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would it just be better to be alone?


Archive A collection of the original messages posted on LoveShack.org's LoveTalk Forum from 1997-2001.

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Old 29th December 2001, 12:41 PM   #1
worried
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would it just be better to be alone?

i'm tired of trying to control our lives because i can't handle the feelings of jealousy, insecurity, control, worries, fears, etc. i'm talking about my spouse and the way i feel when things change, yeah i don't handle change too well, but i try at least, i'm just not successful.

if it were not for this controlling component in my head, then things would be so much easier for both of us. if he even notices or knows the extreme's i sometimes have gone through to control a situation so i don't have to deal with the feelings i get, then he'd probably be rightly pist. so, i'm sitting here today thinking that maybe he would just be better off without me around ruining things for him by my controlling things. since i can't seem to get a grip on it, lord know's ive tried, short of shooting myself in the mouth so i can't talk just don't know what else to do. if i can't talk then i can't control things as easily, maybe if i tape my mouth shut that will help, no?

any way's, i'm, really bummed over my lack of control, and yeah, yeah, i know i know that only i can make changes myself, and no one else can do it for me, and no one can tell me what to do and blah, blah, blah. sorry for the attitude, i'm just really frustrated about the way things are and i want to change them, but i just don't know how.

it's one thing to have the knowledge about a problem but it's another to know what to do with it, so any ideas, that is what i'm looking for, help! if i can't change this aspect of me then i think he is better of without me, would't you agree?
 
Old 29th December 2001, 1:54 PM   #2
worried
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Re: would it just be better to be alone?

p.s. i just wanted to add that i am also driving myself crazy as well as him, that i want to just get away from me so that i don't have to do this controlling, and feel these feelings, they stress me out as well, not just him.
Quote:
i'm tired of trying to control our lives because i can't handle the feelings of jealousy, insecurity, control, worries, fears, etc. i'm talking about my spouse and the way i feel when things change, yeah i don't handle change too well, but i try at least, i'm just not successful.

if it were not for this controlling component in my head, then things would be so much easier for both of us. if he even notices or knows the extreme's i sometimes have gone through to control a situation so i don't have to deal with the feelings i get, then he'd probably be rightly pist. so, i'm sitting here today thinking that maybe he would just be better off without me around ruining things for him by my controlling things. since i can't seem to get a grip on it, lord know's ive tried, short of shooting myself in the mouth so i can't talk just don't know what else to do. if i can't talk then i can't control things as easily, maybe if i tape my mouth shut that will help, no? any way's, i'm, really bummed over my lack of control, and yeah, yeah, i know i know that only i can make changes myself, and no one else can do it for me, and no one can tell me what to do and blah, blah, blah. sorry for the attitude, i'm just really frustrated about the way things are and i want to change them, but i just don't know how. it's one thing to have the knowledge about a problem but it's another to know what to do with it, so any ideas, that is what i'm looking for, help! if i can't change this aspect of me then i think he is better of without me, would't you agree?
 
Old 30th December 2001, 11:16 PM   #3
unnamed
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Re: would it just be better to be alone?

Worried,

What exactly is the problem? From reading your message, it seems you control situtations to avoid feeling something (something I am unsure of).

I'm sure myself and others could help out if you detail your situation quite a bit more.

Thanks!
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Old 30th December 2001, 11:36 PM   #4
worried
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Re: would it just be better to be alone?

it's just really hard to put into words but i will try by using some examples. say for instance life is rolling along real smooth and all of a sudden my spouse wants to go out with the boys, example only here, but i would freak out if this happened, i would do everything i could to try to control the situation so he would not go. the reason i would not want him to go is because i would feel hurt, scared, insecure, threatened, jealous, even if it is just the guys. i don't feel like i'm doing this right even, it's just so hard to explain. that was only an example, but it has not happened. okay here is something else, my spouse sometimes goes to these offices' to give lectures, i hate it, or he goes to seminars and i hate them to. i would do anything to try to prevent him from doing these things, but i try to do it indiscreetely, or with subtle manipulation or subtle control. i hate myself for this but i seem unable to control my controlling. i still feel that i'm not making my point here since i can't seem to get it out what i'm trying to say. it just seems that when something comes up, i need to control the situation or i feel all or some of those feelings and the onlyway to get over feeling them is to control the show so to speak. i dont know if this helps, it's hard to help someone whenyou can't figure out what they are saying to begin with, but the examples i gave are only examples not the real things, i can't even think of any real things at the moment.
Quote:
Worried, What exactly is the problem? From reading your message, it seems you control situtations to avoid feeling something (something I am unsure of). I'm sure myself and others could help out if you detail your situation quite a bit more.

Thanks!
 
Old 31st December 2001, 6:13 PM   #5
unnamed
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Re: would it just be better to be alone?

Okay. I'll go with your second example, about the lectures. Is your husband in a profession where he deals primarily with women? Why is that you would want to control him from doing his job?

And, do you stay at home all day? It seems, from your examples, that when you are around, he MUST be there too. Based on your admittance to being very, very controlling -- I'd say your keeping him from many things because your scared something will happen to you that perhaps happened to you in the past. This is very common with people. Something affected them in their past, and they try anything to avoid it affecting them in the present.

I have to say I think your afraid of something very small or very big. Or maybe nothing at all. You just want all of his attention.

Have you ever been like this with other people?
 
 

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