Emotional choice vs Rational choice

[Poodle]

Has anyone ever asked u the question: if u could pick between the rational choice and the emotional choice, which one would it be??

 

The rational choice (also called the "stable" choice) - this is the person who loves you completely and utterly and will always be there for you. However, YOU, although you *do* love and care for them, do not feel for them as much as they feel for you.

 

The emotional choice - this is the person *YOU* love completely and utterly and cannot live without, but you know it might never work between the two of you.

 

Given the choice, i'd choose the emotional one.

 

If you dont try, you wont know. I dont want to settle.

 

But that puts me in a major dilemma now.

 

My girlfriend is essentially my stable choice. She loved me completely, and saw forever with me. And although i loved her, i always felt that she deserved some1 who loved her more than i did.

 

But there's some1 else. My best friend. (Let's call her X) X and I can *really* talk. We spend hours on the phone, just yapping away at anything. I can talk to her more than i can talk to my gf.

 

I had wanted more than just friendship with X (my best friends fettish) but she said she "didnt see me that way".

 

So i moved on.

 

Or so i thought.

 

To keep this already very longs story shorter:

 

X says she misses me. And that she didnt want to go out with me becos she doesnt want to lose me. But now she wonders if she made the right choice or not.

 

When my gf and i almost broke up last week, we got everything out in the open. that i still have feelings for X. Now, my gf says she does not love me like b4, but she still cares for me, and we want to work it out.

 

sometimes i think maybe i clung onto my gf to get over X, but my gf is my first, and she is very special to me.

 

But perhaps i loved her that she loved me, and i am not as happy as i used to be.

 

I care for my gf, and i really want to work it out with her.

 

But how can i do so without severing my relationship with my best friend? I felt more for X than i did for my gf.

 

And since X is my emotional choice, should i risk our friendship and go out with X? becos if we go out, things will change. and if we ever broke up, i would lose her, and i cannot stand the pain of that again. (we stopped talking for a month after i told her how i felt - the longest month of my life.)

 

what to do...what to do....

[Tony T]

It's sort of hard to tell your age because this question is so rarely asked by someone under 35 or 40.

 

As a young person, we almost always go for our emtoional choice, unless we get tired of rejection early on and just want someone we can count on. It is impossible for anyone to compete with the chemicals that swish around in our brain that arouse us when we see or think about the person we have strong feelings for. The chemistry is strong, I mean they can be nuclear.

 

However, what you are not told is those chemicals that make you feel wild about somebody are the same as any other chemical. They neutralize in time, usually a pretty short time...like one month to three years...and then you have pretty much what you have with your girlfriend and maybe many times much worse. When those chemicals are going wild in our brain, we rarely consider the practical sides of a relationship and only see the REAL person after we settle into a more realistic emotional landscape.

 

On the other hand, being rational, we can find a much more suitable mate for ourselves right off the bat. Instead of using the chemical crapshoot method, we are able to evaluate the realistic aspects of a companion and use a different kind of love, the companionate kind, to pick our mate. This love does grow because it is able to find worthy and fertile ground on which to thrive.

 

An older person, who has been there, done that, will usually go the rational route and be quite happy.

 

Frankly, I don't think you should deny yourself some of those wild chemical experiences. Being madly in love with someone is the greatest feeling on the planet. There is nothing, no drug anywhere, to match it. Have as many of those experiences as you can and let them run their course.

 

When you are ready to settle down with a lifetime mate, get yourself together and use the rational approach if you can. That's really how you'll be most successful in finding someone who is a great match for you over a long period of time.

 

This chemical love thing that feels so great, a drugged up state actually, is pretty new in the evolutionary process of homosapiens. Oh, how wonderful it is. I mean every part of our being is on a high. Our heart pounds and longs for the beloved. And where chemical love is the basis for marriage, there is better than a fifty percent divorce rate and really no way of knowing the state of the other 50 percent, whether they are staying together for the benefit of the kids, for financial reasons, or because of love.

 

There are many many cultures today where romantic love actually doesn't exist or is not emphasized as much. In many eastern cultures, families pick a mate for their children based on adult wisdom and values and they seem to work fairly well. Religions in India require this method. There are some young people who protest this and are breaking away from tradition but it still exists pretty strong. There are many other mating rituals around the world that do not have romantic love as a component.

 

There are still other cultures where males have multiple mates. Romantic love rarely enters into those situations. However, I am not familiar with the success rate of those, although I think having more than one wife would drive me insane. The Morman religion, which thrives with Utah as its base, permits multiple wives for a man but the laws of most other states actually hold that to be illegal.

 

So I have rambled on pretty long for a very short question. Sorry. My vote is for a rational choice where some special love exists. I love the chemical stuff, don't get me wrong, but I think nature meant it to get people together for procreation purposes...and once that is achieved, then you're on your own.

 

I hope as humans we continue to evolve in that department so the chemicals can remain or be artificially injected so we can feel those fireworks a lot longer. However, I don't feel it's the nature of the universe for anything to last forever unless we work like hell and make a decision for that to happen.

[Jenna]

Unless you are on a deserted island where only you , the girlfriend and X exist- why do you feel that you MUST choose between "these" two people. Why do you feel that you MUST be with someone at this very moment at all?

 

What I gathered from your post, the girlfriend is loosing interest- and rightfully so- you confessed that you have strong feelings for another woman. If thats not a love-crusher- I don't know what is. This relationship probably doesn't have anywhere to go at this point except down. Next time- sort out your feelings without spilling the beans to the one that will most hurt by it. Once you make up your mind- THEN tell all if you must.

 

I have come across this "I love you-want to be with you- but am scared we will ruin our friendship" thing a lot with my friends. It makes me soooooo angry- angry because we only live once- we don't even know how long we have- and yet we "hym-haw" around like we have an eternity to decide what the "right" thing is to do. Life and relationships are a big gamble- we will never know the outcome- until our last day- when we are looking back over our life and come face to face with regrets. Personally, I want as few regrets as possible. I don't want to look back at my life and realize that I had the chance for true love- but was too "scared" to do something about it. Do you want that??

 

There's your question- when you can answer it honestly-you will know exactly what to do. Good luck, Jenna

It's sort of hard to tell your age because this question is so rarely asked by someone under 35 or 40. As a young person, we almost always go for our emtoional choice, unless we get tired of rejection early on and just want someone we can count on. It is impossible for anyone to compete with the chemicals that swish around in our brain that arouse us when we see or think about the person we have strong feelings for. The chemistry is strong, I mean they can be nuclear. However, what you are not told is those chemicals that make you feel wild about somebody are the same as any other chemical. They neutralize in time, usually a pretty short time...like one month to three years...and then you have pretty much what you have with your girlfriend and maybe many times much worse. When those chemicals are going wild in our brain, we rarely consider the practical sides of a relationship and only see the REAL person after we settle into a more realistic emotional landscape. On the other hand, being rational, we can find a much more suitable mate for ourselves right off the bat. Instead of using the chemical crapshoot method, we are able to evaluate the realistic aspects of a companion and use a different kind of love, the companionate kind, to pick our mate. This love does grow because it is able to find worthy and fertile ground on which to thrive.

 

An older person, who has been there, done that, will usually go the rational route and be quite happy. Frankly, I don't think you should deny yourself some of those wild chemical experiences. Being madly in love with someone is the greatest feeling on the planet. There is nothing, no drug anywhere, to match it. Have as many of those experiences as you can and let them run their course. When you are ready to settle down with a lifetime mate, get yourself together and use the rational approach if you can. That's really how you'll be most successful in finding someone who is a great match for you over a long period of time. This chemical love thing that feels so great, a drugged up state actually, is pretty new in the evolutionary process of homosapiens. Oh, how wonderful it is. I mean every part of our being is on a high. Our heart pounds and longs for the beloved. And where chemical love is the basis for marriage, there is better than a fifty percent divorce rate and really no way of knowing the state of the other 50 percent, whether they are staying together for the benefit of the kids, for financial reasons, or because of love. There are many many cultures today where romantic love actually doesn't exist or is not emphasized as much. In many eastern cultures, families pick a mate for their children based on adult wisdom and values and they seem to work fairly well. Religions in India require this method. There are some young people who protest this and are breaking away from tradition but it still exists pretty strong. There are many other mating rituals around the world that do not have romantic love as a component. There are still other cultures where males have multiple mates. Romantic love rarely enters into those situations. However, I am not familiar with the success rate of those, although I think having more than one wife would drive me insane. The Morman religion, which thrives with Utah as its base, permits multiple wives for a man but the laws of most other states actually hold that to be illegal. So I have rambled on pretty long for a very short question. Sorry. My vote is for a rational choice where some special love exists. I love the chemical stuff, don't get me wrong, but I think nature meant it to get people together for procreation purposes...and once that is achieved, then you're on your own. I hope as humans we continue to evolve in that department so the chemicals can remain or be artificially injected so we can feel those fireworks a lot longer. However, I don't feel it's the nature of the universe for anything to last forever unless we work like hell and make a decision for that to happen.

[Deejette]

I believe there are "Life Mates" and "Soul Mates." Life mates are the stable, practical people with whom you can build a day-to-day life of real events and activities. Soul Mates are the chemical, romantic ones that may be complete ditses when it comes to getting on in life. They may be exciting but can't deal with money, or are always late, or don't have their feet on the ground and are spacey, or whatever. I have gotten to the point of feeling that "Nary the twain shall meet."

Unless you are on a deserted island where only you , the girlfriend and X exist- why do you feel that you MUST choose between "these" two people. Why do you feel that you MUST be with someone at this very moment at all? What I gathered from your post, the girlfriend is loosing interest- and rightfully so- you confessed that you have strong feelings for another woman. If thats not a love-crusher- I don't know what is. This relationship probably doesn't have anywhere to go at this point except down. Next time- sort out your feelings without spilling the beans to the one that will most hurt by it. Once you make up your mind- THEN tell all if you must. I have come across this "I love you-want to be with you- but am scared we will ruin our friendship" thing a lot with my friends. It makes me soooooo angry- angry because we only live once- we don't even know how long we have- and yet we "hym-haw" around like we have an eternity to decide what the "right" thing is to do. Life and relationships are a big gamble- we will never know the outcome- until our last day- when we are looking back over our life and come face to face with regrets. Personally, I want as few regrets as possible. I don't want to look back at my life and realize that I had the chance for true love- but was too "scared" to do something about it. Do you want that?? There's your question- when you can answer it honestly-you will know exactly what to do. Good luck, Jenna

[MM]

As far as I understand your dilemma, you are having a choice problem. Love is love is love. In my world there is not a way around that. If you love your gf then so be it. If you love your X then you need to end the relationship with your gf, no matter the personal costs to you. No one gets to put anyone through that. You don't get to do picksies choosies. I think you're lucky that your gf wanted to work things out. Good luck.

Has anyone ever asked u the question: if u could pick between the rational choice and the emotional choice, which one would it be?? The rational choice (also called the "stable" choice) - this is the person who loves you completely and utterly and will always be there for you. However, YOU, although you *do* love and care for them, do not feel for them as much as they feel for you. The emotional choice - this is the person *YOU* love completely and utterly and cannot live without, but you know it might never work between the two of you. Given the choice, i'd choose the emotional one. If you dont try, you wont know. I dont want to settle. But that puts me in a major dilemma now.

 

My girlfriend is essentially my stable choice. She loved me completely, and saw forever with me. And although i loved her, i always felt that she deserved some1 who loved her more than i did.

 

But there's some1 else. My best friend. (Let's call her X) X and I can *really* talk. We spend hours on the phone, just yapping away at anything. I can talk to her more than i can talk to my gf.

 

I had wanted more than just friendship with X (my best friends fettish) but she said she "didnt see me that way". So i moved on. Or so i thought. To keep this already very longs story shorter:

 

X says she misses me. And that she didnt want to go out with me becos she doesnt want to lose me. But now she wonders if she made the right choice or not. When my gf and i almost broke up last week, we got everything out in the open. that i still have feelings for X. Now, my gf says she does not love me like b4, but she still cares for me, and we want to work it out. sometimes i think maybe i clung onto my gf to get over X, but my gf is my first, and she is very special to me. But perhaps i loved her that she loved me, and i am not as happy as i used to be. I care for my gf, and i really want to work it out with her. But how can i do so without severing my relationship with my best friend? I felt more for X than i did for my gf. And since X is my emotional choice, should i risk our friendship and go out with X? becos if we go out, things will change. and if we ever broke up, i would lose her, and i cannot stand the pain of that again. (we stopped talking for a month after i told her how i felt - the longest month of my life.) what to do...what to do....