ggas Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hey LS, Last time I was here I was going through a bad break up. Got over that (partly thanks to LS), I met my girlfriend a few months after and long story short we hit it off. About 2 weeks ago we came back from an amazing holiday together. After that she had to go to her highschool reunion. When she came back I noticed she was a bit agitated and slightly distant. I asked if everything is OK and she told me that she just needs sometime to readjust and that being home was very emotional since her grandma is sick and she met with her highschool friends and most of them are now married and have kids and so on and so forth (btw she is 28 I'm 26). Anyway we went out to dinner and she told me about one of her exs that she mentioned before although when she first mentioned him she said it was not something significant. Now she told me that in fact he was a big part of her life and that she was still thinking of him right before we hooked up and she was on the brink of depression. Somehow their relationship didn't work cause now they live in different countries and somehow have very different lives. Anyway I was quite shocked but didn't make too much of it. A week later we went for lunch together and somehow the conversation ended up in talking about why she was distant to me when she came back. She said it was because I was too nice and she thought I was trying to "compensate" whatever that means although at the time I didn't know anything about this ex. I have to mention that in the beginning of the relationship she said I was kind of an alpha male because I was very self confident with her and just minding my own business. That is true given my past but now I'm nicer than usual because I trust her more and I thought we loved each other so there's no power game to be played here. Anyway she also mentioned that she met her ex and it had some emotional weight but nothing happened and that she thinks that the guy is now frustrated. I didn't ask about what they talked. I was in any case very pissed by this whole thing. First of all, "compensating"? Really? I thought there's no power games to be played when you claim you love someone! You don't need to readjust with loved ones. And secondly, meeting with her ex and telling me just now? Next day I found out (and I wished I wouldn't) that she texted him right before going to the reunion she wrote to him something like happy birthday and I'm thinking about you. To which the guy replied that he is happy to hear that and that he is going to wait for her. She said that she is happy about that although she is sure her heart "will beat harder than usual". They didn't message afterwards but still, I was completely shocked and disappointed. I don't know how to react now or if I should react at all? Last few days I was kind of... out of it. I think she noticed because there was almost no cudling, no "I love you"s no nothing. She asked me twice if everything is OK and I blamed my mood on the weather but that won't keep. I just don't know what to make of it... Am I exagerating here? Am I wrong to feel like this? I mean, I can choose to just ignore this whole thing and act like nothing happened but then I feel like there's something more to this and that ignorance is not the answer. We are about to move in together (her idea)... I really don't know what to do say here so any advice is appreciated as always. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hey LS, Last time I was here I was going through a bad break up. Got over that (partly thanks to LS), I met my girlfriend a few months after and long story short we hit it off. About 2 weeks ago we came back from an amazing holiday together. After that she had to go to her highschool reunion. When she came back I noticed she was a bit agitated and slightly distant. I asked if everything is OK and she told me that she just needs sometime to readjust and that being home was very emotional since her grandma is sick and she met with her highschool friends and most of them are now married and have kids and so on and so forth (btw she is 28 I'm 26). Anyway we went out to dinner and she told me about one of her exs that she mentioned before although when she first mentioned him she said it was not something significant. Now she told me that in fact he was a big part of her life and that she was still thinking of him right before we hooked up and she was on the brink of depression. Somehow their relationship didn't work cause now they live in different countries and somehow have very different lives. Anyway I was quite shocked but didn't make too much of it. A week later we went for lunch together and somehow the conversation ended up in talking about why she was distant to me when she came back. She said it was because I was too nice and she thought I was trying to "compensate" whatever that means although at the time I didn't know anything about this ex. I have to mention that in the beginning of the relationship she said I was kind of an alpha male because I was very self confident with her and just minding my own business. That is true given my past but now I'm nicer than usual because I trust her more and I thought we loved each other so there's no power game to be played here. Anyway she also mentioned that she met her ex and it had some emotional weight but nothing happened and that she thinks that the guy is now frustrated. I didn't ask about what they talked. I was in any case very pissed by this whole thing. First of all, "compensating"? Really? I thought there's no power games to be played when you claim you love someone! You don't need to readjust with loved ones. And secondly, meeting with her ex and telling me just now? Next day I found out (and I wished I wouldn't) that she texted him right before going to the reunion she wrote to him something like happy birthday and I'm thinking about you. To which the guy replied that he is happy to hear that and that he is going to wait for her. She said that she is happy about that although she is sure her heart "will beat harder than usual".Massive, huge, flapping red flag... They didn't message afterwards but still, I was completely shocked and disappointed. I don't know how to react now or if I should react at all? Last few days I was kind of... out of it. I think she noticed because there was almost no cudling, no "I love you"s no nothing. She asked me twice if everything is OK and I blamed my mood on the weather but that won't keep. I just don't know what to make of it... Am I exagerating here? Am I wrong to feel like this? I mean, I can choose to just ignore this whole thing and act like nothing happened but then I feel like there's something more to this and that ignorance is not the answer. We are about to move in together (her idea)... I really don't know what to do say here so any advice is appreciated as always. Big mistake. If you have something to say, say it, or else deal with it. Not a good idea to hide emotions and feelings. What happened to the 'Alpha Male' in you? You tell her she needs to cut off contact. His overtures make you nervous, and her heart beating faster' response is totally inappropriate and inconsiderate. So she should choose. Resume things with him? ("Because if that's what you want, just go, don't let me make your heart beat slower!") Or stay, make it work here, but cut off all contact? That's it, one or the other.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ggas Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think you're right. I will bring it up this evening. I initialy thought it would be a sign of weakness but given that we are about to move in together which is like a huge relationship move, I would rather be honest about my feelings and see if this has any future or not. If she sees this as a sign of weakness then I guess we have to break up anyway. I don't want to be with someone that plays games of power with me while claiming to love me. I want to be a choice not just a proximity bf (which means a bf just because I'm there). I don't want to blow this out of proportions either so I hope this is going to be a smooth honest conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think you're right. I will bring it up this evening. I initialy thought it would be a sign of weakness but given that we are about to move in together which is like a huge relationship move, I would rather be honest about my feelings and see if this has any future or not. If she sees this as a sign of weakness then I guess we have to break up anyway. I don't want to be with someone that plays games of power with me while claiming to love me. I want to be a choice not just a proximity bf (which means a bf just because I'm there). I don't want to blow this out of proportions either so I hope this is going to be a smooth honest conversation. If she still has feelings for this guy it won't be smooth but it's best to clear the air. If she gets angry about it then it's best to end it and move on. Usually when something like this comes up with women they still have strong feelings for the person. She lack maturity because she should have never been with you if she still felt that way or even put you in a bad position like you are now. I guess that's the nature of some women when they are fully guided by emotions they have the potential to never be loyal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yeah, she's definitely not over him. I'd personally start to detach from her if I were you, sorry. :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ggas Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 So I brought it up last night and she was shocked as in completely shocked. When I asked about her ex she didn't say anything just shook her head like it was nothing. She tried to avoid the conversation, she got high, she wanted to be overly nice and cudly with me (maybe I should've said the same thing she told me once "are you nice cause you're losing the higher ground?" --- yeah she told me that a week ago). This morning she wanted to have sex, I wasn't in the mood. She said she's sorry for making me worry (wtf?) and that we will finish the conversation tonight. I think it's clear to me now judging from the things she said to him "my heart will beat faster" "I was a bit agitated that you didn't write to me" "we have a psychique connection" and from the way she acted last night that she is not over him. I think I should end it tonight after the conversation she promised we're going to finish. I wish it wouldn't come to this, I feel like I was a bit naive. Given my past experiences I should've known better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 You think you 'should' end it tonight? I'm of the opinion you should text her and tell her to not bother about thinking of 'finishing the conversation tonight' because you two are finished already. Full stop end of story. Tell her to come home and expect to start dividing up belongings (obviously I don't know your living arrangements, but don't give her any more room for manoeuvre. She really doesn't deserve it). She's been so shady, half-way and circumspect with you, that the best thing you could do is to paint it in clear-cut black and white for her. And tell her THIS is how it should be done. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. This. Is. Not. YOUR. Fault. At all. You love the woman for goodness sake. She's let you down big time. Please, for the sake of your own dignity, just cut this off and end it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 You think you 'should' end it tonight? I'm of the opinion you should text her and tell her to not bother about thinking of 'finishing the conversation tonight' because you two are finished already. Full stop end of story. Tell her to come home and expect to start dividing up belongings (obviously I don't know your living arrangements, but don't give her any more room for manoeuvre. She really doesn't deserve it). She's been so shady, half-way and circumspect with you, that the best thing you could do is to paint it in clear-cut black and white for her. And tell her THIS is how it should be done. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. This. Is. Not. YOUR. Fault. At all. You love the woman for goodness sake. She's let you down big time. Please, for the sake of your own dignity, just cut this off and end it. 100% agree with this. She realized you checked on her BS so show her the door. Link to post Share on other sites
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