Ex boyfriend from 23 years ago!!!!

[blon_dee]

Hello all!!! Thought I'd pop back here! It's been 6 years!!!! (Of which I've been pretty much single/divorced) by choice, got so sick of being screwed around- and I've honestly never been happier!!!! Too busy with my child of 11 anyway to get involved with anyone.... Anyways, so here goes..... (sorry this is a bit of a long winded story!!!!)

 

23 years ago I dated a guy, things were great but about 3 mths in he went to live and work overseas (already organised before we met)

His whole family loved me, and still to this day I have a friendship with his parents- they came to my engagement party and wedding 15 years ago etc, haven't seen them much the last 10 years but still kept in touch, Xmas card every year etc.....

So he got back from overseas at the end of 1991, and to be honest I can't really remember what happened, but he ended up meeting someone else , who he went on to marry. His family were devastated as they loved me so much.

Anyway, time went on, I got married, had a baby, my ex husband left when she was a baby, decided he wasn't cut out for fatherhood after 5 years of marriage blah blah, that was almost 10 years ago.

A few months ago, this ex boyfriend friended me on Facebook and we chatted a bit here and there, nothing too serious- as he still married.

That was until we randomly bumped into each other (he was with his wife and children)

I couldn't believe how much he had changed- from a good looking really outgoing guy to almost a shell of his former self, miserable looking, wouldn't make eye contact, it was weird!!! His wife is a big loud mouth, dominating horrible woman, figure she's just beaten him down over the years...

 

Cut to later that day, he starts messaging me how great it was to see me, how gorgeous I still was blah blah--- this goes on for about the last 6 weeks, we were chatting all the time, even getting a bit flirty although I would never go there, even though I can't stand his wife, he's still a married man...

Then I get a message out of the blue- he's split up with her!!

He asks for my number, asks me out almost straight away (I was away at the time for 3 weeks, so we had quite a flirty few weeks of text messaging)

I got home on Sunday just gone, he begged me to come over, said it was hell at home, the wife was a total bitch and giving him a hard time, calling him names etc (NB- he told me SHE was the one who called it off!! I think he was so beaten down, even though desperately unhappy, he wouldn't have left her)

 

So, he asked could he come and stay with me for a few days.

Being the too kind person I am, I said be could.

Immediate sparks, we went out for lunch, had a few drinks, talked for hours and hours. He believed it was fate we caught up again, said he has always known he married the wrong girl blah blah....

Anyway, we ended up sleeping together and he stayed a few days and it's been fantastic!!!

He asked what I wanted from this relationship- and I said at this stage we should keep it quiet as I don't need a psycho ex wife on my case, and really it's too sudden for him just out of a 20 year marriage.

He said how about we keep it casual and quiet, until the dust settles, and if we still feel the same in a few months, we go ahead and establish a proper relationship- in the meantime still see each other, exclusively, he said he didn't want to see anyone else. He took me around with him looking at places for him to move to and put a few applications in for a unit to rent close to where I live, also not too far from where his children are.

(NOTE- he is still living in the house with the wife and kids but she has told him to find a place and move out)

He says he's been emotionally out of his marriage for years and all he feels is relief.

Would love to hear some thoughts on my story. My friends are a bit concerned that I'm a rebound thing, but I don't think so...

Sorry my story soooo long!!!!!!

[TXGuy]

This isn't the focus of what you are looking for, but your boyfriend should get the custody situation with his kids legally locked before he moves out of the marital home. Otherwise, he will be stuck with every other weekend forever.

 

I don't think it is a good idea to get involved with this guy at this point. But if you are going to, keeping it quiet is the way to go.

[pteromom]

You are definitely a rebound thing, if not a full-on affair (do you know for SURE they have split up and he is moving out, or is this just what he's told you?)

 

Let's assume for a minute that everything he has told you is 100% true. His wife is horrible and mean. He's been beaten down. He's been checked out of his marriage for years. He was terribly unhappy in his marriage. And now he's leaving and wants to be exclusive with you.

 

So there are a few points to consider...

 

1 - a marriage doesn't get horrible because of one person. You don't know what he did to cause her to be mean to him. Certainly she wasn't that way when they were dating, or he wouldn't have married her. So I would proceed VERY cautiously due to that alone. But there's more...

 

2 - leaving a bad marriage has a PTSD effect. You have to recalibrate yourself to normal. When you leave, you have all these triggers based on whatever the issues were in your marriage. You leave your dark cocoon and it takes some time to get used to being in the light again. You don't TRUST the light, having been in the darkness for so long.

 

3 - what he is feeling for you is wrapped up in a bunch of different OTHER things. He remembers your relationship from your young, carefree days. He is getting out of a bad marriage and feels the exhilaration of freedom. And the good sex and butterfly feelings of a new relationship are making this seem much more powerful than it actually might be.

 

4 - when he crawls back out of your bed, his real life is still going to be waiting. Even if he proceeds with divorce, he's going to be going through the divorce, dividing assets, dealing with custody and child support. And if his wife really is a witch, all that is going to be much worse than average.

 

So... I am not saying you shouldn't date him. I actually have friends who have reconnected with high school and college sweethearts and ended up very happily married. But I am saying that you can't trust the feelings you (or especially HE) is having right now, and that he isn't ready to jump back into an exclusive relationship.

 

You need to go VERY slowly. Be a friend to him. Don't have any expectations of him - but do expect a very rocky road. And know that he may be clinging to you due to his marriage ending, but may decide to go back to her, or that he wants to be single for a while.

 

And again, unless you have PROOF that he is divorcing, don't believe it. You don't know what kind of man he has become, and it is possible that he's become a liar and master manipulator.

[blon_dee]

Thanks guys...

Of course I can't be 100% but I'm 99% sure he is not a liar. He's the same nice guy he always was, and as our families still to this day have contact with each other (my parents are good friends with his) I do know for a fact his wife is a bit of a witch, they have never really liked her.

I do believe everything he has said to me.

I do get the point though, I will take it as it comes I think an it get too wrapped up in it.

I also know about the rocky road ahead- I've been through this myself- funnily enough my ex husband left what he perceived to be an unhappy marriage on his part - straight into a relationship with another woman who he is still with 10 years on and we have a child together. ( they are still not married)

 

Part of me isn't convinced yet that I'm even considering this to be a long term thing, and I've been through lots of heartache over the years, so I am VERY conscious of what's going on around me, and I know there's no guarantees , but I don't believe he will go back to her. I believe this has been coming for many years.

It is possible we were meant to be really isn't it??? (Don't worry I'm not deluded about that - but it is a possibility right????

 

He says this break up would have happened whether we had reconnected or not, but he feels I've made him feel good about himself again, and realised life is too short to not be happy. He also said he had no plans of "hooking up" me again, but it just felt right . Although he also admits it feels a bit sudden.

[blon_dee]

As an addit- he works away, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off

[pteromom]

Part of me isn't convinced yet that I'm even considering this to be a long term thing

 

I wouldn't be considering that yet. Take it day by day, enjoy it, and drop any expectations of what it may become.

 

It is possible we were meant to be really isn't it??? (Don't worry I'm not deluded about that - but it is a possibility right????

 

I am not a big believer in "meant to be" relationships, but it is possible that you've reconnected with someone you could build a successful long-term relationship with. It's too early to say. I would try not to romanticize it. Hanging onto some "meant to me" dream may blind you to red flags you would otherwise see. Keep your head about you.

 

he feels I've made him feel good about himself again, and realised life is too short to not be happy.

 

Right - and you may end up as a special person who helped release him into a new happier life. That life may or may not be with you.

 

He also said he had no plans of "hooking up" me again, but it just felt right . Although he also admits it feels a bit sudden.

 

Keep your head and heart balanced, and take it one day at a time.

[No Limit]

His flirting for weeks prior to the breakup was an attempt to start an emotional affair. I too doubt he'll go back to her if she really is that household-witch you've written about, but that doesn't mean his intentions about you aren't truthful or just 'came from the moment'.

 

It isn't some divine "meant to be" thing either, if he sent you a Facebook request etc he was looking for you. Guess he didn't have the courage to end his marriage alone.

 

Just be on your guard.

[GoBlue]

It may or may not be a rebound thing but it certainly is cheating. How can this possibly be a positive no matter how you feel about his wife - whether those feelings are valid or invalid?

[beach]

You've agreed to be his OW.

 

I can't see how that going to be good for you.

 

IF he gets his divorce FINALIZED - then discuss dating.

 

You've involved yourself in another marriage. You can change that. Tell him no more contact until his M has completely ended. And suggest he get counseling - he's going to need support.

[rhubarb]

I'm sure you are feeling happy and excited right now, but please be careful. Rekindling a relationship with someone from your past can prematurely create a false sense of knowing them fully.

 

 

My own experiences of rekindling old flames is not very similar, as it was with someone with commitment issues and I knew it would not lead to anything serious, but nonetheless I enjoyed the sexual and mental connection - which I don't think ever dies.

 

 

However, my mum has been in a similar position to you. They were together as teenagers, originally splitting up because of university. They started talking about 30 years later when my parents' marriage was already on the rocks. It was odd seeing my mum acting as a smitten teenager, that's for sure. I was aware he had had multiple affairs and doubted his genuineness but seeing my mum so happy, I eventually supported her decision. After a few months, they moved in together. It was all hunky dory ... until he decided to go back to his wife, the reason given was that his (adopted) kids were so distraught by his leaving. Whether this was the real reason I can never be sure of, but I do know that two years later, he is now living with another woman whom he also started by having an affair with whilst living with his wife, much like with my mum. I will not judge him or his situation, as I do not know the details, but I do know that I wouldn't want to be part of such a complicated and volatile situation.

 

 

What I can take from this is that you must proceed with caution. As others have suggested, he may be looking for an escape from his troubled marriage. Be sure you really know him and do not allow your shared past fool you.

 

 

Best of wishes!

Edited July 24, 2014 by rhubarb
wrong pronoun

[StumpyNB]

I for one don't consider it cheating if a divorce is pending, and everyone knows it. Divorce can drag out for YEARS (mind did). Its not cheating if they are no longer together, and have no intention of getting back together.

 

That said, you certainly are a rebound thing. The real question is, is that okay? Sometimes rebound things work out. A lot of times they don't. Sometimes rebound things get called off, and people regret that they didn't follow thru with them. At the end of the day, is everyone enjoying themselves? Is anyone getting hurt? Just go with the flow.

[blon_dee]

Hi all... Appreciate everyone's words of wisdom....

However I can't help but follow my heart at the moment....

We went on another date last night and it was wonderful.

He really opened up a lot, and knowing the man he is, I do tend to believe everything he says. A lot more info came out when I pressed him for it- says for years his parents hassled him a lot saying he married the wrong girl and he said he always knew it but felt pressured into marrying her by her father who is apparently a very strong personality. No excuse there, he didn't have to I guess.

I believe he jasnt been happy for most of their marriage but she has been so dominating and controlling, she's simply sucked the life out of him. He tells me he 100% is out of his marriage, and moving out when he gets back from his next stint away from work (2 weeks)

We had a really intense , intimate, tender and passionate night- not just physically but emotionally as well. It truly feels right

Having said that I know if it were to work out it will be a long and hard road as he goes through a divorce... Guess I just have to be patient and see what happens..... He admitted again last night despite his feelings he truly had no intent on hooking up with me at this point, said "it wasn't meant to happen yet" but I guess you can't really go backwards....

Scares me how quickly we seem to be falling for each other though.....

Thanks for all your opinions, greatly appreciated!!!! X

[blon_dee]

ADDIT SHE called the end of the marriage too, not him. I don't believe he had the guts to do it due to his fragile state..... And he tells me he has never once cheated on her in 22 years., in any way shape or form.

[blon_dee]

ADDIT SHE called the end of the marriage too, not him. I don't believe he had the guts to do it due to his fragile state..... And he tells me he has never once cheated on her in 22 years., in any way shape or form.

He also said again last night he really feels it is his fate to be with me.

And I don't believe it is cheating, although we were chatting for a few months, there was never an intention to meet until they called it off. I've been cheated on, I would never knowingly do that!!!

[No Limit]

I've been cheated on, I would never knowingly do that!!!

 

The beauty of denial... then again, you "only" took part in an emotional thing, and considering that their marriage might truly have been dead for decades there weren't many emotions left to betray.

I guess that guy is just lucky enough he isn't ending up alone and miserable after divorce despite having no brains to take care of himself.

[blon_dee]

Ouch! Don't believe that was called for!

[Absinthe]

When you're on the inside looking out, it's very easy to feel that your situation is special, unique

 

But from the outside looking in, I am seeing a lot of tired old excuses.

 

"I married the wrong person", "my wife doesn't understand me".

 

Sometimes these are genuine but more often than not they are tired old cliches. I've also little time for people who make lifelong commitments to people they know they shouldn't be. Weak-minded much?

 

You should tread carefully. The ultimate display of his intentions will be being with you. If he's doing anything other than that, don't go reading into it, just get outta there.

[beach]

ADDIT SHE called the end of the marriage too, not him. I don't believe he had the guts to do it due to his fragile state..... And he tells me he has never once cheated on her in 22 years., in any way shape or form.

He also said again last night he really feels it is his fate to be with me.

And I don't believe it is cheating, although we were chatting for a few months, there was never an intention to meet until they called it off. I've been cheated on, I would never knowingly do that!!!

 

He's STILL married. And yes you were flirting too while he lived with her.

 

That's cheating. He knows it - you know it. And now really involved in his crap storm yet he's STILL actually married.

 

Yet you see she ended it. He's weak and not honest.

 

None of those are qualities i would find admirable in any man.

 

He has no integrity.

[StumpyNB]

Forgetting about the original poster for a second... So is a guy who is going thru a divorce suppose to remain single and chaste, even though his marriage is over, until the divorce is finalized? Otherwise he is cheating?

 

This does of course assume he is telling OP the truth, but still... that's a bit harsh isn't it?

[beach]

Forgetting about the original poster for a second... So is a guy who is going thru a divorce suppose to remain single and chaste, even though his marriage is over, until the divorce is finalized? Otherwise he is cheating?

 

This does of course assume he is telling OP the truth, but still... that's a bit harsh isn't it?

 

It's not harsh when many people start dating someone who is separated - get all connected with them - then the separated person goes back to the marriage.

 

It causes hurt feelings. There are so many people in the world who are single - why not CHOOSE the single people?

 

When men that are separated ask me out - I tell them yes, sure = when your divorce is final we can go out.

 

Proper order helps.

[Standard-Fare]

There's a lot of Debbie Downers commenting on this thread.

 

Blon_dee, to me it sounds cool that you've reconnected with this love of your past, and it sounds like you're both genuinely excited about it. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

Of course there's many factors to watch out for here, but hopefully you two can be level-headed. I mean, you both have kids, you've both lost a marriage... you're both adults with experience and a past. There's no need to dive recklessly into some all-consuming thing or long-term commitment.

 

Take a breezy attitude toward it. Just enjoy each other's company.

 

Question, for the sheer sake of curiosity: You said you don't remember much about how you two parted ways 20+ years ago. That stuck out to me. Was it a mutual dissolution? Do you remember being torn up, heartbroken, etc? Have you thought of him much over or regretted that breakup over the last many years?