Chinook Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Folks Just a general question. I'm just asking a question which is kinda intriguing me at the moment. I have quite a few guypals and for the majority of them (probably at least 6-7 of them - out of a circle of arond 10-11) they've been in relationships for some time. Recently I've spoken to a couple of the guys and they don't seem to be getting any nookie. A couple of the guys are supposed to be getting married - one 2010 and the other 2011. Within our circle I'm probably the oldest so both the guys and the girls come to me to ask for advice or help with stuff (plus I have a healthcare related job). Anyhow the guys initially asked what the deal is with their girlies, do they not find them attractive and whatnot. Of course, I was stumped because I don't understand it - for me in my relationships, sex is a big part of how I care about someone, so I don't understand the frigidity thing. Anyhow, when I've asked them have they talked about it or tried to work out what the deal is. One of the guys says his girl comes back with "I'm tired" or "I'm not in the mood" etc and a couple of guys, their girls wont even talk about it. But the problem is, these guys are in relationships which aren't really fulfilling and I dont know what to tell them or advise them aside from "well it's not all about the sex" and "if you don't like it, then you're taking someone's time up who could be happy elsewhere". I understand the 'it's not all about the sex' thing. But one of the guys, his girlfriend hasn't had sex with him for over a year. I just don't get that and he insists he isn't going down the route of finding someone else or asking her to do it for him rather than herself cos that will make him feel like crap. Anyone else any experience in their relationships of why this happens...? Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 This is so common it's almost cliché. You know that old joke? "What's the one food that's guaranteed to destroy a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake." Well, there's a TON of truth to that, unfortunately. Personally, I believe that sex is the number one foundational component of a relationship. If the couple's sex life is strong, everything else will pretty much fall into place. But when sex is continually denied, that spells doom for a relationship. Frankly, yes, it is all about sex. Now, the women in question will very likely come up with some sort of excuse, things like, "He never does those special things for me anymore" and "He doesn't make me feel attractive" and "If he'd only help around the house more often..." and all the rest. Thing is, if the women were having sex with their men, then they'd be more likely to do those things. But when a man is continually rejected and pushed away, it's not just a denial of sex: it's a rejection of who he is as a man, as a partner, as a human being. It's the second-biggest kick in the stones a man gets (next to the "let's just be friends" line). I wish women would get this. It all starts in the bedroom (or on the stairs, or on top of the washer on spin cycle... to each their own, right). All of it. The guys in question have to be abundantly clear to their partners that what they - the partners - are doing is destroying the relationship, one rejection at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chinook Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hiya Thadd Thanks for that. I'm a girl... and I'm single and even I think like you do. I just don't understand why these girls don't get it that guys need that physical stuff to pull them closer to them. *sigh* I wouldn't mind but the guys who are both getting married, they're both lovely guys (not that my other friends aren't) and they'd make fab husbands and fathers and whatnot. One of them has already said he may not make it to 2010 because he may well have gotten so fed up by then he'd have to end things. That sounded pretty bad to me, for someone who is supposedly in love and wants to get married. His reasoning he said was even though he loves his girl a lot, he simply cannot imagine a lifetime with someone with no sex... and I have to agree with him. I couldn't imagine it either..!! In fact, in the case of his girl in particular, I'm kinda annoyed with her because you know expecting that from your partner...? I just find that so unbelievable. I can see how it happens AFTER marriage - but even before getting there...?!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 If the couple's sex life is strong, everything else will pretty much fall into place. That may be true for a man, but I'm here to testify that it didn't work for me. Sex was the ONLY part of my marriage that DID work. Everything else was a disaster. Power and control issues between us, along with fundamental differences in backgrounds, upbringing, and attitudes toward marriage and male/female roles, all piled up and destroyed the marriage. I believe in the saying that if a couple's sex life is good, sex is not important in the relationship. But if it's not good, then sex takes on ultimate importance and becomes a dealbreaker. The guys in question have to be abundantly clear to their partners that what they - the partners - are doing is destroying the relationship, one rejection at a time. And I'd like to see guys step up to the plate also. There is a possibility that the guy is inept in bed. He's just not doing it for her... and she starts viewing it as a chore, or even an unpleasurable activity - because she's not getting anything out of it! It takes two to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 You know what this problem stems from? The women shut down the sex because of other problems in the relationship. Women need to talk to their men about whatever is wrong instead of shutting down the sex, or at least tell us WHY they're shutting down the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Currently exiting a M, but, no way, no how, will I ever waste my time with woman who can't be physically and emotionally intimate. I mean, I'd rather live with my best male friend. It's the physical and emotional intimacy that separates romantic relationships from platonic ones. I got me a nice cat, who's curled up next to me. It's going to take a lot for a woman to displace that cat. Link to post Share on other sites
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