Question for the guys; platonic friendships

[sfl]

Okay, quite simply do you think it's possible to be very good friends with a female (who you have no ties to - ie you don't work with them, or isn't your girlfriend's friend etc) without wanting to sleep with them?

 

A guy messages my girlfriend a lot and they're meeting up when he moves over here in about a months time, she thinks he's really nice personality wise, but insists she doesn't fancy him and nothing would ever happen, which I'm cool with and trust her.

 

But from a guy's perspective, I don't think I'd ever be that keen on someone, message them a lot and want to meet up, unless I wanted to sleep with them (and compared to the majority of guys I'd say I'm pretty good with this)

 

I'm trying not to be jealous and said it's cool (she asked if I was okay with it - to be fair if I said I wasn't then she wouldn't meet up with him, but that'd be a pretty sucky relationship and show a lot of distrust) but really I'm a bit concerned about it, especially since the guy is a lot better looking than me!

 

So guys, what do you think? Is it possible he really just wants to be friends with her, or am I right to be a bit cautious/sceptical about the whole thing?

[Rashad]

Okay, quite simply do you think it's possible to be very good friends with a female (who you have no ties to - ie you don't work with them, or isn't your girlfriend's friend etc) without wanting to sleep with them?

 

A guy messages my girlfriend a lot and they're meeting up when he moves over here in about a months time, she thinks he's really nice personality wise, but insists she doesn't fancy him and nothing would ever happen, which I'm cool with and trust her.

 

But from a guy's perspective, I don't think I'd ever be that keen on someone, message them a lot and want to meet up, unless I wanted to sleep with them (and compared to the majority of guys I'd say I'm pretty good with this)

 

I'm trying not to be jealous and said it's cool (she asked if I was okay with it - to be fair if I said I wasn't then she wouldn't meet up with him, but that'd be a pretty sucky relationship and show a lot of distrust) but really I'm a bit concerned about it, especially since the guy is a lot better looking than me!

 

So guys, what do you think? Is it possible he really just wants to be friends with her, or am I right to be a bit cautious/sceptical about the whole thing?

NO.

As a man I would not trust another man with my woman, specially if it's man that I do not know. BUT, I'd trust my woman, so this depends on how much you trust your woman bro.

 

My Ex: yo, this guy I talked to the other day was really nice to me...

Me: He wants to sleep with you.

My Ex: ugh, you think all men are like you?

Me: yes.

Two weeks later...

My Ex: Remember that guy who was nice to me?

Me: I was right wasn't I?

My Ex: I hate you.

Me: Hahahah...

 

True story.

[PegNosePete]

As a man I would not trust another man with my woman, specially if it's man that I do not know. BUT, I'd trust my woman

That is contradictory. If you trust your woman then you trust her to say NO to the man.

 

If you don't trust that the two of them can be together without something happening, then you're saying that you don't trust her to tell him to BACK OFF if he tries anything.

[sfl]

Oh I do trust her, but that doesn't mean I'm happy if he tried something on. I'm sure she'd tell him she wasn't interested and make that very clear - she said she really wants me to meet him, she's said she'd very happily cut off contact if I wanted, and also I wonder if she actually liked him even a tiny bit, surely she wouldn't tell me about him.

 

But again, it doesn't mean I particularly like the situation. He's moving to this country and she says he doesn't know anyone, and that she's going to try and set him up with one of her friends or something so idk. I think time will tell whether he sticks around or not - he's a lot older than her and will probably mix with very different circles since he has a super well paid job, and she's a student - but if in a few months they're still in regular contact I'd probably not be overly happy, who knows.

 

The problem is that my girlfriend is super naive and much like what Rashad said, wouldn't believe in a million years that a guy would only be 'friends' with a girl because he wanted to sleep with her ;p

[PegNosePete]

Oh I do trust her, but that doesn't mean I'm happy if he tried something on. I'm sure she'd tell him she wasn't interested and make that very clear - she said she really wants me to meet him, she's said she'd very happily cut off contact if I wanted, and also I wonder if she actually liked him even a tiny bit, surely she wouldn't tell me about him.

That's an excellent start.

If he were to try something then you'd be perfectly within your rights to tell her to cut contact, in fact she should probably voluntarily cut contact. So in a way that would remedy the situation.

 

But again, it doesn't mean I particularly like the situation

Yeah I wouldn't like it either. Even if he doesn't try anything obvious, you need to keep an eye on the situation. If they are spending too much time together then feelings can grow. You should keep an eye on that. Make sure you keep yourself in the game, fulfil her needs but don't be a doormat.

 

The problem is that my girlfriend is super naive and much like what Rashad said, wouldn't believe in a million years that a guy would only be 'friends' with a girl because he wanted to sleep with her ;p

Hmm. You may need to teach her to watch for the signs. As long as she knows she is somewhat naive, she should listen to your (presumably more experienced?) interpretation of events. You might need to remind her what is appropriate or not. If she doesn't know her own naivete or thinks she knows best, then you mght have a problem.

[Rashad]

That is contradictory. If you trust your woman then you trust her to say NO to the man.

 

If you don't trust that the two of them can be together without something happening, then you're saying that you don't trust her to tell him to BACK OFF if he tries anything.

Not at all... I said.

As a man I would not trust another man with my woman, specially if it's man that I do not know. BUT, I'd trust my woman

In other words... I'd not trust other men around my woman, but I'd trust my woman around other men.

[Feelin Frisky]

It's possible but it always depends on who each person really is. There's no universal rule based on gender. I can be friends with woman A because she unstsands I'm a man with male desires and knows how to work with that without misunderstanding but I can't deal with woman B because she doesn't see me as a man, just as a convenience, and doesn't respect that I can fall for her.

[Rashad]

Oh I do trust her, but that doesn't mean I'm happy if he tried something on. I'm sure she'd tell him she wasn't interested and make that very clear - she said she really wants me to meet him, she's said she'd very happily cut off contact if I wanted, and also I wonder if she actually liked him even a tiny bit, surely she wouldn't tell me about him.

 

But again, it doesn't mean I particularly like the situation. He's moving to this country and she says he doesn't know anyone, and that she's going to try and set him up with one of her friends or something so idk. I think time will tell whether he sticks around or not - he's a lot older than her and will probably mix with very different circles since he has a super well paid job, and she's a student - but if in a few months they're still in regular contact I'd probably not be overly happy, who knows.

 

The problem is that my girlfriend is super naive and much like what Rashad said, wouldn't believe in a million years that a guy would only be 'friends' with a girl because he wanted to sleep with her ;p

Bro, the internet is full of weird people... if he is older and has a super well paid job, this should raise more concerns, I'm not trying to make you paranoid, you seem to trust your girl which is good, you might wanna let her know that you do not trust this man, without sounding insecure somehow.

 

Also, some girls get pretty offended if you tell them that "this man only wants to have sex with you" most likely they'd say something like... "oh, you think I'm not interesting enough for them to just want to be friends with me blah blah..." take that into consideration.

[sfl]

Thanks again guys, and yeah it is a tricky situation - but she's making a lot of new guy friends since being at uni so I'll just have to roll with it I guess. It is kinda annoying that she doesn't understand how most (if not all...!) guys minds work, and it's a shame that it'll probably take one of them advancing on her for her to actually realise, but like you said I should just stick with it and make sure I'm the best boyfriend possible without being too clingy or a doormat (although she did say in the past she liked clingy when I joked about being it!)

 

She's not very flirty at all though in general, and assures me with her ex (who she apparently didn't care about as much as me) she never once even thought about another guy, so I should be okay. But I do have kinda jealousy issues which sucks, but possibly/probably no more than most other guys!

 

@ PegNosePete - I wouldn't say I was more experienced. We've both only ever been in one serious relationship before (in fact, she's only ever been in one relationship ever) so umm, what exactly would you say are the signs? ;p

[lilbunny]

Thanks again guys, and yeah it is a tricky situation - but she's making a lot of new guy friends since being at uni so I'll just have to roll with it I guess. It is kinda annoying that she doesn't understand how most (if not all...!) guys minds work, and it's a shame that it'll probably take one of them advancing on her for her to actually realise, but like you said I should just stick with it and make sure I'm the best boyfriend possible without being too clingy or a doormat (although she did say in the past she liked clingy when I joked about being it!)

 

She's not very flirty at all though in general, and assures me with her ex (who she apparently didn't care about as much as me) she never once even thought about another guy, so I should be okay. But I do have kinda jealousy issues which sucks, but possibly/probably no more than most other guys!

 

 

I have lots of male friends from when I was at uni. There has never been anything in it with any of them. I had a bf throughout my time at uni and he never felt threatened because we always socialised in mixed groups anyway, they all knew him and were friendly, as I was with various girlfriends they had.

If a male friend of hers isn't interested in getting to know you or you being around sometimes when they meet up then that might be a reasonable concern. A true friend would be interested in knowing someone's partner I think.

[carhill]

So guys, what do you think? Is it possible he really just wants to be friends with her, or am I right to be a bit cautious/sceptical about the whole thing?

'So, honey, what interests do you and xxx share in common? You seem like you really get on with him well. When he arrives I'd enjoy meeting him. Let's set that up.'

 

Since this guy isn't one of the plethora of similarly aged and life experience males she will meet at uni, different rules apply. Think of them as rules of engagement; rules which respect and support the priority of your relationship.

 

TBH, my spidey sense always alerts when someone pre-lubes the pump with 'of course I don't fancy him, bla, bla, bla' without any sort of prior inquiry as to her interest. Perhaps nothing but that's my life experience talking....

 

I seriously doubt many sexually active single men can have true platonic friendships with women that they have more than casual public contact with. I've been pretty selective in that regard in my life and can admit it freely. If they're (the men) married or in an obviously committed relationship, it's more likely IME, depending on how well developed their boundaries are. This disregards the women's boundaries, in that she, like your GF, may not *allow* anything to *happen*, but that doesn't preclude the man's *attraction* or *desire*, both of which defeat the platonic nature of the friendship.

 

Hope it works out

[luvnpain]

Guys always swear that once a guy is in a girl's friend zone he is doomed and will never have a chance with her. So why would he worry if his girl has a guyin her FZ? She is not feeling him, and has made it clear that it's not a thing to her at all, so much so that she could take or leave it if they talk. OP is her clear priority, and I hope he doesn't let insecurity taint what seems to be going well.

 

It doesn't matter if he lusts for her daily, if she isn't checking for him, then there's nothing he can do to change it. She offered for you to meet him, so do it if that's what you need to see it's not an issue for her.

[sfl]

Thanks again for the replies guys. When her facebook status changed to in a relationship he was apparently all like "aw he seems really nice, hope it goes well for the two of you" but being overly paranoid as I am, figured even if he was interested in her he'd say something like that to keep on her good side, right? She said she wants me to meet him cos she thinks after that I'll be cool with it, but the week he comes over i can't visit anyhow, which sucks.

 

That's another thing, you say to just get involved and be a part of her friends group but it's kinda hard to do that regularly since we live about 3 hours away, but I'll try!

 

She never started with the whole "I don't fancy him!" thing for no reason btw, just once I'd said something about it, like the fact most guys only make an effort with girls they fancy, which yeah for the most part I still think is true!

 

And nice post by the way, thanks lovenpain - I agree with that, I definitely trust her 100% so I just need to go along with it. I'm guessing the best course of action is to completely feign that I'm completey fine with it? Or is it okay to let her know I have my doubts about him as long as I'm still cool with everything and don't come across as being too jealous or clingy? Thanks again.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Okay, quite simply do you think it's possible to be very good friends with a female (who you have no ties to - ie you don't work with them, or isn't your girlfriend's friend etc) without wanting to sleep with them?

 

A guy messages my girlfriend a lot and they're meeting up when he moves over here in about a months time, she thinks he's really nice personality wise, but insists she doesn't fancy him and nothing would ever happen, which I'm cool with and trust her.

 

But from a guy's perspective, I don't think I'd ever be that keen on someone, message them a lot and want to meet up, unless I wanted to sleep with them (and compared to the majority of guys I'd say I'm pretty good with this)

 

I'm trying not to be jealous and said it's cool (she asked if I was okay with it - to be fair if I said I wasn't then she wouldn't meet up with him, but that'd be a pretty sucky relationship and show a lot of distrust) but really I'm a bit concerned about it, especially since the guy is a lot better looking than me!

 

So guys, what do you think? Is it possible he really just wants to be friends with her, or am I right to be a bit cautious/sceptical about the whole thing?

 

 

 

You are surely correct. If he is sniffing around as you imply, he sees himself as being "in line" for her affections.

 

I wish it were otherwise but the examples we see here at Loveshack and all over the world suggest that, in general, men just don't do the "friendship-only" thing with women (they don't have to be around for work or family reasons).

[sfl]

Hmmmm, yeah - I guess the next question would be what is the best thing for me to do about it? Just play it cool, not mention him ever, and if we should meet like she wants us to, just try and be super friendly with him?

 

Kinda sucks that were so far away, and I can only see her some weekends, and not even the week he moves here, d'oh ;(

[shadowofman]

It is possible if the woman is not attractive. I however want to have sex with all attractive females, friend or no friend. Some guys are not as interested in being promiscuous like me though.

[Star Gazer]

In other words... I'd not trust other men around my woman, but I'd trust my woman around other men.

 

If you trust your woman, then you don't need to worry about other men. End of story.

[taiko]

It is possible if the woman is not attractive. I however want to have sex with all attractive females, friend or no friend. Some guys are not as interested in being promiscuous like me though.

 

I think we all would want to but so what in 99 out of 100 cases we do nothing with that fantasy. Women will jusy have to get over the fact that unless the guy is gay he wants to stick his penis into you. He probably won't say or do anything about but the fantasy is there. I don't care if he is friend zoned or you say we are like brother and sister.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I sorta sense that you are in some trouble with this.

 

 

It is just going to be too easy for her to see him and do whatever she wants with him without your ever figuring it out.

 

 

The boldest (fair) move would be to have a true heart-to-heart talk with her, and make it clear that you feel threatened by his overtures. At least reason her to the point where she'll admit that he is surely wanting something intimate with her on some level.

 

When she won't admit that much, then maybe you should respond by asking if she'd like to break-up in order so that she can pursue this other guy.

 

(but don't do the latter if you're not prepared to go in that direction)

 

Stay along the conversational path of guys not generally showing interest in being "friends" with women unless they see themselves as being in line for her romantic affections.

 

It really doesn't matter what she sees, from her vantage point now... she probably likes the attention and thinks that he's only "friendship material".

 

Get her talking on the topic of what she thinks HE sees in terms of romantic potential for the two of them.

 

If she's strongly in your court, none of this will phase her a bit. If she's flaky or inclined to take interest in him, then you probably don't want her in your life anyway.

[sfl]

Sorry for the late reply to the above, only just caught back on this thread

 

He's moving from another country and just got here, first day he's sent her a text saying "I know you have a bf but would it make you uncomfortable if we had dinner sometime, caught a movie, went for some walks together...?"

 

If I say it's fine either I'm ****ed, or it'll seem like I don't care, if I say I'd prefer if she cut off contact I'll seem controlling and like I don't trust her. Argh!

Edited October 17, 2010 by sfl

[Teknoe]

Okay, quite simply do you think it's possible to be very good friends with a female (who you have no ties to - ie you don't work with them, or isn't your girlfriend's friend etc) without wanting to sleep with them?

 

A guy messages my girlfriend a lot and they're meeting up when he moves over here in about a months time, she thinks he's really nice personality wise, but insists she doesn't fancy him and nothing would ever happen, which I'm cool with and trust her.

 

But from a guy's perspective, I don't think I'd ever be that keen on someone, message them a lot and want to meet up, unless I wanted to sleep with them (and compared to the majority of guys I'd say I'm pretty good with this)

 

I'm trying not to be jealous and said it's cool (she asked if I was okay with it - to be fair if I said I wasn't then she wouldn't meet up with him, but that'd be a pretty sucky relationship and show a lot of distrust) but really I'm a bit concerned about it, especially since the guy is a lot better looking than me!

 

So guys, what do you think? Is it possible he really just wants to be friends with her, or am I right to be a bit cautious/sceptical about the whole thing?

 

 

Hmmm, I'd be a bit cautious, on personal experience alone, lol.

 

However, I do think it's possible for a girl and guy to be strictly platonic friends. I have a friend I think the world of, and we get along great, but I really do see her as a cool platonic friend I've known since college.

 

But here's the thing... we don't talk too frequently. We get together maybe once every 3 months? (But when we do, we talk it up for hours). I think if a guy and girl contact each other a lot and for a long time, that's something you need to keep an eye on. You may trust your GF, but you can't trust the guy whom you don't know well.

[Teknoe]

Sorry for the late reply to the above, only just caught back on this thread

 

He's moving from another country and just got here, first day he's sent her a text saying "I know you have a bf but would it make you uncomfortable if we had dinner sometime, caught a movie, went for some walks together...?"

 

If I say it's fine either I'm ****ed, or it'll seem like I don't care, if I say I'd prefer if she cut off contact I'll seem controlling and like I don't trust her. Argh!

 

 

OH BOY. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. This can only end up bad for you if you don't have a heart to heart talk with her. It's not about being controlling and not trusting her... it's about COMMUNICATING. Be vulnerable and tell her your heart's concerns and feelings. If you don't, she'll go along with it, see this guy enough and maybe something could develop.

 

Trust me, sweeping things under the rug hoping they'll work themselves out doesn't always work. And it certainly does not in this case. Have a talk with her when you guys are both cool, calm and collected. Be sensitive how you word things, it's a fine line between communicating and controlling. Good luck.

[sfl]

Thanks Teknoe, I only just realised in the original text he actually said "if I asked you out sometime" so as soon as I noticed that, I just text saying that and I obviously wasn't comfortable with it and surprised she even had to ask, she said she agreed, sorry if she upset me or whatever and it's okay again now, I think ;o

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sorry for the late reply to the above, only just caught back on this thread

 

He's moving from another country and just got here, first day he's sent her a text saying "I know you have a bf but would it make you uncomfortable if we had dinner sometime, caught a movie, went for some walks together...?"

 

If I say it's fine either I'm ****ed, or it'll seem like I don't care, if I say I'd prefer if she cut off contact I'll seem controlling and like I don't trust her. Argh!

 

 

(I did already read your more recent post, but...)

 

In the case of the above, you'd want to get her to admit that men just don't do the "friends" with women thing without seeing themselves as being in line for the romantic affections of the women.

 

Once there, then you won't seem as 'controlling' or the like, when putting your foot down.

 

SOME part of your woman wants you to put your foot down in protest, because it shows her that she matters to you.

[Yvette_Sveden]

It is possible if the woman is not attractive. I however want to have sex with all attractive females, friend or no friend.

 

I was having a conversation like this in another topic of this forum in where I agreed with the notion that men want women for sex. When men talk to me or even look (or stare) my way, there can only be one thing he's interested in. And it's not whether I believe in abortion. I know he wants to use his tongue to write love letters on my vagina and to get a sense of what it tastes like. Men have always been like this. Men are wolves in sheep clothing. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. I can thrive on the attention they give me.

 

Men wanting to be friends with women doesn't mix. Unless, like shadowofman said, she is not attractive.

 

I know that men usually have one motive, and that is to sleep with women as soon and as often as possible.

 

Even if the guy in question (I'm now addressing the OP) is just innocent enough, there has to be some thoughts running through his head about wanting to sleep with her. However, those thoughts can lessen if he knows and realizes that there's no chance in hell that he can get with her.

 

If she does cheat on him, don't be mad at the guy. Be mad at her instead. Because he was just being a guy and there are a lot of men who would've operated the same way and get with the girl. But the girl would be at fault because she was the one who didn't value your relationship enough to decline his advances.

 

The only guys you can be mad at is if the guy was a friend or family member. But if he's just a stranger or just some guy at work, for example, you could be mad at him, but the blame is squarely on her.

 

 

 

Yvette from Sweden