Why is young pregnancy more acceptable than young marriage?

[setsenia]

I've seen this time and time again, but it really irritates me that people tend to glorify young motherhood and make a huge deal if you choose to get married. If you're pregnant at 18, you'll be showered with congratulations and glory like being pregnant that young is no big deal. HOWEVER, tell someone you're engaged at 18, you'll get all kinds of rude questions why "Why?" "Are you pregnant?" "Does he have money?" and etc. Someone assumed that I HAD to be pregnant. So I cannot decide to get married because I want to? To me, getting pregnant at 18 is a much bigger deal than getting married. If for whatever reason, it doesn't work out, there's always divorce. Once you have a baby, you're life is permanently changed forever and there's no going back. You are a mother or father forever and have to devote 18 years of raising a child when you're barely legal yourself. What makes pregnancy at a young age so much more acceptable than getting married?

[Emilia]

I think both are wrong. The 'just a divorce' is not that easy, if that happens it emotionally scares you for years to come, trust me I'm speaking from exprience. The feeling of guilt is immense as well as the sense of failure. Just read posts about failed marriages here to understand how some never get over it.

 

I think there should be a law preventing people to get married or have children before the age of 25. J/k but only just.

 

It annoys me that some people see kids as less of a commitment than marriage. I know couples who had children together but dragged their feet for ages before getting married. That's just the most bizarre thing.

[setsenia]

Yeah and most often, especially in young parenthood, the parents almost always break up or if they didn't have a serious relationship, they never really get together.

[HeartCure]

Although it may seem that they are glorifying you if you are pregnant then getting married,there's still the fact that the pregnant women will still have to take care of the child which would require money, time and care which obviously she may not be supplied one f the above since she's not legally married to whoever gave her that child and if he decides to leave,it would be a big blow to her and the child when he/she grows up.Yet again getting pregnant at such a young age means you would either be happily carrying that child to university or you would have to start trying to get some income since you need the money to support the child.

[setsenia]

Good point. So with the above said, why are so many people so happy for her? Is it more acceptable than if she were not pregnant and getting married?

[FitChick]

I think both are bad but pregnancy is worse. In marriage, both are adults and can decide what they want to do. If it doesn't work out, they can start their lives over.

[Eddie Edirol]

Marriage is worse at 18 because adults with experience know that the marriage will most likely not last. So they discourage it, knowing it can be stopped. No one is mature enough to know what they are getting into at 18 years old. Its worse odds than marriage of mature adults.

 

If someone is pregnant, well, its too late to admonish the mother, so she gets supported. BUT, the family of a young mother usually isnt very together anyway, which is why she is pregnant in the first place, and she usually doesnt get much support when the baby is born anyway.

 

So whether youre pregnant or married at 18, neither one is a good thing.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think either is good, however pregnancy is more accepted because there is an innocent third party (unborn baby) vs girl and boy who fall in love and want to get married. There is nobody "innocent" in that scenerio, they CHOSE to get married knowing the risks and consequences. Nobody really feels they HAVE to support a young engaged couple because they are only going to effect themselves.

 

People may not WANT to support a young pregnant girl, however they feel as though they have to for the sake of the child. The child didn't chose to be born to a young mother, so the thought is "why make the child suffer for the mother's mistake?"

[stillafool]

I can't imagine anyone being happy for an 18 year old unwed mother.

[stillafool]

Good point. So with the above said, why are so many people so happy for her?

 

 

Who is her?

[Els]

I feel far, far more gutted whenever I hear of a child being abandoned, or having grossly incompetent parents, than I do whenever I hear about a divorce. It's terribly, terribly sad. Parenthood is THE ultimate commitment, IMO. You can default on a work contract, divorce a marriage - yes, both with pretty heavy consequences, but they aren't completely unthinkable. I don't think anything justifies being a bad parent or abandoning your child.

 

That being said, I know people who had kids at 18 (rare in developed societies, but it happens), and I don't think they were worse parents than many 30+ year olds, even. There are always exceptions to the rule, and I don't think anyone's personal choices should be regarded as 'unacceptable' if they have thought through and believe themselves capable of handling the consequences of their decisions.

[setsenia]

I don't really think this has to do with the child in particular, being it innocent or a third party, but rather with preventatives widely available, the choice people are making to become parents at a young age. (Having unprotected sex very young without thought of the consequences) and making that act seem more acceptable than two responsible adults choosing to get married. It's amazing how many people I know who are popping out children right after high school and living off wic and food stamps. Most of these people have a hard time going back to school (if they do) or holding down a full time job. Especially if you're a single mother or father, it's going to be hard to do those things with a young baby at home. Getting married didn't stop me from going to college or working full time and doing what I want to do. But once you have a child involved, you have to put them in front of your needs. You can still be a little selfish when you're married, but not when you have a baby. Because more serious consequences are involved with parents who are unable to take care of their children. Custody taken from them etc etc.

[setsenia]

Who is her?

 

The pregnant mother.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't really think this has to do with the child in particular, being it innocent or a third party, but rather with preventatives widely available, the choice people are making to become parents at a young age. (Having unprotected sex very young without thought of the consequences) and making that act seem more acceptable than two responsible adults choosing to get married. It's amazing how many people I know who are popping out children right after high school and living off wic and food stamps. Most of these people have a hard time going back to school (if they do) or holding down a full time job. Especially if you're a single mother or father, it's going to be hard to do those things with a young baby at home. Getting married didn't stop me from going to college or working full time and doing what I want to do. But once you have a child involved, you have to put them in front of your needs. You can still be a little selfish when you're married, but not when you have a baby. Because more serious consequences are involved with parents who are unable to take care of their children. Custody taken from them etc etc.

 

The rate of teen pregancy has actually decreased SIGNIFICANTLY, however the divorce rate has not. So IMO that means that teenagers are taking precautions such as getting on birth control and are receptive to the education from schools. Couples who get married young and end up divorced is NOT decreasing because they aren't taking steps to prevent it. They are just going ahead and doing it.

 

I know that you got married young and it worked out, but the majority of the time it does not. Most couples that I know who married young (like 18, 19) are now either divorced or extremely unhappy and have very unhealthy relationships. So I would say that being pregnant young and married young can lead to unhappiness. I think you are a very rare exception.

[Cypress25]

I don't think young pregnancy is more acceptable, I just think people are more understanding because they know it was an accident. If an 18-year-old girl gets pregnant, you can safely assume she didn't do it on purpose. Marriage, on the other hand, is deliberate. No one gets married by accident.

 

So if you make the decision to get married and people think you're too young, they'll try to talk you out of it. Because that mistake can still be prevented. If you get pregnant and people think you're too young, what can they say? It's too late to talk you out of it and criticizing you won't do any good. All the congratulations that teen mothers get are insincere. No one is really happy for them (actually they probably pity them), but they don't want to make the poor girls feel bad. They're just trying to make the best of it.

 

Now, if a young girl decided that she wanted to get pregnant at 18, of course people would try to talk her out of it. Just like they're trying to talk you out of getting married so young. If you make a decision in advance, you'll get a lot of people telling you not to do it. So the moral of the story is, if you want to do something foolish, make it look like an accident.

[Nightsky]

Young marriage usualy leads to young pregnancy. Also getting married because a girl got pregnant often leads to more pregancy and a bad mariage that ends if they just got married beause of the pregnancy.

[setsenia]

I don't think young pregnancy is more acceptable, I just think people are more understanding because they know it was an accident. If an 18-year-old girl gets pregnant, you can safely assume she didn't do it on purpose. Marriage, on the other hand, is deliberate. No one gets married by accident.

 

I have actually gotten this answer before when asking this question elsewhere. It's a good point, since people can try and talk you out of it before it happens, as with pregnancy you can't. I know in a lot of cases some of these girls WANT a baby at 18. My mother was one of them and she realized later on it was a big mistake because she was not mature back then. She also got married at 21 and got divorced 7 years later. A lot of the girls I know who are young mothers also have a lot of same aged friends who are getting pregnant or are also young mothers. Maybe there is some sort of correlation. Like, "my friends are doing it, maybe I should too". And this can happen at any age. I have a friend who's 29 and all her friends are having kids, which is making her think about it more and more. Which is not always the best reasoning for having kids. You have to make sure you are ready for kids and decipher if it's your desire making you really want to have a baby or if it's peer pressure making you think you want one because everyone else is doing it.

[setsenia]

Young marriage usualy leads to young pregnancy. Also getting married because a girl got pregnant often leads to more pregancy and a bad mariage that ends if they just got married beause of the pregnancy.

 

Good point. A lot of people rush into marriage when pregnant and being that young, it's usually a bad idea. As much as I think people should be married when starting a family, IMO, usually when you top an accidental pregnancy off with marriage, it makes it much more difficult. A lot of comittment at a very young age. I have actually been with my H for 6 years, married for 4 and no kids. I was brought up and taught that getting pregnant very young was a horrible thing and that I would need to at least get through college and be financially stable first.

[silvermane187]

Because you can get pregnant by accident, you can't get married by accident. Either one is retarded though.

[sally4sara]

I think that neither is more acceptable than the other for the most part, but the way people respond is based on what can and can't be done about both situations.

 

You meet an 18 year old woman who tells you she is engaged and PLANNING to get married soon. One could think its wrong and try to reason with her because she isn't married yet.

 

You meet an 18 year old woman who tells you she is pregnant. Not planning to be but already is pregnant. People are much less likely to launch into a lecture when the only option available to that situation is an abortion. Instead, they just say "congratulations!" and keep their opinion about her age to themselves.

 

People assumed when I got married at 19 that I was pregnant when I was not. They clearly felt 19 was too young for marriage. Due to the problems that relationship had as well as the problems others who married young often have, I too believe it is much too young for such a step for most people.

 

I had a child just before I turned 24 and I look younger than my age. Often when someone learns I have a boy about to turn 15 they immediately assume I got pregnant in high school or right after and have strong opinions about that as well. So really, both situations are frowned on.

[oldshirt]

Both are mistakes and the result of impulsiveness and poor decision making.

 

But as others have said, the pregnancy is often accidental and people are NOT actually accepting it and embracing it. They are simply trying to not rub salt into their wounds and are trying to support the baby and mother now that their is an innocent baby in the picture.

 

DO NOT CONFUSE SUPPORTIVENESS WITH ACCEPTANCE AND EMBRACE!!!

 

Now with marriage there is absolutely no reason on God's green Earth why an 18 should consider marriage unless there is a pregnancy involved....NONE. NOTTA. ZIPPO. ZILCH!

 

There is no reason to support it and no reason not to try to talk some sense into the people BEFORE they make the mistake.

[beenburned]

sally4sara,

 

I too got married at 19, and had 2 kids soon after.(was not pregnant when I married)

 

This was common among baby boomers.(especially if they didn't go to college)

 

I became a grandmother for the first time at 38.

 

My youngest grandchild just turned 9, and people still say they can't believe I'm a grandmother at all.

 

My grandchildren are also lucky enough to have had a long happy relationship with their great-grandparents.

 

I also am still married to the same person!

[setsenia]

DO NOT CONFUSE SUPPORTIVENESS WITH ACCEPTANCE AND EMBRACE!!!

 

Now with marriage there is absolutely no reason on God's green Earth why an 18 should consider marriage unless there is a pregnancy involved....NONE. NOTTA. ZIPPO. ZILCH!

 

There is no reason to support it and no reason not to try to talk some sense into the people BEFORE they make the mistake.

 

Getting married just because you're pregnant is a bad idea. Not only are you getting married young, but throwing a baby into that mix will make it a lot worse. Having to commit to a child and a husband because you made the mistake of having a child too young is a bad idea. You should be getting married because you WANT to. Those are the marriages that last. We don't need more marriages for convenience adding to the divorce rate.

 

If someone told me they were getting married at a young age, unless they were my child, there is no reason for me to get into their business and tell them what they should and shouldn't do. If it doesn't last, then they learn from their mistakes. Divorce isn't the end of the world. Having a child however is not something you can go back on.

[setsenia]

sally4sara,

 

I too got married at 19, and had 2 kids soon after.(was not pregnant when I married)

 

This was common among baby boomers.(especially if they didn't go to college)

 

I became a grandmother for the first time at 38.

 

My youngest grandchild just turned 9, and people still say they can't believe I'm a grandmother at all.

 

My grandchildren are also lucky enough to have had a long happy relationship with their great-grandparents.

 

I also am still married to the same person!

 

beenburned, good point. My mom was one of them. Got married at 21 and had 2 kids by 23. She also didn't go to college. She did get divorced 7 years later, but that was because of amicable differences and my dad really never wanted children.

[beenburned]

setsenia,

 

I do believe many of the problems we faced in the early years were due to immaturity.

 

Looking back with hindsight, I should have waited until I finished college and was out on my own.

 

I feel that would have given me the confidence of knowing I could support myself without a man.(as a young woman)