I want to leave a good man

[HugosVoice]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 11 years. There is a 17 year age gap (me 32 him 49) and neither of us want to marry (no one, not just each other).

 

In his earlier days he was a very fit, active young man. He was in the army and he took care of himself. When we met he was admittedly overweight but promised me he wanted to and would "get his old body back".

 

Year after year after year.

 

Now while I'm not exactly a sporty person, I enjoy outdoor activities like going to the beach in summer. We can't even walk far on hot days because his legs rub together and chafe, so most beautiful summer days are spent escaping the heat in air conditioned shopping malls.

 

He always seemed very depressed that at his age, he was still renting while all his friends were homeowners. Last year we brought a property together and I thought things might change. I thought this might motivate him to eat better or begin exercising but 11 months on nothing has changed.

 

I've grown very resentful of him and recently I realised that this is going to be the rest of my life if I allow it to be... I have tried to help, suggested better eating options (he comes home hours before me and will never come home and cook himself a meal but instead have something like 3 sandwiches for dinner) without being a forceful "nag" and asked that he join me when I eat what I eat (a lot of rice and vegetables) but nothing has changed.

 

Some months ago I met another man my age. He is fit, passionate, kind and very positive. Nothing physical has happened between us but I enjoy the time we share.

 

I am not thinking of leaving my partner FOR this man, but the brief time we've spent together has shown me just how much has been missing in my life and what I want in a partner now. I have changed a lot in the past decade.

 

Despite all of this, my partner is a good man. He treats me well, doesn't gamble, drink heavily or do drugs. My only complaints are that he can be neglectful (spending a lot of time on the computer), doesn't accompany me to parties (saying he "won't know anyone") and he can also be verbally abusive at times, sometimes pointing his finger in my face and making me feel like a chastised child rather than his partner.

 

2 months ago I left, telling him I was sick of feeling so lonely (with all the time he spends on the computer) but was back by the next day, feeling bad at the thought of him being so hurt by my departure.

 

I DO want to leave him. This is not a life I want anymore. Please give me some advice on what I can do.

[Adele0908]

It doesn't sound like you want to be with your long term partner.

 

It looks like you met him at a young age in your early 20s and now you say you have changed, which is normal in my opinion.

 

No one can tell you what to do and this has to be your own decision.

 

But if I were in your shoes, I would explore other options and not limit myself to my partner who I've grown resentful of. It can be hard to leave a safe and stable relationship, and actually I have done that before. This may sound strange, but I think its the soul that wants to leave and the mind that wants to stay.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think the reality is that it's more about how you feel...I think in spite of him not being everything you want him to be, he's still someone you know you can rely on and who is there for you...he's predictable, he's safe and reliable...for what's its worth.

 

I think you're scared of leaving him, but use his feelings and his woes as a way of kind of guilting yourself back into the situation because he "needs you"...when you just seem like one of those people that know they aren't happy but can't really leave it at the same time because you don't have the...courage, I guess you could say.

 

This other man has "opened your eyes" in a sense, but it's something you already know...you already have your foot half way out the door, it's just a matter of how much more you're willing to take, as a lot of women need a really good kick in the rear in order to actually get themselves out of a situation. It's like this very slow snowballing affect that takes way longer than it should in the end.

 

I would suggest to stop making excuses...stop going in circles in your mind, pulling yourself back in with those "good reasons" that you should say, and ultimately get yourself to a position emotionally that you can say you can do this, and you can move on.

 

Hopefully your fear and insecurities will not lead you to be trapped in a relationship...like so many others, especially with marriages, that prevent you from really seeking out what will make you happier, but instead "endure" because after all...it's not that "bad" and who knows what else is out there.

 

Things like that are what hold back people in life....but it's not anyone else but you in the end. You're the one who decides your fate and future, you make the decision and act upon it...regardless of all the things you can say to yourself to...talk yourself out of it. Ultimately, you know what you want.

[Copelandsanity]

People do not change. They only do so when they experience a grand epiphany, which ironically could be from the act of you leaving him

 

The fact is that you don't have much of a relationship with your partner. All you have is the safety of knowing he'll exist next to you. But there is no spontaneity, no variety, no significance, no connection, no growth and progress between the two of you. If he's not going above and beyond to meet your needs - and it sounds like he's meeting none of them - you have to express that to him and find out if he's willing to do so. If not, then it's in your best interest to pursue a happy and fulfilling future with someone else.

[ForbiddenFruit]

If you haven't talked to him about this subject I suggest that you do, you never know it might be a mutual agreement. but if not. I have your solution

 

Basically you're going to slowly bring the relationship to a dead end. You must take baby steps so he won't notice you are doing it on purpose.

 

Find something that will occupy you and keep you happy(this will be where you maintain your happiness after the split), try to stay busy so it limits the time you two spend together, slowly stop showing intimacy, slowly take away meaning from your kisses/hugs/etc., basically slowly stop the love you show to him.

 

The reason for this is so that when the separation does happen it won't be as bad because you already know how life is going to be without the significant other, plus you guys will both get used to being alone, also by the end of this time he will probably feel the same way about splitting up.

 

But if it brings you two together then its meant to be!

 

Best of luck to you.

[Cedar27]

Every relationship has problems. It sounds like yours are pretty typical. My advice about the weight would be to simply give him sexual incentives. Every hour on the treadmill and you will do X. Make it a game! After the first 10 lbs lost you will do this, after 20 that, etc. If he has a healthy sex drive I think this will give him the motivation to lose that weight. It sounds like he may suffer from some depression too, have a bit of sympathy for him.

 

He sounds like a pretty good guy overall, I wouldn't throw in the towel yet. Have you tried going to counseling, just to have a mediator guide you through all of this? It sounds like your relationship needs a simple tune up, not an engine change.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Cedar27

[salparadise]

I've grown very resentful of him and recently I realised that this is going to be the rest of my life if I allow it to be...

 

Some months ago I met another man my age. He is fit, passionate, kind and very positive.

 

Quit obfuscating your actual motivations. Basically, you've caught a case of the GIGS. This other man makes you wet, you feel like maybe you can do better, so you're looking for an out that feels justifiable in order to avoid the dissonance created by leaving a good man for selfish reasons.

 

Well, the good news for you is that you don't really need to justify it- that's the benefit of not having married. You can simply say, listen, it's been fun but lately I've been thinking about upgrading to a young, fit, passionate man, one of which just happens to be on my radar, and I phuking resent that you aren't willing to change per my specifications. In other words, I ain't happy and it's your fault, so I'm outta here.

 

If your relationship sucks you can leave––it really can be that simple. All I am saying is that you should open your eyes as to why you are unhappy, and own the decision. That would be the opposite of listing a handful of superficial things about someone else as the source of your unhappiness.

 

I'm sure you'll be fine with it when the younger, hotter guy leaves you at age 49 (coming soon) for someone younger, thinner, hotter whose thighs don't chafe.

 

Being in touch with why you feel the way you do is a good thing. Owning your decisions is a good thing. Counseling.

[angel.eyes]

A few thoughts--

 

You were around 21 when you met. He was around 38, already overweight, depressed about lagging behind his peers in life, and promised you he would lose weight. Not surprisingly, none of these things have improved over the last decade. You date the person in front of you. You don't date the person he promises to become. It's a common mistake, so don't feel too bad.

 

At 21, you don't really think about the ramifications of being with someone that much older. If he's already struggling with his weight and health in his late thirties, it won't be a pretty picture as he gets into his 50's, 60's, 70's. With time, it will severely limit your activities...or you will begin to live separate lives. Neither option is ideal. That's one of many data points in determining compatibility.

 

You two have been incompatible for quite sometime, it seems. You're health-focused in your diet and lifestyle choices. He isn't. You enjoy being outdoors. He can't/doesn't. What you enjoy doing is left by the wayside because of his physical limitations. You're human. Of course, you become resentful and angry when the things you like are never options. Another data point in determining compatibility.

 

You call him a good man because he treats you well and doesn't drink, do drugs, or gamble. That describes any decent guy out there...millions of guys like that. By your own admission, your partner belittles you like a child. He ignores you and focuses on his needs and entertainment. It sounds like a one-sided relationship that truly doesn't meet your needs. Yet another data point in evaluating compatibility.

 

Change is hard. It's been hard for both of you. For him to morph into the person he promised he would become when you first met. And for you to leave the security blanket of being in a relationship, and head back into the wilds of dating to find a more compatible partner and happiness.

 

Good luck, whatever your choice.

[carhill]

I want to leave a good man

 

That's OK. It happens every day. Good people enter and exit relationships and marriages all the time. Being good is no guarantee of life-long companionship.

 

People go on. Overwhelmingly, people replace those they once loved with others they love. Sure, sometimes love lasts a lifetime. That lifetime could start tomorrow. Or never.

[preraph]

You only have so many years of this life. You should do what you think will make you the happiest.

[HugosVoice]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

 

salparadise I feel like I need to address your post.

 

Do you think this is the first time in over a decade I’ve been attracted to another man? Of course not. I’m human, and I have spent a lot of time attending parties alone as I said in my original post. I’ve met plenty of men who make me “wet” as you so charmingly put it, but I always said to myself “Soon my boyfriend will be fit again and WE can do these things together! It’ll be great”.

 

But it never came.

 

You can call my reasons superficial if you like but I don’t believe they are. I couldn’t give a crap what he looks like. If I did I never would have started dating him in the first place.

 

I do however give a crap that summer used to be my favourite season and now I dread it. I give a crap that I spend afternoons at the beach alone when I’d kill to be there swimming and sunbathing with my partner. I give a crap that I can sit beside him eating a plate of rice and vegetables while he devours an entire pizza and chases it with half a tub of ice cream. I give a crap that at nearly 50 the man can't come home and make himself a decent meal. I give a crap that he doesn’t care. Should I be seen as an evil person because I want to embrace and enjoy my life? I used to be so passionate, so energetic. I miss that person.

 

Selfish reasons? I’ve listened to 10 years worth of promises. Should I wait another 10?

[stillafool]

 

 

Selfish reasons? I’ve listened to 10 years worth of promises. Should I wait another 10?

 

No you should leave him. One thing for sure if you do leave he will lose a ton of weight because breakups normally do that to people. Hopefully he will be able to keep off the weight, work out, get handsome again and find another love. Good luck to you.

[todreaminblue]

have you actually told him you intend on leaving if things dont change ?

 

when you are eating your rice and veggies do you actually not say anything about what he is eating......and sit there and resent him......

 

 

have you tried walking at night...when the sun is down......going to the beach at night......the beach on a summers night is a magical place, the ebb and flow ....the hush of water on the sand.the silvery luninescence of the capped breakers.......get back what you were.....reclaim that passion that is dormant in you...take him to a deserted beach at night before he eats three sandwiches for tea, take with you a basket full of luscious fruit...make love with him on the sand then go for a walk after along the foreshore.........passionate people can be motivating.......so be passionate and motivate....before you give up your passion to someone else....give it to him for he does deserve your passion...... and see where it goes......deb

[HugosVoice]

have you actually told him you intend on leaving if things dont change ?

 

I’ve never been one to make threats or give ultimatums in relationships. It’s just not how I do things.

 

He has voluntarily promised me, and I believed him for many years. He knows how desperately I miss the beach, the sunshine, the outdoors. Year after year he puts his arm around me and says “Don’t worry, honey. This year I’m getting my body back!”… but his laziness is unbelievable. His lack of motivation has begun to depress me. I always wanted him to do it for himself first and foremost and he doesn’t seem to want to.

[todreaminblue]

I’ve never been one to make threats or give ultimatums in relationships. It’s just not how I do things.

 

He has voluntarily promised me, and I believed him for many years. He knows how desperately I miss the beach, the sunshine, the outdoors. Year after year he puts his arm around me and says “Don’t worry, honey. This year I’m getting my body back!”… but his laziness is unbelievable. His lack of motivation has begun to depress me. I always wanted him to do it for himself first and foremost and he doesn’t seem to want to.

 

it does sound like depression and depression truly sucks......it is catching...its why i tend to stay away when i m down from people.....

 

i got that feeling you really miss the beach....pssst ....so do i.....my inner voice told em though it was starting to get dangerous for me to walk at night by myself....but i have to go and start doing it again..i am trying to motivate my daughters to walk with me.......it strengthens me....my metabolism picks up and i have more energy.......the beach anywhere large bodies of water..true magic.. has always been my magical place.......

 

 

 

depression is a vicious cycle when you gain weight you feel shame about going out and people seeing you, yet going out is the best thing you can do to boost your metabolism ...walking in water ....one of the best exercises to start with.......goes easy on the aching joints.....

 

i really do feel you should talk to him....not making any ultimatums but gently goes it say how you are feeling.....and try night walks for starters its cooler when the sun is not out......when the shadows are indigo....and the water is dark.....take him to your favourite place......your title says it all you know.....you have a good man....what is a good man worth?

 

a good man is worth all your effort.......every last bit..i really want to hear that you are a giving it a go......that you will try.....i understand your frustration.......dont leave a good man down.....i believe you can change this............deb

Edited November 24, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Gloria25]

I don't think threats and/or ultimatums are gonna work here...Actually, I think you've gone above and beyond your requirement to support someone you are involved with. But really, you two never married - only when married does "for better or worse" come in to play.

 

On top of what posts I "liked" in this thread, I also recommend you seek counseling cuz I'm not sure if you were looking for a "daddy figure" and/or someone you can "fix".

 

I have a gf who has an alcoholic father who, cuz of his gambling and alcoholism - has nothing to show for himself. She has and continues to send them money and stuff. What did she marry? An alcoholic. She's been spending their marriage "standing" by her husband - despite DUIs, him spending all her money, etc.

 

Some people take their childhood into their relationships with other people.

 

Also, I don't see what is so "nice" about him. He appears to be self-loathing, selfish and abusive. I mean, it's like saying - ok, he beats me but he buys me ice cream every Friday, so cuz he does nice things like "ice cream" - ignore the abuse cuz ice cream means he's a good person. But that's my opinion.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Gloria25

[HugosVoice]

I don't think threats and/or ultimatums are gonna work here...Actually, I think you've gone above and beyond your requirement to support someone you are involved with. But really, you two never married - only when married does "for better or worse" come in to play.

 

On top of what posts I "liked" in this thread, I also recommend you seek counseling cuz I'm not sure if you were looking for a "daddy figure" and/or someone you can "fix".

 

I have a gf who has an alcoholic father who, cuz of his gambling and alcoholism - has nothing to show for himself. She has and continues to send them money and stuff. What did she marry? An alcoholic. She's been spending their marriage "standing" by her husband - despite DUIs, him spending all her money, etc.

 

Some people take their childhood into their relationships with other people.

 

Also, I don't see what is so "nice" about him. He appears to be self-loathing, selfish and abusive. I mean, it's like saying - ok, he beats me but he buys me ice cream every Friday, so cuz he does nice things like "ice cream" - ignore the abuse cuz ice cream means he's a good person. But that's my opinion.

 

Thanks for your detailed reply, Gloria25

 

(also excuse my rudeness in not addressing others who have replied, a lot of it is stuff I’ve heard many times before, much as I appreciate your effort, thank you. )

 

My parents were also alcoholics. My dad mainly. He was a kind, sweet man but when he drank he had a Jekyl and Hyde thing happen. He would put me down and I never quite felt like I was good enough. I have often thought perhaps I am chasing the acceptance I never got from my father, from my partner. Like my partner I would also forgive/ignore his bad traits, knowing that it was just the “alcohol talking”, as they say.

 

I think I am in love with how much my partner loves me, rather than being in love with him, as a person. Even after all this time he still adores me and I am afraid perhaps I'll never have that again.

[todreaminblue]

I don't think threats and/or ultimatums are gonna work here...Actually, I think you've gone above and beyond your requirement to support someone you are involved with. But really, you two never married - only when married does "for better or worse" come in to play.

 

On top of what posts I "liked" in this thread, I also recommend you seek counseling cuz I'm not sure if you were looking for a "daddy figure" and/or someone you can "fix".

 

I have a gf who has an alcoholic father who, cuz of his gambling and alcoholism - has nothing to show for himself. She has and continues to send them money and stuff. What did she marry? An alcoholic. She's been spending their marriage "standing" by her husband - despite DUIs, him spending all her money, etc.

 

Some people take their childhood into their relationships with other people.

 

Also, I don't see what is so "nice" about him. He appears to be self-loathing, selfish and abusive. I mean, it's like saying - ok, he beats me but he buys me ice cream every Friday, so cuz he does nice things like "ice cream" - ignore the abuse cuz ice cream means he's a good person. But that's my opinion.

 

 

that is true gloria a lot of people take their childhood with them into relationships.....at some level everyone has an inner child some more than others......

 

the fact is this guy is good...he doesnt beat her he isnt abusive....and could possibly have depression....i agree with you about counselling and discussing how close they are actually to breaking up ....before she leaves him......to try ...to give it a shot before throwing away ten years.....which i doubt all ten were bad.......for better or worse.....op hasnt really talked to him...

 

but i am one of those women who sticks by a guy...even when i should probably leave......my advice reflects that mindset......like this.....better or worse.....soldier on...try...give it a shot.....motivate before you designate.......an end........deb

[salparadise]

salparadise I feel like I need to address your post.

 

Do you think this is the first time in over a decade I’ve been attracted to another man? Of course not. I’m human, and I have spent a lot of time attending parties alone as I said in my original post. I’ve met plenty of men who make me “wet” as you so charmingly put it, but I always said to myself “Soon my boyfriend will be fit again and WE can do these things together! It’ll be great”.

 

But it never came.

 

You can call my reasons superficial if you like but I don’t believe they are. I couldn’t give a crap what he looks like. If I did I never would have started dating him in the first place.

 

I do however give a crap that summer used to be my favourite season and now I dread it. I give a crap that I spend afternoons at the beach alone when I’d kill to be there swimming and sunbathing with my partner. I give a crap that I can sit beside him eating a plate of rice and vegetables while he devours an entire pizza and chases it with half a tub of ice cream. I give a crap that at nearly 50 the man can't come home and make himself a decent meal. I give a crap that he doesn’t care. Should I be seen as an evil person because I want to embrace and enjoy my life? I used to be so passionate, so energetic. I miss that person.

 

Selfish reasons? I’ve listened to 10 years worth of promises. Should I wait another 10?

 

No I don't think you should wait another 10 years. Go for it. You never married so you're free to just walk away––you don't even need a reason. Your mind is made up. I think you're here to get some permission and alleviate your conscience. You say it's not because of the superficial stuff, but...

 

You have one in the wings that you describe as "fit, passionate, kind and very positive." Your complaints are that he doesn't swim and sunbathe or eat rice and veggies, which you apparently believe to be "right" vs. what he prefers being wrong. You seem to assume that a person's value is equivalent to fitness level.

 

What I'm not hearing is anything substantive about the relationship, other than the one mention about abusive language and finger pointing, which is tacked on at the end like an afterthought... and as such I kind of doubt that he's abusive. That would be the one thing that does justify walking away.

 

The notion that anyone should devote their life to being who/what you decide they should be, particularly when you've been with him for ten years already and he has never been that person, is totally phuking dysfunctional.

 

My opinion doesn't matter a whit, but I think you're like a person with car fever. You're in the mood to trade up because you're bored and something shiny has caught your eye. You just need to bring the cognitive side in line with the emotional decision so you can alleviate the cognitive dissonance.

 

If you loved the guy you wouldn't need to justify leaving, because you'd be focused on making him happy instead. Why don't you just admit openly that you don't love the old guy, the you've found a newer model that makes you wet, and you're ready to pull the trigger on this deal? It's ok, you're allowed.

Edited November 24, 2014 by salparadise

[HugosVoice]

No I don't think you should wait another 10 years. Go for it. You never married so you're free to just walk away––you don't even need a reason. Your mind is made up. I think you're here to get some permission and alleviate your conscience. You say it's not because of the superficial stuff, but...

 

You have one in the wings that you describe as "fit, passionate, kind and very positive." Your complaints are that he doesn't swim and sunbathe or eat rice and veggies, which you apparently believe to be "right" vs. what he prefers being wrong. You seem to assume that a person's value is equivalent to fitness level.

 

What I'm not hearing is anything substantive about the relationship, other than the one mention about abusive language and finger pointing, which is tacked on at the end like an afterthought... and as such I kind of doubt that he's abusive. That would be the one thing that does justify walking away.

 

The notion that anyone should devote their life to being who/what you decide they should be, particularly when you've been with him for ten years already and he has never been that person, is totally phuking dysfunctional.

 

My opinion doesn't matter a whit, but I think you're like a person with car fever. You're in the mood to trade up because you're bored and something shiny has caught your eye. You just need to bring the cognitive side in line with the emotional decision so you can alleviate the cognitive dissonance.

 

If you loved the guy you wouldn't need to justify leaving, because you'd be focused on making him happy instead. Why don't you just admit openly that you don't love the old guy, the you've found a newer model that makes you wet, and you're ready to pull the trigger on this deal? It's ok, you're allowed.

 

I could sit here all day rattling off the times he has been verbally abusive towards me, telling me to get things through my “thick skull” and frightening me so much that I am so terrified I break out in a rash and literally feel like I could throw up. But, you obviously disagree.

 

Part of the reason I came here for advice is because I’m so scared. As I said he has never lashed out at me physically but his verbal demeanour when he’s angry is terrifying. I don’t know how he’s going to react.

 

I’ve been unhappy for years, always in the back of my mind knowing, truly knowing, he was NEVER going to change, but always hoping he did and hanging pathetically on to that hope. I found old posts of mine from another forum dating as far back as 2008, asking for advice on the matter. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself to you, but I do. You seem to be assuming I’m just some sex starved horny girl who wants to get pounded by someone shiny and new. It's insulting and it’s bugging me. I don't think "a person's value is equivalent to fitness level". You're making my concerns sound ugly, unfair and like I have no right to be feeling them. As I said in my original post I myself am not an overly active person but I would like to do more with my time. Is it so wrong to want a partner who wants the same?

 

Yes, meeting this man has shown me how happy I can be and the life I want now, but he is not the reason.

Edited November 24, 2014 by HugosVoice

[todreaminblue]

I could sit here all day rattling off the times he has been verbally abusive towards me, telling me to get things through my “thick skull” and frightening me so much that I am so terrified I break out in a rash and literally feel like I could throw up. But, you obviously disagree.

 

Part of the reason I came here for advice is because I’m so scared. As I said he has never lashed out at me physically but his verbal demeanour when he’s angry is terrifying. I don’t know how he’s going to react.

 

I’ve been unhappy for years, always in the back of my mind knowing, truly knowing, he was NEVER going to change, but always hoping he did and hanging pathetically on to that hope. I found old posts of mine from another forum dating as far back as 2008, asking for advice on the matter. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself to you, but I do. You seem to be assuming I’m just some sex starved horny girl who wants to get pounded by someone shiny and new. It's insulting and it’s bugging me. I don't think "a person's value is equivalent to fitness level". You're making my concerns sound ugly, unfair and like I have no right to be feeling them. As I said in my original post I myself am not an overly active person but I would like to do more with my time. Is it so wrong to want a partner who wants the same?

 

Yes, meeting this man has shown me how happy I can be and the life I want now, but he is not the reason.

 

 

why did you put him as a good man in your title...what is it about him you class as good.... if he scares you that cant be considered good from your opening post i never got that impression at all....even your reply to me states nothing of the sort..... and i apologize for my lack of understanding on the dynamics of your relationship......i do not support physical and or abusive behavior in anyone male or female....i do know depression can cause in some people ....aggression.....and i do believe that this relationship needs counselling serious counselling.....why have you never married?.what was the advice you were given half a decade ago.......deb

[HugosVoice]

why did you put him as a good man in your title...what is it about him you class as good.... if he scares you that cant be considered good from your opening post i never got that impression at all....even your reply to me states nothing of the sort..... and i apologize for my lack of understanding on the dynamics of your relationship......i do not support physical and or abusive behavior in anyone male or female....i do know depression can cause in some people ....aggression.....and i do believe that this relationship needs counselling serious counselling.....why have you never married?.what was the advice you were given half a decade ago.......deb

 

In all honesty Deb I’m not even sure anymore. He is good to my family, still makes me smile and is a gentleman but as far as the pros and cons, the cons definitely outweigh the pros now.

 

I have never felt comfortable being totally honest with him because of his reactions to things. It’s either verbal anger or the silent treatment.

 

I don’t know what I’m holding on to. Could my self esteem really be that low that I truly believe I’ll never be loved again?

[Cedar27]

Have you gone to a therapist? If so, did both of you air out your concerns with one another?

 

Before you pull the plug I would do that. For all you know a little behavior modification on both your ends could bring magic back. You've invested enough time and energy in this relationship, it would be worth a try.

[salparadise]

I could sit here all day rattling off the times he has been verbally abusive towards me, telling me to get things through my “thick skull” and frightening me so much that I am so terrified I break out in a rash and literally feel like I could throw up. But, you obviously disagree.

 

Part of the reason I came here for advice is because I’m so scared. As I said he has never lashed out at me physically but his verbal demeanour when he’s angry is terrifying. I don’t know how he’s going to react.

 

I’ve been unhappy for years, always in the back of my mind knowing, truly knowing, he was NEVER going to change, but always hoping he did and hanging pathetically on to that hope. I found old posts of mine from another forum dating as far back as 2008, asking for advice on the matter. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself to you, but I do. You seem to be assuming I’m just some sex starved horny girl who wants to get pounded by someone shiny and new. It's insulting and it’s bugging me. I don't think "a person's value is equivalent to fitness level". You're making my concerns sound ugly, unfair and like I have no right to be feeling them. As I said in my original post I myself am not an overly active person but I would like to do more with my time. Is it so wrong to want a partner who wants the same?

 

Yes, meeting this man has shown me how happy I can be and the life I want now, but he is not the reason.

 

Well, if this is the situation (bolded text) then these are definitely important reasons you should be focusing on rather than sunbathing and eating veggies. I was just responding to what you wrote and emphasized as the reasons you're wanting out of this relationship. You are the one who brought up this other guy and comparing them, regardless of whether you're crushing on the guy or not.

 

The bottom line is that if your partner is abusive, the relationship is dead and no hope of rekindling, then it's perfectly reasonable to consider getting out.

 

Your subsequent responses seem to be getting at issues that are far more important than whether he likes to sunbathe or eat veggies. If the guy isn't treating you right, then let's focus on that aspect. I do think you'd do well to see a therapist because you need to sort this stuff out, whereas right now you seem not to be differentiating between the stuff that must change vs. stuff that may not be to your liking but don't constitute serious relationship issues.

Edited November 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off-topic commentary redacted

[RedRobin]

I understand that meeting someone new makes you see in clearer contrast what might be wrong with your current relationship. I also understand that lots of people more or less coast through relationships and hang in there because they are too afraid to be alone... then ditch their partner as soon as they meet someone new.

 

That kind of behavior isn't exactly fair to the current partner. They deserve a chance at knowing how seriously you are thinking about leaving and a chance to make things right.

 

That said, it sounds like you have told him these things over the years and he hasn't changed. Personally, I don't believe this relationship ought to be salvaged. You should have left years ago the minute it became obvious he had no intention of following through on his promises in addition to the bullying and condescention (no surprise from someone old enough to be your dad, TBH)

 

In the future, I'd recommend not getting involved with men you feel the need to 'fix'. I also don't think it is a good idea to get involved with this new guy. You've got some processing to do, and maybe some therapy to figure out why you got involved with someone that much older than you (considering your family history) and why you stuck with him that long.

 

 

Do that before you get seriously involved with anyone new, is my advice.

Edited November 24, 2014 by RedRobin