[Update- shocking revelation]- Girl wanted to turn yet another boyfriend against me

[Sweeetie]

Hi all,

 

About 5 years ago, I had my first boyfriend. We were both 19. We dated for 2 months and broke up because of incompatibility, his decision. His best friend, a girl, to this day has never had a conversation with me so we don't know each other. I've just seen her from a distance at parties etc. She tried to influence this guy's regard of me a lot during our relationship 5 years ago, and even before it.

 

Before he and I started dating, she was discouraging him from asking me out because she "was certain I would say no", so in the end I was the one who asked him out and we took it from there. During our relationship, she kept telling him it's not a good relationship because "he seemed to care less for me than I cared for him". So I believe that she did have a part to play in the breakage of our relationship. Which is silly considering that we did not even know each other. I assumed that it was a liking for him that generated jealousy in her, causing her to try to rupture our bond using her 'best friend' influence.

 

Let's forward 5 years to the present day. I have still never had a conversation with this girl before. However yet again, for whatever reason, she has been trying to turn my current boyfriend against me. They know each other because they shared the same student halls in first year of university (along with my first boyfriend), 5 years ago but they are not close friends and almost never talk or see each other.

 

I have been dating this guy for 11 months and last month, this girl bumped into him at a reunion. They had not seen each other for ages before that, but through Facebook (he always posts many happy pictures with me) she had got to know that he is with me. And what does she do when she sees him? This is how the conversation went, names are made up.

 

Her: "So you're with Laura now huh?"

 

Him: "Yup "

 

Her: "You know that she was with Paul before right?"

 

Him: "Yes, I know."

 

Her: "I gotta warn you, she is a highly controllive and possessive girlfriend"

 

Him: "Well I haven't seen that, she's not like that"

 

Her: "Let me tell you what happened..."

 

Him: "I'd rather not hear, thanks"

 

He didn't tell me about this conversation until a month later, during an argument I was having with him. He brought it into the conversation as "she was right, you are like that!" It was very disturbing to hear that this girl is yet again sticking her oar into my personal life and trying to break it apart. I really don't know the reasoning behind it, I would understand if we knew each other and she didn't like me or something but as I have said we have never had one conversation before. I was also not controlling at all with my first boyfriend, he was my first and I let him do whatever he liked without trying to influence anything- he even had his own house party on the day of my birthday and I didn't complain against it. I tried explaining all this to my boyfriend but he said he "doesn't know what to believe". He has only known me for 1 year and so he doesn't know my history and the fact that this girl and I don't know each other.

 

And worse still, during every argument we have had since the day she told him this about me, he has repeated her words when insulting me, labelling me as "controlling and possessive". He had never used these words on me before. We broke up 2 weeks ago over this and other false assumptions he has about me. Every time I have tried to reach out to him he is still calling me controlling and possessive and even sending me webpage articles that describe what a controlling person is like, which doesn't fit me. He has known me for a year and got so easily swayed by this girl's assumption about me that I don't want to be with him anymore. I decided not to question this girl about her actions since I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that me and him had spent time speaking about what she had told him, that what she tried to do, cause tension in the relationship, did happen.

 

I wanted to ask members on here what is the best step? Should I talk to her, or to my first boyfriend (they are still best friends), or not at all? I just feel so annoyed that the girl who took my first boyfriend away has also destroyed my current relationship and I want to do something about it.

 

Thanks

Edited August 17, 2014 by Sweeetie

[cassie803]

You should either try talking to her (politely, you don't want to add fuel to whatever fire she's apparently got burning already...) to find out what her deal is, or try to find a boyfriend that doesn't know her at all, not even in passing.

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't do anything. Talking to her is playing into her game. At best she's going to deny it but then she will repeat the encounter & you will come off a crazy and controlling in her retelling.

 

I don't know why she does this but she does.

 

I had a "friend" in my early 20s who loved to steal other girl's BF. She never wanted a guy unless she could take him away from another girl. Then after she had sex with him, she didn't want him any more. She never stole one of my BFs but I would rarely bring them around. If I did, on the car ride up, I would tell them about her M.O. When she's start to chat them up they would end the conversation quickly.

 

The fact that both of these guys broke up with you by taking her word over yours -- their GF -- tells me there is something wrong with them.

 

Going forward, I'd date outside your present circle. Within the 1st few days of meeting a new guy ask if he knows this woman. If he does, pump him for info about her but don't date him.

[spiderowl]

If your recent boyfriend listened to her and took it seriously and left you, it is either because you are controlling and possessive or because he hasn't got the intelligence to see through a stupid, interfering girl. I can understand why you would be angry to have this girl apparently stepping in again.

 

The problem is, why did your guy listen to her and not you? When you and he were angry with each other, what was it about exactly, if you had to pin down the issue? I can see that this comment from this girl was dragged out but maybe things were going wrong anyway and he just used this as an excuse?

 

I can't imagine that any sane, sensible guy would give up on his girlfriend of 11 months unless he was already not happy with her, or he or she changed in some way which impacted the relationship, or unless he was starting to look elsewhere anyway. Like you, we are missing some key information here.

 

I would suggest not contacting and not trying to make it up with him. Let him miss you. If he has left because of some stupid rumour this woman is spreading, then he is not worth your efforts. Apart from which, if you are chasing him, he is the one who has the power. Take control yourself and leave him! Ignore him, refuse to respond to him if he tries, show him you do not appreciate his immaturity and will refuse him any attention at all. He may not return, he may not care, but why should you dignify him with attention now?

 

I hope you find some answers here but there is no point asking him. People use excuses rather than real reasons a lot of the time. It's easier than saying 'I just don't feel the same any more', or 'I felt attracted to this new woman at work and suddenly didn't want to be attached any more'.

 

Sorry, I realise how hurt you must be. Ignore the stupid woman. She won't be able to affect a true bond, only a weak one.

[Els]

She didn't 'take' your boyfriend away. I'm not defending what she's doing, because it's awful, but it isn't like your boyfriend is some innocent naive helpless soul falling victim to her. Based on your previous posts, he was never truly committed anyway. Your R has had a myriad of problems that would still be present even if this girl weren't there.

 

Why are you struggling so hard to hold on to this guy???? Sometimes it is much wiser to cut our losses.

[Sweeetie]

Thanks for your input guys. Yes it was quite disturbing to hear about what had happened. But the positive thing is that when she did have this conversation with him, it was a whole (happy) month before he brought it up during a fight. This must mean that he didn't believe it at the time but that I might have acted similar to what she described in that month? He also says that it wasn't her who made him decide not to be with me, he realised I was like this even before she said anything...ah I don't know.

 

And yes the fact that he is bringing up what she said and doesn't believe that I have never spoken to this girl before, shows that this past year of getting to know me wasn't that real

[LilySandrine]

What I would do is what men would do: I would go to her, ask what is her f****g problem and beat her up to knock some sense into her. Maybe it would stop her from poking her nose into other people's business.

[preraph]

You need to completely block her so she can't ever see what you're doing or who you're doing and interfere. She is no friend. I wouldn't even waste time talking to her. She'll twist anything you say and use it to get close to some man you know. I've been there. Get rid of her entirely!! Block where she can't see your social media, etc.

[Sweeetie]

What I would do is what men would do: I would go to her, ask what is her f****g problem and beat her up to knock some sense into her. Maybe it would stop her from poking her nose into other people's business.

 

This is the thing; if I do talk to her, she will get satisfaction to know that she achieved her purpose of causing tension between me and my boyfriend. She will know that he and I have talked about what she said and that is has not gone down well, leading to me approaching her. That is exactly what she wanted, and I don't want to give it to her.

[Sweeetie]

You need to completely block her so she can't ever see what you're doing or who you're doing and interfere. She is no friend. I wouldn't even waste time talking to her. She'll twist anything you say and use it to get close to some man you know. I've been there. Get rid of her entirely!! Block where she can't see your social media, etc.

 

Oh yes, I blocked her as soon as I heard about this. Me and her haven't even been Facebook friends for years, since my first relationship 5 years ago where she showed me I shouldn't have her on there.

[Quiet Storm]

She doesn't have the power to brainwash them. Her opinion of you can only influence them if they allow it to.

 

The guy in each scenario decides what value her opinion has. So if they believe her they are either 1) not good partners because they are weak, easily influenced and have no faith in your relationship or 2) see some truth in her assessment based on their experiences with you.

[O'Malley]

For your own peace of mind, end contact with your ex boyfriend. He knew you for nearly a year, enough time to gain impressions of your character, and his comments and attitude are nasty and unnecessary. It's doubtful he was influenced by her words, more likely that he became aware that her hostility towards you still has enough effect on you that he used it to gain the upper hand in disputes.

 

It really isn't relevant why this woman is hostile towards you, whether she acts like a queen bee with male acquaintances or is envious of you in some manner. Trying to engage with her directly will just make her act that much more spiteful and silly. Start dating men who aren't connected to her social circle and more importantly, have healthier, stronger boundaries about their relationships and relying on their own perceptions.

[Sweeetie]

She doesn't have the power to brainwash them. Her opinion of you can only influence them if they allow it to.

 

The guy in each scenario decides what value her opinion has. So if they believe her they are either 1) not good partners because they are weak, easily influenced and have no faith in your relationship or 2) see some truth in her assessment based on their experiences with you.

 

For your own peace of mind, end contact with your ex boyfriend. He knew you for nearly a year, enough time to gain impressions of your character, and his comments and attitude are nasty and unnecessary. It's doubtful he was influenced by her words, more likely that he became aware that her hostility towards you still has enough effect on you that he used it to gain the upper hand in disputes.

 

It really isn't relevant why this woman is hostile towards you, whether she acts like a queen bee with male acquaintances or is envious of you in some manner. Trying to engage with her directly will just make her act that much more spiteful and silly. Start dating men who aren't connected to her social circle and more importantly, have healthier, stronger boundaries about their relationships and relying on their own perceptions.

 

Very good posts, thanks for this guys. It makes complete sense.

[Sweeetie]

Hey guys,

 

I'm writing on here again because I can't seem to shake off the anger from this situation and I really want to do something about it. Just the injustice of it all- this girl who I don't even know tried to turn my boyfriend of 11 months against me by her verdict of a 2-month relationship I had 5 years ago?

 

Me and him have so many happy pictures together before she had this conversation with him and now he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he keeps repeating what she told him to me by way of insult. He also says to me "I wonder why so many people hate you?" Because a couple of his friends also don't like me.

 

I can't help but think that if this girl had not been on the scene we would still be together. I am so tempted to write to her asking her why she would do this or what she has against me, but I know that this will only give her sadistic pleasure. I have never even had a conversation with this girl before, I have done absolutely nothing to her.

 

What should I do

Edited August 25, 2014 by Sweeetie

[missfelinefury0076]

She sounds like the kind of person who needs to validate herself at another persons expense.Second, your boyfriend needs to learn how to think for himself instead of believing everything he is told-especially by this conniving snake.

 

I personally would avoid as much as I can

[missfelinefury0076]

Honestly, I wouldn't waste my energy on trying to figure this girl out.It's pretty obvious she's threatened by you,because she puts a lot of energy into you.

 

How do you know this girl?? Do you work with her or attend school together?? Is there a way to limit your interaction with this person??

Hey guys,

 

I'm writing on here again because I can't seem to shake off the anger from this situation and I really want to do something about it. Just the injustice of it all- this girl who I don't even know tried to turn my boyfriend of 11 months against me by her verdict of a 2-month relationship I had 5 years ago?

 

Me and him have so many happy pictures together before she had this conversation with him and now he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he keeps repeating what she told him to me by way of insult. He also says to me "I wonder why so many people hate you?" Because a couple of his friends also don't like me.

 

I can't help but think that if this girl had not been on the scene we would still be together. I am so tempted to write to her asking her why she would do this or what she has against me, but I know that this will only give her sadistic pleasure. I have never even had a conversation with this girl before, I have done absolutely nothing to her.

 

What should I do

[Sweeetie]

Honestly, I wouldn't waste my energy on trying to figure this girl out.It's pretty obvious she's threatened by you,because she puts a lot of energy into you.

 

How do you know this girl?? Do you work with her or attend school together?? Is there a way to limit your interaction with this person??

 

I don't even know her; I have seen her from a distance at parties because she was my first boyfriend's best friend (I dated him 5 years ago for just 2 months and then we never spoke again lol).

 

So is the general consensus here that I should definitely not talk to this girl? I have stopped wanting my recent ex back now but I still have some anger towards this girl for interfering into a happy relationship and want to do something about it. I have done absolutely nothing to her ever despite her messing up my first relationship 5 years ago; as I mentioned, to this day I haven't had one conversation with her. I am thinking of talking to a friend of hers who is also a friend of mine but we haven't spoken in a few months.

 

I know that it won't achieve any purpose, but I will have an 'outlet' for the anger that I hold for this at present.

Edited September 2, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Sweeetie]

I recently discovered that the version of events that my ex had me believe for the last few weeks was false. He confessed the truth to me. What actually happened when this girl had that conversation with him, was that he told her he agreed, that I am like that but that "it's ok". When she then wanted to tell him more, he stopped her because his birthday was coming up soon and he didn't want to hear bad things about me then.

 

Of course I was livid when I found out that my ex had lied to me about that conversation, but I feel more comfortable now knowing that this girl didn't play a big part in changing his attitude towards me; he already felt this way before she told him this and he said she had "nothing to do with him feeling that way about me". The disloyalty he showed me with the way he spoke to her about me, has completely put me off. Now I can finally move on, knowing he is no longer worth my thoughts.

[preraph]

You need to take steps to keep her from finding out who you're dating, whatever that means, severing ties with mutual friends of hers who are enabling her to do this or whatever.

[GorillaTheater]

I recently discovered that the version of events that my ex had me believe for the last few weeks was false. He confessed the truth to me. What actually happened when this girl had that conversation with him, was that he told her he agreed, that I am like that but that "it's ok". When she then wanted to tell him more, he stopped her because his birthday was coming up soon and he didn't want to hear bad things about me then.

 

Of course I was livid when I found out that my ex had lied to me about that conversation, but I feel more comfortable now knowing that this girl didn't play a big part in changing his attitude towards me; he already felt this way before she told him this and he said she had "nothing to do with him feeling that way about me". The disloyalty he showed me with the way he spoke to her about me, has completely put me off. Now I can finally move on, knowing he is no longer worth my thoughts.

 

You know, you might benefit from taking a hard look at yourself to determine whether there was any truth to the accusations, and if so, spending some time figuring out whether that's the person you want to be and what you want to change.

 

It can be painful and hard, but very worthwhile.

[SpiralOut]

She hates you because she sees something of herself in you. SHE is controlling and possessive. Nobody can see that because she puts the focus on you, riling them up and distracting them from what she herself is doing. I wonder how many other relationships she has interfered with. I bet you're not the only one.

 

 

I think you should ask yourself if anything they have said is true. People can get to us when they see a weakness we don't see and they use it against us. When we acknowledge our own weaknesses, others can't use it against us so easily.

[StanMusial]

You know, you might benefit from taking a hard look at yourself to determine whether there was any truth to the accusations, and if so, spending some time figuring out whether that's the person you want to be and what you want to change.

 

It can be painful and hard, but very worthwhile.

 

Yeah we only ever get one side of the story on LS.

 

Just the fact that OP is wallowing in high school drama is evidence enough.