Have you ever been apathetic in a relationship and regretted it?

[Zapbasket]

This primarily is a question for guys, but if you are a woman who relates to it, your response is welcome.

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were apathetic? For instance, you weren't sure of your own life direction but rather than really try things out and pursue things, you just kind-of coasted? And in your relationship, maybe your partner was urging you to engage in a discussion about the future and make some plans together, but you just kind-of brushed them off? Or maybe you just stayed non-committal about everything, even though the relationship went on for years? Or you made promises--e.g., "Yes, I'll move with you to _____ in October"--that on some level, you knew you wouldn't end up keeping?

 

I know the common wisdom is that if someone acts like this in a relationship, it's because he or she us just coasting until someone s/he REALLY wants to be with comes along. I have no doubt that many or even most times, that is true. But it also seems possible that sometimes people are apathetic because they don't know what they want and so they don't take a firm stand for or against anything, and it's not really about the person they're with so much as it's about where they are in their life--or maybe it's characterological.

 

The experience of being with such a person is a constant feeling that you never know where you stand, and you never know where the person "is." What does he want? Where is he emotionally / spiritually / intellectually? Who is he? Where is he headed? Everything seems very amorphous. As I told my ex after several years and much frustration, "It feels like you're a lily pad floating out in the middle of a still lake of nowhere."

 

If you can relate to being or having been such a person in a relationship, why were you that way? Did you ever regret it later? Did you ever, if you regretted it, go back to the person you treated that way and explain yourself, or apologize, or try to rekindle the relationship?

 

I've posted this in the "breakups" section because it's asking people to look back over relationships that ended and analyze their behavior. Also because these questions are things a lot of recently-broken-up-with people are struggling with.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can't say that I've ever been apathetic or at least not for very long. I mean, I have at times "coasted" at certain points in my life because I was at a crossroad or just mentally and emotionally exhausted but again, it wasn't for a long enough period to warrant any worries.

 

If anything, I may be too self-aware and driven and always looking for how to improve myself, my relationships and just my life over all. It's both a blessing but also a curse by the way.

 

Having said that I have been with men who were apathetic including and especially my ex husband. It is indeed challenging to be in a relationship when two people are so opposite on this spectrum. I felt like I was always working overtime to get him to engage and take action, like I was always trying to light a match under his ass. And not just about us but with his career and other things in his life.

 

I can't speak for the other men but with regards to my ex, he was indeed very remorseful for having been so apathetic and that he didn't try harder to save our marriage...but only AFTER our divorce!

 

I suppose that was better late than never

[Zapbasket]

I can't say that I've ever been apathetic or at least not for very long. I mean, I have at times "coasted" at certain points in my life because I was at a crossroad or just mentally and emotionally exhausted but again, it wasn't for a long enough period to warrant any worries.

 

I've definitely done this, too...just not with a relationship.

 

If anything, I may be too self-aware and driven and always looking for how to improve myself, my relationships and just my life over all. It's both a blessing but also a curse by the way.

 

It occurred to me after I created this thread that the kind of apathetic people I'm targeting likely aren't using a site like LoveShack

 

Having said that I have been with men who were apathetic including and especially my ex husband. It is indeed challenging to be in a relationship when two people are so opposite on this spectrum. I felt like I was always working overtime to get him to engage and take action, like I was always trying to light a match under his ass. And not just about us but with his career and other things in his life.

 

I identify with this very well. It's exhausting, and since we broke up where HE finalized it, I feel really cheated and hurt, that he didn't make more effort...and that nearly a year later he is not contacting me expressing remorse or a desire for reconciliation.

 

I can't speak for the other men but with regards to my ex, he was indeed very remorseful for having been so apathetic and that he didn't try harder to save our marriage...but only AFTER our divorce!

 

I suppose that was better late than never

 

So here's the golden question: did he ACT on this expressed remorse? Or was his remorse apathetic, that of someone throwing up his hands after all has been said and done?

[acrosstheuniverse]

My ex of four years was largely apathetic for most of our time together, looking back. He didn't want to move in together until four years, he only wanted to sleep over with me once or twice maximum per week, on a weekend he'd like me to go home around noon so he could play video games. I was 18-22 so it's not something I'd tolerate now I'm 26. I eventually left him when someone else came along and showed me more undivided attention and passion, I didn't leave for the other man and I to begin a relationship but I realised if I was THAT excited about the prospect of even just spending time with this other guy then my relationship was dead in the water. My ex was absolutely devastated and spent weeks begging me to get back with him (we had recently finally moved in together) promising me anything I wanted.

 

I really did love that man, I would have happily spent the rest of my life with him I think, if he had shown me as much love and care in return. I never felt any regret in leaving because it was the right thing to do and I know what I don't want in a relationship anymore. He swore he realised he'd taken me for granted at times. It's all useless in retrospect though. He said he would never take any girlfriend for granted again.

[man_in_the_box]

After the first year of my (current) relationship things turned stale slowly. Over the course of time the whole thing became a giant drag for which we are both to blame. For some reason it never ended although in the final months of that period I had the idea a breakup was imminent and could be any moment. I don't know why but somehow we got out it, redesigned our relationship and are on a good track for several years now.

 

I still regret that apathy though - it was completely pointless. I just didn't have the courage to do something about it. In hindsight I know I should've undertaken action even if it would've led to a breakup. Carrying on something that doesn't work seems like a definite loss.