LostInLimbo Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Hi all, im a male 42 just looking for advice. I have been with my Girlfriend for 2 yrs now, we both came from relationships where we were cheated on. 1 year into our relationship, I asked her to move in, thats when things became different. I have my own home and pay all the bills, including Mortgage, which is fair, its my home, my responsibility. The other half works, not a great paying job but thats fine, so I only receive 200.00/month which is still ok, its all she is able to afford. Here is my problem and I am not sure how to handle it or deal with it, i've tried to but it only seems to work for a short time. I am the one who does everything around the house and realizing I do own it, my home, just would like some help. Eg. Dishes in the sink, sit there until I put them in the dish washer, recycling sits until I put it out, garbage bin sits until I come home from working late evenings I bring them up, feed her cat everyday (I don't mind) just so much to list. It seems I have to ask her to do things and unless I don't they won't get done , I just don't like and have never left her a list, as I feel thats juvenile and a bit controlling, but I am not sure how I ever get my point across to her that I really need help, its burning me out cleaning up after her day after day and not being done unless I ask, which I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety disorder which this makes it worse. I know this may seem petty, but to me its important, I am at my ends wit, thanks everyone, for any feedback LiL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Since you are paying the majority of the bills, she must do her part and help out around the house. She moved in with you, therefore she has to do dishes and be an adult. If there are dishes to be done, she should do them and not leave it up to you. A simple conversation about dividing up chores needs to happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInLimbo Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 Thanks whichwayisup , I appreciate your feedback Since you are paying the majority of the bills, she must do her part and help out around the house. She moved in with you, therefore she has to do dishes and be an adult. If there are dishes to be done, she should do them and not leave it up to you. A simple conversation about dividing up chores needs to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 First of all, please stop making excuses for her. Believe me, even if the house was co-owned and she paid equal share, she would STILL be like this. Sadly, she's a slob. That's the be-all and end-all of it. Not all women like housework, participate in housework or even do it. Many, many men behave in the same way, so it's a role-reversal situation here. Why does she behave like this? Because she can. Sadly, you're in a lose-lose situation. If you request more help, input or cooperation, after a while you'll resent having to continually ask, and she will resent your nagging. If you just leave everything in the hope she will do it on her own, eventually, you'll have a long wait for nothing except more resentment on your part, when you finally cave in, and end up doing it yourself anyway. Third option is to bite the bullet, accept she's an habitual slob, and get used to the housewife role. Of course the fourth and final option is to break up. She has it cushy. A house you pay for, minimal contribution accepted without challenge, and a man who will wait on her, clear up after her mess, and not make a fuss... I detect a slight imbalance here... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 There is a fifth option that Evanescentworld didn't mention: You could ask her to move out of your house and continue your relationship. Part of living together is to see if there is compatibility in that regard and you have learned that you two are not compatible; she has different living standards than you do. But if the rest of the relationship is good, then there is no reason to continue as a couple without living together. Many people do... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Since you are paying the majority of the bills, she must do her part and help out around the house. She moved in with you, therefore she has to do dishes and be an adult. If there are dishes to be done, she should do them and not leave it up to you. A simple conversation about dividing up chores needs to happen. I think you'll find he's tried that on more than one occasion, and while it does make a difference, the improvement is temporary and after a while everything reverts to the unfavourable level. Sadly, in my opinion, it's ultimatum time. Your house, your rules. If she doesn't start pulling her weight and keep the effort up, then come next month, she will have to start seriously considering where she is going to live. Seriously, unless you take control of your personal space and environment, you are going to build up so much resentment that you are going to want to move out! Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 First of all, please stop making excuses for her. Believe me, even if the house was co-owned and she paid equal share, she would STILL be like this. Sadly, she's a slob. That's the be-all and end-all of it. I absolutely agree with this. I think this is her true colors showing. Moving in together is hard. I just did it 3 months ago with my BF who I have been with for nearly 4 years. I thought that after being together for so long we knew enough about how the other lived that we could both make informed decisions about whether or not cohabitating would work. In reality….it was shocking what an adjustment it was despite the fact that we had lots of conversations beforehand about how the finances and responsibilities would be divided! You definitely need to have a conversation with her about dividing the responsibilities, but you will have to be very careful how you approach it so as not to make her feel as though you are accusing her of being a lazy freeloader (even if that is how she is behaving). Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Yeah I don't know what to tell you. When I lived with someone that was clean I cleaned up all my ****. If I didn't she'd do it for me and I'd feel like an a-hole even though she said multiple times she didn't care. To me this is just petty stuff. I'd probably end up leaving the dishes undone every once in a while. You are cleaner than I am. I'd just talk to her about it a few times, and assume drastic change wasn't going to happen. This is stuff I never got upset about but when things were going south with my terrible roommates they'd usually take it out on this stuff. Our fights had nothing to do with dishes, and a lot to do with them being huge jerks. They were also just as messy as me but chose to not acknowledge that. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 There is a fifth option that Evanescentworld didn't mention: You could ask her to move out of your house and continue your relationship. Part of living together is to see if there is compatibility in that regard and you have learned that you two are not compatible; she has different living standards than you do. But if the rest of the relationship is good, then there is no reason to continue as a couple without living together. Many people do... That is certainly an option, but it would certainly alter the dynamics of the relationship, and not to her advantage, obviously.... I'm wondering (as she appears to enjoy being waited on and fetted) whether she would actually accept this specific scenario so willingly.... Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Calm communication is key. If you can't have a calm discussion about something that is bothering you and have the other person respect both your feelings and your house, you have bigger problems than her not cleaning. If you can't talk to her...I would end it. Stewing is no way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Women go through this literally all the time with men, so it's an old problem. Not sure if it's any easier resolved when the roles are reversed or not. A woman asks a man to do his part and he won't do it because she's "nagging." So not sure how your appeal will be recieved, but I'd sit her down and say, "We need to make a plan if we're going to keep living together." I'd have a list of chores already made and then ask her to take her first pick which one she wants to be responsible for doing regularly. You might have to divide the chores into daily or weekly" to divide up work equally. Then you pick, then she picks. If she doesn't keep up her end, move her ass out. I never understood why anyone would want to live together with a person not doing their part. And I'm speaking as a woman who doesn't do much housework, but at least I don't leave things laying around and I keep the kitchen cookable. I wouldn't expect anyone to put up with me, so I live alone and I bring in a maid about every 3 months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 My reply here is the same whether or not you were dating this woman or this was a family member or friend... When people open their door to you, IMO, they should NEVER ask you to do a thing. Now, if you are in a situation where people are sharing rent - then yes, duties, expectations, responsibilities SHOULD be outlined. I have friends and siblings who open up their homes, apts, etc to family and friends and I'm sad to say they turned their homes into sloppy slopps. I don't tolerate that crap. I got mad at a sibling and I didn't raise my voice to them, I just told them something like 'are you not ashamed of how this place looks' and it was enough for them to clean up the place as soon as my visit was over. Even when I go and visit family members, you can't keep my mum and I from cleaning up their place and behind ourselves. We don't ask, we do and then some. We even go grocery shopping for them. Mind you, when we're visiting family, we're on vacation - and while you'd think the last thing on your mind is to clean on your vacation and let your host "serve" you, my mom and I are the contrary. BTW, when they come to visit us, I'm adamant about them not lifting a finger in my home. So, I'm the perfect guest and host. My point being, when you give a "hoot" about the other person, they should not have to ask you a thing. When you care about someone, you're always asking yourself "what can I do to make him/her happy" and when you have that attitude, you start looking for ways to please them. Obviously this woman doesn't care for you. I have two past friends of mine who were slobs...I don't know HOW they got married. I mean one guy he cleaned her apt and still married her knowing she was a lazy slob. Well, both of them are divorced...end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInLimbo Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 Thanks for all the feedback, I wasn't expecting this much as I thought maybe it seemed like a petty complaint, but I really enjoyed reading the thoughts on here and really helped me to decide what to do, as well as making a chore list to divide up (thinking that was childish and controlling until now) and then go from there to see how that helps, as thats my only complain about this relationship and if I wanna try and save it, I will try anything... I can't live like a slob... Thanks Everyone LiL Link to post Share on other sites
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