Me and my problem *long and looking for observations*

[clause]

so this is my first post and well here goes. im not to sure if this is just selfish thing but i want some observations, in particular my (or lack there of) love life

 

as a warning, more than likely this is going to be long and tedious but to me feels relavent to what i am trying to portray (prob just me wanting to rant really:o)

 

to begin, im 19 at the time of writing this, one year out of trades university, single, no job, live at home blah blah blah. i live at home with my parents cuz the university/trades school is 4 blocks from my house. i am an automotive apprentice and if u are one or know one chances are u know what the job market is like (cant find work for year 1 apprentice) and more than likely this is where the majority of my "crap" if u will comes from. ive always been a shy person but one that you could talk to if engaged. i have a few really good friends but as of recent haven't had much contact with, for the reason is that i live in almost like a blindspot between 2 towns...kinda hard to explain with out giving out too much personal info...my high school is 10km away so in short i cant walk down the street really to hang with some friends.

 

as for the reason i have lost contact, i am a self admitted car nerd and well my car takes up a fair bit of my life. (drifter for some background) i was in a car accident at the end of summer 2011 that left me un-hurt but with a totaled car. from that time until about 2 months ago i have rebuilt a new car from the parts of the old one...this is where i lost contact with a lot of people. i still had the odd time where a friend would come over for a day and we'd work on my car or theirs or whatever but not too often because most of the time they or i would have to drive roughly 10-20 min to get to the other. so this made it kind of impractical.

 

now i should point out that i kinda have like two sets of friends, one from high school and before, and the ones from university that are also self professed car nerds. this is also a recuring trend through out my life. during high school i always seemed to bounce between groups of friends, never really finding a group that i could be a part of, the guy that everyone knew, but not like best friends with. whether this comes from me being shy or not i dont know.

 

now as you would imagine this "bouncing" between groups of friends made it hard to meet girls. ive been on one date (set up by a mutual frend that went ended after the first date), never kissed a girl, and if u count asking a girl out then not doing anything for a month and calling off a girlfriend then sure, ill take it. however there is an exception to this that should be mentioned. in grade 12/ senior year whatever you wana call it, as with most people was looking for a grad/prom date. i ask a girl to grad, she said yes and we became pretty good friends from there (we had a class each day together so easy to socialize with and she was the best friend to my really good friend's girlfriend), but never went out with her on a date cuz of our locations being clear across town and (my city take like 40 min to drive across by car so its big) and she being kind of a sheltered girl, skip a couple months to grad dinner dance, had a good time dance with her a couple of times and after my friends sycing me up, i asked her to dance with me on kinda a slow song, u know something slow and intimate, and we did, but half way through she said to me while dancing that we were just doing this as friends.....needless to say i wanted t find the darkest corner and just hide, but finished the song and everything got awkward after that. like i didn't abandon her for the rest of the night but not spending as much time together....still a little awkward to this day because we do see each other about once every 2-3 months because the 2 above.

 

alright so now that ive got that off my chest and if uve made it this far without giving up, then comes university. fairly uneventful other than a blind date that went nowhere. now with a combination of me being shy, the grad thing, and the year and a bit searching for a job in a market that was supposed to be needing low level people when i started uni. that has turned out unsuccessful i have fallen out of touch with a lot of my friends and have gotten pretty depressed cuz i feel so alone most of the time and it being summer, i was a pretty active person...not to the point of doing something everyday but enough to make me feel happy before this past 9 months, this is where ive ended up. ive gotten to the point where i find myself just thinking about being alone most of the day and yearning for someone to the point ive begun to sleep with a pillow in my arms just so i can pretend that im hugging someone when i go to sleep

 

so if you have any insight, experience with this or knowledge on any of the above please leave a response thanks

 

-clause

Edited May 29, 2012 by clause