LonerGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I hear people complaining about putting labels on a relationship, but I don't understand what is so bad about them. I'm specifically talking about the boyfriend/girlfriend label. Wouldn't you want the person you're with to know where they stand in the relationship? Why would someone want someone that they care about be confused about what is going on? Why is it so bad to be someone's girlfriend or boyfriend? This is just a general question since this concept has always confused me. It's not a death sentence. To me it just means that there is good communication and you're not stuck with someone who doesn't know what they want. However, I'm open to opinions. I just want to know other people's thoughts on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 it's due to fear. Once you have that label you are vulnerable as is your heart and feelings and some are afraid of that. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 The boyfriend/girlfriend labels always felt highschoolish but as to exclusive/committed relationships, no sex without and even then, still no guarantees of sex! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonerGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 it's due to fear. Once you have that label you are vulnerable as is your heart and feelings and some are afraid of that. I didn't want to turn this personal, but I wonder if that is true for the guy I'm dating. More than 5 years ago he had a fiancee, but it didn't work out. He seems determined to be single, yet he wants to see me everyday. I want a relationship, but he doesn't know what he wants. I think he's scared of being hurt again where as he is the first guy I've ever particularly wanted to spend a lot of time around. I don't have any fear about a relationship for lack of any real experience, while he has had his heart broken. Sometimes dating is so annoying when, like me, you don't have any patience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonerGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 The boyfriend/girlfriend labels always felt highschoolish but as to exclusive/committed relationships, no sex without and even then, still no guarantees of sex! I've been confused about the whole exclusive thing. I won't date a guy unless we are exclusive, but that doesn't mean he is my boyfriend. I can see why labels are confusing though. Especially since I'm the type of person that can jump head first into a relationship without much fear. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Wouldn't you want the person you're with to know where they stand in the relationship? Why would someone want someone that they care about be confused about what is going on? Why is it so bad to be someone's girlfriend or boyfriend? Because with the label comes some sort of expected commitment, which means no more strange...so some people will hold out as long possible as to keep their options "open"... Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I didn't want to turn this personal, but I wonder if that is true for the guy I'm dating. More than 5 years ago he had a fiancee, but it didn't work out. He seems determined to be single, yet he wants to see me everyday. I want a relationship, but he doesn't know what he wants. I think he's scared of being hurt again where as he is the first guy I've ever particularly wanted to spend a lot of time around. I don't have any fear about a relationship for lack of any real experience, while he has had his heart broken. Sometimes dating is so annoying when, like me, you don't have any patience. I'm sure that is why he is scared. You owe it to yourself though to be with a guy who wants to be with you and have a real relationship. Tell him how you feel, while also sympathizing with him about his past heartbreak. By not saying anything he is assuming you are perfectly ok with how things are. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 it's due to fear. Once you have that label you are vulnerable as is your heart and feelings and some are afraid of that. This is me..even worse, saying I love you. I have it in me that, if I dont admit it, then it cant be taken away from me. After what Im going through with my ex, as much as I want to be able to be in another relationship, Im scared that the minute I do, Im just setting myself up for another heartbreak... Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Don't be afraid to ask for an exclusive/committed relationship. If he doesn't want one, then believe him. Fear of loss shouldn't drive your decisions. You can't lose what isn't yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 This is me..even worse, saying I love you. I have it in me that, if I dont admit it, then it cant be taken away from me. After what Im going through with my ex, as much as I want to be able to be in another relationship, Im scared that the minute I do, Im just setting myself up for another heartbreak... admitting the fear is a good start. Just keep in mind that we all have had our hearts broken. (Otherwise we wouldn't be here ) You eventually need to take a risk, otherwise you will sit wondering "what if". A heart will eventually heal too. The risks that I took that ended in heartbreak taught me alot about relationships and myself and made me stronger and more prepared for the next. Need to look at the positives of a heartbreak because there are some. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonerGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Don't be afraid to ask for an exclusive/committed relationship. If he doesn't want one, then believe him. Fear of loss shouldn't drive your decisions. You can't lose what isn't yours. Actually we are only dating and sleeping with each other. I made sure that he was on the same page as me with that before we even slept together the first time. If he said otherwise it would have never happened. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Actually we are only dating and sleeping with each other. I made sure that he was on the same page as me with that before we even slept together the first time. If he said otherwise it would have never happened.No, you're missing my point. You want a relationship but are afraid to ask for one. I'm saying that you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a relationship (don't confuse exclusivity with a relationship). Fear of loss drives most people. That's what's driving you to be afraid to ask. But if you're not in a relationship, how can you lose him? All you would lose is a pillow friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonerGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) No, you're missing my point. You want a relationship but are afraid to ask for one. I'm saying that you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a relationship (don't confuse exclusivity with a relationship). Fear of loss drives most people. That's what's driving you to be afraid to ask. But if you're not in a relationship, how can you lose him? All you would lose is a pillow friend. Oh, I see what you mean. We're exclusive, but I'm not sure if we're committed. When we first started seeing each other he asked me if I wanted a relationship. I said for the first time in a long time that I did want one. I'm really ready for one right now. However, he just started school after being out for 10 years and he said he wasn't sure if he could do that and be in a relationship. So I thought that was the end of what we had going on. However, since then it seems that he can't spend a day without me. We see each other everyday, and if on the off chance we don't he texts or calls me all day. He confuses me. It's like he's not sure what he wants, but he doesn't want anyone else to get to me. And I'm a sucker for the attention I guess. Plus I'm not interested in anyone else. And you're right. I am scared. I'm scared he'll see it as too much pressure. Especially since we're both in the middle of the semester. I don't know if I can wait until summer to figure out what is going on between us. Edited March 21, 2011 by LonerGirl Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 If a man is emotionally healthy, available, and ready for a relationship, he'll be happy to be the boyfriend of a girl he really likes and wants to have a relationship with. My boyfriend and I had agreed to be bf/gf within about four or five days of starting to date. But I have previously dated other men who didn't want to be my boyfriend or didn't want any serious involvement even though we were supposedly exclusive and had dated for a couple of months, sometimes even up to six months or more. For whatever reason, those men either didn't want a committed relationship or didn't want me, and I wish I'd broken up with them as soon as I realized that, instead of wasting my time. How long have you been dating this man? It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - he wants to date you and spend time together (and probably have sex with you), but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and actually be in a relationship with you. I would be tempted to kick him to the curb and replace him with an emotionally available man who does want a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonerGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 If a man is emotionally healthy, available, and ready for a relationship, he'll be happy to be the boyfriend of a girl he really likes and wants to have a relationship with. My boyfriend and I had agreed to be bf/gf within about four or five days of starting to date. But I have previously dated other men who didn't want to be my boyfriend or didn't want any serious involvement even though we were supposedly exclusive and had dated for a couple of months, sometimes even up to six months or more. For whatever reason, those men either didn't want a committed relationship or didn't want me, and I wish I'd broken up with them as soon as I realized that, instead of wasting my time. How long have you been dating this man? It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - he wants to date you and spend time together (and probably have sex with you), but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and actually be in a relationship with you. I would be tempted to kick him to the curb and replace him with an emotionally available man who does want a girlfriend. Sometimes I get this feeling too, but then I have others tell me I just need to take my time. We've only been dating six weeks. I think it would have been too quick for him to accept being my bf within the first week. We do have sex, but barely once a week. We are both really busy, but he always makes time for me. So that's why I'm confused. He puts in a lot of effort and even if he's had a bad day he'll come see me. The other day he was in school for 12 hours yet he had to get coffee with me for an hour. I didn't ask him too, it was his idea. But then I don't know sometimes. I figured its just because I'm impatient and I need to calm down. I'm not specifically looking for someone to date so I don't want to replace him with anyone else. I'm only interested in a relationship because of him. Otherwise I'd be fine by myself. I'm a loner and usually don't want to put in the 'hassle' of a relationship. But with him I would make the exception. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 You said you don't really know what he wants; you don't even know if he wants a relationship, yet you're having sex with him. You're really shooting yourself in the foot by playing all your cards before he does. I don't have sex with a guy unless he's my boyfriend; if we're just casually dating then obviously we don't sleep together. This goes a long way towards clarifying a man's mind about what he wants - he can't have his cake and eat it (i.e. he can't remain single and still get sex) so he has to make up his mind about whether he wants to be my boyfriend and have all the privileges that come along with that. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to be bf/gf when you've been dating and having sex for a couple of months. He wants all of the benefits of being your bf without any of the commitment, and you're letting him have them. He's already making excuses and saying he can't have a relationship while he's in school - but lots of people do, some people are married and in school, so if they can do it why can't he? Despite him saying he hasn't got time for a relationship, he clearly has judging by how often he sees you. He has you on the hook; you're giving him no-strings sex and companionship because you're hanging on hoping for more. I think you should have a talk with him, and potentially end things (i.e. stop wasting your time and affection) if he definitely doesn't want a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Nothing is wrong with labels. Often the problem lies in trying to push the label envelope too early. It's only been 6 weeks, so things are still really new. If both of you are still in the "you're scared, I'm scared" phase- trying to put a label on what you have is going to be difficult. It might take him some more time to warm up to the idea of commitment- especially if he's been hurt recently. What has worked for me in the past is just going with the flow early on. Concentrate on having fun instead of trying to put a label on things. If he's adamant about saying he doesn't want a relationship, but expects to see you everyday, and you oblige him when he's made that clear- he's going to see your behaviour as consent to have a fwb's arrangement. BUT, if he's just said he isn't sure- it may be that he simply needs more time to get to know you and he wants to see how things progress before making that commitment to you. If the latter is true, I'd give it more time. It's not unreasonable for a person to just want to take it easy after just 6 weeks of getting to know one another. When I met my current guy, things just progressed naturally. I don't even know how it happened, but one day (about 7 weeks into it) he introduced me to his family and called me his gf....and I just went with it. If you were 3 months in, I'd have different advice- but at 6 weeks, I just don't feel the need to push for a label. Link to post Share on other sites
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