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Archive A collection of the original messages posted on LoveShack.org's LoveTalk Forum from 1997-2001.

Old 29th December 2001, 1:49 PM   #1
kat
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his employee

i have a question about how much "personal" conversation should be done between a boss and an employee? my boyfriend has a female who works for him and she is married, so that helps, but they have to talk alot on the phone and they have this little stupid annoying thing that they say to each other "hi, it's me", and i hear him talking to her like a gossiping ole woman at times as well. then he comes home and has nothing to say to ME?!

this is why i'm angry and of course jealous because i don'think he should be that personal with her or am i wrong? am i just being jealous?
 
Old 29th December 2001, 6:24 PM   #2
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Re: his employee

I'm sure whatever gossip he exchanges with his boss is work related and about situations and people you have no knowledge of. He would probably feel very foolish coming home and telling you about stupid stuff from work about people you don't know.

Maybe you should inform him that you are vitally interested in knowing as much about strangers and events that you are not involved in as possible and perhaps he wouldn't feel so foolish discussing them with you.

I don't think you're right or wrong but why would you want to know stupid crap from his workplace. I think you ought to put greater energy into sharing experiences with him outside the workplace. It is ordinarilly accepted that a man's woman is supposed to be a relief from the pressure of work. Try to be that for him if you can and your relationship will become a lot stronger.

Find things the two of you can do together: recreation, sports, theatre, music, etc. and share common friends outside the workplace. Then if you want to gossip about your common friends, you will know what he's talking about.

Stay out of his business at work. If a lady did that to me I really wouldn't appreciate it.

Now, if he's spending an inordinate amount of time on the phone with his boss while he's at home, ask him if he feels obligated to do so. If he does, I can understand why he'd want to stay on the good side of his boss. But if he doesn't need to talk so much to his boss from home, I think that may be somewhat of an insult to you and you should not tolerate that. Tell him when he get's home from work, he's yours and ask him to take care of his business converations before he gets home so those calls can be very limited.
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Old 29th December 2001, 6:50 PM   #3
kat
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Re: his employee

i guess i said this wrong, the lady he talks for works for him, he is her boss so to speak. she handles quite a bit of paper work and phone calls for him from her own home and they rarely if ever see each other.

my beef is that he talks to her all the time and i do understand when it is business but at times i hear them laughing together and him telling her stuff in a gossipy tone of voice though about work.

i do feel left out because then he would get off the phone and talk to me like i'm just another customer or something.

part of the problem is that i work in the same office he does at times to help them out, so it's hard not to hear him cause were all in one big room. i don't like feeling jealous like this, i'm not jealous of her as another female but i feel jealous that he shares things with her then comes home and tells me he's been talking all day and just wants to relax, and that we talk alot through the day and there is nothing to really talk about.

so we had decided once not to talk so much through the day so when he comes home we have something to talk about. i don't want to be petty, and this girl is prett nice and i'm glad that she helps him out so much, i just wish he didn't make it sound so personal with her.

i will however heed your advice about home being a relief from the work place. he don't really bring work home with him, but it is on his mind alot in the evenings anyway.

i don't know, maybe i just am jealous. i've never met her before but have talked to her on the phone and she is nice to me and we laugh about things sometimes like the kids or him always being on the phone.

still i feel very hurt that he has this other relationship with another woman and seems to enjoy it too much, he depends on her an awful lot and that makes me feel useless sometimes too, i wish i felt as needed to him as she is to him, does that make sense? i do know that he loves me and not her, she is married and all that good stuff, but still it hurts to hear him laughing and talking to her and not me.
Quote:
I'm sure whatever gossip he exchanges with his boss is work related and about situations and people you have no knowledge of. He would probably feel very foolish coming home and telling you about stupid stuff from work about people you don't know. Maybe you should inform him that you are vitally interested in knowing as much about strangers and events that you are not involved in as possible and perhaps he wouldn't feel so foolish discussing them with you. I don't think you're right or wrong but why would you want to know stupid crap from his workplace. I think you ought to put greater energy into sharing experiences with him outside the workplace. It is ordinarilly accepted that a man's woman is supposed to be a relief from the pressure of work. Try to be that for him if you can and your relationship will become a lot stronger. Find things the two of you can do together: recreation, sports, theatre, music, etc. and share common friends outside the workplace. Then if you want to gossip about your common friends, you will know what he's talking about. Stay out of his business at work. If a lady did that to me I really wouldn't appreciate it.

Now, if he's spending an inordinate amount of time on the phone with his boss while he's at home, ask him if he feels obligated to do so. If he does, I can understand why he'd want to stay on the good side of his boss. But if he doesn't need to talk so much to his boss from home, I think that may be somewhat of an insult to you and you should not tolerate that. Tell him when he get's home from work, he's yours and ask him to take care of his business converations before he gets home so those calls can be very limited.
 
Old 29th December 2001, 7:19 PM   #4
kat
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Re: his employee

i did want to say one other thing, that i have tried to talk to him about how i feel about this and he gets extremely mad at me and says that he has enough stress in his life without my adding to it with my jealousy. i try to tell him that if he would just hear me out on why i feel this way that maybe we could get past this, but he thinks it is just my own problem and i need help "you need to see a therapist for your problem".
Quote:
i guess i said this wrong, the lady he talks for works for him, he is her boss so to speak. she handles quite a bit of paper work and phone calls for him from her own home and they rarely if ever see each other. my beef is that he talks to her all the time and i do understand when it is business but at times i hear them laughing together and him telling her stuff in a gossipy tone of voice though about work. i do feel left out because then he would get off the phone and talk to me like i'm just another customer or something. part of the problem is that i work in the same office he does at times to help them out, so it's hard not to hear him cause were all in one big room. i don't like feeling jealous like this, i'm not jealous of her as another female but i feel jealous that he shares things with her then comes home and tells me he's been talking all day and just wants to relax, and that we talk alot through the day and there is nothing to really talk about. so we had decided once not to talk so much through the day so when he comes home we have something to talk about. i don't want to be petty, and this girl is prett nice and i'm glad that she helps him out so much, i just wish he didn't make it sound so personal with her. i will however heed your advice about home being a relief from the work place. he don't really bring work home with him, but it is on his mind alot in the evenings anyway. i don't know, maybe i just am jealous. i've never met her before but have talked to her on the phone and she is nice to me and we laugh about things sometimes like the kids or him always being on the phone. still i feel very hurt that he has this other relationship with another woman and seems to enjoy it too much, he depends on her an awful lot and that makes me feel useless sometimes too, i wish i felt as needed to him as she is to him, does that make sense? i do know that he loves me and not her, she is married and all that good stuff, but still it hurts to hear him laughing and talking to her and not me.
 
Old 29th December 2001, 9:52 PM   #5
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Re: his employee

I truly understand what you're feeling. It isn't as much jealousy as it is feeling you are not as adequate as this employee to make him happy and entertained. That's an awful feeling.

I don't really know what to tell you. There's nothing that's going to change unless he gets another job. You're just going to have to face the fact that there's another lady in his life who seems to make him happy in some ways that you aren't able to. That would upset me too if I were you.

You may, in time, have to go out and find yourself a guy who makes you feel more like a girlfriend, more like a partner, more a part of things, more adequate as a mate, and capable of making him happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Right now, it seems you're just somebody for him to come home to.

If you have talked to him and he put you off like he did, your only other choice is to move on to someone who makes you feel much better about the world. I don't see how you can sustain a relationship for very long feeling like other people...and especially a female employee...make him happier that you do. That just isn't the way it's supposed to work.

You don't need a therapist. Anybody in your position would feel the same way. Your feelings are justified. But, again, since you have talked to him and he's not willing to change, it is completely your responsibility to deal with this from here on out. The choices are yours.
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Old 29th December 2001, 10:14 PM   #6
Laurynn
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I can relate

I understand, I think, what you're feeling. I think back to my ex hubby, years ago. In the very beginning of our relationship, he was extremely attentive...really listened to me, took an interest in me and my life, my job, my day to day stuff....he'd laugh at the funny/entertaining things I'd say. I appreciated this. As time passed, it took all I had to hold his attention. Half the time he wasn't even paying attention. But gee, when one of his guy friends called, they could say anything and he'd be laughing his ass off, or being so damn attentive. It made me feel so boring, inadequate and ?worthless. Not sure if what I went through is all that close to what you're going through, but I think it's similar, and the behavior evokes the same feelings.

The last guy I was in a long term relationship with..he was a salesman (read: professional scammer)...his whole day revolved around talking, schmoozing, pretending to be amused by strangers, etc. When he was done work for the day(he worked out of our home), he suddenly had nothing to say. I found this very frustrating. He'd snottily say to me, "I talk all day for a living, I don't want to have to do it in my free time." This was Red Flag #47 that he was a jerk and that he was someone who cared little about my feelings...and he was someone who didn't know jack sh*t about communication in a relationship.

If you've told your guy how you feel and he accuses you of being jealous, he simply suggests you get therapy, then it's obvious he doesn't see where the problem lies.....and you are in the driver's seat here....it's up to you to decide whether you can live this way...feeling resentful and inadequate and like some stranger that works for him is more interesting to talk to than you.

You also have to sit back and try to be as objective as you possibly can...and figure out whether you're possibly making more out of this than you should. Are you simply being overly sensitive? (I know I can be like this sometimes).....What kind of stuff do they gossip about, anyway? Maybe you need to spend some of your evenings out with friends....sometimes expanding your circle of friends and interests can leave you feeling more fulfilled in life, and also in your relationship because all your happiness doesn't revolve around that one person: your partner.

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