y'all talk about challenge...

[yes]

women love challenge & guys who seem to be just fine w/out them in their lives. same for men, right?

 

but if both sides act like a challenge, doesn't it end up looking like they don't need each other anyway? do u know what i mean? if both sides pull their way, how does a connection get created? how do the sides know they do need each other, they just don't show it so that they're a challenge?

 

I can kind of see how it can work, actually, but i'd like to hear some opinions plz

 

Thanks,

 

-yes

 

PS My version is that the way it works is both sides show their feelings, but not very often ... right?? so that the other side has room for doubts?? smth like that?

[Tony T]

1. "women love challenge & guys who seem to be just fine w/out them in their lives. same for men, right?"

 

I don't think this is true in all cases. Yes, both men and women like challenges but we're not talking triathalon competition here. We are talking about men and women liking people who are not so readily available, not so easy to get, not so lovesick...it's not asking a lot.

 

Very few people find neediness and over-sweetness a sexy thing, even after they get to know the person. Most people are looking for a well balanced individual who is kind and considerate but who also has boundaries and has a life of his or her own outside the dating relationship.

 

2. "but if both sides act like a challenge, doesn't it end up looking like they don't need each other anyway?"

 

It doesn't sound very romantic but nobody NEEDS any particular human being to be happy. If that were the case, it would be an awfully unhappy world. Yes, it would be nice if we had the opportunity to get to know this or that person...but if it doesn't happen, it's certainly not the end of the world.

 

It takes somebody with an IQ of slightly below average or better to understand that it's a romantic thing to tell the other person they are needed and that's nice and sweet...but it's not really the truth. What we are saying is that we really love to be with that person.

 

When the day is over, I don't think many people feel very comfortable being with somebody who NEEDS them really bad. That's an awful lot of pressure to be under and it can put a lot of stress on a relationship. It think it's much better to tell a person you really love to be with them and you really love their company. Neediness is NOT sexy at all.

 

We don't ACT like a challenge, a sharp person will just be the part naturally and have his or her own life that is not dependent on the existance of another. That way, if another person joins in our life it's certainly a plus and enriches our life but it is not essential. A sharp person will be quite natural with the way this plays out in real life.

 

3. "do u know what i mean?"

 

I guess so, maybe.

 

4. "if both sides pull their way, how does a connection get created?"

 

I know you are well above just below average intelligence so I am sure you could grasp this concept if it were explained to you clearly. You will have to be like me and learn it from observation over a period of time.

 

The ultimate connection is made between two people who are right for each other who intuitively know just how much space to put between them, when to come together, when to be apart, etc.

 

There are a tremendous number of very sick relationships out there where the two just never get the point...and their lives together are worse because of it. I guess it's just a case of having to be there. You'll get there one day.

 

5. "how do the sides know they do need each other, they just don't show it so that they're a challenge?"

 

I have explained this so many times. You've just got to be skilled at being human. You've got to understand that people don't go crazy for that which is put before them so easily, that which is so readily available. People like what they have to work for and they tend to want what they can't have. But a good book on human nature or something.

 

6. "I can kind of see how it can work, actually, but i'd like to hear some opinions plz :)"

 

It's not an opinion. It's just the way it works. When you find the right person, it's so natural you don't even know it's happening. But it's very sad that so many great relationships that might have been have ended up in the tank because the guy became too lovesick too fast and sent flowers and candy too soon and started calling too often too soon and was very predictable and no mystery at all.

 

We all have to learn some way. I am very happy that I got skilled in the process. When you get to a point where you just don't care one way or the other, it's the greatest thing in the world because the opposite sex will then be all over you. Yes, when you don't care one way or the other.

 

Eventually, you ease off a bit so real love can happen. But if you smother somebody real love can die on the vine real fast as well.

 

Thanks,

 

-yes

 

7. "PS My version is that the way it works is both sides show their feelings, but not very often ... right??"

 

Yes, that sounds like your version...yes.

 

8. "so that the other side has room for doubts?? smth like that?"

 

Yes, absolutely. Something just like that.