My Girlfriends past make me depressed.

[sanydpp]

Me and my girlfriend had a wonderful 1 year distant relationship in which we were together every weekends.

 

Its been now 6 months we moved in together into a rented apartment and one day while clearing the store i noticed a old box which contained some diaries and this were the journals of my girlfriend in which she wrote about her past.I read them and came to know that she slept with almost 50 men between the age of 16 till 34 and some of them were affairs with married men or colleagues and only few of them were real long relationship between 6months to 1year.

I asked her once about her past and she told me that honestly she only slept with 8 men but now i see this is not true.

 

What bothered me is once she was in a relationship for 2 months with a young guy who was 18 and she 30 and after breakup she entered into few another relationship and then again when she was single she met this young guy and slept for few days only for fun.The second incident which bothers me is she slept with a man who is husband of one of her friend who is not sexually good in bed so she wanted to spice up their relationship and make him happy.

I read all her experiences written by her own hand in her journal and i am now heart broken to know her past.

 

I talked with her and she cried and she desperately loves me and said its her past and in present she never betrayed me and she wants to spend rest of her life with me.

 

I am totally confused if i should trust her as looking at her past history in which she slept with men at age between 18-55yrs which really bothers me and i don't know if i should really trust her or leave her.

[AnneT1985]

I am sorry to hear your experience.

 

 

First of all- I don't think you should have read her private diaries. But you did. So moving forward you have to make a decision based on the fact you did. We all have a past and it's not necessarily indicative of the present or future but it certainly is a factor you need to consider. Be true to yourself and follow your intuitions on this one- and I wish you the best of luck.

[regine_phalange]

Im not sure what kind of relationship you have.

 

But a very good friend of mine is in the same situation (in a LDR also). She is in your girlfriend's position. She hasn't had such an intense bachelor past because she is younger than your girlfriend. But her boyfriend really makes her suffer because of how she used to sleep with many men for his criteria. And the poor girl isn't doing anything wrong to break his trust. She is overly careful with who or where she goes out (she avoids places where she can be hit on), she always tells him her whereabouts. He is shaming her too much and has ruined her with his jealousy and direspect. She is trying to breakup with him, but then she always takes him back.

 

Bottom line; if you really can't accept the fact, then let her go. It's not your fault feeling this way, but it's not her fault either.

[BHsigh]

Her sexual past is her sexual past, who cares if she slept with 2 guys or 50 guys, and whether they were 18 or 55, it's no big deal, she should have been up front with you, but this is a minor thing here.

 

The only thing that would concern me would be that she slept with married men, I would leave her in a heartbeat over that, whether I found out early on or when I was walking down the isle.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well most people try to blame their past on things like being young, naive, carefree and all of that kind of thing, but if she's been keeping this up until 34, well...she's going to have a tough time kicking dirt over that to make it go away because there's a history and a pattern, and really no "valid" excuses in an attempt to minimize her behavior as per usual conduct of person trying to back-pedal out of a bad situation or reputation. I mean the writing is on the wall...the woman is promiscuous and doesn't have the highest standards in the world, so what do you think/feel about it?

 

I mean you looked in her journal man, what did you expect would be in there? innocent love stories? did you have some reason to suspect she's a bit wild in her past that made you want to look through that? are you being insecure and paranoid about whether she'd cheat on you or not?

 

Maybe you just had an opportunity and took it but probably not...you talked about her past with her, she chose to answer and she lied to you to misrepresent herself, and now she's going to hope you look past that because of how you feel now, it's a pretty common tactic in dating, very few want a relationship birthed from transparency and honesty, they simply just want the bad stuff in their past to go away and be forgotten and simply start anew with every new relationship or whenever they deem so, like a priest blessing a man with forgiveness and *poof*, well it's gone now!.

 

Of course she's going to cry and do whatever she can not to lose you on top of it, that's pretty much what you should expect...the whole "spending the rest of her life with you" I don't know, still pretty early on in this relationship and that could just be desperation, she might be a self-destructive woman that actually feeds off this kind of drama and need for validation, this could trigger a whole chain of events you aren't even aware of, because she's now in "I've got to keep him" mode, so she'll do or say anything to avoid that abandonment. Telling her you know this information has changed the whole dynamic, and that can trigger her into old habits.

 

But you have to be a pretty nice and understanding guy to just feel simply "confused", you didn't even express much of your own personal feelings which makes me wonder how sure of yourself you are, but maybe you're just in a bit of shock, but still.

 

You've got to think through this and determine whether she's still right for you, in light of the lies and misrepresentation of herself, at this point it is only prudent to believe that she could very well lied about other things, doing otherwise would be naive...but at the same time, sounds like you found the gold mine to her past, which honestly is probably not something anyone should ever have the knowledge of in a relationship, I think we're better off without the details personally, but you just etched vivid images in your mind that you can't unsee or unread, so your actions may have already set in motion a completely different course...granted, any woman in your shoes would have read it.

 

You now know more than what is good for you, but now you also know the truth in the "kind of person" you are with, maybe you were "destined" to read it...after all, people believe in destiny. So maybe you were destined to find this out, and realize that she wasn't the "quality" woman you thought she was, not for just the sleeping around necessarily (that varies a bit man to man) but the infidelity she participated in and near child molestation at 30 years old. It's up to you and how you choose to see it, to me, I'd bet my left nut she's got some serious issues. After all she's been with men for a very short time, and never really had a relationship outside the honeymoon phase.

 

So what say you? are you her knight in shining armor to save her from all the "bad" men she chose to sleep with and take "advantage" of her? will you coddle her with tears of remorse and place forgiveness upon her and continue? Or will you simply boot her into the trash bin and let someone else recycle it?

 

If you're primarily concerned whether she'd cheat on you, I wouldn't necessarily say so.

[ThatMan]

I would hope that you can look beyond a woman's past...

 

So this is what I pieced together of the present from your own message:

Misrepresenting herself is not a very kind or considerate act.

 

There are other women out there who respect themselves, feel confident and secure in their own decisions, and respect you enough to be candid. Not to mention that you shouldn't have to tolerate poor behavior from anyone. If a person is demonstrability capable of sleeping with married men then they have a poor value system.

[Frank2thepoint]

I agree with what Ninjainpajamas said. But to boot, and give a contradicting opinion from the majority of posters, this girl isn't someone I'd trust. She lied about her past, she slept with married men, and she has been doing this for quite some time during her adult life. She wasn't being coerced, she chose all these experiences herself. There is a pattern in her sexual history, and when some like her has been indulging the same pattern for so long, it is very difficult to break away from it. Basically, it's familiar territory, her comfort zone.

 

Her crying and desperately trying to convey her love is nothing but manipulative from my point of view. You've discovered something big about her and she was hoping you'd be blind to it completely. She wanted to keep fooling you. Now granted, maybe her current behavior during the weekends you two saw each other were probably very endearing, romantic, reinforcing that she is a sweet girl, but now you don't know what she was doing the other five days of the week, back at her own hometown, even during the course of your one year relationship. I believe it was fortuitous for you find this diary and learn what you are getting yourself into.

[d0nnivain]

You should not have read her diaries. they are personal. If I were her, I'd break up with you for invading my privacy like that.

 

 

However, you now know she is a liar who doesn't respect friendships or marital vows. You can't unring a bell.

 

 

If you can't put her past in the past & only evaluate her on the things she has done while dating you, break up with her. She doesn't deserve to be persecuted by you during your relationship for things she can't change.

[dragon_fly_7]

The fact that she helped destroy marriages and relationships is a red flag to me. I wouldn't want someone that was the OM either.

 

And, yes a man sleeping with 50 women in his past would disgust me too. That tells me those, that number is more than likely obtained through ONS and flings. There is no way someone can have 50 long-term relationships in only 18 years. For argument's sake, even if he could that still tells me he's super unstable. Why the need to keep changing partners in such a short time? Why are all the girls breaking up with you, etc??

 

I hate the idea that we now have to compromise and settle for less than what we're all seeking for in a long-term partner, most important someone we're compatible with.

Edited April 24, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[d0nnivain]

I hate the idea that we now have to compromise and settle for less than what we're all seeking for in a long-term partner, most important someone we're compatible with.

 

 

You don't have to settle. But if you do stay with someone who's past bothers you, then you have to accept that past. If you can't accept it, you should break up with the person rather than compromise your values or hold it over their head forever.

[dragon_fly_7]

You don't have to settle. But if you do stay with someone who's past bothers you, then you have to accept that past. If you can't accept it, you should break up with the person rather than compromise your values or hold it over their head forever.

True but I've heard of some people staying in unstable relationships and with partners that don't share their same values. This can sometimes create arguments due to so much difference but some don't break up because they don't want to start all over and therefore, keep compromising.

 

I would definitely break up but some people still stay in those situations. Even when my parents sometimes argue, is because of differences in other areas. The more differences, the more arguments, misunderstandings and compromising of values.

[clia]

How old are these diaries?

[oldshirt]

This is why we date. We date to get to know people and learn if their values and mores and lifestyles are compatible with ours so we can determine if we want to make a commitment and a life with them or not. If this gals lifestyle and values and morals are different from yours, then that is just cause to not continue the relationship.

 

The fact that she intentionally mislead you and misrepresented herself and outright lied about her lifestyle is also just grounds for not continuing the relationship.

 

You haven't given us much info on your values and mores and future aspirations. If you value serious, long term relationships with the future goal of having a traditional monogamous marriage and children, then this gal clearly is not a wise choice for that. If at 34 her longest relationship is a year then she just simply isn't cut out for LTR s and has no experience in them.

 

What she does has experience in is having the fun and initial rush of a different lover in bed every few months. She is experienced in either getting dumped after few months (which is a warning sign) or she gets bored and restless after a few months and she finds someone new to bang. Either way she's not relationship material because she really doesn't do relationships.

 

If you yourself are a player and only enjoy being with a woman for a few months for the fun and sex untill you get bored and antsy, then there's nothing wrong with enjoying her company and having some laughs with her for awhile until one or the other of you finds someone else and moves on.

[oldshirt]

Her sexual past is her sexual past, who cares if she slept with 2 guys or 50 guys, and whether they were 18 or 55, it's no big deal, she should have been up front with you, but this is a minor thing here.

 

.

 

 

No, it's a major thing that she was intentionally portraying herself as something she is not.

 

If she had come out and said she has a carefree and casual lifestyle and enjoys a variety of sex partners and a wide variety of sexual situations and doesn't buy off on the whole concept of confining sexuality within the context of serious relationships then that is all on the up and up and the OP can make an informed decision on whether his lifestyle and goals and values etc match up well enough with hers.

 

But she didn't do that at all. She intentionally and with forethought deceived him into thinking that her lifestyle and her sexual values and practices were completely different from what they really were.

 

There's really no way to justify, excuse or reconcile this. She set out to mislead and deceive him. She likely knew that eventually the charade would fall apart, but her hopes are that he would love her enough by the time he learns the truth that he would suck it up and keep her around in spite of her betrayal. I guess we'll see what he decides to do.

[Under The Radar]

you don't have to settle. But if you do stay with someone who's past bothers you, then you have to accept that past. If you can't accept it, you should break up with the person rather than compromise your values or hold it over their head forever.

 

 

 

 

 

^^^^^this^^^^^

[BHsigh]

No, it's a major thing that she was intentionally portraying herself as something she is not.

 

If she had come out and said she has a carefree and casual lifestyle and enjoys a variety of sex partners and a wide variety of sexual situations and doesn't buy off on the whole concept of confining sexuality within the context of serious relationships then that is all on the up and up and the OP can make an informed decision on whether his lifestyle and goals and values etc match up well enough with hers.

 

But she didn't do that at all. She intentionally and with forethought deceived him into thinking that her lifestyle and her sexual values and practices were completely different from what they really were.

 

There's really no way to justify, excuse or reconcile this. She set out to mislead and deceive him. She likely knew that eventually the charade would fall apart, but her hopes are that he would love her enough by the time he learns the truth that he would suck it up and keep her around in spite of her betrayal. I guess we'll see what he decides to do.

 

True, you do have a point, I think that I just downplayed that part in my mind because of the fact that she was sleeping with married men as well.

 

Thanks for pointing that out.

[janedoe67]

There are really two things at play here:

 

She has a much more promiscuous past than you thought

 

She lied

 

As to the first, that is something only you can know about with regard to your comfort level with that. I have made some horrible choices and would hope it didn't completely disqualify me from a relationship. HOWEVER, I believe firmly that each of us have a right to have the standards that WE choose. If it is important to you that your SO not have a wild past and lots of partners. there is nothing wrong with that. This is YOUR life. If you can leave the past in the past, that's great too. But be very sure of which it is.

 

The lying....I get why she lied. But this is another example of why lying is such a prison. Once she told that lie, it becomes a part of the relationship. And there was always a possibility that it would come to light. Should you have read her diaries? Part of me says no and part of me says it shouldn't matter. I am going with the latter in this case because reading them would not have been so traumatic IF SHE HADN'T LIED.

 

I know you aren't married, but f the two of you are considering this a life relationship, I'd try counseling.

[Frank2thepoint]

You should not have read her diaries. they are personal. If I were her, I'd break up with you for invading my privacy like that.

 

Interesting. If you were her, with the same sexual history of sleeping with married men, and sowing lies, by breaking up with him you'd make the decision for the OP really easy, thus denying you the chance to continue manipulating and lying to him.

[Eggplant]

The second incident which bothers me is she slept with a man who is husband of one of her friend who is not sexually good in bed so she wanted to spice up their relationship and make him happy.

You barely know her. If I were you, I'd run now, get out of this relationship before you have kids. This kind of behavior is at the very best extremely reckless. She puts her needs and impulses before those of other people.

 

 

(She's also not a very bright liar -- how could she write this all down in a journal?)

[joystickd]

I say dump her but not because of her past but the fact she lied about it. My thing is if you hide or lie about something what else will you lie about. One of the biggest problems with dating/relationships is that when certain things come up we kind of do the thinking for the other person. Well I gotta say this because they will judge me, I need to do this or they will dump me, or I need to say I'm this or she will dump me. You never know what that person is thinking until you say or do it. If a person has to resort to that then they never respected that person. She never respected you. If she did then she would have been honest from the start. People are accepting of things, but they have to be given a chance to. Is it really true love if you have to portray a certain image to be with someone? No that is desperation. Love is acceptance and if you as a woman feel someone won't accept you then move on.