I screwed up, need advice

[regretful]

Warning: Long story.

 

I didn't date in High School. I was far too shy and terrified of rejection. It took me until all the way through college and age 22 until I asked someone on a date. She was already a friend, but she still had to drag it out of me. We ended up dating for a couple of years and then getting married. I asked her to get married because she gave me the old "ask me soon or I'm leaving" ultimatum.

 

So, regrets so far? 1. I should have dated in high school and college and learned how to relate to women. I should have had a few sexual partners/experiences - at least a kiss or two! - before getting married. 2. I shouldn't have gotten married under duress. I should have taken the opportunity then to back out, despite my feelings of affection and maybe even love for my wife.

 

It gets worse.

 

Last year, I was unemployed for a lenght of time. My wife had a job that required extensive travel. I ended up visiting porn sites and downloading lots of porn from USENET. Eventually, I stumbled on sites that advertised the services of Escorts in my area. At first, I just used those sites as fantasy material. Eventually, it progressed. First, I started sneaking to strip clubs. Then, I upped the ante and eventually saw an escort twice within about a three month period. The first time was at her place, the second happened in our home.

 

My regret, shame, and guilt for these actions knows no bounds. It is soul-crushing. Despite my resentment at both myself and my wife over my lack of wild-oat sewing, I should never have done this, married or not. At the very, very least, I should have been honest with my wife and divorced her before having sex with anyone else - escort or not. I regret paying for sex. I regret exposing myself and my wife to these health risks (I did use condoms both times, but there was some unprotected oral contact). I hate myself still, and I don't know if I'll ever have self-respect again. This was not an emotional affair - it was all about sex and feeling like I missed out in my youth. That doesn't make it any better, it's just what it is.

 

After a couple of months, my guilt and regret finally got the better of me, and I decided that I needed to tell my wife. I did. It was heartbreaking for both of us. We had some very intense days and nights. A lot of crying and screaming. I was contrite - I don't blame her for this AT ALL. I could have left at any time instead of being a coward. We decided to seek counseling and to sell our house (she couldn't stand to even go into the bedroom again, and I don't blame her). We went to counseling. We told my mother, who was a GREAT help to us both, and started us on the healing path even more than the therapist. We moved into a temporary residence provided by family members. We began to heal. We grew closer than we ever had - everything was open and raw. Eventually, we had entire days where my wife would not bring up the issue. But still, at night everything would often come up again, and I would get verbally lashed, yelled at, etc. I deserve it, and I felt I could bear it for as long as it took for us to heal.

 

Things were going so well that we decided to start the family that we had long put off. I was still a bit uneasy about it, and in hindsight, I realize that I was only into the whole idea because of my heightened emotions at the time. I wasn't REALLY ready - neither was she really, and neither were WE. Regardless, she went off of birth control, and we figured it would take a few months to conceive.

 

I began to have second thoughts almost immediately. I felt it was irresponsible to bring a new life into such a fragile relationship. I was even having doubts about whether or not we could/should stay with one another. As much happiness as my presence seemed to bring my wife, the amount of hurt, anger, and sadness seemd far more intense and plentiful. I was becoming unable to bear the strain of watching my every word, move, and action. It was getting harder and harder to both support her and to rebuild my own fragile ego and self-esteem. Most importantly, I began to think that not only did I not want children, but that my resentment hadn't gone away - it had merely been pushed to the background, and was now resurfacing. I realized that I probably never really was "in love" with my wife even though I cared deeply for her. I made the decision to tell her that not only did I want to stop trying to have kids, but that we needed to stop and think about things, and that I was leaning towards getting divorced. I felt that, in the long run, we'd both be happier. I wanted to be a bachelor again, I wanted to be free of the prison of distrust that I'd created for myself, and I wanted her to be free to find real happiness with someone would would love her more profoundly and deeply than I obviously did.

 

The very day I made that decision, she met me for lunch and told me with joy that she was pregnant. That was four months ago. I haven't told her these thoughts at all, I've tried very hard to put on a brave and loving face. I've been as supportive as I can be, even in the face of her hormonal fluctuations. The thing is, I know in my heart that we won't make it over the long haul. So my regrets? I should have broken things off after I told her. I should have known the root causes for what I did, and not been afraid of losing her. I shouldn't have agreed to try to get pregnant. I don't want kids - but now I have one coming, and I intend to live up to those responsibilities one way or another. I'm terrified of that and saddened over her pregnancy instead of joyful. I try my best to look happy, but I know I'm pretty transparent. I took an online screening for depression and I'm off the top of the scale.

 

My questions are: Do I tell her what I had intended to tell her when she revealed the pregnancy? Do I tell her that I want to get divorced within X amount of time after the baby is born? Do I suck it up, keep my fears, regrets, and selfish desires inside and stay with her until the child is 18, miserable the whole time? Do I do whatever she wants since I'M the miserable jerk who cheated, and I am now obligated to provide for her every whim? Do I tell her all of this and then make an agreement with her to stay together for the sake of the baby? Do I let her make the choice, as I have let myself do over the entire course of the relationship? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?

[Dragonflys]

Well you told the long story very well.

 

I saw some bottom lines:

 

The voice in you head (parents) expect of you a very traditional type of life.

 

You do not love this woman, even if she is a great friend

 

You are extremely hard on yourself

 

You talk of guilt, depression and fear flowing through you like it's a river. I'm pretty sure from your post that these are the result of what you have described. You have been living a life that does not make you happy, and it has caused you to do things against what you see you should be.

Instant gratifaction actions (Porn sites, paid sex etc.) come from seeking to temporarily cover up the pain of unhappiness. It never leads you to a state of new found happiness though.

 

I guarantee nothing will change until you tell your wife that you wish for a divorce. You could probably survive being miserable, but you would risk losing a wonderful life for yourself being single or with someone you love. The best way you can ultimately take responsibility for all you have done is to get a divorce but offer to assist in the raising of the child beyond what is financial. I'm sure you two can do it given you are friends and you can gain a lot for yourself too if you are a tremendous support to her.

 

Just consider how unhappy the child will be if you are miserable. By being a support you can still love the child and the damage done by not having married parents is much much less.

 

I wish you well.

 

Oliver

[regretful]

Oliver - thanks.

 

I think I knew what I have to do, I just needed to hear it from someone else, no matter how hard it is to hear. Ultimately, I think you're right: I owe it to my child and my wife (who is foremost my friend) not to be miserable. I will drag them both into further misery.

 

I can probably be a far better father and friend if I'm happy, or at least not in so much constant pain. And the only way to get there seems to be to rip off the bandaid and cause some short term pain to us both.

 

I'm still unsure of the timing - do I have this conversation as soon as possible, or do I wait until after the birth of the child? I'm concerned for the health effects on both my wife and the child if we get into this kind of stress now. At the same time, I fear I won't have the strength or courage after the child is born. Also, what if having the child kindles new feelings of love for my wife? What then? Should I maybe wait and see how the arrival changes things, or do you think that short-term joy will fade and send me back down again?

[Tony T]

1. "Do I tell her what I had intended to tell her when she revealed the pregnancy?"

 

Yes, but do it in a kind, gentle way. This may come as somewhat of a surprise to her. You aren't doing anybody any good whatsoever to keep living a lie. You need to be forthright and honest about your feelings.

 

2. "Do I tell her that I want to get divorced within X amount of time after the baby is born?"

 

Exactly when the divorce takes place should be a mutual decision. Let her have a say in it. If she is wise, she'll want to be away from you as quickly as possible but she'll likely want some personal support through the pregnancy and birth. There may also be financial and other strategic considerations in the structure of this separation and divorce.

 

3. "Do I suck it up, keep my fears, regrets, and selfish desires inside and stay with her until the child is 18, miserable the whole time?"

 

No, none of the parties, including your child, deserve this kind of prison. But you must take 100 percent of the responsibility for all this. Your wife didn't put a gun to your head to get you to marry her. She was fully willing to leave and find someone else. YOU are the one who agreed to marry her in order to keep her in your life. Perhaps the ultimate reason for this union, in addition to the important lessons you have learned, was to bring this particular life (expected child) onto the planet.

 

4. "Do I do whatever she wants since I'M the miserable jerk who cheated, and I am now obligated to provide for her every whim?"

 

No, you discuss exactly what it will take to execute an amicable divorce as well as what level of participation you will have in the raising of the child. In addition, you need to be willing to pay child support and otherwise help your wife financially until she is able to get on for herself after the birth of the child.

 

You are not condemned to a life of pain and emptiness because you made a mistake. Doing that to yourself is simply extending the mistake ad infinitum. You are also not obligated in any way to provide for her every whim or kiss her butt in any way. Just be a man and start being honest with yourself and others.

 

5. "Do I tell her all of this and then make an agreement with her to stay together for the sake of the baby?"

 

If two parents aren't in love with each other and one or both is unhappy, the child will immediately pick up on this. The child will blame itself for the fact and end up with hopeless self esteem problems. Staying together for the sake of a child is like striking a match to dynamite to exact silence.

 

6. "Do I let her make the choice, as I have let myself do over the entire course of the relationship?"

 

No, let her have some input into how all this will be kindly executed. The two of you must stay civil and loving. But you have made the choice to leave and it wouldn't be honest to remain in a relationship that you are unhappy with. Again, it's fraud...it's a total lie. I can't fricken believe you had to wait until your wife was pregnant to finally extricate yourself from this terrible mess....but I guess that's the way it's supposed to be. Perhaps one day this child, as an adult, will make significant contributions to mankind. It will be up to you and your ex wife to ensure that the opportunities are there for that to happen.

 

7. " WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?"

 

Stay calm...stay level headed. Sit down and make the annoucements to your wife as soon as it's possible, convenient and right but don't wait for more than a week or two.

 

Be kind, be compassionate, be understanding and never raise your voice. Your wife is likely to scream with hurt and anger. Hear her out but don't answer back. You have every word she could possibly say coming and she doesn't deserve one ounce of shxt from you.

 

You better be nice to her or she'll get an attorney and rip you to bits.

 

Godspeed!

[midori]

maybe I missed it, but are you in therapy? If ever I've heard someone who sounded like they need to be in structured, regular counseling, it's you. You say that you meet the criteria for depression (of course an on-line self-assessment only goes so far), are you seeking treatment?

 

It sounds like you've had some rough times, and the impending birth of a child is stressful for both parents. Moreover, the pressures of unemployment/new job, not to mention clinical depression (if that's what you have) are also a burden on you.

 

I agree that you need to be very frank with your wife about what's going on in your head and heart. On the other hand, speaking as a woman I must say that your timing is appalling. I've never had a child but I know that if I were pregnant -- especially with my first child -- I would want my husband's love and support and affection. Now obviously you can't fake these things, and you shouldn't have to. Pregnancy is not a handicap, she shouldn't be sheltered from the truth. But I'm just wondering whether you've really got a grasp on what the truth actually is.

 

Coming at your pregnant wife with news that you want a divorce is probably going to be a very painful thing, especially given the earlier betrayals. It sounds like you have a hard time speaking up when things aren't going well for one reason or another, holding back until you reach the breaking point and then letting all hell break loose. Is that so?

 

There are problems, obviously. The respectful way to handle them is to engage your wife in dialogue. That doesn't mean going along with what she wants, doesn't mean you have to pretend to feel things you don't feel. But holding back until you can't bear it anymore and then making a unilateral decision to end the relationship is just about the worst thing I can think of doing to your partner. You're denying her any role in your internal life. If she's your friend, why are you doing that?

 

I guess what I'm advocating right now is talk to your wife. Get an actual dialogue going with her, let her hear your thought process rather than keeping all your guilt and resentment etc. pent up inside you. The other thing I would strongly strongly advise is that you get yourself into therapy ASAP. Perhaps you need to be medically treated for depression, at a minimum it sounds like you need to be addressing your issues in a structured environment.

 

I understand that you're in a lot of pain. I understand that you've thought and thought about this, and it's tormenting you. I understand that you can't bear to go on as you have been. But it would be good to get yourself into a place where you're making the decision to end the relationship mutually. If you announce you want a divorce, I think you will poison your relationship with your wife, perhaps forever.

 

I'm not saying that you should silence yourself, just the opposite. But the opposite of not communicating isn't to make a unilateral decision about your marriage. The opposite of not communicating is to engage with someone, to trust them enough to listen to you and to have your best interests at heart.

 

Please get counseling. It seems like you are in desperate need of it.

 

Good luck.

-midori

[Amazon22]

Regretful,

Before you make any move whatsoever where divorce is concerned you need to do your research!

 

Depending on the state you live in there are different laws pertaining to child custody. No matter how good of friends you think you and your wife are, or will continue to be after the divorce, you need to protect yourself, your money, etc.

 

Unless you only want to be an "every-other-weekend dad" then you had better get a damn good attourney!

 

What has been done has been done, there is no reversing that now, so just deal with it...and I mean that with respect. You have two major things to focus on right now, #1 the birth of your child and #2 Rebuilding your self esteem and confidence, etc.

 

Although your wife is going through some major "changes" right now, the longer you wait the worse it will get, for all of you. I am sure you already know that...it's nothing new.

 

I have never been in your situation, and hope to God that I never am...however I just ended a relationship with a man who is divorced with a 7 year old daughter. He goes through so much sh*t all of the time becuase of his ex-wife and her manipulative ways. That's a long story though.

 

All I can say is that I hear him talk about all of this stuff that could have been prevented if he had only taken the proper steps in the first place! Go to a lawyer first thing in the morning(by yourself) and get any and all info you can. Just remember that there are ways around everything...holes in the system, etc... The fact that you cheated on her will be in her favor...but that's just the tip of the ice-berg.

 

I wish you the best. You are an intelligent man, and you have your wife and your child in your best interests. That already shows that you have come a long way! Good Luck and God Bless!

 

-Haley

[regretful]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

I don't intend to make any unilateral decisions. I want to talk all of this out with her, as painful as it will be, and come to a mutual decision that benefits all of us. Our communication hasn't been totally shut down - I've let on some of my misgivings (she actually shares some misgivings about the timing of the pregnancy as well - we didn't think we'd be this fertile and conceive so quickly after years of birth control!)

 

I will be seeking therapy/counseling also. We talked about that last night, as she can see my pain. She said that maybe I needed to say some things to someone else that I wasn't ready to say to her, or that I was afraid to tell her because I was trying to protect her and her feelings.

 

Who knows, maybe in talking all of this out with a therapist and my wife, we might come to a very different place and a very different decision. I can feel the edges of clarity about this situation poking their way into my mind, but I'm not there yet. Hell, just typing this all out and hearing your input is helping tremendously. I still feel we need to think long and hard about this - I don't want to throw away a chance at something that could blossom again. At the same time, I don't want this to drag on into infinity in perpetual limbo. As usual, I'm paralyzed when it comes to making decsions of this magnitude. I think I need to trust my wife and the enormous support she has been able to somehow show me in the face of adversity and betrayal. Both of us are stronger people right now, and if we just fricken TALK about this stuff, it will get resolved. I need to be an adult and a man, for once.

 

Whatever happens, I will support this child and do my best to be a positive force in his/her life, and to be a friend to my wife.

 

So, therapy, discussion, mutual decision making will be the order of the day.

[midori]

that's really good.

 

I was in a relationship with a man who had a lot of issues. He refused to discuss them with me, he didn't want to "burden" me. That might have been partly true, but the bigger thing was that he didn't want or know how to begin to address the things that he'd been hiding from for years, things that had nothing to do with me or our relationship specifically, but which of course inevitably affected it. He ended it, unilaterally, after shutting me out. Then a few months later he changed his mind and we got back together. Cycle repeated a few times. He never opened up to me. At the time of our final break-up he said, "if I can't get close to you I don't think I'll be able to get close to anyone."

 

He hasn't addressed his issues yet, and from what I understand he's still a messed up guy when it comes to love and relationships. It's hard work, and you have to be really serious about it if you're going to see it through. As you say, if you actually start a dialogue with your wife and a therapist, you may reach a conclusion that you haven't even imagined yet. Rather exciting prospect in a way, when you think about it.

 

Whatever the outcome, please make it one that you make calmly, consciously and not out of unexplored fears and assumptions. Having doubts doesnt' make you unworthy, but letting them dominate you can lead you to make soem bad decisions that you may well live to regret.

 

The pregnancy is bad timing ... yes ... but on the other hand, it has forced you to confront your doubts (which were there before the pregnancy and would be there now if your wife weren't pregnant, perhaps just not so strong yet). And it's making it more difficult for you to just walk away from the woman you describe as your best friend. Which shouldn't be an easy thing to do, although it sounds like it's the easiest way out at the moment. Maybe in making the "easy route" more difficult, the pregnancy is doing you a favor by not allowing you to make a hasty decision.

 

Good luck.

[quankanne]

[color=indigo]Both of us are stronger people right now, and if we just fricken TALK about this stuff, it will get resolved.[/color]

 

Sometimes it's harder to open up and say what's troubling us, because we've got it fixed in our mind that the ones we love are going to react a certain way, so we base a whole made up "conversation" based on our assumptions. But I've found that when this happens, I usually get thrown for a loop because my husband (or friend or co-worker or family member) doesn't react how I think they will. If your wife suspects something serious is troubling you, she's already halfway there, so don't give up hope that y'all can resolve this in a way that's best for both of you.

 

Also, take advantage of counseling -- sometimes it makes a world of difference when you're able air out some of your feelings to someone who isn't going to judge those feelings, but give you some tools to help you figure out what to do next.

 

I wish you and your wife the best as you figure out how to go from here,

jo anne

[pinkroses]

to your situation. I was married at 25 without ever seriously dating in my teens, and I also feel that was a mistake. My husband was the first man who ever kissed me or bedded me. I didn't realize until I'd been married a few months, that I had no idea what it felt like to be in love. I just thought I'd met the right person, and I didn't put much into sparks and emotions. I also became curious about what others might be like, and felt I had missed out. I had a child three years later, because I felt like it was time and I wanted one. After that my marriage fell apart and I was divorced when my son was a year and a half old. I almost cheated on my husband before I actually filed for divorce. I have guilt over that. I had good reasons to get divorced, but I still felt guilty over my own part in things.

 

You certainly shouldn't resign yourself to a life of misery, but you need to take responsibility for the "bed you've made." I'm impressed that you are taking blame for your part in things, I haven't heard any accusations thrown at your wife. You're already ahead of a lot of guys just owning up to your mistakes. You'll definitely want to let your intentions and feelings be known to your wife. Don't do her wrong by pretending or living a lie. And please get counseling, for both of you. Concentrate on working out an arrangement for the child who will soon be a part of both of your lives.