taisha Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I have been dating a guy for a month. He did not tell me that he is married ( but seperated for 3 months) and now because I found out from his wife, he wants me to believe that he does not want her and he was going to tell me about soon. Should I forgive him and believe that he is going to end it with and come to me? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 NO! Stop it now before you get hurt. You WILL get hurt. He has already lied to you. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 NO NO and NO again. trust me, he wasn't going to tell you. separated isn't divorced. tell him you're not going to date him until you see divorce papers. i'm sorry that happened, but one month isn't too long, hopefully you'll heal quickly. good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 as long as the marriage is over, who cares if he is still legally married. Some divorces take a year to get through the court system. As long as his relationship with his wife is over he is free to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 No. I consider holding this truth from you to have been lying. I would not want to put up with behavior such as this. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin as long as the marriage is over, who cares if he is still legally married. Some divorces take a year to get through the court system. As long as his relationship with his wife is over he is free to be with you. No. He is NOT free until the divorce is final. The actual divorce isn't even the issue here. He did not tell her he was married and they dated for a month! She heard it from his WIFE. If she had not found out that he is married he would have just kept stringing her along and deceiving her. taisha, Look through old "other woman/other man" posts on this board and you can see what kind of heartbreak and what kind of problems you are letting yourself in for if you continue this one-sided relationship. DON'T let him use you! Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Go to the Other Woman/Man forum here on LS. There's been a lot of people who became involved with someone who had early Alzheimer's and forgot to tell them they were married. He needs to get a divorce before he gets involved with other people. That he failed to mention his marital situation shows that he did not feel he had to be responsible and respectful towards you and be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I am sure there are alot of things he didn't tell her about himself in the course of a month. But in his mind if the marriage is over, why bring it up? Back when I dated I didn't like to talk about my past relationships nor did I want to hear about past relationships the women had. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockstar Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I kind of agree with Fredrolin. If you have only been together for a month, he may not have looked at this relationship as seriously as you did. He may not have thought it was something you needed to know so soon. Another thought is that he is on tilt and you are a rebound chick. He is absolutely not looking for a commitment (even though he may have said so) due to his marriage just breaking up. Most guys out of a long term relationship do not jump into another one right away. They bang around for a bit and get out those frustrations thay had as a married man. He may be doing something of the sort with you. Hence the reason for not telling you about the marriage. Just be cautious about giving your heart away to this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Whether he figured in his own mind the marriage was over is irrelevant in my opinion. My friend was actually in a situation similar to this. She was actually trying to get a divorce and could not locate her husband who had taken off on her. She had the decency to let anyone she dated know that she was separated and in the process of a getting a divorce. It's just something that should be done out of respect in my opinion. There's a big difference between talking about past relationships and letting someone know that you're currently still married. The first is not necessary. In my opinion, the latter is. Whether you want to forgive him is up to you. You know him best and if you honestly believe that he was going to tell you soon or believe that he had a good reason not to, then do what makes you feel comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin as long as the marriage is over, who cares if he is still legally married. Some divorces take a year to get through the court system. As long as his relationship with his wife is over he is free to be with you. Although true, however this guy did NOT even tell her what was going on...that's a BAD sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin I am sure there are alot of things he didn't tell her about himself in the course of a month. But in his mind if the marriage is over, why bring it up? Back when I dated I didn't like to talk about my past relationships nor did I want to hear about past relationships the women had. Right, but those past relationships were over and finished, hence the term "past." He should have told her day ONE what the score was, so that she knew what was going on. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 It's true that people can be separated and yet legally married. In many cases the divorce is a formality but the marriage is long over. In your case, though, something bothers me: why didn't he just tell you? That is strange, and yes, I do think that's rather dishonest of him. I wouldn't waste my time with him. Sounds like he's got stuff to sort out, and since you've only been dating him for a month, there are no firm ties as yet. Link to post Share on other sites
abc Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Did he tell you he was separated? It was a bit unclear to me. If he did, I don't consider not telling you he was married a lie. Most people understand that legally separated does mean the marriage is over and that they are just waiting for a court date. I was legally separated for over a decade but never felt married at all. I filed my taxes a head of household. It is limbo ...not really here or there. I was even engaged to my current husband while I was legally separated. It is whatever you two interpret it to be. i lived as a single person as my ex was out of sight(state) and out of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Originally posted by amerikajin something bothers me: why didn't he just tell you? That is strange EXACTLY! If he had told you what the status was in his marriage....then at least he'd get a point for being honest. The second point he would get is if he is separated....he is living on his own and his wife is aware there is a divorce in the process. The third point would be in that his ENTIRE group of family and friends know he is separated, heading for a divorce, so you are in no ways a secret from anyone. If he does not score ALL THREE POINTS.....I'll tell you from past experience...get the hell out! Tell him to only call you AFTER his divorce is stapled to his forehead. If you don't do this...you could be headed for a great heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Trust Arabess on this one Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 Arabess is one of my personal heroes, if only because her replies always make so much sense! One more question to ask youreself: what ELSE isn't he telling you? I once got involved with a man who was not only married, but cheating on his long-distance mistress with me! The dual-discovery was horrid at first, but these days I have to laugh at the fact that his first mistress (an occasional email pal I'd never met FTF) was the one who accidentally spilled the beans . To this day, I wish I could have seen his face when I forwarded her email to him, remarking, "So how long have you been f****** (namenotimportant" AND your wife?" Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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