Two year relationship losing the spark?

[Zara92]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, we've had ups and downs but we always manage to get through it and stick with each other. We were both college students when we started dating but ever since he graduated and got a full time job half a year ago, we hardly get to see each other (about once or twice a week just for a few hours), and honestly I constantly feel unsatisfied with our relationship, as though it has lost the spark and neither of us can do anything to rekindle it, due to the little time we spend together.

 

He is quite an unromantic person and I feel like he lacks passion for anything. For example when I ask questions such as 'what's your favourite...' I would always get a plain and boring 'I don't know', 'they're all the same' or something like that. I feel it's difficult to make conversation and most of the time we end up having shallow, meaningless conversations with him making sexual jokes or comments about us. I just feel bored and no longer feel that 'connection' with him that I imagine couples should have. Nowadays when we are together we both seem bored as it's always the same routine - eating out somewhere, going out to the same places, and having shallow conversations mainly 'how was your week' etc. He hardly says anything romantic and doesn't like showing affections in public (I understand that is just the ways he is), but it makes me feel unloved and I just want something more, even a simple 'I love you' or 'I miss you' which he only says once in a blue moon. We recently went on a short getaway together and even there, he wasn't very affectionate and it made me realise I need something more.

 

Another downside is that he lacks empathy and I often feel he's not there for me emotionally. At times when I talk to him about being stressed with family matters, studies and such, he'd simply laugh it off and say "I'm more stressed and tired!" with no words of comfort. When we are together, he always seems tired (he really is, due to work) but it makes me feel like he is bored with me which adds to my stresses and puts me in a depressed mood. I've tried talking to him about all this, tried telling him what I need (more affection etc.), but most of the time he becomes frustrated and avoids discussing the problems altogether, saying he's "tired". There's been quite a few times when we did end up discussing but mostly over text, and in the end the problem remains unsolved because we can't do anything about spending so little time

 

Despite all this, he is a great guy, very family-oriented, and does many things for me to show that he truly cares. He works long hours of physical labour (7am start, sometimes until 6pm when it gets busy), and even so he would still drive to my place (takes about 30 minutes) and we'd have dinner together on our set days. He tells his family about us; they will be visiting him in two weeks (they live in a different country) and it will be my first time meeting them. He seemed quite eager for me to meet them and talked about plans of us taking them sightseeing and dining together when they come. It seems to me that he truly wants to be committed in a more long term relationship with me. In terms of personality, I think we do complement each other and get along well, with a similar sense of humour too.

 

I just wanted to ask, what's your opinion on this situation? Do you think it is worth it because of the many positive aspects, or should I drop him because I feel like my needs in some aspects aren't (and probably won't be) fulfilled? I don't want to lose him and I know that if we end it we won't talk anymore and I would feel so alone, because he is one of the few close friends that I have, that I can talk to. I truly don't want to lose this friendship.

[Copelandsanity]

How was the relationship prior to his job? Did you two have the connection you yearn for back then?

 

If you had it before, it's worth saving. How much worth, that's on you to gauge because his job will be a huge obstacle to work around. 11 hours of physical labor plus commuting is brutal; he is flat out not going to have the time or energy you may be looking for. I was married to a workaholic - would sometimes work 2 weeks straight, 12+ hours a day - and how it worked was that I put in a substantial amount of effort to make it work. I cooked, took care of the household, gave her full body massages every other day, and planned our vacations. Most importantly, when she arrived home, I would greet her at the door with a smile, hug and kiss, and I made sure that I set aside some time right then and there to listen to her about her day, of which she had her share of hard ones. I feel like that's the only way to make a relationship with a workaholic succeed; the other partner has to emotionally and physically take care of the him or her. Do the heavy lifting, so to speak. It definitely wasn't easy, and I think you have to determine whether you want to do that for your bf...or if you want to move in a different direction because that's not your personality or that's not what you're looking for right now since you're so young. The only way he'll respond more positively is if you put in that effort. On his end, he would have to respond more positively and do more little things for you, and if he doesn't, then it's time to go.

 

As for the lack of empathy, that's something you'll have to discuss with him about. You have to tell him directly that when you talk to him about stressful matters, you want his communication style to be him giving you 100% mental and physical attention, listening, not quick to judge or offer solutions, and verbally acknowledging your feelings.

[mukkrakker]

Sadly it sounds like he's just running on empty…

 

You need to put some gas in his tank and see where that takes you.

 

Do something different - a romantic weekend, or maybe an activity weekend (what are you both into?)

 

Take a class together - do you both like dancing?

 

You have to find that connection and cultivate it.

 

If he doesn't respond...

[central]

Your relationship right now does not sound healthy or likely to succeed. If some new passion can be injected and your bf can become more engage and participative, then you have a chance. The relationship may look good on paper in some ways and he may be a great guy too, but without mutual passion and commitment, it will be at best unhappy, and at worst a miserable failure.

 

Most new relationships hit a wall around the two year mark. By then the initial hormonal rush of a new relationship has faded away, and what's left is usually what's going to exist going forward. If you haven't grown into a deeper - although probably less exciting - kind of love, you may never achieve it with this person.