Red flags or nitpicking?

[leslie2]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 6 months now and we met online which was to be a hookup but soon progressed to exclusive relationship. We both didn't expect it but we opened up to the possibility of relationship to each other quite easily. There is 8 year age difference with me being the older. Also I have a child from a previous relationship while he has none.

 

Generally, I view the relationship as generally good: strong sexual chemistry, patience, thoughtfulness, affection, companionship, and attentiveness.

 

But there are a few things which I regard as red flags but as I've had the tendency to overanalyse and self-sabotage in the past - I'm trying to overlook when compared to the rest of what we have.

 

Firstly, he has a history of seeing pre-op and post-op transsexuals (about 8 instances all up) which mostly occurred before meeting me. The last was after a meet up with me when we were still seeing other people. He is greatly turned on by the domination aspect of being penetrated and while that is okay with me (the act of a female penetrating a male), I'm still bothered by this preference of his despite him asserting that's it's only "a small fraction of his sexuality" and "it's women he's most attracted to." I dunno but I feel threatened that it was even there in his past and that potentially it is more than what he judges it to be. We have a very satisfying sex life together, by the way.

 

Secondly, there was a time he got very angry (justifiably) over what I did once and confessed to (not cheating) and he went off and insulted my body (after having a child 10 years ago), face (minor acne scars which are covered up with makeup), principles (accused me of "wanting to be white" and having biracial children because of this) to a great extent. This happened roughly twice more - while he was still getting over what I had done. I don't see this ever justified but he later confessed that he was neglected by his father and someone emotionally abused by him and witnessed his mother pretty much going "crazy" after his father left them both as a young boy. He said he learned how much words could hurt and could use them quite freely to distance himself from those he loved when he wanted to. Later on (a couple of weeks) he basically took that back as a reason and said it wasn't nearly as bad as he made out, despite him still having nightmares years after of spitting on his mother's face and pushing her to fall down once in a fight. I can't seem to get past this behaviour (the insults) even with his number of apologies. And minimising what happened later, just even makes me feel even more uneasy as he's taken away the explanation for his actions, it seems. Of course, his relationship with his mother in the past is a huge concern.

 

Thirdly, he has committed acts of physical abuse, as I see it.

1. When he wants to know the answer to something....something really which isn't even his right to know he would pin me down and put his weight and knees on my elbows (he once referred this to something his father would do) and not give it up till I gave in.

2. Once in the morning when I refused sex....he sat on me and wanted me to give him oral and kept trying to force it....then he spat on my face (he said this was a "joke")

3. Once when I tried to break up with him he locked the door and pushed his mini fridge in front and pushed me onto the bed....and again he used his force to try to calm me down even though at the time all I said was that I wanted to leave his place and I wasn't at all physical or a threat to him.

4. He has a weird thing where he'll slap me jokingly across the face or bite me hard (enough for me to wince, tear up or bruise) and get pissed off when I say I'll remember that next time we're intimate - as a warning. He'll say it's not abusive.

 

We've been bickering over this increasingly and I just want to know if any of this is reason enough to just leave the relationship. I'm trying to work on issues which were problems in relationships in the past but I feel like I'm violating my own boundaries here. My friends are being diplomatic so I don't feel I get an honest assessment from anyone I know.

[GemmaUK]

Thirdly, he has committed acts of physical abuse, as I see it.

1. When he wants to know the answer to something....something really which isn't even his right to know he would pin me down and put his weight and knees on my elbows (he once referred this to something his father would do) and not give it up till I gave in.

2. Once in the morning when I refused sex....he sat on me and wanted me to give him oral and kept trying to force it....then he spat on my face (he said this was a "joke")

3. Once when I tried to break up with him he locked the door and pushed his mini fridge in front and pushed me onto the bed....and again he used his force to try to calm me down even though at the time all I said was that I wanted to leave his place and I wasn't at all physical or a threat to him.

4. He has a weird thing where he'll slap me jokingly across the face or bite me hard (enough for me to wince, tear up or bruise) and get pissed off when I say I'll remember that next time we're intimate - as a warning. He'll say it's not abusive.

 

I wouldn't give a thought to the other stuff.

If any of this had happened to me I would have already run from this guy.

[CarrieT]

1. When he wants to know the answer to something....something really which isn't even his right to know he would pin me down and put his weight and knees on my elbows (he once referred this to something his father would do) and not give it up till I gave in.

That is assault.

 

2. Once in the morning when I refused sex....he sat on me and wanted me to give him oral and kept trying to force it....then he spat on my face (he said this was a "joke")

That is rape.

 

3. Once when I tried to break up with him

Why? It sounds like you are listening to your gut and should continue to do so.

 

Honestly, it does not sound like healthy relationship. I don't think what you are describing are just red flags but reasons to get out and get out quick. They will only escalate and the pre-op and post-op transsexual thing will definitely rear its ugly head again. Guys who have that fetish don't ever really give it up 100% (in my experience).

[kjohn]

Get the Hell away from this guy as fast as you possibly can!! If not for you, for the safer and well-being of your child!

[Haydn]

This is not a RS. It's abuse. No advice other than protect your child and yourself by making yourself scarce. Sooner the better. GL.

[WrinkledForehead]

Wtf.

 

The transsexual stuff is a part of his sexuality. Small, but exists, and in the context of a trusting relationship that fact shouldn't undermine monogamy.

 

But spitting, slapping, biting, name calling, pinning you down, and blocking the door so you cannot leave? This is abuse, that is rape, and you absolutely don't want your child witnessing any of this and thinking this is how relationships are, do you?

 

Leave!!

[leslie2]

I sincerely appreciate all your prompt replies.

 

You don't think maybe counselling would be a better alternative in this situation?

 

After I made my feelings and thoughts strongly known about the pinning down, slapping, and the oral sex incident - he promptly stopped and promised it would never happen again as he knew I wasn't taking it in the joking vein he thought I would but still.....there was the locking the door and pushing incident two months after.

 

He acknowledges he has "insecurities, anger and self-control issues" and is willing for couples - and individual counselling.

 

The reason I put this out there as I do believe that within him - and he has acknowledged already that - he is changing by being with me.

 

I just don't think he had any real awareness of his actions or of where they stemmed from (father leaving, then father marrying a 16 year old when the father was 32 - which he admitted, messed him up greatly, his mother trying to turn his father against him, father admitting to him when he was studying for uni exams that he used psychological tactics and strategy in court to get out of paying for adequate child support, witnessing mother abusing herself by banging head against wall and screaming numerous times when he was 6 years old....and strange things which I consider violations of parental duties - father and son snort cocaine and heroin together (he bragged that he didn't do drugs with father until he turned 18) and father showing him his penis during Skype talks).

 

A part of me wishes to partake in his treating his issues but another part just sees that these are solely his issues and they need to be attended to by himself.

 

Also, about a few months in our relationship - he confessed that he had "beaten" two previous girlfriends in their relationships, to which he later again....said it wasn't that way but slaps when drunk.

[Arieswoman]

leslie2,

Please, please, I beg you, set yourself up with a safe place to go and leave this man. If not for your own sake, do it for your child's.

 

This man is nasty, abusive, confused about his sexuality, and downright dangerous.

 

You need to act NOW.

 

Good luck.

 

PS If you aren't packing your bags now, then read this, it might change your mind...

 

"Number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq: 6,614:

Number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the US: 11,766

Number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.: 24

Number of workplace violence incidents in the U.S. annually that are the result of current or past intimate partner assaults: 18,700

Number of women in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 4"

(from Huffington Post)

 

And,

 

You don't think maybe counselling would be a better alternative in this situation?

 

you can start any counselling he may agree to when you are in a safe place away from him.

[leslie2]

We don't live together but yes, I am now seeing the situation for what it really is.

 

Thank you, all.

[Frank2thepoint]

I'm trying to work on issues which were problems in relationships in the past but I feel like I'm violating my own boundaries here.

 

It's really not that you are violating your boundaries, but more so that he is violating your boundaries. And for some reason you are allowing it. You are in an abusive relationship, one that is slowly undoing you. You are accepting his behavior based on his past experience with his father and mother. You figure if you stick around, be patient, he will heal and become a better person for you. That's not going to happen. It never does.

 

The scary part is where you tried to leave him and he physically prevented you from doing so. This is very dangerous. My advice, do not tell him that you are breaking up with him. Just cut him off completely.

[Arieswoman]

Leslie2,

 

We don't live together but yes, I am now seeing the situation for what it really is.

 

Thank goodness for that.

 

Now, tell him you won't be seeing him again unless he takes anger management classes and works on his problems. They are his problems and he needs to sort them out.

 

And stop having sex with him - you must not put yourself in a vulnerable position with this man, until he has done a pile of work on himself. He just isn't relationship material at the moment.

 

Good luck.

[leslie2]

Leslie2,

 

 

 

Thank goodness for that.

 

Now, tell him you won't be seeing him again unless he takes anger management classes and works on his problems. They are his problems and he needs to sort them out.

 

And stop having sex with him - you must not put yourself in a vulnerable position with this man, until he has done a pile of work on himself. He just isn't relationship material at the moment.

 

Good luck.

 

All excellent advice from the posters and especially this last one from you, Arieswoman.

 

I'm ashamed to admit it but yes, that's where I've come undone. After the arguments and stating my stance - all does seem to become momentarily "forgotten" after intimacy. Even my concerns with his sexuality even after I've voiced them extensively.

 

He moved closer to be with me but I never invited him to my house or have him know where I live as I'm very protective over my child and our home. I wasn't planning on having him meet my child until we were more stable - however long that was going to take.

[CarrieT]

he is changing by being with me.

It is not your job to fix people.

 

Also, about a few months in our relationship - he confessed that he had "beaten" two previous girlfriends in their relationships, to which he later again....said it wasn't that way but slaps when drunk.

Ugh.

 

Please, please leave. It that type of activity is within him, there is a likelihood that ugly beast will re-appear.

[GemmaUK]

Just please please please drop this guy!

 

Say a guy meets your sister/aunt/mum and asks her out.

He says he really likes her..blah blah and goes on to say that he has anger issues and slaps women when he is drunk but he always says sorry.

 

How far and fast would you you tell her to run?

 

You need to understand that this will only get worse, not better.

 

A couple of books to read to help you realise this are The Jealousy Game by Mandy White )freebie on Kindle. It's a short read that escalates quickly but it shows how things tend to progress.

Also 'How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before Getting Involved' by Sandra L Brown which is not yet on Kindle.It has check lists of signs to look for of all kinds of abusive types.

I dated a man who was 'only' controlling and attempted to be emotionally abusive but he displayed 21 out of the 26 signs of a violent and physical abuser.

 

I only really realised what he was like after I got out of that relationship.

I kept getting thoughts in my head of odd things he said and ended up trying to figure it out. I did figure it out and I now know what to look for in early early stages of getting to know someone.

[StanMusial]

Sounds like a normal guy. A real winner.

[Frank2thepoint]

He moved closer to be with me but I never invited him to my house or have him know where I live as I'm very protective over my child and our home. I wasn't planning on having him meet my child until we were more stable - however long that was going to take.

 

This is very good that you did this. Use this to your advantage and cut him off. You do not need to give him an explanation. But if you wish, you can call him one last time just to tell him it is over and that he needs to fix himself. Then just hang up, don't even wait for his pleas.

[leslie2]

This is very good that you did this. Use this to your advantage and cut him off. You do not need to give him an explanation. But if you wish, you can call him one last time just to tell him it is over and that he needs to fix himself. Then just hang up, don't even wait for his pleas.

 

He has uni exams this week and it was already understood that we wouldn't be seeing each other as we regularly do this week so I'm going to not contact him nor reply to him until after this week is through. Next week, I will then explain to him that it is over. Then, use no contact thereafter.

[Maleficent]

 

Thirdly, he has committed acts of physical abuse, as I see it.

1. When he wants to know the answer to something....something really which isn't even his right to know he would pin me down and put his weight and knees on my elbows (he once referred this to something his father would do) and not give it up till I gave in.

2. Once in the morning when I refused sex....he sat on me and wanted me to give him oral and kept trying to force it....then he spat on my face (he said this was a "joke")

3. Once when I tried to break up with him he locked the door and pushed his mini fridge in front and pushed me onto the bed....and again he used his force to try to calm me down even though at the time all I said was that I wanted to leave his place and I wasn't at all physical or a threat to him.

4. He has a weird thing where he'll slap me jokingly across the face or bite me hard (enough for me to wince, tear up or bruise) and get pissed off when I say I'll remember that next time we're intimate - as a warning. He'll say it's not abusive.

 

#2 is enough for me to kick a guy's ass tot he curb. Considering #s 1, 3 and 4...get the hell out of there, girl!

Especially since you have a child...If #1 is something his father used to do, he will see no problem doing it to your kid.

[Maleficent]

 

He acknowledges he has "insecurities, anger and self-control issues" and is willing for couples - and individual counselling.

 

Classic abuser fake promise.

 

The reason I put this out there as I do believe that within him - and he has acknowledged already that - he is changing by being with me.

 

Classic reaction of the abused person.

 

Get.Out.Of.There.

Get help!

[Maleficent]

He has uni exams this week and it was already understood that we wouldn't be seeing each other as we regularly do this week so I'm going to not contact him nor reply to him until after this week is through. Next week, I will then explain to him that it is over. Then, use no contact thereafter.

 

Please look in your area for support to victims. Abusers are also manipulative and he will most likely try everything in his power to twist things around, make it your fault and convince you to take him back.

[kjohn]

No, I don't think couple's therapy is the answer for you, in this case.

 

You are not married to this guy, you don't live with him, you don't have children together….there is no reason under the sun why you need to stay connected with him.

 

You've only been seeing each other six months. That's the blink of an eye. It's not like you are trying to save a relationship of 20 years where you are deeply entwined in each other's lives.

 

Leave and don't look back.

 

One of my favorite quotes…"When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them the first time."

 

He has shown you his true colors.

 

Word of caution, BE PREPARED. This guy is not going to let you walk away easily. If I were you, I would make a plan. You're going to have to be prepared to be strong and to stay strong and, depending on how he reacts, you may have to take emergency precautions.

 

You might want to consider telling some family and friends who you are close with that you are planning to break up with him. Tell them why and tell them you are worried about how he will react. You want people to know the situation in case you need to run to them for help.

 

Do whatever you need to do to protect you and your child. Do not let him manipulate you, because he will try.

 

I love you.

 

I am willing to change for you.

 

I know I have a problem and I want to fix it, but I need your support to do it.

 

Blah, Blah, Blah…..it's all manipulative BS!! Don't listen to any of it.

 

Just keep telling yourself "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

 

This is not your problem, it's his. Your only goal here is to get him out of your life.

[GemmaUK]

Do not explain anything when you cut ties with him or he will talk you around with the charming side that you already know he has and he already knows wins you over.

No doubt anyone who knows you both also thinks he is one great hell of a guy! They are massive charmers!

 

I ended my 7 month RS by text.

Coward? Maybe.

Do I give a damn? Nope.

 

I didn't want to talk to him again. I didn't care. I had tried to end it 4 months earlier and got darn well talked around.

 

Maleificent is right...I had a further 5 months of hassle from my ex so get support.

[beandel]

Get out of this NOW.

 

My father was abused when he was younger and had a pretty messed up childhood. To this date he still suffers from it. Its not something people get over. My father is now 64 years old, still plays the sorry card and still blames his horrible attitude and abuse on his past.

 

My mother was abused for years- this messed me and my brother up so badly. It affects our relationships and the ability to trust. I don't like even playful hits and can end up freaking at someone even when they are joking.

 

My mother kept thinking she could change my father - THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB.

 

Get out and get out NOW. He is messed up and has a lot of cleaning and self -reflection to do. You wanted a relationship not a basket case. Maybe when he is fixed if he is fixed you can both take that up again.

 

Not now.

 

Get out if not for you for your kids.

[Toodaloo]

leslie2,

Please, please, I beg you, set yourself up with a safe place to go and leave this man. If not for your own sake, do it for your child's.

 

This man is nasty, abusive, confused about his sexuality, and downright dangerous.

 

You need to act NOW.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't need to say more - just adding my vote.

[anika99]

He has uni exams this week and it was already understood that we wouldn't be seeing each other as we regularly do this week so I'm going to not contact him nor reply to him until after this week is through. Next week, I will then explain to him that it is over. Then, use no contact thereafter.

 

 

Please stay resolute in your decision. Please don't let him sweet talk you and don't believe any promises he makes about how he will change. This guy is really bad news. Don't say you will stay with him or give him a chance if he agrees to anger management or any other type of therapy. This guy needs YEARS OF THERAPY before he could even slightly improve. He will abuse you and he will definitely abuse your child if you give him the opportunity.

 

 

Anybody who would spit in your face has ZERO respect for you. Spitting in someone's face is a form of assault that is meant to demean and humiliate. If this guy had any real affection for you, any respect for you or even regarded you as an equal human being he could never spit in your face. All of the stuff he has done to you is wrong and horrible but if you never told us about everything else and only told us that he spit in your face one time, I would still tell you ditch this guy and never look back.