i really need to vent here!

[Crystal]

today i realized something that has me totally frustrated and angry at the world.

 

my b'f and i went to the gym to work out and on the way back somehow the subject of his moods came up..

 

jokingly i said he needs to be on some mood stablizer, i have said this to him before but i was very serious at the time.

 

he commented back that that is the answer for everything for me, to use medications, like celexa.

 

i told him he needed it MORE then what i do...

 

he said back that if he didnt have to work with such incompent people he would not get so stressed out!

 

i told him you are talking about my daughter and your family.

 

he said back that all he asks for is a simple request and no one seems to be able to do it.

 

i told him he was soo dammed arrogant and perfect acting that it was not even funny!!

 

then we were not really fighint or arguning but more or less bickering back and forth..

 

so then a few minutes later i told him i was going up the road to the new target to see if they were hiring yet for xmas help.

 

i really need a job with more hours, and he knows that i am looking now.

 

so he suggested i ask the security guard down there about other stores opening there.

 

i reminded him that they dont open until november...

he threw at me, then fine then i guess you just dont want to work!

 

just because i said that they dont open till november...

i told dont put words in my mouth, i NEVER said that!

 

anyway..he left for work then...and i sat here thinking about this conversation, i cannot get it off my mind..

 

what i came to realize is that the reason iam taking the celexa is to try to quit with the fantasy about moving away from him, leaving him, and to deal with him in a better way.

 

HE IS THE REASON I AM ON THIS MEDICATION AND HE IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS IT!!!

 

daily i go through this fantasy in my mind where i just pack up and leave and have a better life alone!

 

this comes up mostly when he gets like this, not when things are going smooth tho.

 

this whole conversation with him today was not about work, or about the meds it was just one of his moods that he got into and this is the results of it.

 

this is what i go through when he gets in his moods...he is so easily irritated i hate it..

 

he called a while ago and apologized...

i dont care about the apologizing anymore..

 

it has gone beyond that now days...

i tell him instead of having to apologize for

saying hurtful things, just dont say the hurtful

things, but still he forgets..

 

i really wish he would get on something but he wont do it..

i have told him several times that he needs to do something about it but still he thinks i am the one who needs help here.

 

ohhhh brother...anyway...that is all i had to say...

any comments appreciated and welcome'd..

[Ally Boo]

You can't make him take something if he doesn't want to. He apparently doesn't see that he has a problem. You either have to wait it out to see if he changes his perspective.

 

If you want to leave, just do it. I left EVERYTHING when I left my husband, but my worst day alone is better than my best days with him.

 

You aren't being fair to him or yourself to stay and you don't want to. Why are you doing this to yourself?

[quankanne]

as much as you want to "fix" your guy so he'll be a nicer person, it's just not going to happen, and you'll only make yourself more miserable. The only one you'll have success with "fixing" is yourself. Forget about his nastly little ways and concentrate on you. If that means just ****-canning the guy, then do it. If it means finding ways to try to work it out with him, then do that. He's always going to have his nasty little side, because to be honest, we all do, especially when things aren't working out the way we expect or want them to. But that's okay, because ... we can only fix ourselves.

 

you'd mentioned in earlier postings that you are interested in working, but have a hard time because of a phobia (agoraphobia) you've got. Even if it takes you a while to get where you want to go, don't give up that goal of getting a job you can live with. Even if he gripes and moans about how you're handling things, it's your decisions how to handle them, not his.

 

as for his comments about with working with incompetents, as much it hurts to hear it, just blow it off. Is it really worth making yourself miserable over, especially when you know his bad moods aren't permanent? Or is it time to act on what your mind has been telling you to do, and to leave him? As upset as you get with him, is he really worth staying with in the end?

[Crystal]

thank you for the kick in the butt..

my agoraphobia is getting so much better now that i have been on anti-depressants (celexa) for the anxiety part of it.

 

i have been working alot more then all of a sudden for this week i have absolutely NOOOO work!

 

it is not technically my fault that my job rises and falls like it does.

it is however my fault that ihave not been able to get to more jobs and have cancelled alot of jobs in the past due to the anxiety.

 

it seems the more i fix myself tho that the less i am being able to tollerate him!

 

i think he knows that i have been thinking about alot of stuff lately, namely us, because all of a sudden when he gets in his moods then feels bad later, he brings up the marriage part and wants to get started on the classes that we must attend.

 

today i was to go to the church and ask them about the anullment, it was on my list of things to do along with filling out applications, which i did.

 

however on my way to the church, he had called me, and started saying crap again about my daughter and that she had NOT checked his message since 8:00 that morning and it was not 1:00.

 

so that is his problem with her, and i tell him do not tell me this stuff cause i am only going to defend her and think bad about you, still he forgets i guess.

 

 

the problem is being so torn between what my heart tells me and what my head has been telling me now for a very long time.

 

it is hard to leave with the problems that i have had recently, medical and anxiety wise.

 

how does one drive themself to another state in such a condition?

 

because that is what i would do, i would leave this state and never come back...

 

i know i cant change him, i cant make him take meds to control his temper, moods, outbursts, and he really needs something to break that flippn ego of his, uggggh.

 

anyway...i really needed to vent here, and at times it just helps to put things in words so you can see what you are feeling..

 

perhaps i should just buy a journal..lol

all things have been taken into consideration..

i have also saved 1200.00 just in case my heart does not get ahold of my head when the time comes...

 

thanks so much, Crystal

[Crystal]

thank you for the comments...

just curious how old you are?

 

i am wondering because the posts i've read from you are so simple and innocent.

 

i wish i could think that way too....

 

i am going to keep that in mind what you said about "my worst day alone is better than my best days with him".

 

i just wish everyday was worse, but it is the highs and lows that keep me here, i think anyway..

 

cause when he is good he is very good but when he is a jerk he is REALLY a jerk...

 

thanks for the reply!

[butterflyz]

if being in a relationship is causing you to go on an anti-depressant, get rid of the guy.

 

i used to take a stomach muscle relaxer when i was married. about 3 months after the divorce, i noticed that i wasn't taking them anymore. goes to show you that sometimes your physical problems (i.e., maybe your agoraphobia) is due to the stress of being with this schmuck.

[Crystal]

lmao!

THAT WAS FUNNY SORRY..

ehem...

 

i have seriously thought my agoraphobia could have been brought on by the stress of this relationship at times.

 

i developed hypothyroid disorder about two years ago while on a trip 800 miles away to see my family that i had not seen in 8 years.

 

i think the stress of that journey, very emotional for me, brought on the thyroid disorder.

 

when that happened, that is when i developed the agoraphobia because of the extreme intense anxiety i was going through from the thyroid disorder.

 

i am still working to regulate that problem as well.

i do not know if the anxiety/agoraphobia is from the thyroid problem or from this relationship.

 

i know that i have had a problem with jealousy and the anxiety, and some control issues, and that the celexa has helped greatly with it all.

 

still it does not help wth HIS moods..it helps me at times to deal better with his changing moods and at times his harsh remarks, but no that is not the way i want to live.

 

he is the one who should be on something and he knows that i think this way about him.

 

still things like today, hearing about the new shooting in the D.C area and hearing that suddam insane has been re-elected for another 7 year term..

 

and hearing the guy on the t.v. saying that "we made president clinton dizzy, just wait to you see what we do with bush".

 

that is scarie, and then it brings me comfort to be have someone to hold, or to hold me at night...

 

other times when i am mad i dont think about those things..but like right now, after hearing them, i feel safe, protected and loved..

 

sick huh?

 

maybe i have a different type of mood disorder myself? hmmm...worth thinking about huh?

 

thank you also for the input...i so much appreciate it all!

Crystal

[quankanne]

... and I hope you will be as butt-kicky when I finally start posting on this forum about how I just can't handling being related to some of the people I am (but that's fodder for another time).

 

I think interpersonal relationships are probably the hardest thing we face, esp. when it's with a significant other. Esp. when they're jerks! First and foremost, you need to focus on helping yourself heal, whether it be the anxiety and depression or your phobia. To an outsider, this looks like problems with simple solutions, but to the one having to live through them, it's a whole other ball of wax, so I'm not going to razz you about what you're going through. Just encourage you to remember that you're still the one in control of what you feel and do.

 

as for the boyfriend, don't be nice when you tell him to leave his work problems at work! If he's going to rag, tell him to do it somewhere else. Be forceful about it too. Or resort to what little kids do: stick your fingers in your ears and start singing "la-la-la-la" until he gets the picture. Juvenile, yes, but it can do the trick. Don't waste your energy trying to get him to change, it just won't happen.

 

and don't give up on the job situation, either. Something will work out, even if it means creating a job where you can market your skills/talents directly to the public. One of the girls I went to college with started up her own company, basically taking jobs editing other people's material for their businesses, etc. I don't know what kind of income she makes from it, but I know that she's a natural for the job since she used to do a good job editing the campus paper (term papers, too, if we could sweet talk her into reading them!). I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're in control, even when it doesn't feel like you are.

 

"I think he knows that i have been thinking about alot of stuff lately, namely us, because all of a sudden when he gets in his moods then feels bad later, he brings up the marriage part and wants to get started on the classes that we must attend."

 

sounds like a serious case of co-dependence. He can't be grumpy and miserable and have bad moods unless he's got someone to unleash them on. My dad can be like that, though I've realized that a lot of his tantrums are directly related to low blood sugar spells (he's diabetic), and we try to deflect them by making sure eats decent food on a regular basis. Could it be something as simple as that? (low blood sugar, headaches, phobias, etc?) Might be worth considering if you still him him as part of your future.

 

to sum it up, part of of the battle is recognizing the booby traps and worst case scenerios and factoring them in your strategy. the other part is remembering that everything starts out with baby steps, and gradually advances to a faster pace that you can live with.

[quankanne]

"Might be worth considering if you still him him as part of your future."

 

... still "see" him as part of your future! (Damned spelling gremlins ....)

[Ally Boo]

I'm 24 years old. I actually had to be put on anti depressants when I was married....I gained 100 lbs when I was married in that short year and a half. After leaving him, and losing about 70lbs, I'm not as depressed anymore.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still have my days. That's why I'm in therapy, and she's teaching me to chill out. My ex bf, although it didn't last long, taught me that life is VERY short, and that you should take the time and enjoy it....even if that means buying something silly that is probably a waste of money, but would make you, or someone you love feel good.

 

I'm learning that you can't change anything or anyone, but yourself. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like....WHY DONT YOU CHANGE IT?? My life is too precious for me to waste it on people who are going to not be worthy of it, or are just going to bring me down.

 

 

Here's some food for thought:

 

Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don't take it personally. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so whatever they think about you is not about you, but it is about them.

 

If Negativity lives in your life....its bc you gave it your address.

 

And while I'm at it, find a copy of the song "A lot of Things Different" by Kenny Chesney. Its a brand new song and WILL change your life. Its country, yes, but it is one of the most well written songs of all time. I encourage everyone who reads this post to PLEASE listen to it.

 

 

Oh and one more thing....

 

Happiness is not a feeling, its a DECISION!!!!! NEVER forget that!

[quankanne]

attitude is everything, and you'd be amazed at how your outlook changes how you respond to things, Crystal. If your guy's a jerk, that's his problem -- you just tune him out and don't let him ruin your mood. When you do that often enough, you see that people like him don't have the power to make your life miserable -- you're responsible for your own happiness.

[Crystal]

well thank you for that information, quite interesting really.

i hope you wont mind that i copied and pasted on the little quotes on the bottom and sent them to some friends..

 

i am of course keeping them for myself as well.

sounds like you had it rough for a while but made a pretty good comeback..

 

i commend you on that!

i have a neice who is 25 with two kids, and i have been trying sooo hard to drill into her head how short life really is..

 

they think cause they are so young that they have forever to live yet.

 

totally not aware of how fast it goes!

i cannot believe it myself how fast it went.

 

already 45 and i am still tryin got decide what i want to do when i grow up! eeeeeeek!

 

i really like your philsophy on things, they are quite wise for someone of your age..

 

iwish i had learned that when i was alot younger then instead of having to learn it all now..but better late then never i guess..

 

thank you so much for sharing...i appreciate the simplicity of your posts...

 

 

Crystal...

[Crystal]

thank you again for the post..

just wanted to tell you that i am going to try to seperate my problems from his..

 

i really like the attitude is everything idea...if i let his bad moods control me then i have no control over myself, right?

 

today i made it to one store to fill out an application and a couple other errands i had to do before i had to come home and catch my breath..but i did it!

 

i just had an interesting conversation with him about his work...i told him he shouldnt be taking on so much work as it is too stressful for him.

 

he said he just needs some more help...i told him he has three assistants for crying out loud, that is more then most people can even expect to have!

 

his mom, my daughter and myself all do work for him, yes he is a grump when things start to get too out of hand..

 

anyway....when he is at work he is the worst person to know in this world...

 

he is a total jerky butthead butthead...

then when he comes home he is the most sweetest, loving person and very loveable and affectionate..

 

hard to believe he is the same person during the day!

that is what makes things so hard to leave him..

 

it is like literally living with two different people..

it is like during the day, he cant be bothered with petty things, it is strictly work, work, work, business, business business..

 

i find it very funny that you would think him as co-dependent!

he is the most arrogant, indepent, self-centered person i have ever met..

 

his good points tho are that he is very giving, generous to his family and myself and my kids too.

 

so thinking of what a hard ass he is at work and how business savvy he is, it seems funny to think him anything but independent..

 

but now that you mentioned it....hmmm...

anyway...thanks again for all the feedback..

 

i really do appreciate it all from everybody...thanks again, Crystal

[butterflyz]

the two of you thrive off the craziness that exists between the two of you because it's all about the drama.

 

Crystal, i don't think you are crazy to want to have someone to hold and love. that will be the one thing that i will never have. and that will be because it is my choice to do so. after a while, so much bad has happened, nothing can ever make it good again. so you accept your defeats with your head held high and accept the cards you were dealt.

 

i personally could not work with a lover. i would want my own money, my own identity, etc. and you get to avoid the fights that are inevitable when working together and you have a controlling person in the mix.

 

maybe you could each have your own place. maybe the distance would help some of your physical problems, bringing some peace and quiet. i know my acne is brought on by stress. and now i realize that the irritable bowel problems, the canker sores, etc. were brought on by subjecting myself to terrible situations. and some of those situations i could not avoid (like in childhood).

 

good luck.

[Ally Boo]

Maybe you should just look at your options. My boyfriend is the same way. He's such a TOTAL "butthead butthead" but then is the most wonderful person in the world. But we are the same way....hello?? PMS! It goes both ways, and if you love him more than you resent him for the stress, then just stay with him but set boundaries. Maybe try to get your own place...or maybe try seeing a counseler to give you an outside perspective. You can do it!

[Crystal]

getting my own place is NOT an option because i cannot afford it anyway...

 

i finally found a therapist who specializes with anxiety, depression, relationships and change of life issues!!!

 

the other place i USE to go for counseling, took three weeks to call me back, after i had called them numerous times to get back in counseling..

 

they told me yesterday that they had too many cutbacks now and were only offering group classes but gave me these referrals for sliding fee places..

 

i got an appt. with this lady tomorrow at 3:00, the one above who does all this stuff..

 

best part if i only have to pay $45.00...not bad compared to like $80.00 and up for most places!

 

today and yesterday i have been in a total funk...

i increased my celexa today from 10 mgs to 15 mns, and am working up to the prescribed 20 mgs..

 

i dont know why i feel so down the last couple days but i just hate it..

 

no motivation, just wanting to hide from everybody too.

i was suppose to work today at my b'f's brothers shop but i was really not feeling well this a.m, and was up at 5:30 with a very nauseated tummy..

 

it feels alot better now but i am still feeling so down...

my b'f called and left a message asking "what's wrong now".

 

oh well...i get tired of not being able to feel sick without the guilt how dumb huh?

 

anyway....i am going to go eat some toast and see if i can feel a little better yet in my tummy...

 

thanks for the encouragement, i truly appreciate it!

[Just A Girl2]

Don't you ever just get really tired of all the problems you have? And the excuses you feel you need to make? Can't you ever just get your butt out the door to work and not make an excuse as to why you couldn't? Do you think your boyfriend really respects you and your many problems and excuses? It must really drain on him, it's now wonder he leaves messages saying "what's wrong now?" I think you use things like depression and anxiety and social phobias and health problems as a convenient excuse to do what you want, when you want, because you like to be in control. You act very child like. Wonder why your boyfriend puts up with it all the time? Poor guy.

[Crystal]

first of all if you think having anxiety and agoraphobia is a fun thing to have , then obviously you've never had either or you would not even think for a moment that what you said could possibly even be true!

 

2nd of all i am on medication for this problem, and i dont need grief from some dammed stranger on a message board, when i have enough problems of my own right here inside of me!

 

3rd, i dont need an excuse or a reason to have to fake anxiety or anything else that is going on in my body!

if i was sooooo in control as you "think" i would of moved on by now!

 

so why dont you just keep your lame ass assessments to your self, because all they do is breed anger and hostility, and all you are doing is making false claims about something you know absolutely nothing about!

 

you think my boyfriend is drained from meee??? try living with him, for some reason people on here have him pegged as a saint and while that is the furthest thing from reality, such a pity to be blamed for it all..

 

so think before you bark next time!

[butterflyz]

by you staying with this jerk, people will continue to think he's a saint. they are probably thinking, "if he was so bad, she'd leave."

 

so, if you really want people to see the situation for what it really is then leave him. once you remove yourself from this situation, you'll see that your physical and emotional problems will ease up considerably and you'll be happy to be free from this jerk.

[quankanne]

JAG2, you've got some very distinct opinions there, and while on the outset it appears that Crystal probably could just walk away from all of her problems, get on with life, what-have-you, the reality of what she's facing is much, much more complicated. Especially when you factor in physical problems and emotional responses.

 

When someone is in chronic pain -- from injury, from disease -- the body's natural response to incessant pain is depression, separate and different from the kind of depression we've seen/heard about. And because of this depressed state, it's very hard to function, even in seemingly easy situations. So I really can't justify ragging on Crystal for her body's chemical "rebellion" to her physical problems even if I think I've got simple solutions for her. The best we can do is give her encouragement to try to work through what needs to be worked through, because really, she's the only one who can fully appreciate what she's having to live through.

 

Crystal -- good luck with the new counselor, maybe she'll help you find a solution that takes into account all the physical/hormonal factors of your case. I know that I could have danced for joy when, during the last visit to his doctor, my husband was FINALLY given a mild anti-depressant (and an appointment with the VA's mental health clinic) as part of the pain management program for damaged disks in his lower back. It took them eight months to listen to us, even though back in February one of the VA doctors had explained that the body goes into a state of depression from trying to cope with pain from severe injuries and suggested that counseling and medications could help alleviate the problem some! (Until he explained that to Richard, neither he nor I fully understood the connection between his physical pain and the anxiety and depression he was experiencing.) So hang in there, it'll work out.

[Crystal]

i fully understand what you are both saying, and i appreciate it very much.

 

it is NOT as easy as it seems to just walk away from someone you love in your heart.

 

i have a constant on-going struggle between my heart telling me to stay and my head telling me to leave!

 

there lye's the deliemma...if i could walk away without taking my heart with me, i'd done so long ago.

 

it is sorta like a child being abused, you know, they rely on their mother for instance to protect, love and comfort them, but if the mother is also the abuser, after being abused from the mother, they also TURN back to the mother for the comfort.

 

i don't know if that made any sense or not, but that is how it is here with my b'f.

 

he can be such a first class jerk when he is in one of his moods, then come home and be the most sweetest, loving, caring man i have ever met....thus the confussion once again.

 

along with the anxiety/agoraphobia, it is also very hard to just up and leave.

 

tho maybe leaving would rid me of alot of ailments, it could also in turn make them worse again for a time being.

 

stress was the leading factor in my thyroid going so out of whack to begin with..

 

it was on it's way out but a trip i made 800 miles away to visit my family after not seeing them for 8 years, really did me in, or so i think.

 

so i think even good stress can be a factor in getting better..when i feel strong enough, emotinally and physically then i will decide what i need to do.

 

the main problem is with his moods....

dealing with them and being at his mercy because of the work/health situation.

 

i filled out about six applications last week and have not heard from anybody yet!

 

still i will continue to try...

thanks quakanne for saying things much better then what i can,

i appreciate your support very very much!!!

 

i cannot wait till my next counseling session either..

today i increased my celexa to the full 20 mgs i am suppose to be at..hope he helps SOOOON!

[butterflyz]

about your battle with your heart.

 

when someone treats you badly and hurts you, you can't just shut off the love that was once in your heart. and you will leave some of your heart behind you when you leave him.

 

and there's pain and stress associated with that, but, in the long run, the pain and stress you are going through now will continue and get worse as you stay with him.

 

there's a cycle of "violence" that you are going through with him. he is mentally abusing you Crystal. there is always the honeymoon period and the tension and outbursts soon follow.

 

so, yes you are returning to your abuser time and time again.

 

i don't think i can convince you that by staying with this guy you will get sicker and sicker. talk to your therapist about the cycle of abuse and see if what you are going through coincides with the literature.

 

if you can get a job and even stay with a friend for a while, till you get on your feet, you will feel so good about yourself that the stress and pain of losing your heart will disappear and will be replaced with the rebirth of the love of yourself.

[Crystal]

how very sweetly put, i really enjoyed reading that and read it a few times as well.

 

as much as i complain about him, and i KNOW he has his fair share of complaining about me as well, because i KNOW i am not perfect or a little angel by any means.

 

i also know that when i get angry i dont ever take it out on him, i have never said mean and hurtful things to him, tho i could, i dont have temper outbursts like he does ,etc...

 

anyway, this is one issue that i WILL definitely address in counseling next week!

 

the other thing is that all the time i seem to keep one foot out the door and that has come up last week in counseling as a possible factor, a negative one, in our relationship.

 

maybe by my doing that makes it hard for me to commit and maybe he can feel/sense that and that puts tension on him/us.

 

ohhh i dont know, just a thought anyway..

i just called one of the places i was really hoping for a job with, but the lady said that they had already filled all the positions..

 

i got a postcard from another one today stating they will keep my application on hand but were not hiring right now anyway.

 

so back to square one...sigh

 

thank you so much for the help, you are really nice and sweet and i appreciate the thought and effort you put into your messages and not just to me but to others as well..

 

thanks again..Crystal

[butterflyz]

it will take a long time to find the right fit. have you thought about going to a temp agency, to fill the void of a permanent job? many of those jobs are temp-to-perm. this way you would have a foot in the door ahead of applicants that the company doesn't even know.

 

i'm glad you found a counselor you can trust.

 

yeah, having one foot out the door creates an unstable footing for any relationship. in regards to my two marriages, i was 100% commited both times, but it's not enough always. i've become more elusive over time, because after you've been so hurt by people, you don't want to expose yourself anymore. and after a while.......you realize that everything you need is inside of you.......and the longing for romantic companionship is secondary.

[Just A Girl2]

Originally posted by Beth

There are so many hypochondriacs on this board. Grow up.

 

As I look around these forums, I see there are a lot of really dysfunctional, needy, insecure women, who coddle each other, who encourage the delusions of each other.....who do nothing but try and make excuses for the dysfunctional and immature behavior of one another.

 

people like Crystal absolutely thrive on having people who feel sorry for her, who come up with very creatives reasons for her being the codependent, excuse-making gal that she is.

 

Reminds me of those women's self help groups/circles you hear about......where a bunch of mixed up, messed up, dysfunctional, self-appointed victims, lovers-of-chaos, sit around in a circle and feed each other's delusions and distorted perceptions and views. Instead of anyone piping up and saying, "Come on now, let's take responsibility for how we feel, act, think, behave.......let's DO something instead of sitting around and moping and complaining"..........they sit around enabling one another to NOT take responsibility for their own lives.

 

Beth: read posts from Butterflyz, then read the doting posts from the "gals" here. The woman is clearly paranoid to the max, making ludicrous allegations about a stalker (oh it's some crazy sh**) and not one of these "gals" seems to question any of what she writes..they just, like little sheep, believe ever word and offer all this sympathy.

 

There are some people here who really need extensive, intensive psychiatric help. But instead, they're the ones giving advice to the other dysfunctional ones. The blind leading the blind.