Layla Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Hi A few of you may already know a little bit about me. I have been with my boyfriend for about 17 months. He's cool and 100% committed to me; doing the right sort of things and giving me so much love. My problem is that I cannot cope with his past. As I said he didn't do anything wrong in the last 17 months but only treats me with a lot of respect and love. (of course we fight, but manage to sort out things fairly quickly). My boyfriend (unlike me) had quite a "wild" past. He had a few one night stands and also jumped in bed with 2 or three business partners of his. He agrees that it wasn't smart but doesn't regret. As I said, this was long before my time and he tells me now how he has never been so happy before and how he loves the stability and love he receives through me. He says he isn't proud of his past but can't change it either but definitely prefers what he has now a million times to what he had before. The other day he said that making love to me is the best thing ever, because he is so close to me and that it cannot by any means be compared to a one night stand. My problem is that I am haunted by this past. I have never had a one night stand (because I couldn't sleep with someone I don't love). Fact is that I keep asking him about every woman we meet, whether he slept with her as well. I don't let go and say:"why did you sleep with her? Oh, she is such a cheap bitch, etc" I called him a "sleazebag" the other day! It just drives me mad that my boyfriend was so "indifferent" with something that is so precious to me (making love). And I HATE those women who just jumped in bed with him! We were at a wedding on the weekend and there was a small chubby business client of his who was so sweet to me, bla bla bla; saying "oh, i've known your boyfriend for quite a while, isn't he a nice person....." Me and my boyfriend (like so often) had the most romantic weekend, he took my hand in church when our friends said their vowels, we danced all night in the beautiful marquis, he told me how he adores and loves me so much that it hurts but all I could think about is whether he slept with that boisterous business chick, who happens to be in the marquis, as well or not? I was touchy and snappy all weekend when he gave me the most incredible smiles and affection! Guys help!!!!! I am destroying my relationship. I called him a sleazebag yesterday, due to his past. He sat down with me, looked me in the eyes, and for the first time in 17 months said, that I was slowly destroying the love he had for me by going on about this! What is it that haunts me? Why does it haunt me? He treats me so well, but I still can't let go!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 I don't know why this haunts you but if you are unable to forgive and forget, particularly things that happened long ago and don't concern you, you will not make a good marriage partner for anybody. People are flesh and blood human beings and they do a lot of things that others may judge harshly if they choose to do so. If you can stop judging your partner's past and judging others as well, you are in for a life of hell because human beings are the only ones the law will allow you to marry. Unfortunately this guy told you the truth. Most guys, knowing exactly this kind of responce is possible, will keep their mouths shut. I suggest urgent counselling for you because, as I said, if you obsess over things like this...marriage may not be something you ought to consider. Over time, you will find out things about every man you may not like so much. Humans are free, they make mistakes, they can be wild, the experiment, all part of growing and maturing. Stuff like you are troubled about is mostly irrelevant to the person they end up to be. If you hold stuff against them that they did as they were evolving, whoa.....you are a harsh judge (NOT a personal attack, you need to know this). Perhaps you ought to hunt for a mate on another planet. Please consider therapy for this and also please consider some kind, old fashioned forgiveness if you really want to be married to a homosapien. Just let it go, forget it, and be happy. You are doing this to yourself. Your guy has done nothing wrong to you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted November 6, 2003 Author Share Posted November 6, 2003 Toni, Thanks so much!! You have really hit the problem "I am doing this to myself"! I am torturing myself again and again and again! When I have a partner by my side who is ready to give me so much warmth and kindness I find something to attack him with and push him away telling him what a sleazebag he is for sleeping with someone years before he met me! He said exactly the same thing, that he was being punished for being so honest and that there are lots of guys out there who have one night stands but lie about it. I don't believe in counselling! Maybe I should start swallowing some good old prozac and finally give my boyfriend a break! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 I can sort of relate to how you're feeling. I've always taken sex very seriously, and like yourself, never had sex with someone I wasn't in love with/who didn't love me. I'm 36 and can proudly say I've never had a one night stand, never even had an inkling of a desire to. Sometimes I've wondered if maybe it's that I'm maybe not a very sexual person? but I think it's more about morals and how I was raised.....and having respect for myself and my body, and being able to look myself in the mirror. My current boyfriend is very open about the fact that he had his share of one night stands when about 10 years ago (and when younger than that)...how going to the bar and "picking up women" was something he regularly did, even having had a threesome and having no regrets about having tried it then. It sort of bothers me, as he's been almost TOO forthright with this info......sometimes even making comments now about how if he just wanted sex, he could easily go to the bar and find someone. We're not at the point where we're in love......but I can't help but feel a little ?resentful that it seems like sex doesn't have the meaning, to him, that it has to me. I want sex with me to be something very special...unlike sex he's had with anyone in the past, but I don't think that's possible, because of the way he talks about it in general. He's even given me details about things he's done in the past with other girlfriends...to the point where I once had to hang up on him because I was disgusted to hear that crap....and I had to tell him that we all have boundaries and I have no desire to know the intimate details of his past relationships. I have no advice for you, I'm sorry..but just wanted to let you know that I can relate a lot to how you're feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
ks7997 Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 You are quite lucky. Most people never come across people who love them unconditionaly and as whoely as he does you. But his past is just that, HIS past. You were not a part of that, but the part of his life that now involves you does not even reflect his past. What you have is the epitamy of love that everyone wants. To so selfishly hold his past against him is not fair both to you and him. You beat yourself up over things he's been honest with you about which reflect you in no way, and they tear him up becuase you are building this wall that keeps him from being able to give you that unconditional love. Just realize what you have is extremely special, and you do ave it. Right now. Keep that in mind, it is right now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted November 6, 2003 Author Share Posted November 6, 2003 Thank you so much for your answer!! Last night I was SOO scared of losing him! He said that he feels betrayed by being so committed to me. His friends say he's never been so happy before and they love me for that. So, I'm aware that I have found someone who hasn't let me down once in 17 months, wakes up in the morning and first thing he says is:"You make me so happy. I love you". Last night he said that he feels betrayed as he has done so much for me (I'm not trying to exagerate, but it is true) and that all I do is torpeding our relationship with things that haven't got the SLIGHTEST significance to him or me! I need to try to focus on here and now or I'll lose him. I wasn't worried before when I was a bitch telling him that only weak losers have one-night-stands and all the nasty rest! I was never of actually losing him, as he seemed so in love and happy around me, forgiving me for my nasty ways. Not because he has to be with me. He is- for sure- more successful and girls chase him but because I was just really lucky to have found a person like him. If I screw this one up I know that I will never find someone like him again. Wish me LUCK :-) Link to post Share on other sites
ks7997 Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Absolutely!!! The best of luck to you, and wish us luck as to finding someone equsally as wonderful!! Keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 I don't believe in counselling! That's a mistake. Counsellors have learned techniques to help people such as you fix their 'broken' thinking. They can also help you figure out why you are using this tactic to push this man away. There could be something behind that, too. You don't really need luck. You need to get to the bottom of why you are doing what you are doing and fix it and if that takes counselling, go for it and FAST. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 I agree strongly with moimeme and tony.... a counsellor will help you and guide you through finding out exactly why you have issues with his past. If you think taking a lil pill is going to solve it, your the kind of people the pharmacists love.... as well as the doctors eager willingness to prescribe medication to people who dont actually need it and may just need counselling.... i hated the thought of going to a marriage counsellor as i feared that everyone would know we had marital problems and that counselling was just overrated. it took me a long time to actually go.... and im telling ya im glad i did.... it was the best move i ever made not only for myself but for my family as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted November 6, 2003 Author Share Posted November 6, 2003 Thank you all so much for trying to help me. Maybe I should see a counsellor as really, the closer I feel to my boyfriend (especially since we have moved in together) I push him away whenever we get close. I hurt him about anything and come up with anything he has done that upsets me. (As I can't find anything wrong he does to me; I even go back into his past!) There is something wrong with me and I torture myself to a point where I could scream! Accusing him over and over again of things he does wrong. My dad died when I was 18. He left the family and you can imagine where he went. Maybe that has got something to do with it? Thanks guys. I will take counselling into consideration Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 Hello Layla.... Like you, I have put my relationship with a man who loves me very much at risk, by going on about the past. In my case, it isn't about sexual stuff, but about the fact he has been married before to a childhood sweetheart and I get jealous (you may have read some of my other responses and posts on the subject). He loves me dearly, like you say your man does, however has reached a point where he says he cannot go on if I keep treating him the way I do, by constantly asking questions about every aspectof his former life. It has haunted me too...and I have been ruled by my own insecurities about my place in his life, and his plans to marry ME. As though I feel second best. I constantly compete with the ghost of his ex. I ask questions about her and their life constantly, to the point where he says he feels I dont trust him or the answers he gives me. He has also accused me of picking on little things. (I think we do this out of fear and our own issues, because I know my man loves me, and has given me much reassurance on his feelings...it's like we look for possible faults). I have gone to counselling and I am getting over it. I dont have a choice, because otherwise I know I will lose the best relationship of my life. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And make an effort to stop the thoughts and worries when they come in. Always remember what you will lose otherwise. As for your issues with the sexual stuff, ironically, some time ago, my partner had those issues with me! He doesn't believe in sex outside relationships. Now, I have high ethics too, but have had a couple of flings. They were a learning experience for me and something I would not do again. I told him about these experiences I had had (in a naive bid to be honest and share things with him at the start etc) and he flipped out...called me names etc. It got bad, and I told him to get help, or we couldn't go forward. He did, and the issues were resolved. He learned that he can hold his own views, and doesn't have to agree with all my past choices, that they were part of my path and my learning and things that have shaped the person I am. Also, that he can respect who I am today, which is all that matters now. And he knows how much I love him and that I have good ethics. I thought these things might help you in your situation and in dealing with the differences in your bf's past, and your own past. It's true, he should not have to put up with your judgements, just as I didn't put up with it from my bf, and he now doesn't put up with my questioning about HIS past! Good luck. I know it can be hard...but you'll get over it, just as I am getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
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