How bad is saying "I love you" to someone who can't have you?

[Universe]

I was reading some threads here on LS and came across one that struck me. In it the person was talking about how much harder they fell in love with someone after that someone told them that they loved them.

 

I had an emotional affair last year that got a little physical before I ended it and confessed to my long-term girlfriend. In later confrontations between my girlfriend and the other woman, the OW emphasized how I had ruined her for other men by telling her that I loved her.

 

Now - I know that because I had an affair and told the other woman that I loved her, that many of you are going to think I'm a big fat jerk. And I was. And it's fine if you want to chastise me for it now. But I just want to offer a preemptive 'I KNOW I WAS A BIG FAT JERK' in case you feel like saving your air. I already feel plenty terrible about the whole thing and have been hating myself for it for over a year now.

 

So I told the other woman that I loved her. In fact, I told her I was in love with her. And I did so because it was true. A big part of me was in love her. But what I also knew was true at the time was that I was terribly conflicted - I was still in love with my girlfriend and deep down I knew that I would not leave her. I told the other woman this many times. But I learned that even though you feel something for someone, and that person desperately wants you to feel that something for them, that telling them the truth about how you feel can be a very terrible thing to do. Even though I repeatedly emphasized that I was still in love with my girlfriend and did not want to leave her, it didn't make my confession of love any less wrong.

 

So now that we've gotten the fact that I know I was a super stupid stupid idiot jerk of a loser out of the way, let me get to my question.

 

How damaging could it have been? She was crazy about me from the beginning. But did my telling her that I loved her send her over the edge? Did I really make it ten times harder for her to get over me by saying that?

 

I felt terrible about it at the time and still do. This all happened about one year ago and I'm still torturing myself over it. I know I deserve to feel bad about it. I'm just trying to understand and learn from all of this so I can be a better person in the future.

 

And right now I'm wondering if it really would have made that much of a difference to her if I'd kept the depth of my feelings for her to myself.

[TaraMaiden]

I think the fact that you've acknowledged you're a jerk, and why, really answers your questions, doesn't it?

 

or are you really quite obtuse as well?

I can't believe that....

[VicJay79]

Universe,

 

Saying I love you to a person has huge emotional weight. I am sure your quite young, but when you get older you will realize the responsibility you have to other people that 'with love and trust' give you their heart. Its not something to take lightly, and it is an honor to meet someone willing to give it.

 

 

 

 

I was reading some threads here on LS and came across one that struck me. In it the person was talking about how much harder they fell in love with someone after that someone told them that they loved them.

 

I had an emotional affair last year that got a little physical before I ended it and confessed to my long-term girlfriend. In later confrontations between my girlfriend and the other woman, the OW emphasized how I had ruined her for other men by telling her that I loved her.

 

Now - I know that because I had an affair and told the other woman that I loved her, that many of you are going to think I'm a big fat jerk. And I was. And it's fine if you want to chastise me for it now. But I just want to offer a preemptive 'I KNOW I WAS A BIG FAT JERK' in case you feel like saving your air. I already feel plenty terrible about the whole thing and have been hating myself for it for over a year now.

 

So I told the other woman that I loved her. In fact, I told her I was in love with her. And I did so because it was true. A big part of me was in love her. But what I also knew was true at the time was that I was terribly conflicted - I was still in love with my girlfriend and deep down I knew that I would not leave her. I told the other woman this many times. But I learned that even though you feel something for someone, and that person desperately wants you to feel that something for them, that telling them the truth about how you feel can be a very terrible thing to do. Even though I repeatedly emphasized that I was still in love with my girlfriend and did not want to leave her, it didn't make my confession of love any less wrong.

 

So now that we've gotten the fact that I know I was a super stupid stupid idiot jerk of a loser out of the way, let me get to my question.

 

How damaging could it have been? She was crazy about me from the beginning. But did my telling her that I loved her send her over the edge? Did I really make it ten times harder for her to get over me by saying that?

 

I felt terrible about it at the time and still do. This all happened about one year ago and I'm still torturing myself over it. I know I deserve to feel bad about it. I'm just trying to understand and learn from all of this so I can be a better person in the future.

 

And right now I'm wondering if it really would have made that much of a difference to her if I'd kept the depth of my feelings for her to myself.

[guy777]

A girl told me she loved me, and then about a month later tells me she's F'n other people. You're not the only big fat jerk out there. She'll get over it if she chooses to.

[carhill]

How damaging could it have been? She was crazy about me from the beginning. But did my telling her that I loved her send her over the edge? Did I really make it ten times harder for her to get over me by saying that?

 

I won't speak for women but, for myself, the dichotomy between words and actions in its totality has caused me to not believe women when they tell me those words. They've been used as tools of the trade too much in the past to garner any meaningful emotional response anymore. Actions, I watch actions. Very few actions line up with the words. One datapoint.

 

So, in that regard, such utterances have damaged an otherwise very loving and giving person. YMMV.

[VicJay79]

CarHill,

 

I totally agree. I have many of women utter these words to only break my heart later down the road. Dating b*tches can really ruin your viewpoint of not only the word LOVE, but faith in the oppsosite sex, and the meaning of LOVE.

 

I guess thats why we find ourselves on this site and not a site more geared towards sports, or other hobbies.

 

I won't speak for women but, for myself, the dichotomy between words and actions in its totality has caused me to not believe women when they tell me those words. They've been used as tools of the trade too much in the past to garner any meaningful emotional response anymore. Actions, I watch actions. Very few actions line up with the words. One datapoint.

 

So, in that regard, such utterances have damaged an otherwise very loving and giving person. YMMV.

[Universe]

it is an honor to meet someone willing to give it.

This is so true. And it was one of the most difficult parts about my ordeal. I did love the other woman and felt so fortunate to have found love for the second time. But the honor part is where I came up short. I felt honored. But I did not honor her back by showing respect for the love she gave. I loved her back. But still managed to dishonor her love for me. I should have been more responsible. Even though I loved her, I should not have said so.

 

Actually, I keep coming back to this notion of honesty and expression of your feelings. I can't seem to get it straight. I should not have told other woman the truth about how I felt unless I planned to leave my girlfriend. According to my shrink I should not have told my girlfriend how I felt about the other woman unless I planned to leave her.

 

Is that it? It's all about what you're actually going to do rather than how you feel. Your feelings help you decide what you should do. But you should not tell the affected parties how you feel until you've decided what you're going to do. And then if knowing the truth about how you really feel won't do them any good, then don't tell them at all.

 

I think I've gone through life doing this all backwards. I say how I feel. Then I collect information and advice from the affected parties. And then decide what I'm going to do. I should decide what I'm going to do first and express my feelings last - and only ever express my feelings if it benefits those who will hear them.

[Universe]

Also - in response to what you guys are saying about your experience with women who told you that they loved you only to reject you later on...

 

If you take my story as a reference, it's not a deception. I doubt these women told you they loved you in order to manipulate you. More likely, they actually did love you. Their mistake, like mine, was that they said so prior to deciding what they planned to do about it.

[carhill]

If there was a preponderance of loving actions to support the words, I would agree that there may have been love, meaning feelings of love. However, where people think relationships instead of feel them, words are merely a cognitive tool rather than a communication of emotion and impetus to action. Now I see it for what it is.

 

Example: the guy who spent 12 hours on the roof with me yesterday loves me and I him. We work side by side helping each other, listening to each other, being there for each other in life, no matter what. His *actions* say far more than his words. Now having had the benefit of a number of relationships and one marriage, I can safely and confidently state that *no* woman has ever remotely approached that kind of healthy love, regardless of their words and, trust me, I've heard plenty of 'I love you's' in life. Perhaps I've met more than my fair share of 'takers', but it is my life experience and I stand by it. One marked exception was a female best friend of a decade many years ago. Her actions put teeth into her words.

[Universe]

However, where people think relationships instead of feel them, words are merely a cognitive tool rather than a communication of emotion and impetus to action.

See - what's expressed in this quote is why I started this post.

 

The woman I had an affair with was a bit younger than me. We played together in a band. At first I wasn't attracted to her at all. I assumed she was a lesbian because of the way she dressed, wore her hair, and her overall attitude. So I thought all was safe. I quickly adopted her as I learned she'd had a very difficult life all the up to the point she met me. She was new in town and had no friends. I thought she had a lot of potential and wanted to help her. It became a sort of mentor-apprentice type of relationship. I was her main social outlet and I took her out and gave her as much attention as I could. Our love for each other was born out of this type of interaction over the course of a year.

 

So you see - to an outsider, it would have been obvious from my actions that I loved her. It could not have been more clear to me from her actions that she loved me. We loved each other through nothing but actions for an entire year. There was never any mention of our feelings for each other. She knew I was in a serious relationship and didn't expect me to leave it. I loved my girlfriend and had no intention of ever leaving her. The other woman and I were good friends and worked well together and it was mutually beneficial.

 

The problem came when we voiced our feelings for each other. The love already existed. The emotional affair was already in progress. But neither of us had acknowledged it to each other in words. Then we finally did. Shortly thereafter, things got physical. Then it got a little messy. Then I ended it.

 

The whole relationship was a problem from early on. The love was evident in our actions the whole time. But expressing it in words was the catalyst for things to become damaging. Then after the damage was done, the thing I am hated for is that I expressed my feelings in words, but didn't follow through with those feelings in the way she had hoped.

[carhill]

In your example, your actions matched your words. Presuming you were honest about your pre-existing relationship with another woman and your disinterest in leaving it, you showed actions of love, proactively sharing your knowledge and experience in music, as well as socializing with her. With multitudes of other women you were in contact with in your daily life, she received proactive actions of love from you. That you and she eventually had an inappropriate emotional and sexual relationship was a choice you both made that, in your words, became messy, so you ended it. This often happens.

 

The dynamic I'm addressing is the actions along the path, rather than the path's end. You showed loving actions along the path. You gave of yourself to her. The lack of this is the dearth I'm speaking to in my postings, or, worse, ersatz actions to gain a greater return; essentially, giving what is of little value in the pursuit of that of greater value. Selfish glutony.

 

I've published a few examples of this dynamic in my journals; some of the most marked of my 'learning curve'.

 

The clearest and most simplistic examples of this dichotomy is those who believe, merely by gracing me with their presence and using my genuine interest and love as a receptacle for whatever 'stuff' they have, they are showing love. Imagine the bag you choose to throw your trash into. Is that bag special or is it just convenient? You (in the general sense) could throw the trash on the floor but instead choose to use the conveniently located bag. It's a cleaner choice, for you. The bag itself is irrelevant; it's the purpose of the bag which motivates its use.

 

IMO, the lady with whom you had the messy EA and PA was not a trash bag which you just used, rather someone who benefitted from your love in words and actions, just not to the extent (perhaps a monogamous romantic relationship) that she desired. She could perceive you as 'bad' and she's entitled to that perception, but it doesn't appear supported by the evidence you've provided. If you had merely graced her with your presence and 'allowed' her to love you and used her for sex and dumped her, that would be closer to heading down the path that I'm speaking of; one of unhealthiness.

[Werequirl]

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[VicJay79]

Universe,

 

I am so proud of your post. You show a lot of growth, I didn't realize this until I was in my early 30's. I have hurt so many wonderful girls in my past because of my selfishness. The fact that you understand the concept of honoring someones love is a great start to yourself-development.

 

Honestly, this is where I am now. I look at my only job in my relationships is to make the person I am with happy. If it works out, that is awesome, and if it doesn't I can honestly NOT blame myself, as I was a guy of GREAT character

 

 

 

 

This is so true. And it was one of the most difficult parts about my ordeal. I did love the other woman and felt so fortunate to have found love for the second time. But the honor part is where I came up short. I felt honored. But I did not honor her back by showing respect for the love she gave. I loved her back. But still managed to dishonor her love for me. I should have been more responsible. Even though I loved her, I should not have said so.

 

Actually, I keep coming back to this notion of honesty and expression of your feelings. I can't seem to get it straight. I should not have told other woman the truth about how I felt unless I planned to leave my girlfriend. According to my shrink I should not have told my girlfriend how I felt about the other woman unless I planned to leave her.

 

Is that it? It's all about what you're actually going to do rather than how you feel. Your feelings help you decide what you should do. But you should not tell the affected parties how you feel until you've decided what you're going to do. And then if knowing the truth about how you really feel won't do them any good, then don't tell them at all.

 

I think I've gone through life doing this all backwards. I say how I feel. Then I collect information and advice from the affected parties. And then decide what I'm going to do. I should decide what I'm going to do first and express my feelings last - and only ever express my feelings if it benefits those who will hear them.