if my girlfriend is insecure?

[andreap]

We have been dating for a year an a half. During the first 12 months we had a lot of sex. However, later, I decided to stop having sex. I needed to be clear that she was the woman to spend my entire life with (divorce is not an option for me). After 8 months of no sex I can say that I am in love with her and want to marry her. I even wanted to have sex with her again a couple of weeks ago. Before having it though, she came to talk to me about how she felt that I was not in love with her. That maybe I liked her a lot, but I am not in love. How she sees that I am not as horny as her when we are together. That she feels bad how she can corrupt me (I am older than her by the way). That she feels like she cant live to my expectations. That she feels bad about feeling that way. I told her I loved her. an I am sure about that. I told her that I do want to have sex again, because I love her. However, I am worried that SEX is going to be the reason why she is secure again about our relationship, when it should not be! Our love should be enough, and sex should be the cherry on the cake, not the other way around.Thinking about the topic a little bit more, I think she is only insecure. She loves me, but she is insecure.

[I am Bud]

Dear andreap

 

You should advise your girlfriend that physical compatability plays just one part in a relationship. The other part that is equally and perhaps more important is mental compatability. To judge a relationship on just the physical part and to define 'being in love with someone' as a measure of how horny they are in bed is a bit over the top.

 

Truth of the matter is that you both enjoy each other intimatelly so you can tick that checkbox. In regards to mental compatability she should ask herself, do I like spending time with this guy? how does he make me feel? does he respect me? does he treat me well? do we have great conversations together? does he make me laugh? can I trust him and does he trust me? are we honest to each other when we talk? is he supportive of what I want to do? do I feel happy in his company? etc

 

If she is able to give you a green tick on all of these items and you can equally tick these from your list then the relationship has the foundation for a deep love to develop. You will have both physical and mental compatability and these are great ingredients to have in any successful relationship.

 

All the best - Bud.

[almond]

I don't think she is insecure...I think you are.

 

You have sex for an entire year...then you decide to stop? Why? Because you are afraid that she only wants you for sex? This is insecurity.

 

If my boyfriend decided to stop having sex with me for EIGHT MONTHS, I would be incredibly concerned. It is understandable that she feels unwanted, undesirable and perhaps unloved.

 

Cutting healthy sexual contact for eight months as some sort of test of her love seems pretty twisted to me. I can't believe she has stuck around to be honest.

 

Doesn't sound like she is the problem here...

[Emilia]

However, I am worried that SEX is going to be the reason why she is secure again about our relationship, when it should not be! Our love should be enough, and sex should be the cherry on the cake, not the other way around.Thinking about the topic a little bit more, I think she is only insecure. She loves me, but she is insecure.

I would dump someone like you, I wouldn't be compatible with you. I can see that your confusion over sex would potentially lead to a sexless marriage with you. I think you need to work out what it is in your past that makes you view sex in such a negative way as opposed to the expression of intimacy and love in a serious relationship.

 

You are lucky that she is with you after 8 months of no sex, personally I would have walked after 2 weeks of your witholding your affection from me on purpose.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not sure why she stuck around for the 8 months. Lots & lots of sex, then nothing. Of course I would conclude that the guy is no longer into me & I would not want a LTR or especially a marriage where such an important component -- physical intimacy -- is arbitrarily withheld from me & I have no choice in the matter.

 

Your little 8 month experiment back fired.

 

Going forward in your next relationship now that you have effectively killed this one -- hold off on having sex for at least the 1st 8 months if you are determined to based on something other than physical intimacy rather then starting then withdrawing.

[Damaged217]

I agree that you are the cause of her insecurity and she has a right to her feelings. Did you explain to her that you wanted to stop having sex for a while or did you just start witholding it out of nowhere? Sure, some people confuse sex for love, but it took you EIGHT months without it (after already dating her for 1.5 years) to figure out that you love her? Something is off here.

[bubbaganoosh]

This is like reading a book by starting in the middle rather then the beginning.

 

You just go cold turkey on the sex and yeah, the questions are going to be brought up.

 

For the first year you went gang busters with the sex and now it stops would give anyone reason to think that something her ain't exactly right.

 

If everything was fine before, it seems to me that now your looking for a problem. Well now you found it so you better deal with it or your going to lose big time.

[Gaeta]

Our love should be enough, and sex should be the cherry on the cake, not the other way around.

 

Love is never enough.

 

Sex is not a cherry on the cake, sex is the glue that hold the relationship together.

 

I don't know how old you are to have such a limited understanding of sex, intimacy and relationships.

 

Withholding sex is considered emotional cruelty.

 

You are darn lucky she is still by your side. I would have been gone a long time ago.