One night stand who I like - pursue or leave it?

[Lovezen_30]

Brief background: I recently moved to a new country and have struggled to settle in a bit. Part of the reason for this is that I was meant to move here with my my boyfriend at the time but it didn't work out and has taken time to adjust to.

 

So I haven't dated since (been asked but declined). Then last week I met a man who is friends with my other friends. We hit it off and spent the whole evening talking about a range of topics. At the end of the night after a lot of alcohol had been consumed I went back to his and we ended up in bed together. Initially he said he was usually a relationship kind of guy and wanted to go slow but I was so attracted to him I wanted to go for it and so we did. I had to basically convince him that I don't usually have one night stands though, which was true.

 

It was so passionate and the chemistry was incredible for both ends. In the morning we did it again and then he spooned me while we chatted. We then went back to sleep and I left in the afternoon. We said goodbye and he shyly said he hoped I'd feel okay about seeing him again because of our mutual friends. Not spoken since and now I kind of wish I hadn't rushed into anything and go to know him. Should I contact him at all or just leave it alone?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Leave him alone. You know what you did, and understand his feelings. If he wants to spend time or do a come again with you, I am sure you'll get word.

[Frank2thepoint]

If you like him romantically, and would like to be romantic with him, then talk to him. Just make sure you make your intentions clear, and get his too.

[Lovezen_30]

Leave him alone. You know what you did, and understand his feelings. If he wants to spend time or do a come again with you, I am sure you'll get word.

 

Maybe you're right. Though he was very shy and I think I was perhaps too aggressive for him (though he soon came out of his shell!). He said it takes him a while to open up to someone (his ex cheated on him for one) and I wasn't exactly putting my best foot forward that night with taking it slow, which I have now reflected on.

 

Since the ons his best mate added me on Facebook and we've socialised a bit with other friends. We are definitely going to see each other again so I'm not sure what to do next if anything. There was a connection there and I'm sorry if I messed it up.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You did not mess it up.... It allowed him to share his feelings with you.

 

The next time you see him, I am sure if you make eye contact and smile, he will come to you before you get to say hi.

 

Allow him to have trust in you. It may not be instant romance, but will be an opportunity to have one.

 

Being a shy gent, I prefer to know the other to feel attached. Though I have a feeling it is more about my own wiring.

[Lovezen_30]

You did not mess it up.... It allowed him to share his feelings with you.

 

The next time you see him, I am sure if you make eye contact and smile, he will come to you before you get to say hi.

 

Allow him to have trust in you. It may not be instant romance, but will be an opportunity to have one.

 

Being a shy gent, I prefer to know the other to feel attached. Though I have a feeling it is more about my own wiring.

 

It might not be another week or so until I see him again though...what if someone else snaps him up?!

 

Ha ha. So are you saying just wait until I see him next rather than actively pursuing/chatting in the meantime? He did confide in me about things in his life, which could be promising, but I don't know.

[Lovezen_30]

You did not mess it up.... It allowed him to share his feelings with you.

 

The next time you see him, I am sure if you make eye contact and smile, he will come to you before you get to say hi.

 

Allow him to have trust in you. It may not be instant romance, but will be an opportunity to have one.

 

Being a shy gent, I prefer to know the other to feel attached. Though I have a feeling it is more about my own wiring.

 

Hi, just wanted to update. I ended up really reflecting on what I really want right now. As I am only 6 months out of my last long term relationship I think I need to give my heart more time to heal before I can even think about dating seriously again. I don't really feel ready. But I'm also not sure that I can ever just casually sleep with people either.

 

So then a strange (is it strange?) thing happened. I met this guy again through friends - we talked and he said that although it was very good he had felt slightly awkward about having a one night stand because he usually has sex in long term relationships only. I am the same way generally, which lead on to talking about the fact he hasn't been split up from his ex for very long either. So...I asked him to be friends! And then we decided to meet up for a drink next week...which he said he's really looking forward to. And honestly I feel so relieved. He is a very nice guy and I think a friend might be what we both need for now.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Hi, just wanted to update. I ended up really reflecting on what I really want right now. As I am only 6 months out of my last long term relationship I think I need to give my heart more time to heal before I can even think about dating seriously again. I don't really feel ready. But I'm also not sure that I can ever just casually sleep with people either.

 

So then a strange (is it strange?) thing happened. I met this guy again through friends - we talked and he said that although it was very good he had felt slightly awkward about having a one night stand because he usually has sex in long term relationships only. I am the same way generally, which lead on to talking about the fact he hasn't been split up from his ex for very long either. So...I asked him to be friends! And then we decided to meet up for a drink next week...which he said he's really looking forward to. And honestly I feel so relieved. He is a very nice guy and I think a friend might be what we both need for now.

 

Good to hear you both understand there needs to be healing time. Allowing you both to share feelings as friends will allow you both to regain trust that has been broken. Sure things will be slow, but IMO the best moments are those that are special. Simpley allowing undrstandings and acceptance of each other will allow for the moments you share to be special. You both will learn to grow with each other in many ways.

[Lovezen_30]

Good to hear you both understand there needs to be healing time. Allowing you both to share feelings as friends will allow you both to regain trust that has been broken. Sure things will be slow, but IMO the best moments are those that are special. Simpley allowing undrstandings and acceptance of each other will allow for the moments you share to be special. You both will learn to grow with each other in many ways.

 

Well it seemed positive. He asked me to go out Friday and then when I told him I had plans invited him to join (he wasn't open to any mid-week plans, saying he was too busy and only free on weekends). I also invited him to my birthday night and he said that both these plans sounded great. But this was two days ago...and when I tried to solidify the plans... I heard nothing in return. He has been online though.

 

I feel a little awkward now. It's disappointing because other then a female friend, he's probably the person I've probably connected most with since I got here (moved country). But it annoys me that we have these deep, meaningful conversations (I have found myself revealing things I have not revealed to anyone - and I am very doubtful that as a shy man he tends to reveal the things he says to me to many others) and then he becomes distant. It's not something I have energy for.

[Frank2thepoint]

It sounds like the guy took advantage of a nice opportunity, and you conveyed to him that you are okay about the one night stand. By extending to him to be just friends, he took it as you two are adults that didn't get hung up on it, just enjoyed each others company, nothing more. But now you are also inviting him to meet up more, which he figures means you want more out of the experience, maybe have it develop into a relationship. He is being distant because that's not what he wants. If you don't have energy for it, and if you feel like it, you should talk with him the next time you guys see each other. Be direct about what you really want.

[Lovezen_30]

It sounds like the guy took advantage of a nice opportunity, and you conveyed to him that you are okay about the one night stand. By extending to him to be just friends, he took it as you two are adults that didn't get hung up on it, just enjoyed each others company, nothing more. But now you are also inviting him to meet up more, which he figures means you want more out of the experience, maybe have it develop into a relationship. He is being distant because that's not what he wants. If you don't have energy for it, and if you feel like it, you should talk with him the next time you guys see each other. Be direct about what you really want.

 

Well I asked him to meet up now that we are friends and he was like "really?". how could I have been any clearer that this was what I wanted? Me: "Yes...". Him: "That'd be great!". We actually confided in each other over our last relationships etc and why we both needed to take it slow for a bit. Then we spent time with other friends for the rest of the night and when it came to saying goodbye he hugged me and said 'I'm excited for next week :)"

 

Now it seems that he doesn't even want friendship. It seems a little odd. The next time we met up we realised we are both really into music and especially a little known band that no one seems to really know about! Great! The things that makes people friends...and then just as he was got deeper into the conversation he scarpered.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Lovezen_30

[FitChick]

What did your friends tell him about you that might explain his behavior?

[Lovezen_30]

What did your friends tell him about you that might explain his behavior?

 

My friends? They haven't spoken to him as far as I'm aware! They see him at parties and that's it. Why, what are you thinking...?

 

There is one guy. Who is friends with him, who also tried it on with me and whom I rejected. He did get moody after this and said "I think you are out of his league". However, he changed his tune afterwards and said "It seems like you two figured things out, I'm glad." So I guess he must have spoken to him. The only other thing was his best:eek: friends staring at us while smiling and him saying "don't look at them, just ignore them..."

 

might just be him?

Edited October 22, 2014 by Lovezen_30

[Lovezen_30]

It sounds like the guy took advantage of a nice opportunity, and you conveyed to him that you are okay about the one night stand. By extending to him to be just friends, he took it as you two are adults that didn't get hung up on it, just enjoyed each others company, nothing more. But now you are also inviting him to meet up more, which he figures means you want more out of the experience, maybe have it develop into a relationship. He is being distant because that's not what he wants. If you don't have energy for it, and if you feel like it, you should talk with him the next time you guys see each other. Be direct about what you really want.

 

Two things could happen here. One, he DOES get back in touch and I do see him at the weekend.

 

Two, I get back in touch to tell him the detailed plan and he doesn't respond. This would be very rude imo.

 

Three, he doesn't respond at all. What then? So we both know that will be seeing each other semi-frequently and he ignores me completely having just said that is really forward to meeting up and coming to this event with me. Do I say "look, I'm not sure why you have went quiet since we made plans but I do know that it makes me a little uncomfortable considering we might still see each other from time to time. If you don't want to be friends, that's okay, but at least tell me where your head is at." (or something). Or do I just leave it completely?

Edited October 22, 2014 by Lovezen_30

[Frank2thepoint]

Well I asked him to meet up now that we are friends and he was like "really?". how could I have been any clearer that this was what I wanted? Me: "Yes...". Him: "That'd be great!".

 

You may have been clear, but it seems only you understand this. He seems to have a different perception on it. He probably has conflicting feelings, one where he may like you but doesn't know how to approach you about it. Hence why I suggest have a real chat with him about the topic.

 

 

Three, he doesn't respond at all. What then? So we both know that will be seeing each other semi-frequently and he ignores me completely having just said that is really forward to meeting up and coming to this event with me. Do I say "look, I'm not sure why you have went quiet since we made plans but I do know that it makes me a little uncomfortable considering we might still see each other from time to time. If you don't want to be friends, that's okay, but at least tell me where your head is at." (or something). Or do I just leave it completely?

 

Personally I wouldn't suggest to leave it completely. He is acting weird, and it is bothering you. What you just mentioned in the quoted text is a very good way to approach him about it the next time you see each other. But you do have to prepare yourself for some kind of action if he scampers off again when the discussion gets serious.

 

 

The other thing I want to ask is if you really like this guy, maybe more than just being friends? I understand both of you have gone through recent break-ups, but both of you are human with feelings, and did have sex. There are feelings involved, some pretty heavy ones since both of you are dancing around each other. Regardless, I still suggest for you talk with him, but be direct, and demand direct, honest answers too.

[Lovezen_30]

You may have been clear, but it seems only you understand this. He seems to have a different perception on it. He probably has conflicting feelings, one where he may like you but doesn't know how to approach you about it. Hence why I suggest have a real chat with him about the topic.

 

 

 

 

Personally I wouldn't suggest to leave it completely. He is acting weird, and it is bothering you. What you just mentioned in the quoted text is a very good way to approach him about it the next time you see each other. But you do have to prepare yourself for some kind of action if he scampers off again when the discussion gets serious.

 

 

The other thing I want to ask is if you really like this guy, maybe more than just being friends? I understand both of you have gone through recent break-ups, but both of you are human with feelings, and did have sex. There are feelings involved, some pretty heavy ones since both of you are dancing around each other. Regardless, I still suggest for you talk with him, but be direct, and demand direct, honest answers too.

 

Hey Frank2thepoint. Although I was meant to see him this weekend I've had to postpone plans for some very valid reasons. He was fine with it and responsive when I contacted him at first but I haven't heard from him since. The only thing I can garner from this is that he really isn't interested and is trying to make that clear to me. He simply doesn't respond to messages that any normal person would expect a reply to.

 

Anyway, I've thought things through. And decided that while I'll be friendly when I see him/continue to invite him out with all of our friends...I'm not going to selectively ask him out as a friend again. There are feelings involved on my end - he seemed to be going out of his way to tell the other night that while he occasionally touches base with his ex, there is no way they would get back together. Every time I'm with him we connect and the sex definitely felt very intimate. But I think now he has went far too quiet and I'm starting to feel drained from the experience. It's disappointing because I felt a genuine connection on a physical, emotional and mental level. But if he doesn't want to explore that for whatever reason...I have tried.

Edited October 24, 2014 by Lovezen_30

[Emilia]

I've learned over the years not to suggest 'being friends' with someone when I want more. It's very clear from your posts that you like him and that you want more. It is also rare to be mates with someone you slept with, it can only happen if you are both busy with other people and have no interest in each other. It happens, I know someone like that but it's very rare since it needs to be mutual.

 

I'd say leave it. It was a mistake to give this whole 'let's be friends' label. You should have just suggested a coffee and take a possible rejection on the chin.

 

Generally it's best not to sleep with someone if you like them for this reason exactly, people have the tendency to freak out when things move too fast. An innocent invite would have come off better, nevertheless.

[Frank2thepoint]

There are feelings involved on my end - he seemed to be going out of his way to tell the other night that while he occasionally touches base with his ex, there is no way they would get back together.

 

This sounds more reactive than proactive on his part. Maybe he is still holding on to his ex and used the one night stand in hopes of getting over her, or maybe he isn't and is saying it as means to convince himself to not like you more than he wants to admit. But sadly his actions are annoying. It is also a shame he can't communicate with you better.

 

 

It's disappointing because I felt a genuine connection on a physical, emotional and mental level. But if he doesn't want to explore that for whatever reason...I have tried.

 

To be frank (just like my name ), you should have taken my initial advice in my first post to your conundrum. You should have just told him your intentions clearly, your feelings, and that you wanted something more out of the one night stand. Therefore I do agree with what Emilia just said that you should not have told him "let's be friends", because what you were saying and feeling were in conflict.

[Lovezen_30]

This sounds more reactive than proactive on his part. Maybe he is still holding on to his ex and used the one night stand in hopes of getting over her, or maybe he isn't and is saying it as means to convince himself to not like you more than he wants to admit. But sadly his actions are annoying. It is also a shame he can't communicate with you better.

 

 

 

 

To be frank (just like my name ), you should have taken my initial advice in my first post to your conundrum. You should have just told him your intentions clearly, your feelings, and that you wanted something more out of the one night stand. Therefore I do agree with what Emilia just said that you should not have told him "let's be friends", because what you were saying and feeling were in conflict.

 

Yes, I realise now that you are correct in being so frank, Frank. I almost did say "I really like you..." - and at the last moment changed it to let's be friends because I panicked and was scared of the rejection!

 

Anyway we've spoken a little but overall he's been very quiet. He actually talks to my flatmates online and excludes me from the discussion. He has known them for longer and he did say "it takes me a while to get to know someone" (he's also quite shy) but I find his actions quite hurtful. He's actively ignoring me, more or less and I don't understand why. I do know that I'm going to stop going out with him and see other friends/people for a while though.

[Frank2thepoint]

I almost did say "I really like you..." - and at the last moment changed it to let's be friends because I panicked and was scared of the rejection!

 

I want to ask you something serious, and I want you to think about my question.

 

Imagine you did put your pride on the line, put your heart out there, and told him you like him. For argument's sake, assume he said he doesn't feel the same. You would have been rejected. Your pride would have been hurt, and felt dejected for a couple of hours or couple of days. But at least you know you tried, he was honest, and you pick yourself up and move on.

 

Considering how you feel now, with how the situation has played out, how he mislead you with being friends, and how he avoids and ignores you. Of the hypothetical situation I mentioned above and your current conundrum, which of these is worst?

 

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and assume your current situation is a worst feeling. I'm saying this because the pain of rejection is temporary, like a band-aid being ripped off really quickly. It hurts the moment you are rejected, but you get a sense of relief quickly afterward because you can say you tried. Believe me about this. I'm a man, and as a man I've gone through plenty of rejections to the point it no longer phases me. I take it with stride.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your guy is so immature to stoop to such childish antics. At least you are mature to accept it and strong to move on. Next time, don't be afraid to say what you feel. Fortune favors the bold.