WRONG MEN - WRONG TIME

[Samantha]

I don't know where to begin except to say that I've been married twice now and I'm only 32 years old. The first marriage lasted for 5 years (we were together for a total of eight). My second marriage lasted two months.

 

All I've ever wanted in life was to have a great career, good friends and a wonderful husband.

 

Looking back, I guess I know why my first marriage didn't work. I couldn't decide on the right career for me and I was still deciding when we got married. I changed jobs a lot. I was jealous over nothing, insecure and married him because he was my best friend, not my "soul mate." I didn't feel any for passion him. He was secure, serious, hardworking and knew exactly what he wanted out of life. Today, we are still friends and I'm grateful for that.

 

It was only two months later when I met my second husband. I wasn't looking, in fact I had decided not to date. He swept me off my feet though. I felt passion, we had a lot in common and we became best friends in a short period of time. The problem was things moved far too fast. He wanted me to move in with him only after 6 months of dating. We married after being together only a year and eight months. He wanted me to participate in a sexual lifestyle that I had never known. He opened doors for me I never knew existed. I think I would have done and did do anything for him. I lost myself in the relationship. The perfect man I thought I found was verbally abusive, dishonest,controlling and sexually deviant. In the end, I lost a substantial amount of self-respect and a lot of money.

 

It's been almost four months now since I've left. I've dated two different men since then. The one I'm seeing now just broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He has two children and I work with him. So far we've only gone out three times. The first time we went out, we had sex in the back of his car, the second time we went for dinner and did "bad things" in the front seat of the car in the parking lot and the last time we rented a hotel room, went out for dinner and then made love all night long. I am so confused right now and disappointed in myself too. I want to date casually but this is not like me to just jump into bed with someone so quickly!

 

I know I need to be alone and figure out who I am again and get over all that I've been through. The problem is, I've really never been alone. I've always had someone in my life. I've been dating since I was 15 years-old. Even at 32, I am still beating them off with a stick. I love the attention I get from men. I love dating and having someone to do things with. I've told both of these guys that I've dated that I want to take things slow. The first one didn't listen and crowded me beyond belief so I broke up with him. I feel like I stomp on other peoples feelings without meaning to. I keep picking men that are totally wrong for me.

 

They say opposites attract right? For me the opposite is true. I am outgoing, love to do a lot of different things and enjoy socializing with people. I am attracted to people who are the same way. Wouldn't you think I would find someone who was right for me this way? No, instead I find men that want to control me, change me and mold me. I'm so sick of it!

 

I'm at the point in my life when I don't trust my own judgement where men are concerned. My career is finally in order. I love what I do! I have friends to go and do things with and a family that loves me. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to find someone who is right for me. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to go for relationship counselling? Am I picking the wrong men because I have a fear of relationships or an indentity crisis? I hope someone can help me out there.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice!!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What am I doing wrong? Do I need to go for relationship counselling? Am I picking the wrong men because I have a fear of relationships or an indentity crisis? I hope someone can help me out there."

 

What are you doing wrong??? ...OK, for starters you are seeing a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend of four years and is on the rebound big time, has two kids and you work with him. (Your score so far, ZERO)

 

Next, you have sex in the back seat of his car, then do "bad things" things in the front seat of the car, and on another date you go the hotel room route. (I'll go easy on you here, your score now is minus 70 points)

 

How can you ask what you are doing wrong? You DO NOT EVER EVER EVER start a relationship with someone who has just broken up in a long term relationship; you NEVER EVER NEVER EVER get involved so quickly and so intimately with someone from work...I mean you learn this the first day of the first grade.

 

So, what you are doing wrong is NOT giving yourself some time to get yourself together. You do not need a man. You desire to have the RIGHT man in your life...but you are going about it so incorrectly it is highly unlikely this will ever happen in your lifetime unless you change your style. Forget men for a few months and think about yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Make your own self happy and forget these bums who use your butt to get over their ex's. This guy is a slimey twirp and should be ashamed of himself for leading you on the way he has. I hope no damage is done at work when all this fizzles out.

 

In a few months, you will feel whole and new and ready to meet someone special. Then, take your time. Don't try to mold the first human you meet with a penis into what you want. Wait for someone to come into your life who is essentially what you are looking for. Then pay attention to see if it's real. If you pay attention, you will see for sure...if you drop your guard, you will get messed over again.

 

I don't think you need relationship counselling. I think you need how to cool your jets and do without a man for a while counselling. Yes, that might be in order.

 

I don't know why you are picking the wrong men. I don't even think you are giving it a lot of thought, frankly. You seem inclined to dive into the first man you are attracted to. That's a scary thing to do. Date lots of guys and watch their behavior. See what their interests are. Any man can have sex with you in the back seat of a car. That is no basis for judging a man. See what you have in common when you're not having sex. Talk to your girlfriends and see how they do it. Use your intuition and your brains to see what would work best for you.

 

Only you can know if you have a fear of relationships. But I don't think so. I think it's more a fear of being by yourself and a willingness to take the first thing that fills your vacuum. That's a dangerous thing to do. Finding a lifetime mate is serious business and takes time, care and thought...and usually does not take place in the backseat of a car.

 

My hat's off to you. I always thought after 25 or so, the backseat thing was not something to consider. I stand corrected. Sounds like fun.

[Deejette]

It's very flattering to have the attention of a man and it gives us a false sense of our own worth (for the moment). It is also very easy to have sex with guys. But we must not confuse sex-play with love because we will get hurt. Just because we are having a good time with a guy doesn't mean he is good relationship material.

 

We often confuse the heat of the moment with love and think we can build a lifetime with some guy that just is looking for a little roll in the hay.

YOU ASK: "What am I doing wrong? Do I need to go for relationship counselling? Am I picking the wrong men because I have a fear of relationships or an indentity crisis? I hope someone can help me out there." What are you doing wrong??? ...OK, for starters you are seeing a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend of four years and is on the rebound big time, has two kids and you work with him. (Your score so far, ZERO) Next, you have sex in the back seat of his car, then do "bad things" things in the front seat of the car, and on another date you go the hotel room route. (I'll go easy on you here, your score now is minus 70 points) How can you ask what you are doing wrong? You DO NOT EVER EVER EVER start a relationship with someone who has just broken up in a long term relationship; you NEVER EVER NEVER EVER get involved so quickly and so intimately with someone from work...I mean you learn this the first day of the first grade. So, what you are doing wrong is NOT giving yourself some time to get yourself together. You do not need a man. You desire to have the RIGHT man in your life...but you are going about it so incorrectly it is highly unlikely this will ever happen in your lifetime unless you change your style. Forget men for a few months and think about yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Make your own self happy and forget these bums who use your butt to get over their ex's. This guy is a slimey twirp and should be ashamed of himself for leading you on the way he has. I hope no damage is done at work when all this fizzles out. In a few months, you will feel whole and new and ready to meet someone special. Then, take your time. Don't try to mold the first human you meet with a penis into what you want. Wait for someone to come into your life who is essentially what you are looking for. Then pay attention to see if it's real. If you pay attention, you will see for sure...if you drop your guard, you will get messed over again. I don't think you need relationship counselling. I think you need how to cool your jets and do without a man for a while counselling. Yes, that might be in order. I don't know why you are picking the wrong men. I don't even think you are giving it a lot of thought, frankly. You seem inclined to dive into the first man you are attracted to. That's a scary thing to do. Date lots of guys and watch their behavior. See what their interests are. Any man can have sex with you in the back seat of a car. That is no basis for judging a man. See what you have in common when you're not having sex. Talk to your girlfriends and see how they do it. Use your intuition and your brains to see what would work best for you. Only you can know if you have a fear of relationships. But I don't think so. I think it's more a fear of being by yourself and a willingness to take the first thing that fills your vacuum. That's a dangerous thing to do. Finding a lifetime mate is serious business and takes time, care and thought...and usually does not take place in the backseat of a car. My hat's off to you. I always thought after 25 or so, the backseat thing was not something to consider. I stand corrected. Sounds like fun.