Can chemistry be created?

[quidproquo89]

An odd thing to ask maybe but if you have a lot in common with somebody and you really like them. Can you create chemistry? By being as charming and funny as possible or telling good stories.

[quidproquo89]

For example on a first date, when you have to sit across from someone making conversation. How do you make chemistry between you. I'm quite reserved when I meet people so I'm not always very charming or funny on a first date, not nerves but rather because I'm not comfortable with any stranger right away.

 

I've had good first dates where someone is already really into you. Sometimes however if someone is equally reserved as me it can feel like no chemistry - which may lead to rejection - how do I combat this?

[preraph]

I kind of think you can, just by making a big effort to be interested in what she says and entertaining. You know, they train journalists to just keep asking questions of people, and I have one good friend who was one and then went to some parties with a bunch of them, and they make you feel like all their attention is on you and that you are fascinating. Of course, if that is a chore to you, you will get tired of doing it. You have to be able to keep it up throughout the relationship.

 

And then I've known a couple of guys who were just so off the wall and entertaining that they'd get you laughing whether you wanted to like them or not. I didn't really like this dude because he was playing a couple of my younger female friends at the time, but it made me realize what they saw in him. We were all at a club separately, listening to a band and he sidled up next to me and said into my ear "We should just leave and go F***. No matter how bad we both are, we can't be as bad as this band." Charm, even off-color charm, can make someone just want to be around you to see what you say or do next.

[quidproquo89]

I'm good at making conversation, eye contact and showing interest and really listening. Making chemistry, sexual tension - is a bit too forward for me.

 

Like making a girl comfortable to make physical contact, make her really want you and making her really laugh

[Mrin]

Man that is a good question. I think there is a distinction between chemistry and sexual attraction. At least for me there is. Chemistry has a magical or other worldly connotation to it. Sexual attraction or simple attraction doesn't. And I actually think that the two can be mutually exclusive. I know I've been attracted to some women with whom I have not had chemistry.

 

So with that being said - I don't think you can create or manufacture chemistry. It is either there or it isn't. That being said - it may not be obvious on the first date whether chemistry is present. The strongest chemistry I have ever felt didnt surface until date #2 and even then I had to kiss her before feeling it. I think all you can do to "create" chemistry is establish conditions where it can be uncovered.

 

Attraction on the other had can certainly be created. It is essentially seduction. And you can create that in your appearance. How you relate to someone. The questions you ask and the stories you tell. The whole ball of wax. And yes, that can lead to uncovering chemistry.

 

Best of luck!

[Assasda]

Yeah you can certainly build attraction.

Asking the right questions.

Playing coy in conversation,

Challenging people

 

Just showing that you have personality builds attraction, with anyone, men or women

[Jules Dash]

You can, but in my experience, if it is not there right away, it feels like work.

[quidproquo89]

I'm a very reserved person, I'm confident. But with new people it always takes me time to adjust to them. Which makes it hard for me to attract to them.

 

Dates in the past, they just like me and that's that. But if they go in as reserved as me I can't feed off of their energy. You know what I mean?

 

It takes me time to get going maybe a couple of dates - like a train leaving the station. I'd hate to think I'd lose women because of this. It seems like that's just me. Perhaps it will change a little as I become even more experienced.

 

Have you ever been on a date with somebody and despite you asking the right questions and being the all round great guy - they seem to have decided early on that they are not bothered. Seems a bit close-minded to agree to a date and then not turn up for it mentally, make sense?

[quidproquo89]

Yeah you can certainly build attraction.

Asking the right questions.

Playing coy in conversation,

Challenging people

 

Just showing that you have personality builds attraction, with anyone, men or women

 

I'm still a little bothered yet not consumed by a date with somebody in which I felt we had so much in common, I asked the right questions and really listened to what she had to say and asked open ended questions. I tried to connect with her and be natural.

 

Yet she didn't seem to turn up at all. It bothers me that you would agree to go on a date with somebody who seems like a great match, and then not really bother once you are there.

 

Unless someone was gross or really unattractive. I'm neither fairly attractive, tall, dark slim, well dressed and groomed. So I don't understand why you'd bother turning up at all if you had no intention of taking it further. Curiosity seems like not enough

[Arieswoman]

IMO, no, sorry.

[quidproquo89]

I think what bothered me about my last date was that we had a lot in common even alike in character and also I did all that I could to make it work and yet I've still been rejected after the first date. It has made me feel like I wasn't my best or could have done more. When in actuality it was all the other person.

 

If someone half good looking takes a lot of interest in getting to know you and listening to all about your interests and hobbies and you reject them after one date. There isn't a whole lot that person can do. But still rejection never feels good.

 

And I know its a natural part of dating

[quidproquo89]

read about a bit and found a set of questions that are meant to be great first date q's - what do you think?

 

1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?

3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?

4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?

5. Favorite movie of all time? Why so?

6. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?

7. What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?

8. Do you have any pet peeves?

9. What was your family like growing up?

10. What were you like as a kid?

11. What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?

12. Did you—or do you—have a nickname? What’s the story behind it?

13. Who was your favorite schoolteacher or college professor? Why?

14. Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?

15. What do you hate most about the dating process? (Tell me so I can avoid it!)

[Got it]

I think what bothered me about my last date was that we had a lot in common even alike in character and also I did all that I could to make it work and yet I've still been rejected after the first date. It has made me feel like I wasn't my best or could have done more. When in actuality it was all the other person.

 

If someone half good looking takes a lot of interest in getting to know you and listening to all about your interests and hobbies and you reject them after one date. There isn't a whole lot that person can do. But still rejection never feels good.

 

And I know its a natural part of dating

 

Maybe it had nothing to do with you. Maybe she is still getting over someone else, maybe she is into someone else that isn't into her, maybe . . . .

 

Maybe you didn't have a fighting chance from the moment you two met. I would just chalk it up as just not being a fit for whatever reason and her loss.

[Mr Scorpio]

read about a bit and found a set of questions that are meant to be great first date q's - what do you think?

 

1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?

3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?

4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?

5. Favorite movie of all time? Why so?

6. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?

7. What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?

8. Do you have any pet peeves?

9. What was your family like growing up?

10. What were you like as a kid?

11. What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?

12. Did you—or do you—have a nickname? What’s the story behind it?

13. Who was your favorite schoolteacher or college professor? Why?

14. Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?

15. What do you hate most about the dating process? (Tell me so I can avoid it!)

 

I would think that I was being interviewed for a job. Then I would start ordering stiff-drinks so that I might be somewhat amused by the situation. But that's just me.

[Maleficent]

An odd thing to ask maybe but if you have a lot in common with somebody and you really like them. Can you create chemistry? By being as charming and funny as possible or telling good stories.

 

I think you are confusing chemistry with attraction.

 

Essentially, I think chemistry in a couple has to be 'created' or at least worked on. Nothing is that easy when you put two people together lol

[MissBee]

I've never tried to create chemistry.

 

It was either there or it wasn't in my experience.

 

I clicked with someone or I didn't and I found that having stuff in common, while it often helped, it wasn't the final say. I have guys with whom I have stuff in common and all we are is friends as we just don't click in a romantic way at all.

 

I've experienced growing to like someone but again, I don't think it was anything they or I did to actively "create" chemistry but rather it happened on its own.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There's chemistry and then there is chemistry.

 

It might be possible to create one but definitely not the other in my humble opinion.

[quidproquo89]

I think the reason I'm posting this thread really is that I have known nothing but failure and I'm looking for some reasoning. Before it was because I was shy and awkward now I'm not I was naively thinking things would just work out but I'm having the same problem of constant rejection and slim pickings for dates. Having said that I've been out on four different girls this last two months - unfortunately none of them have gone further than one meeting

[quidproquo89]

or rather can chemistry be missed out on if one or both of the daters aren't in the right mood or mind set?

[Trane]

Chemistry is overrated as far as I'm concerned.

 

You either like someone or you don't. The chemistry, biology, physics of the relationship comes with time and the desire to want to know more about that person aside from the surface value.

 

Chemistry is for classrooms.

[carhill]

If you find women to generally like you but not want to date you, you're simply unattractive - to them.

 

If you find women to generally not like you, at all, then perhaps a re-evaluation of some essential social skills or personality aspects is in order.

 

IMO, rapport can be created. Sexual attraction, not so much, and that's pretty gender neutral. As with all generalities, there are exceptions; one must decide for themselves whether pursuit of the exceptions is sufficiently valuable.

[2.50 a gallon]

It is all about chemistry! As biological beings, at its most basic simplest level, falling in love is a chemical reaction. They are called love chemicals.

[quidproquo89]

If you find women to generally like you but not want to date you, you're simply unattractive - to them.

 

If you find women to generally not like you, at all, then perhaps a re-evaluation of some essential social skills or personality aspects is in order.

 

IMO, rapport can be created. Sexual attraction, not so much, and that's pretty gender neutral. As with all generalities, there are exceptions; one must decide for themselves whether pursuit of the exceptions is sufficiently valuable.

 

I think there were some hidden insecurities and problems with my last date - where she just couldn't commit to dating. As she said she hadn't been on a date in a year since breaking up with her ex of many years. She said whilst rejecting me that she on some level still felt burned by that. Pfft not much for me to do there. I was just disappointed she wouldn't give it a go. I think ive been unlucky recently matching with people who have their own problems and some who are still attached to their ex's.

 

Not only that but people flake on each other all the time

[carhill]

Aspects of getting to know are a separate issue from rapport and sexual attraction, IMO. IOW, one can be attracted, or attractive, and something about the dynamic other than that basic interest prevents things from moving forward.

 

IME, if one isn't attractive (to the woman, in this case), one never gets to 'yes' for anything remotely resembling a date. You went on a date and issues unrelated to your attractiveness were in play. Stuff happens. I generally refer to this as 'timing'. This happened a fair amount for myself with MW's.

 

If you meet someone and you're thinking, wow she's hot but there's nothing there and why don't I want to grab her up and make two bodies into one, well, that's lack of attraction. You should be attracted, objectively, but the 'stuff' isn't there to drive it, whatever that is. It has nothing to do with her being a good or bad person or how interested she is in you or whatever. There's simply no gut-level 'I want to jump this person' feeling. I learned this from women!, mainly those who became friends and who explained how they judge a man by how he affects them when first meeting him. It made really good sense and was consistent enough to become a general perspective regarding such matters. My own experience with women bore it out. I never ended up dating someone I got to know, rather I got to know someone I was dating; this means the former never felt 'chemistry' over time, regardless of how I felt, over time. We simply missed. Happens.

[acrosstheuniverse]

read about a bit and found a set of questions that are meant to be great first date q's - what do you think?

 

1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?

3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?

4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?

5. Favorite movie of all time? Why so?

6. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?

7. What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?

8. Do you have any pet peeves?

9. What was your family like growing up?

10. What were you like as a kid?

11. What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?

12. Did you—or do you—have a nickname? What’s the story behind it?

13. Who was your favorite schoolteacher or college professor? Why?

14. Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?

15. What do you hate most about the dating process? (Tell me so I can avoid it!)

 

Some of those are great (who's your best friend, what's your goal in life, what's the worst date you've had recently etc.) but some might lead to some pretty intense first date conversations. For example if you asked me who my biggest influence was, what my family was like growing up, either I'd feel forced to lie, or gloss over it so blatantly that you'd know something was missing, or you'd end up hearing some pretty depressing and deep stuff I wouldn't choose to disclose so quickly.

 

It's always good to have a list of things to ask though in case your mind runs dry. Make her feel like your focus is entirely on her. As someone else mentioned, that's an intoxicating feeling. Leave space for her to ask about you too, but if you are genuinely interested in what she has to say and make her feel as though you're really listening then that usually goes down well.