For a Friend: Considering Ending My Marriage, But Don't Want to take the Risk.

[Natsu21]

Thanks guys. I would appreciate some feedback here for my friend.

 

 

She's been married to this man for 13 years. Five years ago she was diagnosed with severe Rheaumatoid Arthritis. She had surgery a while back and was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. Her husband didn't show up during both her surgeries and was found to be sleeping the days away instead of supporting her.

 

I am not the best representative for my friend but I'll do my best. She requested that I post on here. Their intimate life is nonexistent. He has heart problems that pretty much killed his sex drive. She bought toys for them to continue their sex life, but he doesn't even want to get involved with them. He lost his job due to his heart condition but doesn't do anything but sit around, watch TV, eat a lot, and complain about how blacks have taken over the neighborhood.

 

She cooks and cleans for him and their 4 kids while he sits and does nothing. The RA is slowly crippling her. Once, when she was out seeing her father for half an hour and he starts yelling at her to get home because the kids were getting on his nerves and she needs to put them to bed. He also prohibits her from having friends and hanging out outside of the home saying that he should be enough for her.

 

She's torn. She suggested counseling but he refuses.

 

And then there's the kids. Her daughter came to her last night and asked "Why haven't you divorced Daddy yet?"

 

The issue is finances and security. He doesn't work and neither does she, but his side of the family owns a major portion of the land they live on. If she divorces him, she forfeits the inheritance and the children may end up homeless and without an inheritance, and she doesn't want them to struggle. She lives in a small town, just like I do, and as I told you guys before, I'm getting away from here.

 

 

 

I have never been married in my life so I would think you guys would make some suggestions for her.

 

What should she do? Divorce him, or stay with him for the kids security?

[Tayken]

@ OP...what do you mean for the kids security? A lot of us not only left our exes because we were unhappy, but they also made us fight for our child/ren just to get 50-50. Oh by the way...I will do it again if I had to, well worth the fight in the end, to which she caved in.

 

Regardless, the man will have to pay child support, so I don't see why the woman will want to stay with a man that didn't give two hoots when she needed him most????

 

I'll say get the papers in order, and have him served like yesterday. If she puts up with this now, imagine what he will do to her again later on.

[Natsu21]

I don't really know the full details, honestly...

 

But basically, it goes like this.

 

she divorces him, she loses the house, and the kids inheritance. There's a good chance the kids might end up homeless.

 

Since I don't know the full details. Along with other family members with the possibility of being homeless.

 

This is all in my town. She's also slowly becoming crippled.

[Tayken]

I don't really know the full details, honestly...

 

But basically, it goes like this.

 

she divorces him, she loses the house, and the kids inheritance. There's a good chance the kids might end up homeless.

 

Since I don't know the full details. Along with other family members with the possibility of being homeless.

 

This is all in my town. She's also slowly becoming crippled.

 

 

Wrong....she divorces him, the house gets sold and everything else gets divided. Do you actually know how family law and divorce act works?

[Natsu21]

Basically, she's afraid that if she divorces him, he'll throw his family out, including her father that is staying with them, and leave the old man homeless in the middle of nowhere. That is what he threatened, anyway

[Tayken]

Basically, she's afraid that if she divorces him, he'll throw his family out, including her father that is staying with them, and leave the old man homeless in the middle of nowhere. That is what he threatened, anyway

 

 

Wrong....she divorces him, the house gets sold and everything else gets divided. Do you actually know how family law and divorce act works? Oh, and he will probably have to pay alimony indefinitely as well as child support until kids finish high school / 1st post secondary

[Natsu21]

Wrong....she divorces him, the house gets sold and everything else gets divided. Do you actually know how family law and divorce act works?

 

I'm 23 and never been married and have no interest in it.

[Tayken]

I'm 23 and never been married and have no interest in it.

 

So you are hardly in a position to know how things work then? I suggest you indeed do not get married, don't get anyone pregnant or by default establish a common law because it will end up costing you.

 

Check the family laws of the state / country you live in.

[Minnie09]

Wrong....she divorces him, the house gets sold and everything else gets divided. Do you actually know how family law and divorce act works? Oh, and he will probably have to pay alimony indefinitely as well as child support until kids finish high school / 1st post secondary

 

Not necessrily, if the property is not his.

Didn't OP say the property / house in which they live belongs to his family?

Well, then he doesn't own it. He also has no income, if he's unemployed....so no alimony. Maybe a little child support.

 

I'd talk to a lawyer. He sounds like a moron, but if there's no income, he can't pay. Duh. And if there's no property, there's nothing to share either. With 4 kids and given that the OP has no job, either, hmmmmmm........sounds like a problem to me.

[Natsu21]

So you are hardly in a position to know how things work then? I suggest you indeed do not get married, don't get anyone pregnant or by default establish a common law because it will end up costing you.

 

Check the family laws of the state / country you live in.

 

That's great...but I'm 23. I'm trying to get myself established. I didn't know how to help so I wanted to ask you guys for help.

 

That's the whole point.

 

Anyway, right, it's not her land, it's his family's.

 

They're both on SSI.

 

She wanted to hear it from other people. Try not to be so condescending tho, I'm asking for help.

[Natsu21]

All right.

 

Has any woman been in this situation before?

 

Some advice would be appreciated.

[isisisweeping]

I'm seldom in favor of divorce because I am divorced (not my choice) and it sucked. It's horrible. Really. And that's with my ex and I agreeing on everything regarding the split and no fighting. You should try everything first.

 

However, once the kids are asking the parent to get divorced it's worse for them at home than a divorce will be.

 

Doesn't sound like he can contribute much either. There are resources for people like her.

 

I would divorce and move out.

[tpham18nm]

For her daughter to ask her such a thing is already a red flag for a dysfunctional family. I was going to show empathy for the husband. But he doesn't seem like a very good character. I think she should talk to a lawyer. Get full details on what would happen if she got divorced and weigh it against what happens if she stays. Sounds like a hopeless situation.

[salparadise]

if there's no income, he can't pay. Duh. And if there's no property, there's nothing to share either. With 4 kids and given that the OP has no job, either, hmmmmmm........sounds like a problem to me.

 

What I think is amazing is how people just assume that things should always be peachy, and if it's not... the solution is to kick the guy's ass to the curb and take his money. Only this time there is no money, both have serious health issues, and she may not even have access to partial equity in the property. She says she's worried about the kid's inheritance, but the obviously more pressing issue is where will she live and who will give her money.

 

This is not a problem with a good solution. Her choices are stay married and live indoors, or divorce the guy and take her chances on her own. 4 kids... yea, that's complicated. But the last frickin thing she needs to worry about is their inheritance. Food and shelter first.

 

I would also say that the fact that she no longer likes the guy that she married and popped out 4 kids with is somewhere below food and shelter on the list of priorities.

 

People marry arseholes for money all the time. She made the mistake of marrying one without money. Perhaps the universe will grant her a mulligan.

Edited September 22, 2014 by salparadise

[whichwayisup]

Your friend needs to document everything and record his behaviour too. Then she needs to get a lawyer so she can divorce him.

 

It'll be hard for her to be on her own, but she can do this, for her kids sake. Seems even the kids want their parents to divorce! They see what crap is happening and want it to stop.

 

She won't be homeless, he'll have to pay her something especially since his side of the family is loaded, it's doubtful that the grandparents will screw the kids over...

 

Your friend can get a bit of disability income, as well as work part time even though she has health issues.

 

Does your friend have parents or siblings to help out?

[Natsu21]

What I think is amazing is how people just assume that things should always be peachy, and if it's not... the solution is to kick the guy's ass to the curb and take his money. Only this time there is no money, both have serious health issues, and she may not even have access to partial equity in the property. She says she's worried about the kid's inheritance, but the obviously more pressing issue is where will she live and who will give her money.

 

This is not a problem with a good solution. Her choices are stay married and live indoors, or divorce the guy and take her chances on her own. 4 kids... yea, that's complicated. But the last frickin thing she needs to worry about is their inheritance. Food and shelter first.

 

I would also say that the fact that she no longer likes the guy that she married and popped out 4 kids with is somewhere below food and shelter on the list of priorities.

 

People marry arseholes for money all the time. She made the mistake of marrying one without money. Perhaps the universe will grant her a mulligan.

 

Well the thing is, he was working, a very decent job, but lost it due to a heart condition that let him on a pacemaker.

 

Now she and he collect on disability.

 

The situation's tough either way.

[Natsu21]

Your friend needs to document everything and record his behaviour too. Then she needs to get a lawyer so she can divorce him.

 

It'll be hard for her to be on her own, but she can do this, for her kids sake. Seems even the kids want their parents to divorce! They see what crap is happening and want it to stop.

 

She won't be homeless, he'll have to pay her something especially since his side of the family is loaded, it's doubtful that the grandparents will screw the kids over...

 

Your friend can get a bit of disability income, as well as work part time even though she has health issues.

 

Does your friend have parents or siblings to help out?

 

Yep, and it's her husband's father.

 

He's been like a father to her. Whenever something breaks, he fixes it. She has a problem, he takes care of it.

 

He's been there more than her husband has.