Smoking and dating

[spiderowl]

Feeling a bit sad now. I try online dating to meet someone nice and keep getting chatting to guys who seem lovely but there is a usually a major problem. Two major problems (for me) are that they are either married/attached or smoke.

 

I won't meet a guy who is married and trying to play around, so that doesn't go anywhere.

 

I don't want to date a guy who smokes. I've had a couple of guys who have contacted me recently and who seemed really nice. Both of them smoked. In both cases, I told them I was a non-smoker and looking for the same. It says so on my profile too, as clear as day! In each case, they said they understood, what a shame it was and so on, but wanted to keep chatting. This is fine and I'm happy to chat. I'm sad it can't be more, but that's the way it is. Inevitably, they bring up dating again and I have to remind them about the smoking. Have they really forgotten? Sure enough, shortly afterwards, they don't want to chat any more or feel they can't bear to because I won't date someone who smokes.

 

This is all very frustrating. I tell the guys up front. What else am I supposed to do? Why don't they recognise from the start that I'm not going to change my mind? Why do they even think I might - don't smokers realise the impact it has on others? Also, I have seen a close family member suffer a greatly diminished life because of smoking. I don't want to invite it into my life. The smell is awful. The behaviour is irritating - the way that smokers get twitchy, irritable and can't concentrate is very wearing on the partner. The cigarettes always come first!

 

I don't know why I'm writing, just a kind of rant I guess. I'm disappointed and sad that these guys can't see why their habit is such a barrier. It's their choice, I know. It's also disappointing for me. These guys would have so many more dating options, if only they realised how much difference it makes.

Edited November 1, 2014 by spiderowl

[thefooloftheyear]

Kinda surprised.....maybe its your locale...

 

Not too many people here smoke..of the ones that do, just by my own casual observation, the women smokers outnumber the men 3 to 1...Quite frankly, I dont know how anyone even can afford to smoke...What is it, like $100./carton>??

 

Anyway, stick to your guns...Its a hideous habit and you will just make your life miserable by allowing it...If I was a guy that was dating, Id probably drop the habit immediately...No need to put up any more barriers than necessary, especially one thats within ones control, saves money, and makes you more healthy..

 

TFY

[Phoe]

I'm the same. Cigarette smoke makes me violently sick.

 

Luckily I've never been pursued by a smoker.

[Day.One]

As an ex-smoker, i can see both sides. Yes, it stinks, it's antisocial, expensive and ruins your health. BUT... It's a drug, so it's an addiction. I tried repeatedly to quit, even managed a whole year once. Hated it, it disgusted me (and she wasn't too thrilled either). For the last decade i couldn't smoke without a stick of gum, a beer, or a coffee to take the taste away (and i hate coffee!), and the smell that sticks to you!

 

But until you can beat it it has a hold on you. Unless you've had an addiction, it's not something 'outsiders' can understand. It wasn't until i discovered vaping that i was able to kick a 30 year habit. 18 months fee of the death sticks! Never going back. Now able to run up stairs with greying out. Hell, now able to run, period (and i do).

 

So keep on with what you're doing. Be friendly, non judgmental, but clear that smoking is a no no to any real world meetup (is that what they call it? I've never done OLD). They'll find someone and so will you. I wish you luck!

[Day.One]

I'm the same. Cigarette smoke makes me violently sick.

 

Luckily I've never been pursued by a smoker.

 

You'd know if you had. You can smell 'em coming!

[gaius]

One girl I dated smoked, I found it kind of hot for some reason. Maybe because there was something dirty about it. I kept picturing her sitting on the toilet with her panties down and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She didn't find the sex appeal in it.

[Leegh]

At least they were honest that they smoked. Speaking for myself, I would not rule out someone that smoked. Perhaps if you met them in a place where smoking is not allowed, it could be OK. They may stop smoking if they met someone they liked and were motivated to stop smoking. I was pursued by a man who turned out to be married (he never told me), and I would have much preferred that he smoked (he didn't) to being married. Hope all goes well.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your replies. I know it's an addiction and a smoker is driven to do it, probably can't imagine life without it. I feel for a person who suffers an addiction, but apart from the smell that's one main reason I don't want it in my life. I don't want to be with someone who is getting twitchy an irritable, whose mind is always on the next cigarette. I wouldn't want to be with an addict of any kind and they are controlled by the drug, whatever it is.

 

I'm not perfect myself. It's not a question of being judgmental, at least I don't think so. It's not wanting that complication in my life. Why should I have to pay that price to meet a nice guy? I suppose I have memories of my mother and other smokers I know being dismissive when they want to smoke. They don't want to talk, spend time with you, they get irritable with you, and you get a pile of unfair criticism for something picked out of thin air because they are feeling the need for a cigarette and you happen to be here. It's the effects of addiction as well as smell (and the taste - kissing a smoker is not the pleasant experience kissing should be).

 

Thank for your comment Leegh. I couldn't be responsibe for making someone give up smoking - wouldn't they throw it back in your face every time they were dissatisfied with you? Also, who wants to go through that grumpy stage with them or suffer the misery yet again if they relapse?

[Destined2B]

I have a really hard time getting into a relationship with a girl because she smokes. Really like her, how she treats me, her sweetness, our awesome sex. But it is a deal breaker for me in LTR. I thought she can quit but that will take her probably at least a few years, plus she is more likely to start again, when things aren't flowing smoothly.

[NJ123]

I personally wouldn't want to be with a smoker. Maybe an occasional smoker, but not one who smokes all the time. I'd be pissed if it always smelled like smoke in my house all the time.

[CarrieT]

In each case, they said they understood, what a shame it was and so on, but wanted to keep chatting. This is fine and I'm happy to chat.

 

This is a critical point. STOP CHATTING!

 

It is a monumental waste of your time and energy. What will it get you? A "friend" that can never really be a romantic partner?

 

Just let them know that you don't see any point in continuing in a conversation that can't lead to anything but disappointment.

 

End of sentence. End of story.

[ThaWholigan]

Its much easier to just date people who don't smoke if you're a non-smoker, so I don't think you're being unreasonable.

 

I'm not much of a cigarette fan personally, but I do smoke the occasional joint myself, so I don't rule out smokers. Not a dealbreaker for me, but I don't think people who smoke should be looking to date someone who has a vastly different lifestyle in terms of what they consume. Unless they wanna quit!!!

[Xelha]

My current bf is a smoker, and the weird thing is that normally this would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me. Normally if I see a guy smoking I immediately lose interest in him.

 

One thing that made it a lot easier for me to deal with is the fact that he only smokes regular cigarettes when on vacation(when we met), and when we went back home he switched to e-cigarettes(no smoke smell).

 

I guess if it's regular cigarettes I could understand being really against the idea of dating a smoker, but I'm really glad I gave my bf a chance.

[BlueIris]

This is a critical point. STOP CHATTING!

 

It is a monumental waste of your time and energy. What will it get you? A "friend" that can never really be a romantic partner?

 

Just let them know that you don't see any point in continuing in a conversation that can't lead to anything but disappointment.

 

End of sentence. End of story.

 

I agree. Chatting with them leads them to believe that you're equivocal about it. Be clear and decisive, especially in OLD, and engage only with men you're truly interested in.

[spiderowl]

I think you're right. The annoying thing was I was clear and unequivocal right from the start, even told him it couldn't be more than friendship because of the smoking. He wanted to continue chatting as friends. Then it's almost as if amnesia set in and he brought up the subject of dating again. It seems such a shame not to be able to chat to a nice guy. This habit steals lives. I wonder if the guys online who smoke realise just how much it reduces their dating options?

[Quiet Storm]

My dad is a typical city boy tough guy, smoking since he was twelve. Gave up the coke and the booze years ago, but still needed to smoke his Marlboro reds. He always said he was so strong, and energetic...and he always was. Until last year.

 

In one year, at age 60, he went from running around in the yard with my kids playing soccer, to not being able to make it up the stairs. He was diagnosed with COPD and has had pneumonia multiple times in the past year. He has to wear oxygen 24/7. All in a year's time.

 

He quit cigarettes now, and still hides his vape pen under the covers in the hospital (even vaping is against the rules there). It's too late. The damage is done.

 

It's a risk to date a smoker, because they are addicted and more likely to experience health problems at a younger age. My mom is a caretaker at 59, when she should be enjoying life with him.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Toodaloo]

One girl I dated smoked, I found it kind of hot for some reason. Maybe because there was something dirty about it. I kept picturing her sitting on the toilet with her panties down and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She didn't find the sex appeal in it.

 

I can't think why! Have you thought about joining "perverts anon"???

 

Thats a strange one to have!

 

I am a smoker, trying desperately to stop. Did for a while then started again. Am gearing myself up for the next attempt as one of them will eventually work!

 

I don't smoke around people who are non smokers. I don't like the smell etc so I don't see why they should.

 

In general I don't smoke much (5-10 a day when I am smoking). I do it on my own either in my car/ garden, not in the house... my breath doesn't smell (I eat mints after because I hate the taste myself). I guess my clothes may occasionally smell just after same as my car until I have aired it out.

 

I know some secret smokers... better to be honest than not.

 

Why not find out what their smoking habits are and see if they do want to give up and how it affects you... probably the more sensible thing to do rather than get ranty about it...

[LittleTiger]

I find the smell of a smokers breath a sexual turn off so smoking has always been a deal breaker for me. My ex husband gave up smoking 'to be with me'. He started again about three years later after a traumatic event and I did my best to ignore it because I realised he was addicted. I tried to ignore it for the whole of our fourteen years together but, the truth was, I was always disgusted by the smell. It was a major factor in the breakdown of our marriage.

 

Don't compromise here - just do what Carrie suggested and cut the conversations as soon as you know the guy smokes. You may be happy to make new friends but it appears you're also giving mixed signals and the smokers are hoping you'll back down.

[Haydn]

I`m in a RS with a smoker. Not bothered about it as long as she does not smoke in the house.

 

Some previous GF`s gave up for obvious reasons like pregnancy and never started again.

 

I used to be an occasional smoker.

 

Still enjoy a `Romeo and Juliet` now and then.

[Shepp]

I don't smoke around people who are non smokers. I don't like the smell etc so I don't see why they should.

This is where i'm odd cause i'm not a smoker, I've never smoked, but I really do like the smell!

Its not as great as bonfire smoke but it still smells pretty good to me.

 

My wife smoked from like 14/15, stopped when she was pregnant, never really re-started bar like an odd one.

 

OP its not an unfair dealbreaker so if its yours, stick to it, but part of having a dealbreaker, any dealbreaker is refining your search perimeters to find a better match which by necessity involved narrowing that pool of people.

The guys probably just think they can win you over, that's human nature. You just have to sort through unsuitable folk to find someone who is a proper match.

[ltjg45]

Like the OP, I can't see me date a smoker which is a bit ironic because the only woman that has shown obvious signs that she is interested in me happens to be a smoker.

 

But with the high costs, the smell, people tend to be crazier, and that it doesn't no good at all just makes me hate it.

 

And that is creepy when I see nothing but women who happens to be smokers. Some of them is at least 5 years younger than me and they look 5 years older than me when they come through my life to buy them.

[PegNosePete]

This is a critical point. STOP CHATTING!

 

It is a monumental waste of your time and energy. What will it get you? A "friend" that can never really be a romantic partner?

 

Just let them know that you don't see any point in continuing in a conversation that can't lead to anything but disappointment.

 

End of sentence. End of story.

Precisely, +1.

 

They are obviously just "chatting" hoping that once you get to know them, you will like them so much you'll overcome your dislike of smoking. You're really just wasting your time, and theirs.

[sillyanswer]

What else am I supposed to do?

 

Stop talking to them (or don't even start) as soon as you become aware of these deal-breakers.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Interesting, I never really thought about how my smoking was perceived in the dating world when I was smoking. I've always been very on and off with it, currently very much off, I wouldn't say I've 'quit' per se, as in the right circumstances with the right people I would accept one from a friend, but I haven't had one in a month and I only had one in the month before that. As a very rare treat (and yes, it can be a treat even when you know alllll of the facts about it) I enjoy it. But when it starts to become weekly, daily, then it's a huge problem, financially and for health related reasons.

 

I wouldn't judge someone who refused to date me if I was smoking however, if you can avoid being around that crap then you really should. My smoking has often been a mirror of a partner's, when my ex smoked a lot I smoked a lot: when another ex didn't smoke at all and despised it, I didn't have one for two years. It's no huge loss or addiction for me so I'm lucky in being able to take it or leave it.

 

Would I date a smoker now I'm (mostly) a non smoker? That's tough. If everything else was amazing and I loved him, then I would. I have been a non smoker while dating smokers before and not had a problem with them going outside for one and refusing to accompany them, although some times more than others it's very difficult to turn it down! If my boyfriend started smoking, I wouldn't comment either way as I believe it's his personal choice as long as I'm not around the smoke.

 

However, if something was a deal breaker for me (like smoking illegal substances) I would stop chatting there and then. No point continuing to talk 'as friends' when you're really not friends at all, you're on a dating site and there are only so many hours in the day.

[spiderowl]

I can't think why! Have you thought about joining "perverts anon"???

 

Thats a strange one to have!

 

I am a smoker, trying desperately to stop. Did for a while then started again. Am gearing myself up for the next attempt as one of them will eventually work!

 

I don't smoke around people who are non smokers. I don't like the smell etc so I don't see why they should.

 

In general I don't smoke much (5-10 a day when I am smoking). I do it on my own either in my car/ garden, not in the house... my breath doesn't smell (I eat mints after because I hate the taste myself). I guess my clothes may occasionally smell just after same as my car until I have aired it out.

 

I know some secret smokers... better to be honest than not.

 

Why not find out what their smoking habits are and see if they do want to give up and how it affects you... probably the more sensible thing to do rather than get ranty about it...

 

It is better to be honest, I agree. Regarding finding out about his smoking habits, it's irrelevant to me. I don't want to be with a guy that smokes even one cigarette a day. I would see smoking 10 a day as a lot.