Not being able to share feelings of my current situation

[Kat]

I am not sure how many of you know about my 'situation' with my b/f and our living ways (link here ).

 

I have come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend and I won't be moving in together, and I am fine with that(as much as I can be)

 

What I have to look forward too (ie, buying my own house/unit or renting) is getting me really depressed. I want to start a family(I am being totally honest here) and get the joint mortgage and all that. Since that cannot happen, I now have to arrange a loan mortgage or rental property. My daughter will start kindergarten soon and therefore I will have to find a new place for her to go. Child care(in australia at least) has massive waiting lists and is very hard to get into new places. I don't want to move Hope(or even think it would be possible) from kindergarten to kindergarten while I move from rental property to rental property. Then I have to figure out where to move, close to home? or work? or what? My job, and situation(single with a kid on a casual salary) means buying a house is out of the question.

 

I find myself worrying about my daughters future, as well as mine. I want the best for her. Problem is, I get very depressed thinking about this and trying to make the right choice. With this, I sometimes(well most of the time at the moment) it can be shown in how I carry myself, and my b/f notices. I can't bring myself to tell him why I am depressed because the last thing I want to do is to tell him, and make him feel as if it is because of him.

 

I realise that we won't be moving in, but I feel as if I tell him what is on my mind, he will think I am trying to make him feel guilty and I do not want him to feel as if he has to do anything.

 

How do I share the way I am feeling with my best friend and me totally detached from our relationship? Without it meaning I am trying to blame him, or try and put him on a guilt trip.

 

I just hate that he has no ties, no worries and a good job and can get his house, and I have turned into a jealous bitch. Everytime he talks about what houses he has looked at, I just tune out and I think that it is unfair, but the way I am feeling is bordering on depression and I even cry about the fact I cannpt plan a future for my daughter because I can't afford too. I want to share how I am feeling with my best friend, but I feel as if it is best that I don't because of how me might take what I am saying.

 

 

IN A NUTSHELL

 

My b/f doesn't want to live with me, and I want to get a house for my daughter for good but I can't afford it. This depresses me but I can't tell anyone, specially my best friend, because I feel it will come out as a nagging "I can't get what I want so I am going to nag until you crack" and not just a "I need to talk"

[Tony T]

I went to the link you put in your first sentence and the reply Just A Girl2 posted was very good.

 

There is no way for you to express your feelings about this to your boyfriend without sounding nagging, manipulative, etc. But, moreover, it appears your eagerness to move out from your parents has more to do with your misery there than being with your boyfriend and making a home...and he knows that. Some of your depression, of course, is from the fact that you are not able to do the same thing he's doing (buying a house, etc.)

 

Talking about how depressed you are now essentially will mean to your boyfriend that you are eager to move in with him. But before you move in with him, you must get to the point where you are happier with life and not depressed. You also have to improve the relationship to the point where he is EAGER to have you move in with him. You've got to give him reasons to be excited to be with you all the time.

 

Right now, he has no reason to go back in time where the two of you lived together and it didn't work out. At some point, you may propose a trial arrangement....perhaps staying there two or three days a week and at your parents the rest of the time....for a while so he can see just how things have changed.

 

You also have to understand that this house will be HIS and there's nothing whatsoever you can do to change that so you'll have to go out of your way to be a pleasant and warm companion for him. He's certainly not going to have you there if it causes a lot of disharmony in his life.

 

Meanwhile, you can show him how great you would be as a permanent resident in his new home by being there for him, suggesting decorating ideas, helping him move in and get settled and generally being there for assistance without whining about your own home arrangement. I know you are dying to tell him how you feel but if he's got an ounce of brains he already know that. And you don't need to whine to him about how miserable you are at your parents.

 

Right now, your number one motive for wanting to live with him seems to be your need to get out of your parents home. When you sincerely shift that motive to one where you want to be with the man you love and share a life with him and help make both of your lives more pleasant, that will probably be the time he will invite you to stay. Meanwhile, just ease yourself back and little at a time....be patient....and try your best to change your attitude and be happy with life as it is.

[midori]

Originally posted by Kat

I am not sure how many of you know about my 'situation' with my b/f and our living ways (link here ).

 

 

I don't want to move Hope(or even think it would be possible) from kindergarten to kindergarten while I move from rental property to rental property. Then I have to figure out where to move, close to home? or work? or what? My job, and situation(single with a kid on a casual salary) means buying a house is out of the question.

 

The decision of where to live would have to be made even if you were buying a house rather than renting. You make a decision, sign a lease or a mortgage, and there you are. If you don't feel like it's a decision you can make right off the bat renting is probably better anyway, so that if you choose what proves to be an inconvenient location you can move the next year to a better spot.

 

I'm not sure how often you anticipate moving from one rented place to another -- monthly? bi-annually? -- but most leases are for one year. Moving her to a new daycare shouldn't be that problematic.

 

I find myself worrying about my daughters future, as well as mine. I want the best for her. Problem is, I get very depressed thinking about this and trying to make the right choice. With this, I sometimes(well most of the time at the moment) it can be shown in how I carry myself, and my b/f notices. I can't bring myself to tell him why I am depressed because the last thing I want to do is to tell him, and make him feel as if it is because of him.

 

Based on what you've said in earlier threads on this issue Kat it kind of sounds like you're confused about what's best for your daughter. What's best for your daughter is going to be the best that you, her sole parent, can provide for her. There isn't an ideal, static "best" environment that everyone should strive to conform to. You seem fixated on having a house for yourself, rather than a rented apartment. But you can't afford a house on your own. So it's not an option. Why beat yourself up over that? Children can have very happy, healthy homes in apartments -- even if they have to move from time to time. It's what goes on within the walls of a home that counts. So long as their parents are stable, organized, loving and attentive, a modest apartment is as good as a mansion.

 

How do I share the way I am feeling with my best friend and me totally detached from our relationship? Without it meaning I am trying to blame him, or try and put him on a guilt trip.

 

How about talking about it in a constructive way? How about saying, "right, need to get my own living arrangements sorted out. I've still got to save money to be able to afford the deposit and first month's rent on an apartment, but I think I'll have it in three month's time. Where shall I look? What do you think the best place will be?" etc. Then you're addressing your situation realistically, asking for his advice and support without asking him to take responsibility for your situation.

 

My b/f doesn't want to live with me, and I want to get a house for my daughter for good but I can't afford it. This depresses me but I can't tell anyone, specially my best friend, because I feel it will come out as a nagging "I can't get what I want so I am going to nag until you crack" and not just a "I need to talk"

 

You can't afford a house. End of story. There's nothing wrong with an apartment. It needn't be forever, and it's what within your reach right now. I think you need to take a step back, realistically assess your situation, and make the best of what you have, rather than bemoaning what you don't have. No one owes you a house Kat -- not your parents, not your boyfriend, not even Life/Fate/Fairness. And you don't owe your daughter a house. You owe her a safe home, which IS something you can provide.

 

People are more willing to listen to complaints/problems when they feel like there is something that they can do to help -- with advice, etc. Occasional moaning about things that can't be changed is OK among friends. But if you are feeling as if your friends think you're trying to nag or guilt them into giving you what you want, perhaps it's because that is in effect what you're doing, even if it's not your intention to do so.

 

If you're finding that your criteria are irreconcilable -- can't stand to keep on living with your mom but can't afford to buy a house of your own and are unwilling to live in a rented place -- then they are probably irreconcilable. If you present them as such to your friends, you will inevitably appear to be asking them to solve the problem for you. Plan A -- to get out of your mom's house and into one of your own -- isn't a viable option. So what's Plan B?

[Kat]

I am not quite sure if any of you two have children, but from reading that it doesn't sound like you do. I want stability for my child, and I won't stop until I get it. When I mean "Moving around" I mean that some rental properties just don't work and you don't know that till you move in "ie, neighbours and such".

My main problem is where to start looking for a place to live, and where to send my daughter, both will be extremely hard to find. Do I look for a house/unit first or do I get a day care place first? I think you may of skipped this "issue" and stuck with the "You can't move out with you b/f or buy a house so get over it". I am over it!

[midori]

Kat, I think if you read my reply to your post you'll find that I specifically addressed what you had to say. You do keep returning to the idea of a house that you can't afford, which you say depresses you. To what end do you dwell on it?

 

You'll never know about the neighbors until you move -- whether it's into a house you own or a place that you rent.

 

If you were only looking for advice from people who have children, and/or people who are going to tell you what you want to hear (which is... what?), perhaps you should put that in the header. Then those of us who don't fit the bill won't bother you with our replies.

[Just A Girl2]

Kat, I think the shot about "people who don't have children" was a low blow.

 

First of all, like I wrote to you in a previous response on this topic, why don't you set your goals more realistically? Okay, so your final goal is to one day own your own home. Well, that's hardly feasible right now, financially. So start out smaller. Why can't you find some kind of living arrangement like renting a place with someone? Like a roommate? Where I live, tons of people OWN nice homes but like to offset their monthly mortgage payment, so they'll advertise for a roommate......so in essence, you get to live in a nice home for half the cost.

 

Or what's wrong with an apartment? You sound like you already anticipate, if you rented, that you'd inevitably have to move, due to bad living conditions, crappy neighbors, etc. No need to be so pessimistic! Tons of people rent, and it's certainly possible to 'do your homework' beforehand, and find a place that has a good reputation......that has good long-term tenants, that has a good landlord/caretaker/manager. Often, you can get references from coworkers and friends..who can personally vouch for various places. You can tell a lot about a place, too, just by taking a tour through it..or even a couple of them. Find out what the rules are there, on "noise", etc. I've lived in 2 great apartments over the course of my life.......nice, because no yardwork, no shovelling of snow, one even had an elevator, security, etc.

 

As for the daycare dilemma, seeing how you say it's horribly hard to find a vacancy, it might make more sense THEN, to get your daughter on some different waiting lists..(do your homework first, to see which ones are good), then wait til she gets in, then you can try to find a place to rent in THAT area. It's obviously more difficult, by what you've said, to get a child into daycare/childcare.....so THAT is the place you want to get straightened out first, THEN find the place to live nearby.

 

I totally agree w/ Midori on the fact that providing a child with security and stability doesn't necessarily mean OWNING A HOME. No, I don't have kids, but I grew up with 2 very hard working parents who couldn't afford to buy their own home til I was 18...before that, we lived in rental homes. It never bothered me at all, cuz Mom always made the house a home.....and actually, kids don't pay any attention to whether the place they live in is owned or rented.

 

Sure, you're goal is to own a home one day, but set small goals that will help you to achieve that goal.

 

There's lots of good places to check for rentals (apartments, homes, roommate-type situations, etc)....the classified ads in newspapers, advertise on your work bulletin that you're looking for a place, place an ad in the newspaper advertising what kind of living arrangement you're looking for, check bulletin boards at local grocery stores/places like those, contact property management companies where you live.....lots even have websites where they advertise the properties they have available..from apartments to homes to duplexes, etc. Many even show interior pics of the suites, along with the layout and square footage.

 

As for your boyfriend, while you have to be careful with how you word things with him, so that he doesn't think you're guilting him into asking you to live with him, I DO think you should feel the freedom to share your feelings about anything, with him...as he's your best friend. It's all in the delivery, though. Ask him to help you find a place....ask him to go and look at possible rentals to get his feedback, etc.

 

What about asking your Dad (real Dad) if he has any suggestions? So many times, people we KNOW know of great places to rent.......you just have to get the word out there.

[Ally Boo]

Ya know, it comes to a point where you have to decide what's best for your child. Either way, you are doing this alone. Maybe he doesn't have the same goals as you do....which seems to be the case.

 

Now you have to decide if you want to stick with him and wait for him to change his mind, or move on and find someone who shares the same interests and goals as you do.

 

This is your true dillema, and in my opinion, your child comes first, and you might just need to sit down with him and tell him that you two obviously don't have the same goals, and you need to move on.

[Kat]

Oh we most definately have the same goals "To provide for our families". We are very family baed in our ways and are both working hard to make it easier.

 

Thing is, I have a family to care for, and he doesn't yet.

 

This isn't about that though, I understand why he doesn't want to move in and hey that is fine. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, so there is no worries there.

 

I think I am going to wait until I find out where my b/f buys a house/unit and then, if it is closer to work than I am now, get a daycare around there and then find a place to rent. Just got to play the waiting game now

[HokeyReligions]

My husband and I don't have children. At first he didn't want any. Then we had two. Then they died. Our daughter was 14 and had a congenital heart problem. Our son was 15 when he died of a different, but related illness. I can't bear to talk about it. After they were gone my husband said NO MORE. My kids were born and raised in various apartments. We moved for lots of reasons, space, rent, neighbors (you have no control over who your neighbors are even if you own a home)

 

I don't mention my children often because it hurts. It hurts a lot. I hope that none of you know the kind of hurt I'm talking about.

 

I was born and raised in a house. With a yard. Across the street from a park. We also had a farm out in the country. I thought a house was vital for kids. It is not. They were so happy in the apartments we lived in. Even when we had to move to an effeciency and we all basically slept in the same room.

 

At one point we had to farm the kids out to friends because we had nothing - including an apartment.

 

Then things changes. We worked very hard to keep our marriage strong and to earn enough money to support our family.

 

When our daughter was 10 and our son 8, we bought our house. We almost lost it a year later when my husband became disabled, but we held on. Now, we have 5 dogs and no children. My mother lives with us.

 

I can't talk about it any more. But, nothing is permanent. Not the decisions you make now, or the ones you make 10 years from now.

 

Sit down and make a plan. A realistic one for you and your daughter. Take it one step at a time and don't think so far ahead. You can't plan the future - that never works. A home is not in the walls around you - it is inside you, and no matter where you dwell, you bring your "home" with you.

[midori]

HokeyReligions, I'm so sorry to hear about your children. I can't imagine how awful such a thing must be. I'm sorry you had to go through it, and I admire you for being able to open up about it in order to help someone else address their dilemma. That's really kind and brave of you.

 

-midori

[Kat]

Well we finally talked, and I mean really really talked.

 

In short, he asked me to move in with him

 

We had a very large argument last night, which was really all about nothing, but mainly the age old issue of "We never talk about things" It was very emotional, not many words said we want to take back or anything, but just very emotional and a very hurtful situation.

 

Even when we sat down and talked about things it was still very much a "I want to do this on my own, I don't want you to move in just yet I am afraid it will be how it was".

 

Since it was a very icky talk, I spilled my guts about everything, and about how I was feeling about everything, especially why I wanted to move in with him, what my fears where, how I hadn't been able to tell him how I was feeling because of the fear I would then be nagging etc etc. By the end of it he said "It makes me so happy and comforted knowing that you have the same thoughts and fears in your head as well." We talked about joint income, buying a house together and all that. At the moment it stands that when he (at this stage it will be his house and him paying for it) gets a house my daughter and I will be moving in, and it will be our house too (just not on paper or money wise) He says he wants to buy a house on his own, and wants me to save my money for my daughters future.

[Just A Girl2]

I'm confused. Here (unless you editted this part) you say that after a big talk, your b/f "asked you to move in with him."

 

Yet in a post from the same day, yesterday (the one about his mate and the comments made to you, in IM), you wrote:

 

Last night we left (b/f and I) on bad terms with the drunken words "I don't want to go out with you" (note he was drunk and I gave him an ultimatum which didn't go down too well, as you can see).

 

From what I can tell, these posts were both referring to the same night, and referred to the same "talking" that you did. If you gave him your ultimatum about living together, and he wasn't impressed with that and told you "I dn't want to go out with you," then how did things so drastically change to where he "asked you to move in with him"?

[Tony T]

This change in tone could possibly be due to a combination of Kat's guy sobering up, changing his mind, and the difference in time between Canada (America, etc.) and Australia, where Kat lives.

 

What a difference a day and a change in sobriety makes!!!

[Kat]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

 

From what I can tell, these posts were both referring to the same night, and referred to the same "talking" that you did. If you gave him your ultimatum about living together, and he wasn't impressed with that and told you "I dn't want to go out with you," then how did things so drastically change to where he "asked you to move in with him"?

 

Yeah sorry, we were out and my ultimatum that I gave him was "Come home now and talk or we are over" we didn't actually talk the other night. It was more fighting. Of course he was drunk, so the argument we had was pretty stupid, and pathetic. The day after (yesterday here) we sat down, both sober and talk, and talked, and talked, and talked! We spoke about lots of ****, even the small **** like, "well ages ago when you said this I thought you ment this" and replied with "ahh see I didn't mean that I ment that". We then spoke about another stress on our relationship, the moving in issue. Which after I had finished talking he asked me too move in with him. We did make a few ground rules, but that is fine.

 

It is just difficult going out with someone who runs away and ignores problems, when I am such a "we have aproblems we need to talk about it"

 

Hope that make sense

[clia]

At the moment it stands that when he (at this stage it will be his house and him paying for it) gets a house my daughter and I will be moving in, and it will be our house too (just not on paper or money wise) He says he wants to buy a house on his own, and wants me to save my money for my daughters future.

 

Are you sure this is the best solution?

 

You do realize that if he decides on a whim that things aren't working for him, he can kick you out of the house at a moment's notice, and you will be left with nothing, right? It's this lack of stability that worries me for your daughter's sake. Get your name on the title. Pay part of the downpayment and part of the mortgage each month. (Whatever you can afford.) Get it in writing what you are contributing, so if things do go downhill in the future, you are left with something.

 

I still think you are better off finding a way to move out on your own.

 

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, so there is no worries there.

 

Are you sure he feels the same way about you? I'm not trying to be mean; the only reason I ask is because it seems awfully strange to me that he was set against living together, but now all of a sudden he's fine with it. When is he going to be buying this house? Anytime in the near future, or is this possibly just something he is saying to get you off his back, and something that could be years off?

 

I think I am going to wait until I find out where my b/f buys a house/unit and then, if it is closer to work than I am now, get a daycare around there and then find a place to rent. Just got to play the waiting game now

 

You should not be so dependent on where he lives before you can make this decision. (I know this is a moot point now, but I have to comment.) You should be more concerned with moving to an area that will have the best schools for your daughter, not the area where he is living. You have completely different priorities than he does at this point. There is no reason why you need to wait and see what he does first before you do something.

[Just A Girl2]

Kat,

 

Not trying to judge you at all, but am going to comment.

 

I'd asked you last night, who cares for your daughter during the evenings you're at your b/f's place (or wherever), whether it was with your pot-smoking Mom's place or not..and you explained that when you go out to a friend's place, or whatever, you take your little girl with you, and she sleeps there. Cool.

 

But....

 

It was more fighting. Of course he was drunk, so the argument we had was pretty stupid, and pathetic. The day after (yesterday here) we sat down, both sober and talk, and talked, and talked, and talked!

 

So does this mean that the night you and you b/f were drunk, and fighting, that your little girl was somewhere in this same place, sleeping? So what if something had happened to her, or she got sick and needed to go to the hospital, or whatever.......she's first of all, in an environment with drunks fighting, and who is the SOBER one who could drive her to the hospital if, god forbid, it was required?

 

I could be wrong, too, but usually when drunk people argue and fight, voices become raised, ugly things are said, it can get noisy. Do you think that's good for your little girl? Kids aren't stupid, and just because you think they are in bed and sleeping, doesn't mean they don't wake up and hear what's going on.

 

It is just difficult going out with someone who runs away and ignores problems, when I am such a "we have aproblems we need to talk about it"

 

And you think this would be a good person to live with, and raise your daughter with? Someone who runs from communicating and dealing with life's problems that arise? So what happens when you live together.......you'll want to talk about something and he'll get p*ssy and want to forget about it and then there'll be fighting and drinking and crap? Doesn't sound like a healthy or fair environment for a child.

 

And if you think that living together is going to be smooth sailing, all because you love each other, that's not enough. You already know he's been very resistant (strangely, up until now) to the idea of you moving in with you (you and your daughter)......there could inevitably be a helluva lot of friction between all of you, for a few months in the beginning......him getting used to sharing "his home" with you and your daughter, him not having the freedom he now has, etc etc.

 

Also:

 

At the moment it stands that when he (at this stage it will be his house and him paying for it) gets a house my daughter and I will be moving in, and it will be our house too (just not on paper or money wise) He says he wants to buy a house on his own, and wants me to save my money for my daughters future.

 

The impression I get when I read this is......he wants to be in control here. He doesn't want you to have to pay any of the mortgage payment, and when push comes to shove, I highly doubt your name will be on the title. Why? So that if things don't work out and he asks you to leave, you cannot come after him for your share of the equity in the home. And actually, I don't blame him in a way. If I were in a situation where I'd previously lived with my partner, and it didn't work out, and I was now buying a home of my own, I would want that home SOLELY in my name..so that if things didn't work out, he couldn't take me for half of what *I* worked hard to buy.

 

Also, don't you think that if he's the one paying for everything, that over time, he'll resent this? Him having 2 more mouths to support, in addition to his own, while he may say he has no problem with it now, I can see it being a major bone of contention down the road, most especially due to his major resistance in the past with you moving in with him.

 

Curious why he suddenly changed his mind about you 2 living together? I agree w/ Clia...it could simply be to get you off his back......it could be months or more before he actually DOES buy this house, right?

[Kat]

Are you sure this is the best solution?

 

You do realize that if he decides on a whim that things aren't working for him, he can kick you out of the house at a moment's notice, and you will be left with nothing, right? It's this lack of stability that worries me for your daughter's sake. Get your name on the title. Pay part of the downpayment and part of the mortgage each month. (Whatever you can afford.) Get it in writing what you are contributing, so if things do go downhill in the future, you are left with something.

 

I still think you are better off finding a way to move out on your own.

I understand that if he is the sole owner, and is paying it off that yes, I don't really have a leg to stand on if it goes sourer. We did talk about this and the conversation we had did outline some of the problems with that and what would occur. From that conversation I am very comfortable with the situation

 

Are you sure he feels the same way about you? I'm not trying to be mean; the only reason I ask is because it seems awfully strange to me that he was set against living together, but now all of a sudden he's fine with it. When is he going to be buying this house? Anytime in the near future, or is this possibly just something he is saying to get you off his back, and something that could be years off?

He plans on buying it within the next 6mths. I understand your concern about his sudden turn around. I was worried at first and I even said this to him, about how half an hour a go he was no I don'twant you to move in and now you are asking me to move in. I als told him that at no stage would I accept him offering or agreeing to a deal that he was not 100% comfortable with. That I did not want to be someone who forced someone to live with me and them regret it for the rest of our lives. He has told me that he wants to grow old with me, he wants to have a family one day, and retire old and grey with me. When he says all this I believe him (no I am not being niave, i really believe him when he says these things)

 

You should not be so dependent on where he lives before you can make this decision. (I know this is a moot point now, but I have to comment.) You should be more concerned with moving to an area that will have the best schools for your daughter, not the area where he is living. You have completely different priorities than he does at this point. There is no reason why you need to wait and see what he does first before you do something.

My decision is to make transfers from one house to another easier for my daughter. As much as it isn't set, my b/f is the closest thing she has to a father and I want to help that relationship grow.

[Kat]

So does this mean that the night you and you b/f were drunk, and fighting, that your little girl was somewhere in this same place, sleeping? So what if something had happened to her, or she got sick and needed to go to the hospital, or whatever.......she's first of all, in an environment with drunks fighting, and who is the SOBER one who could drive her to the hospital if, god forbid, it was required?

I think you are over blowing the situation. My b/f and I are not drunks. We do not drink every night. The night in question while we were "fighting" and when I say that I mean talking loudly, no my daughter was not around. She was home in her bed asleep, so was my mother. It was around midnight and that is where she should of been. I live around the corner from a hospital, and if there are any problems, and we happened to both be over the limit I could call an ambulance.

 

I could be wrong, too, but usually when drunk people argue and fight, voices become raised, ugly things are said, it can get noisy. Do you think that's good for your little girl? Kids aren't stupid, and just because you think they are in bed and sleeping, doesn't mean they don't wake up and hear what's going on.

As I said before it was not in front of my daughter. This was the first major argument we had had, and yes it was wrong, and you are right it isn't good for my daughter or even the two people in the relationship. We do know this and are working through these problems one by one. All in all we don't have too many issues, we just have very bad timing

And you think this would be a good person to live with, and raise your daughter with? Someone who runs from communicating and dealing with life's problems that arise? So what happens when you live together.......you'll want to talk about something and he'll get p*ssy and want to forget about it and then there'll be fighting and drinking and crap? Doesn't sound like a healthy or fair environment for a child.

This is where we have both promised to deal with this area, if it can be left for another time, let him run, if it can't we both sit down and talk, and all in all leave it for a time when we are both sober, awake, and in a fit state of mind

And if you think that living together is going to be smooth sailing, all because you love each other, that's not enough. You already know he's been very resistant (strangely, up until now) to the idea of you moving in with you (you and your daughter)......there could inevitably be a helluva lot of friction between all of you, for a few months in the beginning......him getting used to sharing "his home" with you and your daughter, him not having the freedom he now has, etc etc.

Nothing is smooth sailing off the block. We have a few things to work through, sadly however the majority of them are things we haven't delt with yet because they involve when we live together. We are both commited to make this work

 

 

The impression I get when I read this is......he wants to be in control here. He doesn't want you to have to pay any of the mortgage payment, and when push comes to shove, I highly doubt your name will be on the title. Why? So that if things don't work out and he asks you to leave, you cannot come after him for your share of the equity in the home. And actually, I don't blame him in a way. If I were in a situation where I'd previously lived with my partner, and it didn't work out, and I was now buying a home of my own, I would want that home SOLELY in my name..so that if things didn't work out, he couldn't take me for half of what *I* worked hard to buy.

He wants to be able to prove to the world that he can make it on his own, that he can buy a house by himself. That is all. He won't be paying all the bills, all the household stuff and all that. He is a man with very old fashioned values, yes in some circumstances they can be annoying, but he is what I love.

 

Also, don't you think that if he's the one paying for everything, that over time, he'll resent this? Him having 2 more mouths to support, in addition to his own, while he may say he has no problem with it now, I can see it being a major bone of contention down the road, most especially due to his major resistance in the past with you moving in with him.

If that is so, I trust him enough to talk about it with me. I can pay my own way and I am fincially independant.

Curious why he suddenly changed his mind about you 2 living together? I agree w/ Clia...it could simply be to get you off his back......it could be months or more before he actually DOES buy this house, right?

He said because he didn't know the whole story behind it. I am a very jump in do things now kind of person, he takes things very slow, and waits until he KNOWS what will happen, which in some circumstances you can't. I opened my mouth and explained, not just said "I want this" which is what I hadn't done before

[Kat]

scuse the 'bump' but.

 

We got the house We get the keys in less than two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Just A Girl2]

Um, isn't it your boyfriend who's forked out the dough to buy this house that will be in HIS name and HIS name only? Hope he can adjust to becoming an instant family, for your daughter's sake...and that your insecurities don't drive him away.

[Kat]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

Um, isn't it your boyfriend who's forked out the dough to buy this house that will be in HIS name and HIS name only? Hope he can adjust to becoming an instant family, for your daughter's sake...and that your insecurities don't drive him away.

 

Thanks for bringing your upbeat enthusiasm to the thread JustaGirl. Good to see your are consistant

[Dazza]

Good luck, hope everything works well for you both, enjoy the moment.

You sound happy, and that's gotta be good!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Kat,

 

I am a mother, too.

 

While reading through the many responses to your post, I was reminded of the best motherly advice I had ever passed along to my own daughter. And while good ‘advice’ is often difficult for her to follow (as it is for all of us), she still remembers that tidbit of hard-earned wisdom she inherited from me so many years ago. When she finally got it together enough to enter college, she repeated my words back to me…

 

I told her that the most important thing she could do for herself, as a woman, was: TO GET HER OWN. This way, a ‘relationship’ in the future would be something she wanted for the sake of love, and not something she depended on for financial stability. Only then, when she had the inner confidence that she could stand on her own two feet, would she meet her partner as an ‘equal’. Only then, could she face the uncertainty of the future knowing, that if anything should happen, she could survive on her own. Only then, could she find the strength to walk away if the relationship soured and not feel ‘stuck’ in a situation that became unhealthy or abusive.

 

Independence and self-reliance is something I never had when I was your age because I was married and raising a child since nineteen. None of us, including myself, know for certain what the future holds. And 15 years later, at age 35, I found myself divorced, unemployed, and terrified about how I was going to support myself. Only then did I realize just how much of myself I had sacrificed...Just how complacent I had become. A grown woman, I had to start from the beginning and learn in two short years what most people your age already know. I got lucky, but it wasn’t because of bravery or self-determination…I had no choice!

 

Now, I ware my independence like a badge of honor. Because I know I can stand on my own, there is no more fear in regards to the unpredictability of the future. If I had acquired this wisdom those many years ago, I may not have stayed in my unhealthy marriage for as long as I did.

 

And so, I passed this lesson along to my daughter, wishing someone had done the same for me when I was her age. My mother was also married young, and has stayed in an unhappy marriage for many, many years because she sees no escape. And no matter how your current situation turns out Kat, perhaps you should also pass this good piece of advice along to your own daughter as well. For one day, she might find herself facing the same situation that you are…

 

God Bless, and good luck.

[Kat]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Now, I ware my independence like a badge of honor. Because I know I can stand on my own, there is no more fear in regards to the unpredictability of the future. If I had acquired this wisdom those many years ago, I may not have stayed in my unhealthy marriage for as long as I did.

God Bless, and good luck.

 

So do I and I have already learnt this requirement for life.

 

Thanks I can't wait