on loneliness

[CurlyIam]

How do you deal with disappointment? The disapointment of seeing that not only is it not working, but... he's weak? He's letting you down?

 

How do you forgive? How do you move on? Do you move on? When do you know you should stop trying?

 

We are all alone out here, aren't we?

 

 

Today I found myself writing a few emails to my friends on the Shack, when I was down. Not my real friends... lots of reasons, I guess. But still, it's nice to know I do have someone to lean on... I think that thanks to LS I learnt to cope better with loneliness.

 

What strange creatures we are, us, the LoveShack-ers !!! Anyway, I guess this is my way of saying: Thank you LS ! And thanks to all people who act and live in LS's spirit...

[Craig]

Curly I am, you couldn't just ask something simple like "what is the meaning of life" or "why are we here" could you?

 

How do you deal with disappointment?

 

1. Focusing your thoughts on something that calms you and relaxes you.

2. Realize that things might seem better tomorrow, so take care of yourself today.

3. Talk about your feelings with a good friend or write a letter to yourself.

4. Ask yourself if this is going to really matter 5 or 10 years from now.

5. What can you learn from this? How can you do better next time or avoid a similar situation?

6. The most succesful people are the ones that have the most failures. The difference between a failure and a success is that the successful person looks at failure as a learning experience on the journey of success (not “to success”)

 

How do you deal with the disappointment of seeing that not only is it not working but he is weak and letting you down?

 

1. Your disappointment is caused by your expectations of him. You became involved with him, and you made the best decisions you could at the time given all the information you had but things aren’t turning out the way you expected. It happens to a lot of people so you aren’t alone.

2. Accept what is instead of thinking about what could be if only he was different.

3. Change your expectations of him and your experience of him will change and you may feel better too (that doesn’t mean you will want to stay with him).

 

How do you forgive?

 

Some people can forgive anyone for anything but I have a tough time forgiving someone for things like a premeditated act that is intended to cause permanent injury and so on. For myself, forgiveness is the process of releasing myself from the prison of negative emotions that I associate with an event or person. That doesn’t mean that I will forget or that I will trust them again just that I’m not going to have the memory of a particular incident have a negative influence on my life. What that translates into in practice is often a sense of feeling sorry for the person and disliking the behavior in question.

 

How do you move on?

 

Moving on can mean that you have come to accept what is and know that even though you would have preferred things to be different they just aren’t.

 

Lets say that you are in a committed relationship and you think you know your SO. One day your SO does something that is unexpected but what they did is a good thing. You, thinking good things about your SO, adjust what you think you know about them, to accommodate this new behavior.

 

On the other hand what if your SO does something very negative that causes you emotional pain but you have invested so much into what so far has been a great relationship. So you feel emotional pain as you try to accommodate the new negative behavior into your positive image of your SO.

 

But you can’t integrate the negative behavior into the positive image of your SO and you still feel pain. Once you can accept that your SO is not the person you thought they were and that your investment in the relationship is not going to return good emotional dividends you can move on with less pain.

 

When do you know you should stop trying?

 

You’ll know when you stop.

 

We are all alone out here, aren’t we?

 

Isn’t it possible that when people who feel all alone share their feelings with each other, they don’t feel so all alone.

 

Experiencing “alone” is very subjective and personal. Sometimes we can feel alone amongst our friends and other times we can experience a deep sense of connection to people without anyone around us. So is “alone” more of a state of mind than a simple fact?

[moimeme]

Craig - what a great post!

 

If I may, I hope you'll forgive a small added note. To your:

 

Some people can forgive anyone for anything but I have a tough time forgiving someone for things like a premeditated act that is intended to cause permanent injury

 

I'd like to add that one must be absolutely sure that what one thinks has been a premeditated act was actually such a thing. Too often, I think, people leap to the conclusion that someone intended them harm when some other reason entirely lay behind their actions. You cause yourself and others grief if you assume the worst. Not saying you do, Craig - your statement just reminded me of one of my soapbox issues

 

Sometimes we can feel alone amongst our friends and other times we can experience a deep sense of connection to people without anyone around us

 

Absolutely!

[Thinkalot]

Top advice from Craig and merry there Curly! Glad you find some support and solace here...I know I always do, that's why I come here when I have an issue which needs sorting out...or I just need reinforcement!

 

Smiles your way.

[CurlyIam]

Thanks a lot for everything, guys! Today I got up early in the mornin, washed my faced and started my life all over again. I am not afraid of new beginnings. It simply is harder sometimes .

 

But I meant it - the loneliness part. Whether we realise it or not, we all are alone out here and most of the things we do are selfish. Are simply for us. Which is not a bad thing, really. I mean: Think! When was the last time you did something for someone else in the real life? Something absolutely altruistic. Then think of when somebody did something altruistic for you. With not one string attached. I bet it isn't every day, is it?

 

 

This is why I love LS. Beside the laughter and the flirting and the joys of diversity. People do help eachother and most of the time they do it unconditionally. It is happening here daily.

 

As for disapointment, forgiveness and rest of them lot, I'll do what Scarllet O'Hara did: "I'll think about that tomorrow".

 

Again, thanks a lot folks ! All of you.

 

Curly

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

But I meant it - the loneliness part. Whether we realise it or not, we all are alone out here and most of the things we do are selfish. Are simply for us. Which is not a bad thing, really. I mean: Think! When was the last time you did something for someone else in the real life? Something absolutely altruistic. Then think of when somebody did something altruistic for you. With not one string attached. I bet it isn't every day, is it?

 

Random acts of kindness and Simple acts of beauty

 

I really do try to practice this everyday- and I truly believe others do to. What you are speaking of Curly is not the Lonliness of the human creature- but the selfishness.

 

Take heart love- we're not all that way. Personally - I am opinionated, outspoken and stubborn - but I really do try to devote those traits to the greater good.

 

Keep fighting the good fights! I believe romance is a war that can be won-even if you have to lose a few battles along the way.

 

There is nothing wrong w/being alone- but don't close your eyes to the possibility of love just yet. You are young- statistics for finding another partner are on your side.

 

As for when to give up on this one- Only you can decide- So this wasn't the match for you- take a day - regroup- and look towards the next mission.

 

When that time comes- Craig's advice was very wise- but it's up to you to decide when and if you apply it.

[meanon]

I think you may be feeling a little more lonely than usual because you are confused about your relationship, how much it's him and how much you. You said you were probably looking for reassurance in your other thread last night but you didn't really get it, we weren't sure either! That's bound to make you feel lonely.

 

Your last post on that thread was interesting:

 

Turn into a hedgehog everytime I am afraid or feel unsecure instead of have faith, communicate and be patient

 

I get a strong sense that you are afraid your current relationship will go the same way as your last. If so the past is affecting the present and will affect the future until you deal with it. That will help ease the confusion and the loneliness.

 

Life is what you make it, Curly. You are an interesting person and I'm sure you are loved by friends and family. You can turn to others, feel the warmth of human connection and feel loved or you can try and cope alone and feel lonely. The contact with net friends has helped, turn to your IRL ones too.

 

On expectations and disappointment: it's a question of balance. If something is make or break (rather than nice to have) then you need to set out your expectations clearly. Then back off and let them get on with it, they know the score and day to day wrangling is counterproductive. If in time they can not give you something which to you is essential in a relationship, that's when to call it quits. You also need to invest in a relationship if you expect to withdraw from it. Giving is just as important as receiving.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better, Curly.