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Do you think something "more" went on than he told me?


Archive A collection of the original messages posted on LoveShack.org's LoveTalk Forum from 1997-2001.

Old 30th December 2001, 5:54 PM   #1
Julia
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Do you think something "more" went on than he told me?

A couple of months ago my boyfriend went to Nicaragua for two weeks for business. At the time we were having a long distance relationship, but we talked every day and were very close.

He is 56 and I am 34. He told me that he met a 20-year-old girl over there that asked him to marry her. I got upset and asked him what he said to her or "did" to make her say that, and he just told me that he met her on a park bench and she smiled at him and started talking. She said she was looking for a husband and just as a joke he apparently said something like,"If I find a nice Nicaraguan girl, maybe I'll marry her."

Anyhow he thought it was amusing that such a young girl could be so serious about him. Apparently she wrote him letters. The first one was addressed, "A mi futuro espose (to my future husband)" and was signed "Maria de (used his last name!!)

I was furious with him that he would lead someone on like that even if it was just a "game" as he told me. Anyhow, he told me that he like to keep the contact with her because it enabled him to practice his written Spanish.

When I came to be with him this month we got along very well, but I brought up this "Maria" so he showed me her letters, read them out to me (I also read them) in Spanish and translated them at the same time. I understand some Spanish too as well as other latin languages, so I knew his translation was correct. There was no indication in the letters that they had had any kind of affair, but her letters were filled with things like "yo ti quiero mucho (I love you alot)" , I want to see you, I want to be together with you, you don't believe that I am serious, but men my age don't interest me and I want to be with an older man so I can learn things, No other person talked to me so nicely as you did, ect..

She was looking for a job as a cleaning lady in a hotel, and her grammer was not very good in Spanish (even I could tell that without knowing the language) so it obviously sounded like she just wants him because she thinks he has money!

But still it bothers me that he keeps contact with her. For example, she called when I was there. It was a collect call which he didn't accept, but he called her back (in front of me!) By the tone of his voice I could tell he wasn't that interested in her. He just asked how she was. I could tell that she said, "I love you" because he answered "Yo tambien" (me too) then said bye.

I asked him why he said that, and he replied that it is very common for people in Central America to say "mi Amor" to anybody, even at a grocery store, that it's just a way of speaking, but it doesn't mean anything serious.

This still bothers me. What do you think about this?
 
Old 30th December 2001, 6:06 PM   #2
Laurynn
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Sounds weird to me

In fact, it sounds not only weird but freakin creepy. This dude is more than old enough to be her Dad...almost old enough to be her Grandpa. Does he have such a fragile little ego that needs boosting from some young gal who shows some interest in him (err, interest in an older man with money/who'll marry her and get her out of Nicaragua?)

I'm sure the poor young girl has a lousy life where she is, and I'm sure she wasn't aware that he was in a relationship with someone, so don't be angry at her.

Sounds like he's been leading her on and that stinks. If she writes him letters, she obviously was given his mailing address..and seeing how she called him collect, he obviously gave her his home number. That's bizarre and completely inappropriate for a man who's in a relationship with someone (uh, you). My guess is that he rather enjoys the attention from this very young girl.

Does he plan to continue communicating with her? If so, he's a dog (well, even more of a dog).....because she probably sees him as her dream man, and her ticket out of there. What if she ever found a way out of her country and showed up on his doorstep?

Does your guy travel a lot? Is this common behavior for him? Up until this incident, how much trust has been there between you and he?

How is YOUR relationship with him? How long have you been with him? You'd mentioned that prior to his trip there, you and he had had a long-distance relationship......is it still that way?

Would be interesting to have seen the letters he's written her (or does he say he hasn't written her?) I feel really sorry for this young girl, and for you. He sounds like a boob.

L
 
Old 30th December 2001, 6:15 PM   #3
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Re: Do you think something "more" went on than he told me?

Sounds to me like if he doesn't marry you, he has a 20-year-old honey ready to take your place.
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Old 30th December 2001, 6:23 PM   #4
Julia
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Re: Sounds weird to me

Quote:
Does he have such a fragile little ego that needs boosting from some young gal who shows some interest in him (err, interest in an older man with money/who'll marry her and get her out of Nicaragua?)
He admitted that he liked that attention and it boosed his ego. I told him it wasn't fair to the girl and he was surprized that I was so concerned with her.
Quote:
Sounds like he's been leading her on and that stinks. If she writes him letters, she obviously was given his mailing address..and seeing how she called him collect, he obviously gave her his home number. That's bizarre and completely inappropriate for a man who's in a relationship with someone (uh, you). My guess is that he rather enjoys the attention from this very young girl.
You're absolutely right. He tells me that he just wants to keep the contact because maybe her family can help him because he wants to retire there and set up investments, but how could they help him if her dad is a taxi driver!?
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Does he plan to continue communicating with her?
Yes, but he reassured me that he has no interest in her as a woman and that she looks like a school girl and he sees her like that, and that if I ever went with him to Nicaraugua I could meet her and talk to her myself.
Quote:
Does your guy travel a lot? Is this common behavior for him? No he doesn't travel that much, as he is pretty tight with money himself because he lost alot in the stock market. It is true that he used to like to have telephone friends and penpals because he suffered alot from lonliness and mild depression.
Up until this incident, how
Quote:
much trust has been there between you and he?
Excellent. If anyone was to be doubted, it was probably me because in the beginning I wasn't so sure about him and I saw other guys without telling him (just went out with them, but nothing remotely physical or romantic ever happened)
Quote:
How is YOUR relationship with him?
We are very compatible in many ways, but sometimes we argue over silly things (eg. he tells me how to do something better and my stubborness sometimes gets in the way and I take it as an attack when he really only wants to give me a suggestion)

How long
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have you been with him? Almost nine months.
You'd mentioned that prior
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to his trip there, you and he had had a long-distance relationship......is it still that way?
Right now it will be for a couple of months, but when I will soon move to his city for work.
Quote:
Would be interesting to have seen the letters he's written her (or does he say he hasn't written her?)
Apparently he only wrote her one letter in which he told her not to address him as her future husband or sign with his last name. I believe this because her second letter was addressed "normally" with less "love" embellishments. It still pisses me off that he does this, but he tells me that at least he's open and honest about it and not hiding anything.
 
Old 30th December 2001, 6:44 PM   #5
Laurynn
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Re: Sounds weird to me

Who in their right mind would ever want to retire in Nicaragua? Not exactly a resort town. And yeah, that bit about her family maybe being able to help him in the future, and the fact that her Dad is a taxi driver (obviously not in the position to 'help') is a good point.

On one hand, yes I give him a little credit for having admitted this all to you...for showing you the letters....but I still have to question WHY any of this came about to begin with. I could be wrong, but for this girl to have previously addressed herself (in the letters) as his future wife (or him being her future husband, whichever it was), that says to me that he did and said things while there to really lead her on. That's sh*tty.

God only knows what this poor girl is really thinking. Maybe she really believes that he plans to marry her one day, and 'rescue her' from no doubt, a crappy life.

He sounds selfish. He's putting his ego above this poor girl's feelings.

But on another note....what about you? Yes, you could put your foot down and forbid him to continue correspondence with him.....only to anger him and cause you to appear foolishly insecure and jealous...which of course would gravely affect your relationship.....or you could seriously sit down and re-evaluate the kind of man you're in a relationship with........take a look at his values, principles, his ego, how he treats people, how he treats you, how his actions make you feel.

Perhaps this is simply some kind of bizarre 'isolated' incident (you'd know best)...or maybe it's just a taste of things to come. Does he currently have any other 'female pen pals' that you know of?....or other women from distant lands who phone him up?

So you're in the process of moving to his country in a couple of months? I hope you think long and hard before you actually go through with it. I can tell you from personal experience, that moving to be with a man can be a very risky (financially, emotionally) undertaking. Why can't he relocate to where you live? Will you have a steady job lined up for when you get there?

Will you be living with him?

Will you be totally or partially dependent on him for security and finances?

Do you have a good bit of money saved up so that if things don't work out, you have a 'way out'?

Do you feel like you're doing most of the 'sacrificing' in the relationship?

L
 
Old 30th December 2001, 8:55 PM   #6
Lilly
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Re: Sounds weird to me

He's misleading her, he's using her... for whatever reason, he's messing with her head (and with yours). For that he's a schmuck... an insecure, immoral toad, who seriously lacks principals. Leave the girl alone, you have a girlfriend.

Leave the girl alone *if* you have no interest in her other than to "he like to keep the contact with her because it enabled him to practice his written Spanish" and "just wants to keep the contact because maybe her family can help him because he wants to retire there and set up investments"... which one is it???. He's clearly told you he's using her. Does she know that's the only reason he's keeping contact... or does she think because he mails her, rings her, tells her he loves her that she's got a chance?. He's lying all over the place, he's making this up as he goes along me thinks.

Seems to me he's only telling you about her, what's going on, because he did in fact do something with her whilst over there. People who cheat often verbally introduce their new lover into conversations with their current partner as a new friend, tell their partner all about them so that their current partner won't get suspicious thinking 'they're telling me about them, can't be anything going on' to throw them off the scent. Bet that's what you thought right?. It's an old, old ploy.

The rest is a nice, believable picture he's made up to tie in with her reactions, her words, the stuff you can see. This guy's ego was far too stroked by this young girl for him to resist... he's admitted that.

Whatever way you look at it (even if he didn't do anything -which you'll never know for sure) he's a dog for playing games like this (then passing them off as a way to practice Spanish etc)... yeah, right!. The whole story sounds suspect... I'd kick him in the balls and throw him on the sidewalk with his other dog pals just for saying "If I find a nice Nicaraguan girl, maybe I'll marry her."

Go with your instincts... all the way, get logic (his) out of there and go with your gut. They say if you give someone enough rope, they'll eventually hang themselves... sit back, watch and listen to his story without saying too much. The holes in his story will get bigger.
 
 

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