Reunions

[seren]

I recently went to a reunion of old military friends, H came, but did his own thing when I went to the do. My ex H was there, we had married way back when I was just 21 and divorced 3 years later, it was a mistake and while we parted on good terms, we just should never have got married. I never heard from him nor he me, we just got on with our lives.

 

We chatted at the reunion as old friends, along with others, the 'remember when ...' stuff. Ex H, as the night went on, began talking more about 'us' than our military time, a lot of what he said happened, but he had very different memories than I. The way he was talking it was like he was saying, if we had only worked on us, that we were soulmates and all that baloney. I tell ex H that while we had, had a great time, that we had both changed, both had different lives and, more importantly, were both happily married, well I was at least. He asks to see me again, I tell him to jog on (or words to that effect) and that he has drank too much and should ring his wife.

 

So, I ring H and say come get me. I tell H what ex H has said and he said that he has seen a lot of this amongst his old friends. The trying to recapture a time when they didn't have responsibilities, kids, a mortgage, a long term relationship. H and I discussed how the internet, especially social networking, has given people an opportunity to meet up and that before the internet, most wouldn't even think of contacting an ex or even give them a moment's thought.

 

I tend to agree and listening to ex H all I could think of was that if what we had, had was so dammed great we wouldn't have got divorced and that he had this image of me when I was younger, fitter (no creaky knees) and a party, party person. I just wasn't who he thought I was, I have grown and TBH, he had changed too and not into someone I could ever imagine being with.

 

I wondered if a lot of rekindled relationships, especially when there is an A and especially when the A is Long Distance, if the dream or memory is the lure and not the reality. I also wonder if the reconnecting with an old, old flame means that some people feel they can recapture or maybe revisit the you they used to be too. I think of my parents and how mature they were compared to a lot of people today, especially those trying to hang on to youth and their idea of who they really are. There is of course, nothing wrong with maintaining a youthful outlook, but sometimes I see people hanker after what was and not reconcile with who they are now. I wondered if a rekindled relationship from way back is part of this - I also thank God I am where I am, with whom I am and my place in life.

[2sure]

Yes, I have had and seen similar experiences.

 

It's kind of like...people want to reach into their past, to the person they were then via people they knew then...and have a chance for a do over. As if, they do not feel the lives they are living are the ones they were supposed to.

[turnera]

Your husband is VERY smart. It's easy to be in love with someone you don't have to watch have a bowel movement, or hold their head over the toilet.

 

LOVE is when you do it gladly.

[turnera]

btw, in case you didn't see it, your ex is a predator. Lots of men just want sex. Period. Anywhere they can get it. If a man is pushing on you, it means they think you are EASY.

[Silly_Girl]

I haven't had a rekindled thing at all, plus the fact I went to a single-sex secondary so 'high-school romance' was thin on the ground

 

Years back, my exSO and I joined Facebook (FB was meant for people like him!) and his school year had a reunion. I went with him, it was fine. Afterwards a group of us had drinks at a friend's place, and the stories started coming out. Large numbers of people who'd either had flings/affairs with old schoolfriends or had left their relationship to set up with their ex-bf/gf. The guy who'd originally set up the reunion I went to couldn't make it, he'd left the area and was now living with his ex from school (both were in relationships when they reconnected).

 

To be fair a lot of it was 'friends of friends' type anecdotes but there was a lot there. I don't hear it so much now, maybe the novelty has worn off, maybe the folk that would do that stuff have got on and done it, but I agree there is definitely a specific 'brand' (?) of attraction or connection for those who go way back.

[SoMovinOn]

I wondered if a lot of rekindled relationships, especially when there is an A and especially when the A is Long Distance, if the dream or memory is the lure and not the reality.

 

I know some people buy into this myth, but the reality is, many rekindled relationships have nothing to do with some fairy tale ideal of recapturing some lost past, but rather, are based on the reality that the couple was attracted to each other for some reason(s) in the past, and they see those things again. Perhaps their breakup was due to other circumstances, perhaps their breakup was due to lack of experience.

 

That isn't to say it never happens otherwise. Some people get back together after some time apart, and pretty quickly are reminded of exactly why they didn't stay together in the first place.

 

If the relationship is long distance, there must be an especially strong love there to bring them back together, and for them to choose to remain in that relationship in spite of the hurdles.

 

As for the R being an A, it really has no bearing. Any R not based on reality is going to be very short lived, if it ever gets off the ground to begin with.

[SoMovinOn]

... As I said, the relationship needs to have been ended by outer forces to have the potential to start over at a later time in life....

 

I'd have to disagree with that based on my own experience. Our R ended because I was young and stupid. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have never, ever let her go.

[thomasb]

And once again the wise, classy lady you are shines right through! Seren, I salute you!

[seren]

I understand what you are saying Trinity and am sure that there are a lot of, if only, relationships and many people who made a decision they have regretted all their lives and when they have the chance to meet their lost love, reconnect and begin a new relationship. I am not disputing that for one moment.

 

But, (there's always a but) it clearly wasn't the case for my situation, he was remembering stuff in a way that didn't match with my rememberings of the same moments and, if I had chose to take him up on his offer, he would have stayed put and cake ate until his jaws ached.

 

I suppose I cannot comprehend of a situation where I could feel love for someone and knowingly share them and so my view will always be based upon the premise of, if it's that good then leave and stop the cake eating. So, I would be the wrong person to debate A situations with, but I can understand the wanting to be with someone I love.

 

My view is that in these situations, it seems to me that the ordinary, everday life is chugging along and that the reconnected A has all the elements of the original feelings, the who they see themselves as and an (was going to use fantasy but that would be insulting) A relationship that has all the angst and dreaming without all the everyday. Don't know if I am explaining myself right here, may come back after a coffee or three!

 

I think of who I was when I was younger, I had a devil may care attitude, rode motorbikes, slept under the stars and generally was a very free spirit type. This is who my ex basis his idea of who 'seren' is, but while there is obviously an element of that in my make up, I indulge that with H by our sleeping outside in the summer and living our very rural existence, I also still dance to the music in my head, but usually with H and I couldn't get my leg over a motorbike if I tried! So while the ex knew the young seren it is only my H who knows me now and has weathered the storms of life with me and so we have grown together.

 

I find it interesting that since the internet and since it is easier to maintain hidden relationships that many start and I wonder if it took phone calls and letters whether such effort would be put into them. Again, every situation is different and while I am sure that there are many broken marriages that end when an old love reappears, but equally, I think the looking back may mean some people aren't happy with who they have turned out to be and maybe the reconnected relationship allows them to be that. I remember when H used to go away on long dets, the letters said so much of what we felt, but didn't say in quite the same way when the 9 till 5 took over and the meeting up after a long time away was, well let's say busy.

[beenburned]

Seren,

 

This is a very thought provoking thread that can be looked at from many angles!

 

My HS sweetheart/fiancee was a year older than me. We dated for 3+ years with some break ups in between. During these brief break ups we both dated other people.

 

Most all of the break ups were caused by his anger issues over small stupid stuff!

 

In the last year, when we were engaged to be married, it suddenly dawned on me that after marriage I would be dealing with his anger on a daily basis. I eventually broke our engagement off based on this fact.

 

I find it so sad because this was the only thing that caused us problems. I loved him a lot. Looking back now that I am much older, I think immaturity played a big part in how he dealt with problems.

 

I sometimes wonder if I had just waited until we were older and more mature, if we would have worked out. I hate to say this, but I had a lot more in common with him than I have ever had with my long time H.(who I only dated long distance)

 

HS boyfriend/ fiancee graduated at the top of his class(college) and became a very successful engineer. He has been married twice. I heard rumors that his first wife divorced him because of his anger issues.

 

Now back to my reunion: Many of my guy friends there came up to me and told me how much they had liked me in HS. But they were too shy to ask me out on a date! I was so surprised by this fact! I told them I would have definitely gone out with them if they had asked me back then.

 

The 2 other guys I dated between break ups were not at the reunion.

I had a great time reminiscing with all my HS friends. H also had a fun time and told me he had more fun at mine than his reunion.

 

My point is "How much does our youth and immaturity play in our relationships/judgements"?

 

If I had went to HS with long time H, I would have never married him because he had a "bad boy" reputation.(I was an old fashioned good girl)

Edited July 20, 2012 by beenburned
took out word

[SoMovinOn]

I seem to remember there being a reason you went with another girl. I don't want to post it here, especially since I am not certain, but wasn't it so?

 

(Not saying that you weren't "young and stupid". )

 

Well, there were actually quite a few reasons, and all of them were based on me being young and stupid.

[SoMovinOn]

And I agree with you -- I am so blessed to be where I am and with the man I am with - we share our life together - IN PERSON - and don't need to rely on a text, sexting, or skype. I personally could never live my life that way; nor could I handle knowing my man is sharing HIS life with someone else...IN PERSON.

 

Millions of people in the military, people working on oil rigs, on ships out at sea, and a multitude of other careers that keep them away from the one they love, are very glad that not all people are like you and can only handle a relationship IN PERSON. People who are that needy, generally end up having affairs when their spouse is away.

[MissBee]

I recently went to a reunion of old military friends, H came, but did his own thing when I went to the do. My ex H was there, we had married way back when I was just 21 and divorced 3 years later, it was a mistake and while we parted on good terms, we just should never have got married. I never heard from him nor he me, we just got on with our lives.

 

We chatted at the reunion as old friends, along with others, the 'remember when ...' stuff. Ex H, as the night went on, began talking more about 'us' than our military time, a lot of what he said happened, but he had very different memories than I. The way he was talking it was like he was saying, if we had only worked on us, that we were soulmates and all that baloney. I tell ex H that while we had, had a great time, that we had both changed, both had different lives and, more importantly, were both happily married, well I was at least. He asks to see me again, I tell him to jog on (or words to that effect) and that he has drank too much and should ring his wife.

 

So, I ring H and say come get me. I tell H what ex H has said and he said that he has seen a lot of this amongst his old friends. The trying to recapture a time when they didn't have responsibilities, kids, a mortgage, a long term relationship. H and I discussed how the internet, especially social networking, has given people an opportunity to meet up and that before the internet, most wouldn't even think of contacting an ex or even give them a moment's thought.

 

I tend to agree and listening to ex H all I could think of was that if what we had, had was so dammed great we wouldn't have got divorced and that he had this image of me when I was younger, fitter (no creaky knees) and a party, party person. I just wasn't who he thought I was, I have grown and TBH, he had changed too and not into someone I could ever imagine being with.

 

I wondered if a lot of rekindled relationships, especially when there is an A and especially when the A is Long Distance, if the dream or memory is the lure and not the reality. I also wonder if the reconnecting with an old, old flame means that some people feel they can recapture or maybe revisit the you they used to be too. I think of my parents and how mature they were compared to a lot of people today, especially those trying to hang on to youth and their idea of who they really are. There is of course, nothing wrong with maintaining a youthful outlook, but sometimes I see people hanker after what was and not reconcile with who they are now. I wondered if a rekindled relationship from way back is part of this - I also thank God I am where I am, with whom I am and my place in life.

 

 

I think this is indeed the case for a lot of people...reliving the nostalgia and not actually looking at the person and situation for what it is today.

 

Most of the rekindled A stories I see start off with the old lovers reconnecting via social media, discussing how their current relationship/life is not so great, they fish around the ex, and if both of their lives aren't great, they have the perfect reason to escape into the past. It is no doubt easier to rationalize and start an A with someone you already know, and spin it as long lost loves and soulmates than it is to do so with someone you just met. However, like you, if you are currently happy with your life, then the fishing expedition falls flat for that other person, as you simply don't encourage it.

 

I don't believe in lost loves and I think all relationships that end, end for a reason. I especially don't comprehend someone feeling like a person they dated in their early teens and haven't spoken to in decades, is their lost love. I barely even count my high school relationships as "true love" and frankly, if I were to ever meet up with some guy I used to date as a teenager, it wouldn't be "rekindled" but it would be us meeting each other on NEW terms as adults. It's not us picking up where we left off in high school...that is weird. I'm an adult. Not a teenager anymore and it would be a complete restart.I do believe one can reconnect with an old ex and start a new relationship, but for that to be believable to me as a remarkable example of "true love", it would have to be that they come together with the right circumstances- not a case where the person has some horrible marriage or life and wants an A with you to smooth the edges of the life they have and the marriage, that for all intents and purposes, they plan to continue being in.

 

I have no desire to rekindle with anyone from my past, and I'd especially be suspicious of myself if the reconnection was happening at a time when I felt lonely or unhappy with my life, as that is a recipe for escapism. Funnily, an ex of mine got into contact with me a few weeks ago and I was at first happy to hear from him, as we had parted amicably and he was a cool guy. I wasn't thinking anything romantic at all, just friendly. We hadn't spoken much in 7 years and he was interacting with me as though no time had passed, and was attempting to reignite the old flame and talk about how we could work out and why didn't we. I became rather annoyed because I felt like he was not seeing me for who I was today, 7 years later, but simply superimposing back then on to now and inflating it into more than it really was. I would not date him now and where I am in my life, where he his, my philosophies on life etc are not the same as his. I think he's going through a rough patch job wise and he also broke it off with his fiance earlier in the year. I believe all that is influencing him to make "our story" seem like the fairytale that could have been and may still be --- but it isn't . Initially it was flattering and the thought did cross my mind like hmmm...maybe there is something to this. I'm single, he's single. But as we continued speaking I realized why sleeping dogs should be left alone. Had I been at a different place though, I may have ran down memory lane with him and into a relationship that I'd later regret. But from the place I'm in now, I'm pretty self-aware and realized immediately that this was more of a fantasy steeped in nostalgia and not anything relating to the realities of now.

Edited July 21, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I agree with you Seren. I see 'rekindled' relationships as something many do when they have no one else in their life. They are alone and unhappy so they do what they can to rekindle a relationship that has been dead for years!!!

 

And I agree with you -- I am so blessed to be where I am and with the man I am with - we share our life together - IN PERSON - and don't need to rely on a text, sexting, or skype. I personally could never live my life that way; nor could I handle knowing my man is sharing HIS life with someone else...IN PERSON.

 

 

We all know your affair is long distance; with very few 'meetings'. Since those are few and far between, maybe you are just holding onto the memory of incredible sex? Maybe because your affair is LD you are more in a fantasy land versus reality? I know you love "Neo", but you aren't in his life - IN PERSON - on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly basis. You really know very little of how he conducts his life except for what he shows you when he is at work. I wonder if because of the infrequent - IN PERSON - contact, you have put it all on a pedestal? Kinda like when teenager girls have a crush on a young movie star and they idolize everything about him because of what is shown to the public about that person; as opposed to actually knowing the person days in and days out?

 

There are many cases of 'rekindled' love (thanks to facebook) that crash and burned...its all fun and games when people are being sneaky and thinking that they are getting a 2nd chance and all that...but from MY viewpoint, it is hanging onto something because better to have that fantasy relationship than to admit you (general you) are really lonely and unhappy. I think when people are depressed and have little in their life, they end up inventing all sorts of things to make them feel better

 

I do know of a case of 'rekindled' love....then again, I doubt the first time around it was 'love'. My 94 year old grandfather had a 'girlfriend' in first grade... It was all cute. He moved away. My grandfather married my now dead grandmother when they were 18. She died when he was 70. He moved back to his hometown and ended up dating and marrying his 1st grade girlfriend :laugh: (she had married at 19 and her husband died when she was 65 - so they both were widowers when they met again) They were married for 20 years and she died 4 years ago. I guess some will say that what they had was rekindled love, but I sure wouldn't call it rekindled love. Just opportunity :laugh:

 

Awww that's cute

 

That's what I mean when I say the rekindled stories I believe or think are romantic and worthwhile are stories like these. Where the circumstances are right. They were both widowed, he moved back, they got together, married and were together for 20 years until she died. All that transpired seems like awww this was rekindled and "meant to be". However, when someone tells me they have rekindled and are now in an affair with someone who is probably never leaving their spouse....how is that romantic and an example of true love beating the odds and expanses of time? It's not IMO...it's not anymore special or romantic than any other affair, except you knew them years ago.

 

So life brought you back together to be in an affair forever? That just seems like a cruel joke. It seems very unfortunate for you that you lost your lost love and "got them back", but the catch is that now they're married to someone else and you have to have a secret relationship---you just can't win.

Edited July 21, 2012 by MissBee