you;re jealous, that's why.

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel that way, but you're directing your anger at the wrong quarter.

You should be hostile, resentful and angry at the market forces which keep you on a low income.

 

Let me shock you here (with reference to Tayken's post, also):

I live in the UK and the last time I had a pay-rise was 7 YEARS AGO.

 

Since then, I have endured the misery of unemployment for longer than I care to comfortably consider, but each job I HAVE held in that time, has progressively lowered my income.

I have a few impressive credentials on my CV, including Management level positions, with staff under me.

I now earn a few pence, per hour, above the minimum wage and am on a zero-hour contract. (I am neither a student, nor a retiree!)

So I honestly get the resentment.

[writergal]

Hey there Almond_Joy. It makes sense that you feel resentful because your pride is what's been dented (not by your boyfriend though, but by your own self-expectations I think). You know that saying, "pride comes before a fall." Don't let your own pride about your lower salary create un-necessary problems between you and your boyfriend, especially if you two plan to marry in the future.

 

It stinks that your sales job turned out to be a financial mis-step and not as fulfilling as you thought it would be. But view this as a temporary glitch. Since you aren't happy in your sales job and are trying to get out of it and back into admin or whever, keep job searching.

 

And it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is being unsupportive. You've said he has told you that he supports you and hasn't said or done anything to make you feel bad about your situation. He sounds like a great boyfriend. Don't lose sight of that. He could be a complete jerk but he isn't. Instead of complaining to him, be thankful that he's being so flexible and understanding. Complaining is a way to vent but eventually he'll get sick and tired of you complaining or yelling at him for being able to afford to buy fun things like playstation games.

 

Can the two of you sit down together (or with a financial planner), and adjust the percentage you each pay towards rent and bills, until you find a better paying job? That is the best solution. And also, suck up your pride and let go of the need to be so independent. It's not a sign of weakness to let your boyfriend pay a higher percentage of the rent and bills, until you find a higher paying job. It's common sense and very practical and really nice of him to do that.

[writergal]

Yeah this is the part that really concerns me. It's one thing to be uncomfortable with support and another to have hostile sentiments towards him. I don't understand that reaction from me. Why would his success make me mad? Whenever he talks about his money or what he's going to do with it I just shut down.

 

Going on what evanescentworld said, it could be that you're a tad jealous, or that it makes you feel insecure, or well, there's the pride thing. So you be shutting down emotionally around your boyfriend, because you feel like his financial stability and comfort threatens your feeling of security, of feeling independent.

 

When you've been raised by a single mom to be financially independent it's hard to let go of that mindset when you're in a relationship and suddenly find yourself in a dependent position.

 

I don't think you need to see a therapist. But I do think you need to figure out why being financially dependent triggers feelings of hostility in you. that does seem extreme. It obviously feels threatening to you, if you find yourself lashing out at your boyfriend because he bought a playstation game or some other thing that falls into the "luxury" not "necessity" category.

 

My guess is that you feel less secure, having to depend on your boyfriend right now until you find a better paying job that is more personally and professionally fulfilling. Try not to take it out on your boyfriend, because it does sound like he supports you.

[Almond_Joy]

...ok.

 

 

I really hadn't considered that my insecurity would manifest into hostility. I've made low wages my whole career but only recently started voicing frustration about it. That makes complete sense.

 

 

And jealous....of my own bf.....who supports me! Jesus. So messed up. But that's exactly what's going on.

[Almond_Joy]

You reslly don't understand why you're hostile, mad at him, and why you shut down?

 

because you;re jealous, that's why.

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel that way, but you're directing your anger at the wrong quarter.

You should be hostile, resentful and angry at the market forces which keep you on a low income.

 

Let me shock you here (with reference to Tayken's post, also):

I live in the UK and the last time I had a pay-rise was 7 YEARS AGO.

 

Since then, I have endured the misery of unemployment for longer than I care to comfortably consider, but each job I HAVE held in that time, has progressively lowered my income.

I have a few impressive credentials on my CV, including Management level positions, with staff under me.

I now earn a few pence, per hour, above the minimum wage and am on a zero-hour contract. (I am neither a student, nor a retiree!)

So I honestly get the resentment.

 

 

I can't believe this zero-hour contract thing is legal! That's ridiculous!

 

 

This is discouraging. My degree has done nothing for me economically, so I also earn way less than what I should. It really sucks, but I'm glad to hear my resentment is rooted in very reasonable and common circumstances to a lot of women. In any case I'll find some other way to vent about this situation.

 

 

Thank you for sharing, and everyone for your responses. This has been very helpful.

[FitChick]

She raised me by herself and I NEVER saw a male figure in my life long-term that was financially stable or made more income than my mother.

That's the source of your problem. Seek therapy to explore.

[Els]

Ever since that raise when he complains about money I get instantly resentful and don't even want to listen.

 

Based on this, my guess is that the financial support isn't the root cause of your resentment, but rather the fact that he is making more than you is. Why do you feel that? Is there any way you could learn to be happy for his financial successes rather than resenting them? If you are a long-term couple they will only benefit BOTH of you in the long run...

 

As for the financial arrangement between both of you, IMO if your bf was the one who insisted on paying more (instead of you trying to wrangle it from him), I think you should just roll with it for the time being. If it bothers you, rather than taking the frustration out on him, take it out by striving to progress in your career instead.

 

Truth be told, though, there are rarely any couples who genuinely split everything 50.000000/50.000000 - there are other things that are needed in the daily life and function of a happy relationship and household, and money is only one of them. Especially if/when children come into the picture.

[stillafool]

I'm in a similar position so I can understand the feeling.

 

For 25+ years, I have supported myself or been the breadwinner in the relationship.

 

When I got married last year, my new husband suggested that I NOT work and so I am now financially reliant on him 100%.

 

It is a hard feeling and I am still uncomfortable, but I'm not sure that you necessarily need therapy for it.

 

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your feelings? Or are you holding it all in and being more resentful about it? I think a frank discussion will go a long way and perhaps there are things you can do to mitigate your angst.

 

In my case, I am reminded that we are a team and the things I do for him and his family supplement the partnership more than cash would.

 

Also you two are married so you are a partnership plus you've already proven yourself. OP isn't married to this man and it is unhealthy to depend on him to meet her bills.

 

OP I why did you quit the job that was paying more? Have you thought of getting an extra job?

[Gloria25]

I think a guy who "expects" you to pay half of his bills - especially when he isn't even married to you and/or makes more and/or splurges on "toys" is not a "man", but a "boy" who sees you more as a "roommate" rather than his "woman".

 

And situations like the OPs is another reason why I can't stand dating now a days and/or I don't "shack up" with some guy.

[salparadise]

I think a guy who "expects" you to pay half of his bills - especially when he isn't even married to you and/or makes more and/or splurges on "toys" is not a "man", but a "boy" who sees you more as a "roommate" rather than his "woman".

 

And situations like the OPs is another reason why I can't stand dating now a days and/or I don't "shack up" with some guy.

 

Whaaaaat? I must've missed the part where he's putting pressure on her. The way I read it is that she insists on paying her half of their bills, and that he picks up the slack as needed without any complaints.

 

This reminds me of the thread several months back where the guy and gal made the same salaries and the woman expected him to cover her expenses, just because she has a vagina and he doesn't, while she banked her salary.

 

I think almond_joy just needs to make sure she isn't directing her resentment at him. It's not his fault that she took a pay cut. She should be appreciative that he's willing to pick up the slack and that he's not having any resentment issues over it.

 

I do think it might be appropriate for them to use a different method of calculating the split... probably proportionate to their respective salaries. If they were married I'd say pool the money, pay the bills, put some in savings, and divide the expendable leftover fund evenly.

 

Bottom line is that she's the one having the issue, not him, and this has everything to do with her own expectations and not his.

[Gloria25]

Whaaaaat? I must've missed the part where he's putting pressure on her. The way I read it is that she insists on paying her half of their bills, and that he picks up the slack as needed without any complaints.

 

This reminds me of the thread several months back where the guy and gal made the same salaries and the woman expected him to cover her expenses, just because she has a vagina and he doesn't, while she banked her salary.

 

I think almond_joy just needs to make sure she isn't directing her resentment at him. It's not his fault that she took a pay cut. She should be appreciative that he's willing to pick up the slack and that he's not having any resentment issues over it.

 

I do think it might be appropriate for them to use a different method of calculating the split... probably proportionate to their respective salaries. If they were married I'd say pool the money, pay the bills, put some in savings, and divide the expendable leftover fund evenly.

 

Bottom line is that she's the one having the issue, not him, and this has everything to do with her own expectations and not his.

 

Ok, maybe I read it wrong, but a gentleman would have declined her "insistence" to pay. I've had guys on dates insist they pay and one guy said 'don't insult him'.

 

I agree in part, I mean, if you're not married I could see where bills still would be split cuz why should some guy foot some chick's bills if he doesn't have a future planned with her? But, IMO, for that get a roommate that isn't someone you're dating.

[Els]

The way I read it is that she insists on paying her half of their bills, and that he picks up the slack as needed without any complaints.

 

Yeah, this is the way I read it too. I don't see why there's any ire being directed towards the guy. Sounds to me like the OP is the one who doesn't like the fact that he's paying a larger share of the bills, whereas her bf is actually fine with it.

[Almond_Joy]

Also you two are married so you are a partnership plus you've already proven yourself. OP isn't married to this man and it is unhealthy to depend on him to meet her bills.

 

OP I why did you quit the job that was paying more? Have you thought of getting an extra job?

 

 

My boss said that because I knew so much about the job already I'd start making sales in the first month - I wouldn't have the learning curve like everyone else.

 

 

What she didn't realize and I underestimated is my natural introversion. Talking to new people and closing sales exhausts me way more than I thought it would. I thoroughly hate prospecting and I thought I could get over it but it's not happening. Water under the bridge now, and I learned my lesson - NEVER going into sales again once I get out.

 

 

It's really difficult to get something even part time now because we're told to cater to the client's availability. Half of the time I end up going in on my days off or working 7 -9 days in a row. So even when I do have time off, most of it is devoted to resting, taking hare of home, and applying for jobs online.

[Almond_Joy]

Based on this, my guess is that the financial support isn't the root cause of your resentment, but rather the fact that he is making more than you is. Why do you feel that? Is there any way you could learn to be happy for his financial successes rather than resenting them? If you are a long-term couple they will only benefit BOTH of you in the long run...

 

As for the financial arrangement between both of you, IMO if your bf was the one who insisted on paying more (instead of you trying to wrangle it from him), I think you should just roll with it for the time being. If it bothers you, rather than taking the frustration out on him, take it out by striving to progress in your career instead.

 

Truth be told, though, there are rarely any couples who genuinely split everything 50.000000/50.000000 - there are other things that are needed in the daily life and function of a happy relationship and household, and money is only one of them. Especially if/when children come into the picture.

 

 

I would love to be OK with him covering some of my share for a while. It would make things so much easier and pleasant. I've been depressed and moody, and I know that's a bummer for him. I want to get over this and just accept that it's ok to have less power financially. But writergal was right, I'm so, SO insecure about this. It's stupid, especially if he doesn't have a problem with it.

 

 

And yeah, everything won't be 50/50 all the time. I spend so much of my energy having this conversation with myself......just frustrating.

 

And I want to reiterate that this is all my problem, and not a reflection on my bf's character or integrity as a "real man". My bf has been extremely supportive and has offered to take on more responsibility financially on several occasions. It's my pride and insecurity that's keeping us in this situation. I don't subscribe to the idea of my guy taking care of me financially for the necessities - that doesn't sit well with me. Even though he's willing to do that, it's my responsibility as an adult to be able to support myself or our lifestyle equally. I feel like a failure when I'm not fulfilling my responsibility. This is the mindset I struggle with trying to change.

 

Hearing a chorus of other perspectives here is helping me to become OK with the idea until I get a better paying job. Thank you again for responding this really is helping me and I will talk to him tonight about this. I don't know that he can say anything to change how I feel, but he would at least understand why I'm acting this way and that I'm aware it's not right. He doesn't deserve my surliness.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Almond_Joy

[Almond_Joy]

In my case, I am reminded that we are a team and the things I do for him and his family supplement the partnership more than cash would.

 

 

I will focus on this more. There are a lot of things I do and could be doing to enhance our lifestyle besides bringing in money.

[Toodaloo]

I get where you are coming from.

 

For the past 10 years I have been the one to pay the bills despite my partner earning more and I felt more in control that way.

 

When he helped out (i.e. loan) it really grated me yet when I helped him (gave him money not a loan) it didn't bother me at all.

 

Stop being jealous. Look for job satisfaction rather than money when applying. It will make you a much nicer person to live with even if you don't contribute as much.

 

Money comes, money goes. Its how you deal with the difficult times that matters. This guy is showing his support. Let him. You would do the same.

[Almond_Joy]

I get where you are coming from.

 

For the past 10 years I have been the one to pay the bills despite my partner earning more and I felt more in control that way.

 

When he helped out (i.e. loan) it really grated me yet when I helped him (gave him money not a loan) it didn't bother me at all.

 

Stop being jealous. Look for job satisfaction rather than money when applying. It will make you a much nicer person to live with even if you don't contribute as much.

 

Money comes, money goes. Its how you deal with the difficult times that matters. This guy is showing his support. Let him. You would do the same.

 

 

I am. Admin doesn't pay anywhere near as much as some other things I could get into, but I LOVE admin work and am finally really good at it after so many years. I've started considering just staying in this track for a while. I feel good about the work and it pays the bills.....maybe that's enough for now.