My friend will not be a father anymore and he's depressed

[WHOLESALEPACK]

My friend was in an 4 year-old relationship and engaged for 8 months. His gf got pregnant and he seemed happy to be a father (even though he's only 25).

 

However, several weeks ago he was seen totally depressed. What happened is his gf had secretly aborted their 2 month year-old baby. He's is upset that she didn't even bother telling him how she felt, pretended to want the baby and before having the abortion told him that she was going to shop for baby things. Not only that but he said it took her 3 days to finally tell him what she did. He hasn't been the same since and doesn't know if he can ever forgive and forget that.

 

I would hate to be in that position. Not sure if any man can forgive something that big? He has broken off the engagement and doesn't really know if he wants to stay in the relationship anymore. Would you? He's taken this very hard off course and we've been trying to help him out. Will he recover eventually? Have never seen him like this before.

Edited February 1, 2014 by WHOLESALEPACK

[Grumpybutfun]

To deal with his emotions, perhaps he should see a grief therapist. I don't know how I would feel about something like that, but trusting his fiancé after that will be next to impossible. This is a very serious betrayal. The best thing you can do for him is to get him to see someone as he can't process all of this on his own.

Best,

Grumps

[janedoe67]

Yep. That's a pretty big deal. She made a unilateral decision about whether or not THEIR baby would continue to live.

 

I'm a woman and I don't think I could come back from that.

[Eau Claire]

My friend was in an 4 year-old relationship and engaged for 8 months. His gf got pregnant and he seemed happy to be a father (even though he's only 25).

 

However, several weeks ago he was seen totally depressed. What happened is his gf had secretly aborted their 2 month year-old baby. He's is upset that she didn't even bother telling him how she felt, pretended to want the baby and before having the abortion told him that she was going to shop for baby things. Not only that but he said it took her 3 days to finally tell him what she did. He hasn't been the same since and doesn't know if he can ever forgive and forget that.

 

I would hate to be in that position. Not sure if any man can forgive something that big? He has broken off the engagement and doesn't really know if he wants to stay in the relationship anymore. Would you? He's taken this very hard off course and we've been trying to help him out. Will he recover eventually? Have never seen him like this before.

 

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

[SoleMate]

Eau Claire....seriously? The former father-to-be has no right to discuss this kind of situation with a friend? I disagree. Of course, he shouldn't gossip, blab or gripe, but to sentence him to never sharing this burden with a friend is not justifiable, IMO.

 

As to whether it's forgivable...probably not. As big as the offense itself (dishonesty and unilateral pre-emptive abortion of her pregnancy by her life partner-to-be), is the truth it revealed about their r/s. It wasn't close or honest, or there was something else really wrong and broken about it. We don't have enough info to say exactly what the brokenness was/is. Perhaps the woman has a serious mental health issue. Perhaps she is terrified of the male partner. It could really be ANYTHING. I wouldn't bother even trying to forgive without a very good idea of what the broken part is.

[Woggle]

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

I'm 100% pro choice but why doesn't he have the right to confide in his friends about how he feels about the situation?

[janedoe67]

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

Actually, it's THEIR baby so it should have been THEIR choice.

[KathyM]

Wow, that is huge. He lost a child that he was looking forward to raising and being a father to, plus he was betrayed so hurtfully by his fiance. If I were him, I certainly would leave the relationship. To go behind his back and rip his heart out like that is something you don't do to someone you love. I think some women take this "my body, my choice" attitude way too far, because the child is also the father's baby, whom he has emotional investment in. I imagine this will create lasting feelings of loss, betrayal, and difficulty with trusting women. The most you can do is try to be as supportive to your friend as possible and understanding of what he is going through. Maybe encourage him to talk to a counselor to help him process his feelings of loss and betrayal.

[ThatMan]

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

We're all going to feel differently about abortion which is a sensitive topic. But we're not discussing the morality of abortion as a whole - we're talking about just one couple who seem to be a tough spot. I agree that it might not be appropriate to discuss such an event with a third party, but he has every right to. He also has every right to feel any given way towards the abortion.

 

I think that pain isn't something for us to hold onto. Pain is something you have to speak about. If his friend wants to talk about his life, I think he's doing the right thing.

 

I also think that the most the OP may offer him is the opportunity to speak. Everything else will entirely be up to the friend who is going through a tough time. Just try to remain open, non-judgmental, safe, and supportive. That means no name calling, making accusations of immaturity, and keeping whatever views on abortion you have to yourself. This is about a friend in need who needs an outlet, and not a lecture.

[No Limit]

Woah. I'm female and I'm pro-choice as well, but this choice has to be considered and talked about. Not something you do behind someone's back.

I can't imagine how he could ever trust a woman again who literally decided to kill his child. And I also don't know what could be so wrong in a relationship to do this step.

 

Like, wow. I'd so love to jump into the next plane and give this guy a hug.

Best of luck.

[Keenly]

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

I don't even know what to say to you.

 

You basically took this guy's friends really sad story and you flipped it around to be HIS fault. That's just sick.

 

I'd definitely break up with a woman who was so selfish and only cared about herself that much.

[HokeyReligions]

To go behind his back and rip his heart out like that is something you don't do to someone you love. I think some women take this "my body, my choice" attitude way too far,.

 

I agree. I know the law supports the my body my choice rule but I think that reasoning is so flawed and has been shoved down our throats for so long that it has morphed into noting more than an enabling tool for ultra feminist control freaks.

 

First - its not JUST her body. It it the body of the unborn child.

 

Second - that child has a biological father who should have some input.

 

Third - if you love someone you don't do that to them. Period.

 

Fourth - if you are a decent human being you let the father know before hand so he isn't totally sude-swiped with grief and shock.

[Shepp]

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

Do YOU have any idea what it feels like to be a father? To hold your tiny baby in your arms? To know you'd go through any pain in the the world to keep him safe??

 

You don't...otherwise you wouldn't of answered like that! Maybe its you who needs to look at gaining some EMPATHY!

 

Abortion is one thing. Promising a dude his little baby and then going behind his back and killing that dream and that baby while telling him you were buying baby clothes

[Tayla]

I stand fairly neutral as a large portion here are against abortion.

 

So while to the outside world we all want to burn this Ex fiance for not telling the biological father, we do not know for sure any of the following:

 

1: that he was the biological father

2: That she really was prepared to be a mother

3: We are getting third party information (from an onlooker friend)

 

With all that stated, I cannot in good faith get the match lit against this scenario.

 

Yes I get Eu Claire's perspective, The Guy really should have brooched the subject directly with the lady and from there , shared his views with his friends if need be. So yes, each side was accountable to some extent . She for delaying the information, and he for not sitting down to discuss his side. Ones feelings need not be judged, just heard out. I pray for them both as I'm sure the lady also deserves some comfort as this was not a simple choice that was made.

 

I don't throw stones at glass houses....Humility does that sometimes

[almond]

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

dafuq did I just read?

[Mr Scorpio]

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

 

Why shouldn't good friends discuss painful matters with each other? Plenty of people view their friends as family. If she wasn't willing to discuss things with him, why should he refrain from venting to the OP?

 

 

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

 

 

And most of us have no idea what it is like to have someone else take their child from them. OP did nothing wrong in demonstrating concern for his friend. OP's friend did nothing wrong in venting his pain and frustration to the OP.

[gaius]

Why shouldn't good friends discuss painful matters with each other? Plenty of people view their friends as family. If she wasn't willing to discuss things with him, why should he refrain from venting to the OP?

 

And most of us have no idea what it is like to have someone else take their child from them. OP did nothing wrong in demonstrating concern for his friend. OP's friend did nothing wrong in venting his pain and frustration to the OP.

I've actually seen that viewpoint a lot, just not often expressed that directly. How many women have you seen come on here and make threads about how revolting it is to see the single dad they're dating doting on his kid? Time to break up! There's just something wrong on a primal level with a guy who not only wants to be a father but has to run around whining about not being one to all his friends. Screams weakness and low testosterone / small testicles. I'm sure Eau wasn't the only one who was violently turned off by that post.

 

As far as the original issue, all you can really do is counsel your friend that he's probably better off not being glued for the next 18 years to a woman who would be that fake and do something of that magnitude without consulting him.

[WHOLESALEPACK]

Update: He just broke it off and wants nothing to do with her.

 

Abortion is one thing. Promising a dude his little baby and then going behind his back and killing that dream and that baby while telling him you were buying baby clothes

I think it's because some women have gone a bit too far with this to the point that a man isn't suppose to have feelings towards the subject and simply told to just get over it, suck it up and stay. Edited February 2, 2014 by WHOLESALEPACK

[janedoe67]

Update: He just broke it off and wants nothing to do with her.

 

I think it's because some women have gone a bit too far with this to the point that a man isn't suppose to have feelings towards the subject and simply told to just get over it, suck it up and stay.

 

That is because they have to. If you are going to be pro-abortion, you have to go all in. Otherwise you have to acknowledge using the b word (b for baby).

[JonShmaltz]

I don't even know what to say to you.

 

You basically took this guy's friends really sad story and you flipped it around to be HIS fault. That's just sick.

 

I'd definitely break up with a woman who was so selfish and only cared about herself that much.

 

Shut up you. Don't you know that men are just semen donors and disposable tools today? Now go jump in between some women and some bullets so the ladies can do important things like support pro-female legislation, ignore or deny men's problems and then complain that men aren't fighting hard enough to solve women's problems!

[almond]

That is because they have to. If you are going to be pro-abortion, you have to go all in. Otherwise you have to acknowledge using the b word (b for baby).

 

This is completely untrue. Many women can be pro-choice, and still consult their partners and consider their feelings in the matter. Totally separate issues.

 

Calling a fetus a baby is also not required to display empathy and care for a male partner when it comes to deciding to abort.

[janedoe67]

This is completely untrue. Many women can be pro-choice, and still consult their partners and consider their feelings in the matter. Totally separate issues.

 

Calling a fetus a baby is also not required to display empathy and care for a male partner when it comes to deciding to abort.

 

I agree with this completely. BUT there is a difference between a compassionate, pro-choice woman and a man-hating, bra-burning, fish-and-bicycle, PRO-abortion rant. The latter type DOES pretty much have to.

[isisisweeping]

I would never be able to forgive that or be in a relationship with that person again of any sort. That would even ruin friendship for me.

 

 

(I am pro-choice, but she didn't even consult him. That is NOT okay.)

[GoreSP]

Wow. I am speechless. I'm so sorry for your friend.

 

I am also pro-choice but the disrespect here is sickening. IF she didn't want the baby she should have told him firsthand.

[Radu]

Firstly, this is her choice...you are a couple steps removed so butt out of judging whether you know what the variables were. You are not this woman. I am not this woman.

 

This fellow should not be discussing the particulars with you. He is immature and this is between the two of them. She is fortunate no longer to be engaged to a man who breaks this trust.

 

Men removed from this situation have no idea what a woman goes through. YOU need to grow up and gain some empathy for women.

 

And i assume this generalization in your post applies to both men and women ?

 

So if situations were reversed, and the poster was a woman who's bf of many yrs told her to get an abortion done because he's not interested in the baby, it would be bad for her to discuss things with someone else.

 

PS: If i was in his shoes, i would never be able to trust her again, i would view it like cheating.

Mostly because of the duplicity involved, not because she made an unilateral decision of this magnitude that affected us both [though, that would count quite a lot too].

Edited February 7, 2014 by Radu