Is he holding back his true feelings, or do I just frustrate him?

[Not_That_Innocent]

We know the relationship will never go any further than friends - for many reasons I won't get into, but I think we are falling for each other. He tries to act all tough, but sometimes I see his sensitivity come out. For example, when we sit close he holds my hand, cups it between his fingers. I like to touching him, too. One day he complained of a sore shoulder and back so I massaged it for him. He then said how he loves it when I touch him. When we have spent the night together he always wants to cuddle ... all night. And even though I'm uncomfortable because I like to sleep stretched out, I stay cuddled with him because it feels good.

 

But sometimes he picks fights with me, silly fights, and I don't know if it's just his way of trying to back off from his feelings. He called me early yesterday morning asking if I wanted to meet for coffee, which was strange because he never asks me "out." But then on the way there we got into an argument about where the coffee shop is located. Before we could even get there he turned around and took me back home. I was really ticked off about it because he woke me up so early and we ended up not even going. I decided that since I was up that I would go to the grocery store. He tried calling few minutes afterwards but I didn't hear the phone. Once I made it to the store I realized he was calling and he had called like three time. He asked where I was - Lo and behold he was nearby ... just driving around ... I guess he wanted to think about what happened instead of just going back home, which is different from his normal behavior. Usually, he pouts for a few days so I figured I wouldn't hear from him.

 

We met up in the store parking lot. He reached out like he was going to hug me, but stopped himself, pulled back and made a grrrr sound as if he was angry for wanting to hug. I said to him, what's that all about. He said that he was just frustrated. We talked about it a little while, why the argument occurred, etc. The whole time he was looking into my eyes, stroking my hair and face ... Is he holding back, or just frustrated by me?

[Kamille]

We know the relationship will never go any further than friends - for many reasons I won't get into, but I think we are falling for each other. He tries to act all tough, but sometimes I see his sensitivity come out. For example, when we sit close he holds my hand, cups it between his fingers. I like to touching him, too. One day he complained of a sore shoulder and back so I massaged it for him. He then said how he loves it when I touch him. When we have spent the night together he always wants to cuddle ... all night. And even though I'm uncomfortable because I like to sleep stretched out, I stay cuddled with him because it feels good.

 

But sometimes he picks fights with me, silly fights, and I don't know if it's just his way of trying to back off from his feelings. He called me early yesterday morning asking if I wanted to meet for coffee, which was strange because he never asks me "out." But then on the way there we got into an argument about where the coffee shop is located. Before we could even get there he turned around and took me back home. I was really ticked off about it because he woke me up so early and we ended up not even going. I decided that since I was up that I would go to the grocery store. He tried calling few minutes afterwards but I didn't hear the phone. Once I made it to the store I realized he was calling and he had called like three time. He asked where I was - Lo and behold he was nearby ... just driving around ... I guess he wanted to think about what happened instead of just going back home, which is different from his normal behavior. Usually, he pouts for a few days so I figured I wouldn't hear from him.

 

We met up in the store parking lot. He reached out like he was going to hug me, but stopped himself, pulled back and made a grrrr sound as if he was angry for wanting to hug. I said to him, what's that all about. He said that he was just frustrated. We talked about it a little while, why the argument occurred, etc. The whole time he was looking into my eyes, stroking my hair and face ... Is he holding back, or just frustrated by me?

 

Your situation is complicated. I'm not clear on why, right now, a FWB is the best type of relationship for you (you NTI- not you and your F) to be in. Is there anything in your own life that makes a FWB arrangement the best kind of arrangement to be in?

 

I read your other threads and this man sounds incredibly self-centred. Why would you settle for a man who is clearly showing emotional immaturity, even as a FWB? FWB deals (had one in my life) are like any other type of relationship: they are best conducted with mature adults. Being in a FWB does not excuse his behaviour or you putting up with it.

 

On the other hand, I get the impression that you are contributing to the situation by being unclear about what it is that you want and expect from this relationship. You said elsewhere you don't want more... is that still the case? Trying to read and interpret his emotions kind of shows that you are looking for more. If so, then it is up to you to let him know that the FWB no longer works for you but that you might like to see if you two could transfer into being a couple. He might refuse, but then you will be better off then getting to emotionnally involved with someone who can't return the favor in a mature, healthy, way.

[Not_That_Innocent]

Your situation is complicated. I'm not clear on why, right now, a FWB is the best type of relationship for you (you NTI- not you and your F) to be in. Is there anything in your own life that makes a FWB arrangement the best kind of arrangement to be in?

 

***Yes, mainly that I am separated from my husband. We are trying to work on it, but I am still very iffy about things, probably because of the FWB relationship. But even if we divorce, I still would not want to be more than FWB with him. I just don't think we could ever have a serious relationship.***

 

 

***I don't know why I put up with it, other than the physical relationship which is really good. I backed off completely from him because he was acting like a complete jerk. But then, I saw him a few weeks later and the chemistry was still there. I guess I like the feeling of being sexually desired, even if it is by someone completely self-centered. Although, he has eased up a bit on his self-centeredness, probably because I ignore him when he starts acting like that.***

 

***Well, since you put it like that ...Trying to read an interpret his emotions is just my way of trying to validate the relationship, I guess. Like trying to understand why he keeps coming back and why I continue to let him. Also, I guess it's a way of trying to justify the behavior he has exibited in the past, trying to determine if he is falling for me but doesn't know how to express it. I guess some would say that he keeps coming back for the sex, but I don't think it's that. He is a very attractive man and could get sex from plenty of women. In fact, I asked him about it recently, whether he is seeing someone and he said no. When I expressed that I didn't believe him he showed me his phone, all the numbers in the phone book, all of his dialed / received calls. Not that he couldn't have deleted some stuff, but I got the impression that he was being sincere.

 

You probably read my other post about him being jealous of my neighbor.?? That was another topic that kind of lead to the argument yesterday. He asked what I had done the night before and I told him that I was out bowling with the neighbor. He got all mad and made the comment "Maybe I should start going out with other women." I laughed and said "Oh, like you aren't already." He was still mad, said he showed me his phone which should prove that he's out with other women. I just rolled my eyes. Later when we met up after the coffee incident he snatched my phone away so that he could get my neighbors #, said he was going to call him and tell him to stay away from me. I told him he better not dare and asked how he would like if I called the two females in his phone and he said go ahead. Then he started going on and on about how my neighbor doesn't care about me, I better not be sleeping with him, etc., etc. So ... I guess what I am trying to say is those are other reasons why I try to interpret his emotions 'cause I don't understand why things bother him so much. We have both agreed that we are just friends, it's something we talk about often.***

[Kamille]

hmmmm... Ok. Could it be that this guy is just someone helping you through the transition of separation? Separation must be hard... I don't know why you and your ex-SO are separating, but I am guessing whatever it is did not do your sense of self-esteem any favors.

 

So yeah, I guess I agree with you that a FWB is likely the best arrangement. And that perhaps the 'reading and interpreting' (sorry) is just you putting your little toe into the romantic pool.

 

In all, you are the one who isn't ready to make an emotional commitment, right? This could be hard for your FWB because you would be the one to actually be blocking any emotional development.