Nicomis Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Pretty sure how this is going to go down, but it could be fun anyway. A friend of mine moved to Seattle from Atlanta about 3 years ago. He's been seeing the same woman exclusively for about a year. He called me last night, and said he was thinking about proposing, but she had said in passing that she wanted to keep her last name if she ever got married. He's 43, and she's 38, and it's not her fathers last name. It's her ex husband's, and her 1 child is grown and moved out. Despite the flaming I'm sure I'll get, If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb. Just seems to be another way women want us to "be the man", but want to take away his ability to be the head of his household. Marry a woman like that, and you will never see a day of respect. If a man asked 100 other men, if they would marry a woman that wanted to keep her last name, I'd bet 95 of them would say no way in hell. I can see it with celebrities, where maybe she built her success on that name, but otherwise no way. Might as well keep your balls in her purse. Flame on! Link to post Share on other sites
nerd Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I'd rather she keep her name rather than do some silly hyphenated thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Marry a woman like that, and you will never see a day of respect. In your case, this is correct sir. Respect is to be earned. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 In your case, this is correct sir. Respect is to be earned. Where is the "love" button, like is not enough. She should keep her name if she desires, it's JUST A NAME! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I would guess that she wants to keep the same last name as her child. I would be of a similar perspective. But I guess I married someone a lot more understanding. We took each other's last name and put the two together, hyphenated. Now that is love & and equal partnership. And guess what? I actually respect him for being that secure and dedicated to our marriage (at the time) to do that But it was an administrative nightmare. So after his stepfather offered up HIS last name, we all took it. Finally a last name with some meaning. His biological father was just a name until he was 33 and I grew sick of carrying around my dysfunctional family's name. So we all changed over to one that was family-by-choice. Perfect for us. We've always been a bit different. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I used to say I didn't want to change my name because of my son. Now that he's older, I dont have a problem with it, especially since its not my maiden name. I see it as disrespectful for a woman to keep her exes name when she remarries. Its like a slap in the face to the new husband. Its quite odd that she wants to keep her ex husbands name with her son grown and out of the house. Her maiden name, I would say let her have it. Her ex husbands name - nope. She's strangely attached to something that is not hers. Is she crazy? LOL 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicomis Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 In your case, this is correct sir. Respect is to be earned. And out come the claws. lol And I immediately lose the ability to earn respect because I wouldn't marry a woman who wants to keep her last name? What you mean is, I have to agree with YOU, and do what YOU want, or there's no way to get respect. LOL yeah OK... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 And out come the claws. lol And I immediately lose the ability to earn respect because I wouldn't marry a woman who wants to keep her last name? What you mean is, I have to agree with YOU, and do what YOU want, or there's no way to get respect. LOL yeah OK... Nah, it was your OP. It made the opening cuts. The opinion about the last name change wouldn't have mattered, it was the blanket generalization the women expect X and do Y. Honestly, why do men think we want to keep their balls in our purses? What's up with that? I keep my eyeliner in there, and lipstick. How gross to have them snuggled up to a pair of hairies. I can't imagine trying to dig around for loose change or my phone and having to keep shifting your balls around in there. "Hmm, stress ball? Nope, nope... that's Dave's.... Oh, here we go.... oh shoot! Those ones belong to the ex, maybe I should return them... getting quite a collection here. Oh crap, can't find the stress ball. Oh well, the X-bf's set will have to sub in for now..." If I really wanted to keep a guy's balls, I'd box them up and store them in the freezer. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 What you mean is, I have to agree with YOU, and do what YOU want, or there's no way to get respect. LOL yeah OK... Well, aren't you saying the exact same thing, but in reverse? I honestly don't see what the big deal about this is. It seems to me that you're creating drama where there doesn't have to be any. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I wouldn't care. I wouldn't even care if a woman wanted our children to have her last name (even if it was the last name of an ex-husband) over mine. Of all the things to care about, that is very very very low on the list... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Also, maybe stay out of your friend's business. Just a thought. No need to be a fishwife about it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I wouldn't care. I wouldn't even care if a woman wanted our children to have her last name (even if it was the last name of an ex-husband) over mine. Of all the things to care about, that is very very very low on the list... Interesting. I've known two people who've done that. Including one that was married. Then she ended up taking the husband's last name and didn't switch the kids over. But then they split up and she's going by her live-in boyfriend's last name. The kids are name-orphans. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Interesting. I've known two people who've done that. Including one that was married. Then she ended up taking the husband's last name and didn't switch the kids over. But then they split up and she's going by her live-in boyfriend's last name. The kids are name-orphans. Yeah I mean I think it would be weird if that happened (my children getting my wife's ex-husband's last name) but it's just not something that I'd break up with someone over. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Well, I wouldn't have a problem taking my husband's last name, but I don't think it should be a dealbreaker at all, why is it so important that she "submits" to that rule if the relationship is good otherwise? I have my ex husband's last name and if I remarry, I won't change it, because I published about 60 peer reviewed scientific journal articles under that name. Really can't change it again for that reason. I do hope that it would not be a dealbreaker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 There was actually a report about this on the news the other day. More women are now taking their husband's last name than they have in the past 10 years. There are plenty of reasons why a women may want to keep her last name, especially as she gets older if she's been a career woman. Your reputation follows your name. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 My sister kept her last name when she got married. They have 2 daughters, one has her last name and one has the husband/dads last name. Who cares? No one has ever said a thing about it and the youngest is 7. What a silly thing to get so up in arms over. People worry about he name thing a bit too much. I don't see how it proves anything to take another name. I think he MARRIAGE takes care of all that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicomis Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 Well, aren't you saying the exact same thing, but in reverse? I honestly don't see what the big deal about this is. It seems to me that you're creating drama where there doesn't have to be any. No I'm saying she is being disrespectful. I didn't say she wasn't able to earn respect, or that she didn't have any in the first place. BTW, My friend called to ask my opinion, so I gave it. Link to post Share on other sites
happydate Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Pretty sure how this is going to go down, but it could be fun anyway. A friend of mine moved to Seattle from Atlanta about 3 years ago. He's been seeing the same woman exclusively for about a year. He called me last night, and said he was thinking about proposing, but she had said in passing that she wanted to keep her last name if she ever got married. He's 43, and she's 38, and it's not her fathers last name. It's her ex husband's, and her 1 child is grown and moved out. Despite the flaming I'm sure I'll get, If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb. Just seems to be another way women want us to "be the man", but want to take away his ability to be the head of his household. Marry a woman like that, and you will never see a day of respect. If a man asked 100 other men, if they would marry a woman that wanted to keep her last name, I'd bet 95 of them would say no way in hell. I can see it with celebrities, where maybe she built her success on that name, but otherwise no way. Might as well keep your balls in her purse. Flame on! You were raised in a family where "Conform" and "Obey" is the norm. This woman was raised in a family where individuality and the expression of it was well preserved. Her parents are high self-worth and high self-esteem individuals who believe that an individual does not necessarily need to conform and obey society's expectation. And that expectation is to force her to abandon her last name of whatever she decides to keep and adopt a new name. How do you feel if you live in Asia and you are forced to use chopsticks because you are living among Asian and you MUST conform and obey their customs and abandon your North American Anglo Saxons way of life? You can respect their customs, but you need not obey and conform by force. What you are exhibiting here has nothing to do with respect of her to her future husband, but her individual expression of what she likes. That's all. Blessings.. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Thanks to DOT, I just named my purse "scrotum"! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) No I'm saying she is being disrespectful. I didn't say she wasn't able to earn respect, or that she didn't have any in the first place. BTW, My friend called to ask my opinion, so I gave it. You said he should kick her to the curb over this. Come on, man, this is childish. Sounds like a good relationship; and the only hitch for him is that she wants to keep her name - so much so that he actually would end the relationship over that? How is she the one being disrespectful here? People really need to get some perspective. Edited May 22, 2013 by serial muse 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicomis Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 You were raised in a family where "Conform" and "Obey" is the norm. This woman was raised in a family where individuality and the expression of it was well preserved. Her parents are high self-worth and high self-esteem individuals who believe that an individual does not necessarily need to conform and obey society's expectation. And that expectation is to force her to abandon her last name of whatever she decides to keep and adopt a new name. How do you feel if you live in Asia and you are forced to use chopsticks because you are living among Asian and you MUST conform and obey their customs and abandon your North American Anglo Saxons way of life? You can respect their customs, but you need not obey and conform by force. What you are exhibiting here has nothing to do with respect of her to her future husband, but her individual expression of what she likes. That's all. Blessings.. So now you can make assumptions about my upbringing based on my views on a single topic? Wow I hope your using that ability to make money. So now we have the disapproving feminist views I expected. Are there any men willing to be honest about what they think of this? I don't know many men who disagree with me on this, and my group of male friends includes a wide variety of cultures, races, and economic backgrounds. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 So now you can make assumptions about my upbringing based on my views on a single topic? Wow I hope your using that ability to make money. So now we have the disapproving feminist views I expected. Are there any men willing to be honest about what they think of this? I don't know many men who disagree with me on this, and my group of male friends includes a wide variety of cultures, races, and economic backgrounds. My datapoint of one: I asked my H, when we were going to get married, if he felt strongly about this. I am published under my maiden name, and I didn't really want to change it, but I wanted to know how he really felt and would take that into account. He basically looked at me with a raised eyebrow and said, "why would you do that?" End of discussion. For the record, most of my and his friends didn't change their names either. And they have very happy marriages, with no balls in anyone's purses that I can tell. Perhaps you should stop making assumptions if some people feel differently than you do? Maybe the world doesn't have to be so ugly. Oh, the drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 No I'm saying she is being disrespectful. I didn't say she wasn't able to earn respect, or that she didn't have any in the first place. BTW, My friend called to ask my opinion, so I gave it. I understand the desire to be seen as 'one' by your friends, family, and community. Taking the same name is one way to do that... along with wearing a wedding ring, living under the same roof, and having children together. These are all symbolic gestures that have deep emotional meaning to a lot of people.. and are strongly rooted in tradition... that for many have served a useful purpose for a long, long time. HOWEVER, none of these things can possibly give you the respect you crave. At all. That is done by two people honestly sharing their goals, desires, dreams and being consistent in their love and care for each other. I took my H's last name when I married. It sounded better than mine and he too felt strongly about it. He didn't respect ME anymore because of it though. Years later, he betrayed me and abandoned our marriage. So there you go. His was a beautiful French-Canadian name... it was... Too bad his soul wasn't so beautiful and not deserving of my respect. Will say this though... his attitude was a lot like yours. My way or the highway kind of guy. Our argument about me taking or not taking his name ought to have been our last. He showed me he didn't respect me during that conversation... and it was a trend he continued afterward. He was not someone who could legitimately be head of anything. Tell your friend this... difficulties and disagreements are bound to arise during any marriage. HOW they are discussed are often more important than WHAT is discussed. If they can't come to a decision that they can both enthusiastically agree upon... together... while stakes are lowest... then yes... that does not bode well for their marriage. No matter what the topic might be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 And out come the claws. lol And I immediately lose the ability to earn respect because I wouldn't marry a woman who wants to keep her last name? What you mean is, I have to agree with YOU, and do what YOU want, or there's no way to get respect. LOL yeah OK... What it means is that your relationships with women are all about your EGO, and that makes you unsuitable for a mutually respectful relationship. It's her name that she's carried for years. I can understand maybe feeling a bit disappointed or even threatened because it's her ex's last name, but a well grounded man would acknowledge that he was being insecure and lame and move on, if he loved and wanted to have a life with this woman. A man who tries to CONTROL what a woman chooses to call herself has serious issues with his own confidence and, frankly, is probably only showing the tip of the ugly iceberg of his deeply controlling nature. If you dropped a woman over that, she should be thankful that she dodged the bullet. It would only get worse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I wouldn't leave her or anything but I would seen it as a rejection of my name / family . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts