Moral dilemma

[Sally]

I have a moral dilemma. I have been seeing a guy for a couple of years, and am deeply in love with him. He has said he wants to marry me. Part of me wants to, but another doesn't.

 

This sounds very mercenary, but it revolves around money. I believe in this day and age, that it is down to a woman to look after herself. We have pretty much equal rights, so to expect to meet a man who will provide for us, to me is an outdated concept. I want to be self-sufficient.

 

Many years ago, I decided to work hard and save for my future, so that as I get older, I know I have a secure future. I will not have to worry about money/healthcare etc when I am older.

 

As much as I love and trust this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am practical. People change. There are no guarantees in life that things will work out.

 

My dilemma is this. If it doesn't work out with him, he will stand to get half my assets. My future security could disappear overnight. Prenuptials aren't possible in my country, and besides part of me thinks they shouldn't be necessary, if you trust somebody. But wouldn't that be blind trust???

 

He earns very little. I have never had a problem being the one giving more financially to the relationship. He gives in other ways.

 

Life is all about chance, but I dread finding myself much less well off in my later years.

 

What do you think?

[Tony T]

It is possible you could have a serious accident or disability, go through your entire savings for expenses not covered by insurance, and end up a financial burden to HIM. The institutions what hold your money for you, including banks, insurance companies, securities companies, etc., could go bankrupt and you could lose everything anyway. A world depression could render your savings near worthless should your currency be devalued in a financial crisis.

 

You will face the dliemma you describe dilemma no matter who you choose to marry. No matter how wealthy they are, they can become disabled, get stripped of their wealth from a civil lawsuit of some nature, lose money through poor or failed investments, etc.

 

No matter who you marry, there is always the possibility that the marriage could fail. You imply in your post that your husband could scoop up half your cash and be gone in that event.

 

It really sounds like you have fears where money is concerned, fears of insufficiency and scarsity that go way way back. It is rather unusual for a very young person to start socking away money for their old age. Obviously there was some experience or observation you made that impressed you so strongly that it bacame an extreme priority for you to save your money. Whatever the reason, I do applaud you for having such foresight. Many people of retirement age have not yet considered such savings.

 

I don't think you will be at ease with anyone in a marriage. See a good attorney in your area to see what legal options are available to you. I should think any progressive country would have vehicles for protecting the assets accumulated by a person prior to marriage.

 

If there are none, get married in the United States. Your assets are probably as safe in the U.S. as anywhere. Interest rates paid on savings are higher. A foreign national can have financial accounts in the U.S. that can be accessed overseas. Funds can also be wire transfered within a day. Set up a prenuptual agreement in the U.S. where they are legal and would apply to your marriage. Or you could set up a revocable living trust to hold your funds for your older years. An attorney could probably advise you via Email.

 

If you are near a big city that has an American bank office or stock brokerage firm, they can help you with these arrangements.

 

If you are of a particular religion that requires you to be married in a specific church or there is pressure from your family to have a religious ceremony in your country, no problem. Have a civil ceremony in the U.S., make all your financial arrangements including the procedures for transfering monies from your county into your accounts in the U.S., and then have a religious ceremony in your own country.

 

You will be pleased that most savings vehicles in the U.S. have insurance by the federal government for bank failures and the SIPC (Securities Insurance Protection Corporation) insures against losses from the failure of stock brokerage firms. You are on your own if you invest in particular stocks that go bad.

 

Frankly, I think that's your only alternative.

 

I do think you are being proper and practical in your concern, although not so romantic. But with the world as it is, honey now can be poison later and you cannot risk your hard earned money being taken.

 

I would not discuss your money strategies in detail with your guy. He could feel sort of strange with you taking such dramatic action to protect your monies. You don't have to tell him your motivation. Just tell him you have always wanted to put your money in the U.S....and may as well get married while you are there. There are many beautiful and memorable places to get legally married that do not include a religious ceremony.

 

I hope I have helped a bit. This is the only solution I can think of. The other alternative is to remain single and do quite well in your old age, God willing you make it.

 

You say he earns quite little. I'm not sure what you mean but my gut feeling is that, short of your dilemma, you will grow to resent his meager financial contribution to the relationship, regardless of how much you love him now. Marriage is a business venture with a good measure of love thrown in. That love can disappear pretty fast when the current passion disappears and you begin to feel taken advantage of.

 

Give it some thought.

[bryan]

stay single. you'd be happier that way. you could also live together and not get married if both of you find that fulfilling....

[Tony T]

Bryan's idea of living together is a good one if you don't want to have children and if the common law marriage laws in your area do not provide that after a certain amount of time, usually seven years, the union is declared a legal marriage. At that time, your guy could have full benefits as if you had been otherwise married, including entitlement to half of your assets. Check it out.

 

I just have to assume, with the depth of your concerns, you have checked all this out pretty thoroughly.

 

I have this terrible feeling you will rob yourself of a great deal of happiness in life with your deeps concerns for your stash. But you earned it and you deserve to think of it in whatever way you desire.

[Deejette]

Tony does have a point about financial imbalances. Once the passion in the marriage moves into more a of a steady-state, you may resent the fact that he hasn't gotten his act together to the extent that you have.

 

If you feel that he will drag you down and cause you to support him, that is not a good sign. Recently I had to give up a man I was in love with because he had such huge financial obligations (big alimony and child-support bills as well as not really managing his money well and spending too much). I could see that down the road this would create real conflict between us, as my hard-earned money would be used to assist him in his ongoing crises. And it would never be enough but it would drain me.

 

He had gotten himself into the financial woes and I was not the one to bail him out of them. So practicality in these issues is important. No matter how much you love him now, a few years from now you may not feel the same way and you may be poorer in the process.

 

The other way to go is to say, "I love him so much, I don't even care about money. I want him to be in my life and we will handle what comes up together."

Bryan's idea of living together is a good one if you don't want to have children and if the common law marriage laws in your area do not provide that after a certain amount of time, usually seven years, the union is declared a legal marriage. At that time, your guy could have full benefits as if you had been otherwise married, including entitlement to half of your assets. Check it out.

 

I just have to assume, with the depth of your concerns, you have checked all this out pretty thoroughly. I have this terrible feeling you will rob yourself of a great deal of happiness in life with your deeps concerns for your stash. But you earned it and you deserve to think of it in whatever way you desire.