Am I being out of order?

[spirius]

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend and in general, we are very happy.

 

We argued last night and I'm feeling a bit shaken up about it. I'm not sure whether I'm being reasonable or not.

 

We had a disagreement about an ex of hers who is still a friend. I've said I'm okay (as much as you can be) with that, as long as he isn't acting disrespectfully - that I think she needs to draw a line in the sand if he starts acting that way again. He invited her over this week because his parents are out and he has a free house. The guy openly admits he still wants her and makes little comments, which she knocks down.

 

I trust her, but it makes me uncomfortable. Something akin to it not being pleasant to sitting in a bullet proof car while someone shoots at you even if you know you're okay.

 

She basically told her friend about the situation and the upshot is that her friend who has not met me yet has labelled me as controlling and thinks the situation is weird. I don't think asking the guy to behave his really asking too much.

 

So I'm narked that they don't seem to understand why it bothers me...I feel it is disrespectful and unsettling.

 

I'm also narked that our private business being shared has led to a friend drawing that conclusion, obviously based on what she has been told.

 

She says its normal to talk to girl friends about problems, but why would anyone want their friends thinking **** about her BF?

 

Makes me feel a little betrayed that she put that out there about me.

 

Once again, there is no trust issue here. She's a beautiful person and I trust her implicitly.

[ASG]

I don't think you're out of order, per se. You're entitled to feel uncomfortable. But you also trust her.

Maybe ask to meet this guy? I don't know, I don't have any good advice to give you.

 

I will, though, let you in on a little "secret". Girl talk a lot about their relationships with their girl friends. A LOT! Good AND bad. To be honest, mostly bad, because no one really wants to hear you gushing about how awesome your BF is, ad nauseum, but if you're bitching, then we're there!

And it's not that the friend necessarily thinks badly of you, but what she's heard the most is probably about the things that upset your girlfriend.

[salparadise]

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. You didn't say how old you are but these behaviors that your girlfriend is exhibiting seem awfully sophomoric. You do have a right to privacy. Once she tells her girlfriend about a spat or whatever, it will be repeated and become common knowledge. What ASG said is true.

 

As for the ex boyfriend, your girlfriend is not setting ANY boundaries and it has the potential to turn into a mess. She should not be going to his house when he's there alone. He would like nothing more than to undermine your relationship and she knows it. She knows it bothers you a lot and she's doing it anyway because she enjoys the attention, likes making you jealous, gets a thrill out of instigating drama that's all about her. You may have decided that she's one-hundred percent trustworthy, but she sure isn't behaving that way. Girlfriend spending time alone with their ex's is always bad news, and this guy doesn't even try to disguise his intentions. He's going to put the moves one her––simple as that.

 

What can you do? There are only two things, and one of them has already proven ineffective... tell her how you feel and ask her to show some respect. The other is to protect yourself and your feelings appropriately. If she is as attached to you as you seem to be to her, then understanding the implications of treating you like a door matt will matter to her. If not, then it's probably not the kind of relationships you thought it was.

[lsuser]

Your girlfriend is the problem here.

 

 

Even if she absolutely 100% has no interest in her ex, romantically or sexually, she is tacitly encouraging him to keep trying.

 

 

Maybe she gets an ego boost out of his continued interest, or maybe she likes creating a little bit of drama in her relationship with you, or maybe she just has a sadistic streak and like to mess with both of you.

 

 

DTMFA.