Does a broken home in childhood lead to a broken marriage?

[GreatHusband]

My wife comes from a broken home (dad who abandened her forever at age 8 and a mom who is bipolar). Since our son was born 4 years ago, we have had little intimacy and have been married "friends". God brought us together and blessed us with our son(who is our everything). Gradually over the last 4 years, she has been not wanted "touch" from me. Very little intimacy, and the hugs and kisses have now stopped.

 

On top of that, She is also overwhelmed with work(day job) and taking classes at night. I have been supportive and done everything I can (laundry, house work, cooking, etc.) but now she is saying this marriage "isn't working" but she can't explain why. We get along well, don't fight, no abuse, etc. We just aren't close anymore. She has told me that it is her that is the issue.

 

She has agreed to see a counselor together, but I think this issue goes pretty deep. I am working on bettering myself (prayer life, healthy eating, working out, etc.) but I can't force her to love me or show affection to me. Any other advice? Thanks so much! GH

[january2011]

How was the relationship before you got married and before you had a child?

 

As you said, she is overwhelmed with her job and classes, and, presumably, being a mother. And you are picking up the slack by doing nearly everything else at home (on top of a job?). Give yourselves a break. After you've dealt with everything on your plate, it's no surprise that intimacy has started slipping further and further down the list.

 

See what happens with the counselor. Blaming her childhood would be an easy thing to do. It might explain her behaviour and worldview, but it doesn't necessarily provide solutions for your present and future together.

[TheGuard13]

A broken home absolutely can contribute to a lack of development of proper coping and communication skills that are essential for a successful relationship. My wife and I went to counseling five or six times, and four out of the six, the counselor immediately identified my wife's abusive relationship with her absent father and bipolar/borderline mother as the source of many of our issues and focused on that.

 

The issues may run deep, but that doesn't mean these issues are insurmountable. Best of luck at counseling. It can be a good growth and reflection experience for both of you regardless.

[pink_sugar]

I definitely think it's an influence. My parents hate each other and neither have good examples of a relationship. My mom is with someone who is emotionally abusive and stays that way. She thinks my situation is roses compared to hers. My dad is unrealistic and wants the perfect partner that won't come. I don't know many people with a great example of a relationship.

[CC12]

She has agreed to see a counselor together, but I think this issue goes pretty deep.

 

Let these things come out at your counseling sessions. Please be very careful about psychoanalyzing her. No offense, but you're not qualified and you're too close to the situation.

 

Also, I'm not accusing you of doing this, I just want to put this out there. Blaming your relationship problems on her upbringing is kind of absolving yourself from any responsibility. You said, "We just aren't close anymore" and that's typically not just one person's fault.

 

It's good that you're bettering yourself by praying and making healthy choices. Those things are for you, though. Are you attempting to better your relationship by taking her out on dates, doing fun things together, showing appreciation, making jokes?

[Radu]

My wife comes from a broken home (dad who abandened her forever at age 8 and a mom who is bipolar). Since our son was born 4 years ago, we have had little intimacy and have been married "friends". God brought us together and blessed us with our son(who is our everything). Gradually over the last 4 years, she has been not wanted "touch" from me. Very little intimacy, and the hugs and kisses have now stopped.

 

On top of that, She is also overwhelmed with work(day job) and taking classes at night. I have been supportive and done everything I can (laundry, house work, cooking, etc.) but now she is saying this marriage "isn't working" but she can't explain why. We get along well, don't fight, no abuse, etc. We just aren't close anymore. She has told me that it is her that is the issue.

 

She has agreed to see a counselor together, but I think this issue goes pretty deep. I am working on bettering myself (prayer life, healthy eating, working out, etc.) but I can't force her to love me or show affection to me. Any other advice? Thanks so much! GH

 

Google the 180 and implement it.

Continue to do the bolded; don't get me wrong, but prayer is not gonna help you much on this one, you need to be proactive through actions.

 

Most likely she is overwhelmed by the workload and put herself and her relationship with you on the backburner, sacrificed it.

This can have become the new 'normal' and little by little the connection you two had has dwindled.

 

Worse, if she comes from a broken home and she never had an example of a working relationship, she might not know that there are ups and downs to every relationship, so she might not know to get out of this funk or worse ... will think it's permanent.

And if she starts believing it, it will become a self-fullfilling prophecy.

[Got it]

My wife comes from a broken home (dad who abandened her forever at age 8 and a mom who is bipolar). Since our son was born 4 years ago, we have had little intimacy and have been married "friends". God brought us together and blessed us with our son(who is our everything). Gradually over the last 4 years, she has been not wanted "touch" from me. Very little intimacy, and the hugs and kisses have now stopped.

 

On top of that, She is also overwhelmed with work(day job) and taking classes at night. I have been supportive and done everything I can (laundry, house work, cooking, etc.) but now she is saying this marriage "isn't working" but she can't explain why. We get along well, don't fight, no abuse, etc. We just aren't close anymore. She has told me that it is her that is the issue.

 

She has agreed to see a counselor together, but I think this issue goes pretty deep. I am working on bettering myself (prayer life, healthy eating, working out, etc.) but I can't force her to love me or show affection to me. Any other advice? Thanks so much! GH

 

I know, while my parents stayed together it was a very unhappy marriage, that I was never patterned good relationship skills and so I struggled especially in my younger years. It has been hard not ever seeing what a good relationship looks like though you definitely recognize what a bad one is like.

 

Therapy will be very helpful for her as she needs to work on recognizing their patterns, assessing her patterns, and figuring out what ones she wants to continue and what she wants to change. I have found therapy to be extremely helpful for me and definitely healing my codependency issues.