Fed up with girlfriend smoking when she knows I hate it

[GreyKnightX]

I’m getting really fed up with my girlfriend’s continuing smoking habit. It is getting me down and putting me off her and I feel that something is going to give sooner or later.

 

Some people may think this is harsh and that if I love her I should accept everything about her, however the fact of the matter is that she kind of deceived me from the outset on the whole issue despite me making it very clear how much I hated smoking. That deception in itself is a point of concern for me, though I overlooked it due to her difficult past.

 

Anyway, here’s the deal. I met my girlfriend online through a dating website. We have a lot in common in terms of our personalities and social habits, however on her dating profile next to the “smoker” section she had listed herself as an “ex-smoker”. This says to me that she used to smoke but not any more. Had it said “smoker” I’m afraid I would have never contacted her.

 

She never smoked around me during the early dating stage – she obviously knew I disliked it and she probably didn’t want to spoil her chances. Shortly after we got together she revealed to me that she had “had her last cigarette” in an effort to fit in with my dislike of it. This was news to me as I didn’t think she smoked any more! Being an easy going guy I just accepted it then and things seemed fine for several months, however later I found out that due to the fact we didn’t live together she was simply not smoking when she knew she was going to be seeing me!

 

The day came when something stressful happened in her life and she said to me “I’m going to have to do something you won’t like” and she basically lit a cigarette in front of me. I couldn’t be anything but supportive because of her current situation, however my heart sank. She then spent the next four or five months smoking regularly, though she did at least not do it in front of me. She stank though and it really put me off her. I couldn’t be intimate with her or kiss her without feeling a physical revulsion.

 

Eventually we went on holiday abroad last year and right at the start of the holiday we had a heart-to-heart about it which resulted in her saying she was quitting then and there. She was moving in with me immediately after the holiday and I knew it had to stop. To her credit she did it, she didn’t smoke again. That was until a few months later when another stressful event occurred in her life which made her give in to the urge to have a cigarette. I brought the subject up with her again just after Christmas and she admitted that she had been having the odd one in secret for a couple of months (I had noticed that her car smelled of smoke). I asked her what her intentions were and she said that she was going to give up again in the New Year.

 

Well, it’s now February and she still hasn’t given up. I found a pack of cigarettes in her handbag last night and when she kissed me I could smell the acrid burnt smell on her breath.

 

It’s these things that I can’t believe she doesn’t realise give her away! A smoker only needs to have one cigarette and a non-smoker will smell it on them for the rest of the day! Cigarettes are really smelly things! No amount of chewing gum or mouth wash will get rid of the smell that comes from your lungs, it’s deep within them and you can’t conceal it.

 

I’m really fed up with it. I can’t tell you how much I despise smoking. She is talking about getting engaged and getting married and I’m just thinking “I can’t spend the rest of my life with a smoker”.

 

I’m worried about giving her the ultimatum “it’s me or the cigarettes”. Not because I think she’d choose the cigarettes but because I think she’d start off giving up, then once we were married start up again in the knowledge that there wouldn’t be much I could do about it any more without getting divorced.

 

It’s no good I suppose – I’m going to have to do it aren’t I?

Edited February 7, 2011 by GreyKnightX

[GPFan]

It’s no good I suppose – I’m going to have to do it aren’t I?

 

Yes, you will.

 

In fact, it's best to make decisions for yourself based on the assumption that she will be a lifelong smoker.

[denise_xo]

I’m worried about giving her the ultimatum “it’s me or the cigarettes”. Not because I think she’d choose the cigarettes but because I think she’d start off giving up, then once we were married start up again in the knowledge that there wouldn’t be much I could do about it any more without getting divorced.

 

It’s no good I suppose – I’m going to have to do it aren’t I?

 

The problem with this is that she would, effectively, choose the cigarettes. That's what addicted smokers do. My H is the same. He doesn't think twice about jeapordising my health by smoking at home. No matter how much I pleaded with him not to, he wouldn't stop. The only reason he doesn't smoke at home now, is that no smoking inside is stipulated in our rental contract, and the three times when he's tried to break that the landlord has been right there to clamp down on it (I wasn't home on any of those occasions). I won't leave him over it, but if I were to start all over again, smoking would be a deal breaker for me.

[curiousnycgirl]

Speaking as an ex smoker I will tell you that this is a tough one. I quit for my ex. When we broke up one of the first things I thought of was now I can smoke again! I didn't only because it is so expensive I said oh what the heck, let's see if I can stay quit - and so far I have - we've been broken up since September, and to tell the truth, I think I'm done smoking forever, but it is very hard.

 

I can honestly tell you that I think I am one of the very few, who truly and honestly loved smoking, never, ever wanted to quit, but did so because I wanted to please/keep my bf happy. On the other hand I never deceived him - we also met online and my profile said I was a smoker (although never inside) - and despite all my efforts, look where we are now. If I had it to do all over again, I think I would prefer to have never have met him, still be smoking, and yes I accept that my life span would be shorter. So what kind of lopsided delusional relationship did we have?

 

If your relationship cannot survive her smoking, my question to you is whether or not the relationship is that solid in every single other way, or are you just using smoking as the excuse at this moment? Once she quits smoking will it be something else? And then when she fixes that, will it be something else?

 

Be honest because if that is truly the only issue, you have found yourself a keeper and you should find a way around it until she finds a way to quit. If it's not the only issue, than be honest and work on the relationship holisitically.

 

Good luck to you guys.

[Lauriebell82]

I thnk the problem started when you accepted the fact that she deceived you with the smoking. You didn't break up with her when you found out she was smoking, and now are trying to get her to quit against her will. I understand how frustrated you must be, and it isn't your fault that she lied to you, but I feel that you have allowed it to continue.

 

If she doesn't have any desire to quit, then I don't know how effective an ultimatum will be for you. She most likely will chose the cigarettes.

Edited February 7, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[Eddie Edirol]

Yeah she planned on slowly working smoking back into her life, and she wont quit because of you. So you might as well leave her and let her smoke her life away, she doesnt want to quit. She wont quit while youre with her, she thinks you wont leave.

[Duckduckgoose]

Smoking is a dealbreaker in most relationships. Non-smokers usually don't stay with smokers long.

 

My stbxH, when we started dating, was a smoker. I made it clear from the start that he would have to quit before our relationship progressed much further. He did quit, little by little. The same month he stopped completely he proposed.

 

After he left me, he started smoking again almost immediately. The stress might have caused it, or he might have been wanting cigs so bad he felt compelled to leave me... probably some of both.

 

As a healthy non-smoker who is physically active, smoking holds far too many dangers not just to the smoker, but also to their mate and any children. Lung cancer, emphysema, high blood pressure, stroke, increased rate of other cancers, birth defects... the list is long and sickening.

 

I did not want to marry and will not marry someone who smokes for these reasons. He would also get easily exhausted when we would ride bikes together or go fencing because of decreased lung capacity. He told me he felt so much better when he quit, his energy came back, fewer headaches, food tasted better, and his IBS symptoms were less severe. He was a skinny fit fellow too, the cigs just made him act like an old man.

 

You are justified in leaving her because of her smoking problem. It seems to be the dealbreaker for you that it is for a lot of people.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear this as I can really emphathise with you. Looking at it coldly and objectively (I hope), your girlfriend misled you. I can understand that she is addicted and is likely to turn to smoking for comfort, but it was stupid of her to mislead you like this. I would feel very annoyed about that. In fact, I did meet someone from the internet who had non-smoking on his profile and while we walked around in the city, he lit up roughly every hour. When I mentioned it to him, he said he only smoked 'occasionally' and would keep it to 'outside'. I wasn't impressed and although he wanted to meet up again subsequently, I never did.

 

Ironically, I'm also in a situation where I'm in touch with a guy I really like the sound of but he smokes! So, it's a real dilemma. He shows no sign of giving up so I can be pretty sure he wouldn't. What to do? I have thought long and hard about this and come to the conclusion that unless he really wanted to give up, it won't happen or he would lapse, probably at times of stress. So I'm facing a situation where I have to decide whether or not I want to be with a smoker. It's sad, but no I don't.

 

With your girlfriend though, I feel that she misled you and she is not respecting you, like a naughty child testing the boundaries. When you make a fuss, have a 'heart-to-heart', she stops for a while to pacify you, but then sneaks it back in again. I think you may well end up leaving her. I can imagine you resent being put in the bad-guy role, I would!

 

I know someone who is an alcoholic. I've seen him go through a steady stream of girlfriends, really nice women who've tried to care for him, look out for him and persuade him to give up the stuff that is killing him. But he has withstood them all and gradually they've moved on, having suffered heartbreak in the process at seeing him destroy himself. They were understanding, they tried to support him, they gradually had to step forward and be the bad woman who was out to spoil his fun and eventually it got to them and they left. As far as I know, none of them pulled him up from the start and gave him an ultimatum, they were too nice about it. He could play games for months, hiding things, transgressing here and there then apologising, what a nightmare for them! An ultimatum would have saved them all this, provided they enforced it. Any transgression after that would be it.

 

The above is hard to do because the temptation is to be understanding if they lapse but what is the point? If you don't want her to smoke, then draw a line and say 'that's it, if you smoke any more, we're splitting up'. The sad thing is that you are forced into this position and who wants to start out having to lay down the law with someone who is supposed to be an equal? Also, even if they give up for weeks, months, years, there's still no guarantee that once the polish has worn off the relationship they won't be back on the fags again.

 

Don't know if this has helped at all but I feel for you. xx

Edited February 10, 2011 by spiderowl

[Jaytb]

aw. I feel sorry for you. You were sympathetic to her despite her lying. Well she's going to have to quit at some point. Tell her the reasons you don't like smoking, and tell her the health benefits of quitting. Research quitting techniques and medicines and try to work out something between the both of you to get her to quit (get her on nicotine patches or whatever else there is), see if you can work it out. If she doesn't stick to a quitting regime then you'll have to say that you need her to quit.

 

on the other hand she might not want to quit so you need to ask her if she really wants to quit, because she'll only quit if she wants to. It won't work obviously if you're the only one who wants her to quit.

[Feelin Frisky]

Deal breaker. She lied to you and lied to herself. Don't stand for it. Not a little. Not now. Not ever.

 

I'm an ex-smoker and it's an insidious diease. There must only be yes or no answers--no "yeah, but..."(s).

[OldSkool]

If smoking is a deal breaker, you have to make that decision. You cannot force anyone to change, nor should anyone be forced to change against their will. You are the one who has decided you cannot live with a smoker! You are the one who needs to enforce that decision. If you try to change her against her will, she will RESENT you for it, probably forever.

 

FWIW, I am a smoker and I know it's a deal breaker with many women , but I happen to LIKE smoking. I know it's not good for me, I smoke the best cigarettes I can find, 100% Organic and all natural ($8 US per pack)and I try to balance it out with heavy cardio, organic diet, and 15+ mile hikes. Some women can accept that, some cannot. When I want to quit smoking, I will do so for myself and only myself, not because someone else pressured or guilt tripped me into it. (Oh, and I don't have kids so save me the secondhand smoke argument)

[LittleTiger]

My exH is a smoker. He was an 'ex-smoker' several thousand times during our 14 years together. He 'gave up' initially because I said I wouldn't live with him unless he gave up. He didn't smoke for two years and then something stressful happened and he started again. The pattern continued all the time we were together with the 'ex-smoker' periods getting shorter and shorter, until he stopped trying to give up altogether.

 

I found it disgusting and a complete turn off. I did everything I could think of to help/persuade him to stop - used every tactic available to me. We talked, I suggested therapy, bought him books, spent a fortune on patches and 'pretend' cigarettes, I was the kind supportive wife, I bullied him, begged him, threatened him - you name it. No matter what I did, he just carried on smoking and lied about it and, even when I told him I knew he was lying, he stood by his lie - with the smell of smoke on his breath! Apart from when we first moved in together, he chose cigarettes over me every time. I could virtually have written your post myself. NEVER AGAIN!

 

Now we're divorced (yes the smoking was a major problem throughout our entire relationship), he leads a stress free life overseas, no responsibilities, plenty of money, happy with a new woman etc - he still smokes.

 

So unless you're prepared to be married to a smoker - end it now.

[Joe Normal]

You already know what to do. First, the facts:

 

1. You hate smoking

2. Your girlfriend is a smoking addict.

3. Your girlfriend is a liar

4. Your girlfriend smokes secretly to hide it from you

5. Stress will make her smoke again

6. Life will definitely throw up many stressful situations in future.

 

I think from this, anyone person with an IQ in the double digits can work out that you aren't remotely compatible. Remind me again why you are still in this relationship?

 

Dump her and find a NON-Smoking, NON-lying woman. Ok? And in future, as soon as you find someone is actually a smoker, DUMP THEM.

 

It really is not difficult - smoking addicts and people who hate smoking, are totally incompatible in relationships.

[zebracolors]

It was said to me here (on LS) once that I should not "count on him to quit. İf he is going to, it will be because he really wants to" İf you are considering giving that ultimatum then maybe you should rethink the relationship and if you ever really could get used to her habit. I know that is a bridge I may have to cross myself one day.

 

to the OP I can kind of feel your pain here. The man out there which I have come to care very much for is a smoker. But aside from that I am crazy about him and love time we have together and I don't want to leave him because of that. Met him online and our friendship sort of evolved into a little something more. I have not been able to meet him face to face but we are planning that. So I will see what happens then. (We're long distance for now)

 

While he never deceived me about that fact from the start, I have actually been very afraid that his smoking might be a point of contention between us even though he already knows that I don't like smoking in general. (it nearly killed my mother years ago thankfully she did quit in time)

 

I have come to accept that he does smoke even though there was a time when smoking would have been the one deal breaker for me. Also I fear that when I finally do get to meet him in person, that the smoking will put me off because İ am not used to the smell, and I'm unable to help but feel the smell is repulsive.

 

But I am unsure if I can ever really ever ask him if he wants to stop or if that would just be selfish of me. But surely it is not selfish of me that I don't want to watch the effects cigs have slowly kill him, only for him to realize too late. Especially when it didn't have to be that way, if we happen to have a future together,

 

I hope I have not derailed your thread but I felt I could share because in some ways we are on the same page.

[condor]

Hello GreyKnightX,

 

I am in the exact boat( met online etc) as you except we are married and I only found out after a stressfull situation that my wife is(was) a smoker. I had asked her when we first met in person whether she smoke as i noticed her teeth werent exactly white but since i never had kissed a smoker i took her answer as being truthfull. Coming from a background where helping my parents at their retail business i was subject to smokers constantly and i hated the smell of my clothes when i get home. She travels alot with other smokers so her addiction is never-ending.....fast forward...

 

Its been 2 years now since she i first discovered she smoked.

1. Started off with smell, more lighters around the house

2. Found a pack.

3. She used cigaretters as a tool. I'll stop smoking if you do this and that...get us a house etc

4. Refused kissing her. But you love me dont you...kiss me...crap

4. Major stressfull situation aside from smoking led to her smoking infront of me.

5. Tried to quit with using e-cig....didnt help

 

Now she has finally admitted she is smoker and thats that.

 

Its been very draining on myself. I have dreams of her smoking and i wake up etc

 

GreyKnight, she might stop, she might not..this will torture you daily. And your love for her will wane down to zero. You stop caring etc etc....

 

c