BF's ex is driving me crazy!

[bobenna]

(also posted this in divorce forum)

 

Help! I'm at the end of my rope with her.

 

First off, my bf and I have been together for just over 6 months now. I left my emotionally abusive ex bf (of 3 years) for this guy. Overall, our relationship is great and we are very much in love. He has two children with his ex, 5 and 8. Both who I love very much and they love me too! We are a big happy family and do lots of great things together. But then his ex enters the picture...

 

To give you a bit of background on the divorce -- she cheated on him just over a year ago now. While they were together, she would go out partying and constantly leave him stuck home with the kids. He was miserable with her. She suffers from mental illness... depression and I'm guessing bi-polar too. She stayed with new guy for a few months I'm guessing, but apparently he didn't want her baggage (can't say I blame the guy) and now she's alone.

 

Kids spend one week with mom, then one week with dad, switch on Sunday, so on and so forth. We live with his mother (as his father passed away years ago). She looks after the kids during the day while mom and dad are at work. On mom's days w/kids, she drops them off in morning and picks up after work.

 

Sounds simple enough right? Well unfortunately she makes it impossible to make anything simple and meet any agreement. She's never on time. She's difficult on purpose, she hates me. There's only been one encounter with her where she was actually pleasant towards me, and it's because she was drunk! That was on new years when she ditched her kids and dropped them off at our place.

 

She's incredibly rude to my bf. He bends over backwards to try and keep her happy, but she shows up on our doorstep and starts bickering to him. She's been escorted off the property twice by police. She told her kids, our aunt, and the police that my bf was hitting her and being abusive! which was a flat-out lie, what really happened is she attacked the two of us (in our home!!!!)

 

She has nothing better to do than call and hassle my bf over useless ****. Every night she'll call, at least once. Her son was being goofy once and tried shaking her hand instead of huging her, she then called my bf and screamed at him, accusing him of telling his kids not to hug her.

 

Just last fathers day, she was supposed to drop kids off early because they wanted to make him breakfast and spend extra time (we had plans). Instead, she ignores her phone and drops them off in the afternoon. My bf asked her to let him know in the future if anything changes, and she said "ummm NO!"

 

But my bf stopped logging all the incidents, once his word document exceeded several pages.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid this is going to break us up. I suffer from my own mental illness, social phobia and major anxiety. This certainly doesn't help. I take medication and started therapy last week. My therapist tells me to stay out of it completely... and I try my best but it's such a hard situation.

 

I don't always agree with the way my bf handles her... he's just too soft and usually gives her what she wants just to keep her happy. But then I always end up unhappy because it results in some sort of loss for me. This is where it drives me insane.

 

She also uses the kids to manipulate and guilt my bf. For example, recently on her week OFF, she called her daughter (without consulting dad) and said she was coming over to OUR house to spend time!?!? like wtf? So I have an anxiety attack when I hear that. She's not even welcome at the house. My bf calls her and asks if she can take them to the park down the street, she agrees. Then 15 minutes later I look in our backyard and there they are all playing together. My bf made her leave and she freaked out, her children were also upset and crying. Ofcourse it was allllllllllllllllll dad's fault....

 

They have a separation agreement, but no "divorce" yet. Originally they had an agreement, she would get the car, nothing else. Now she decides she should get more... but the thing is he paid for everything. He sold his store and used the money to pay off his lines of credit, so I'm not sure what she's going to get half of. The house belongs to his mom but somehow she thinks she's entitled to it.

 

Like I said I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like if he doesn't control this woman then I will have to take matters into my own hands... I'm scared that my anger will cause me to do something I'll regret.

[whichwayisup]

She is always going to be a part of your lives because of their children. ALL of you have to put the kids first here.

 

All you can do is control yourself and talk to your boyfriend about how to handle this together as a family...

 

If you two DO breakup over this, well, then maybe your love for eachother wasn't as strong as you thought it was. Either way, he HAS to put his children first, even before you.

 

Like I said I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like if he doesn't control this woman then I will have to take matters into my own hands... I'm scared that my anger will cause me to do something I'll regret.

 

Think of the kids first, hopefully then you won't do something stupid.

 

Put yourself in his ex's shoes for afew moments. Imagine how SHE feels knowing that you're the stepmom to HER kids. Have abit of sympathy for her.

[bobenna]

Thank you for the advice whichwayisup. I have accepted the fact that she will always be a part of our lives...

 

However I have no sympathy for her. I did in the beginning but not anymore. This is the woman who cheated on her husdband after walking all over him while they were married, then decided that instead of working it out she wanted to stay with the new guy. IMO she is getting her karma. I've tried being reasonable and understanding with her, but after 6 months of this **** I decide I really hate her. I've never hated anyone in my life and it hurts because I'm generally a happy person and I try to get along with everyone.

 

Today she called my bf and threatened him... he is actually going to look into getting a restraining order against her.

 

I love the kids so much and they are the only reason why I keep my mouth shut every time she comes over...

 

She's also a horrible mother but I won't even get into that... I hate this situation but I look at pictures of me and my bf and it reminds me how happy and fortunate i am to have him.