Ex is not taking care of my kids!

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm so upset right now I'm shaking! I split custody of my kids with my exh- we alternate weeks with them. He's been basically a good dad, although the majority of the childcare was done by me when we were married. He can take care of them, it's just that he puts his needs in front of theirs just like he used to do me when we were married. There's been a couple of borderline things he's done since the divorce- sending my son to school with no lunch and no lunch money (i always got his lunch stuff together) and letting them stay up too late when he has them while he plays on the computer and such. I have documented these things just in case.

 

This time just takes the cake. My daughter is not quite four yet. I took her to the specialist on Tuesday (this is his week) and she has a double ear infection and needs to get tubes. She told me that she had told Daddy her ears were hurting. She had not told me they were hurting or we would have been at the dr before then. So, I take her to the dr and pay the copay but I drop off the prescription for him because he has her this week. He tells me that he's leaving them with his girlfriend on Tuesday night for about an hour for a meeting for his hobbies- yet another reason we divorced. I had no problem with him leaving with her- I've known her for years and she's okay. So, he's had them Tues-this morning. He calls me and tells me he's never picked up her medicine. He's "had too much going on" to pick it up!!!!!

 

WTF???????????????????

 

I know he had this meeting for his hobbies on Tuesday night and I would bet money he had a baseball game Wed and Thurs night. I know he got off work early Wednesday to play golf- but he's had too much going on to pick up his daughter's medicine. He has TONS of help- his parents, his brother, our old best friends and a sister that's home from college. None of them could pick it up?? Why didn't he tell me he didn't have time and I would have picked it up????

 

I was just at a loss for words when he told me. If he can't take care of them then why does he not just give them to me???? I CAN! I sent him an e mail for documentation purposes and told him this was unacceptable.

 

Now, I have them this weekend and she will not be feeling good- you know how they will spike a temp and start crying with their ears even after they didn't before. He could have prevented her from hurting- not to mention the damage it could do to her hearing! I'm just so angry right now and I'm at work and I can do nothing.

[tiki]

Awwww. I had chronic OM as a child, many surgeries and just has another recently. I can soooo relate to her ear pain.

 

What a $hit!!! Does he realize what he's done wrong?! Did he even act concerned? That's a load of crap. From now on (because he should have his priveleges revoked), the children should stay with you when they're sick!!! A child doesn't need to be with a step-mom or girlfriend (when the father is not available) if the biological mom is fully available to nurture that child.

 

I feel your pain. My step-daughter has a contagious viral thing going on with her skin causing bumps. We told her mom about it like 2-3 months ago. She refused to take her to the doctor. I again spoke to the mother and told her what my take on the skin condition was (which it ended up being) and she FINALLY took her daughter to the doctor. Why should I care more than the mom or the dad?! Hello, I'ma step-parent! She took her to the doctor and decided to NOT treat her (brilliant, because it's highly contagious) and my son gets a bump on HIS neck. I immediately have my H take her to the doctor for a histofreeze to the CONTAGIOUS bumps on her skin, since her mother will not treat the virus. She can make decisions for her family, but she WILL NOT impose them on mine. My son with the bump on him was enough to push me over the top. So the daughter is FINALLY treated and hopefully all will be well from here on out. Sorry about my rant. I just feel your pain.

 

People need to learn to PARENT.

 

His stalling on her ear infection could cause her PERMANENT damage and hearing loss.. All because of his laziness.

 

Document everything. He's a dip$hit, that's fo sho!!!

[shygurl]

Sorry, don't understand. When you took her to the doctor and he wrote you the prescription that your daughter needed, why on earth didn't you go immediately and fill it - so that she could immediately start her meds? If I had a sick child, I'd be desperate to get their meds into them ASAP. Of course this surely doesn't excuse his irresponsibility at all - I think it's very scary that he would have ignored her obvious symptom of sore ears, neglecting to have her Rx filled. If I were you, I'd seriously document to him that based on this ear infection she has and him neglecting to be a responsible parent and get her medicine, you are not returning her to his care - at least until she's over this infection. Would you ever be willing to try and obtain sole custody of her? I think it's very scary that a parent would be so neglectful as he's been, it's truly scary. What else could he end up "missing" in the future? What if she got into some poison or something? It's frightening, really. Glad you're documenting these things by email.

[FolderWife]

shygurl has a really good point. If you KNOW he's neglecting them, why didn't you get the RX filled, and give it to your daughter yourself?

 

Just because your ex is being an irresponsible jerk, doesn't mean that you should let your little girl suffer just so you can prove that he's being an irresponsible jerk.

 

From now on, pretend that they are YOURS ALONE, and that he's just a baby sitter. You wouldn't expect a baby sitter to be responsible for anything other than watching and feeding your kids, so don't expect anything more from him. he's obviously too selfish.

[Mz. Pixie]

I did drop the prescription off- it wasn't ready when I got ready to drop her off, that is why I didn't get it. At my pharmacy there is a minimum of an hour wait to get medicine. He had to have her at a certain time or so he said. I wasn't making her suffer because it was his responsibility- it just wasn't ready at the time.

 

I don't have the option of having them everytime they are sick. I would be glad to do so but he's not going to allow it. He's not going to bend anywhere where they are concerned because he thinks it's punishing me. It's a daily barrage of nasty e mails from him-using whatever he can to try and push my buttons. I'm getting remarried and he's pissed so he wants to try and make me miserable.

 

I would be more than happy to take them full time. As a matter of fact, after this incident I will be taking him back to court. It's all so harsh right now, I was just trying to save my kids the pain of going through all of that. If I withhold them from him then that will upset them because they love their dad.

 

I documented all of this to him in a email. The funny thing is is that he fires back and thinks he's trying to be all smart about what he's saying to protect himself. Like how he has them more than the papers say (not true- I keep a calendar) and how lucky I am he spends time with his kids when most dads don't. Ummmm I thought that was what you wanted. You're not doing me any favors pal- it's for your kids.

 

He's too stupid to know that I've kept a weekly journal of everything- I've written down everything he's done to the kids he shouldn't have. It will not look good for him if I take him back to court. I truly don't want to take the kids away from him because he is their dad but he's making it hard for me to be considerate of that right now.

[Mz. Pixie]

Tiki-

 

Was it molluscum (spelling?) I had that once and it is highly contagious!

[tiki]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I don't have the option of having them everytime they are sick. I would be glad to do so but he's not going to allow it. He's not going to bend anywhere where they are concerned because he thinks it's punishing me.

 

He shouldn't get a choice! He failed to act as a resposible parent.

 

If I withhold them from him then that will upset them because they love their dad.

 

That's great of you. But while sick, I would think most kids want to be with their mommy's when they're sick.

 

and how lucky I am he spends time with his kids when most dads don't. Ummmm I thought that was what you wanted. You're not doing me any favors pal- it's for your kids.

 

Oh this pisses me off! Some men think (and I blame society for appluding the GOOD fathers) that because they are involved, that they need a friggin trophy. Get real daddio, you're the father, act like it! You don't hear people saying about mom's "Well she's so involved and she could be a deadbeat mom" and therefore she's a good mom...NO!!! We have to be!!! It's a friggin default for us, and if it's not for a father, it means he's a loser! If a father is involved, he's not a good father, he's just a father! Which is what he shoud be, no!?

 

 

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Tiki-

 

Was it molluscum (spelling?) I had that once and it is highly contagious!

 

You got it.

 

Molluscum Contagiousum.

 

She can choose to not treat her daughter on her time, but she doesn't get to decide if it's spread to MY FAMILY on MY TIME. Stupid hobag.

[shygurl]

Pixie,

Sorry, I totally misunderstood..I didn't realize you'd actually dropped off the Rx but just couldn't hang around to wait - my apologies. I'm so glad you're documenting everything.

 

Tiki, my little nephew was diagnosed w/ molluscum contagiosum as well - finally, seemed to take the doc forever, including a stupid dermatologist who had no clue. My niece now has a little lesion on her as well. How was your son and stepdaughter's treated? Can you explain the treatment or refer me to a link on it? My sis said the doctor prescribed some extremely expensive medications or something for it.......and when she was reading up on it, she didn't like the sounds of it.........thanks for any info you can provide.

[tiki]

I'll PM you.

[Mz. Pixie]

I totally agree that they would rather be with me when they are sick. I don't want to be away from them when they are sick either. My fiance's exwife does this and it drives me crazy. Kid running 104 and she's not around! I'm not sure how to handle? Should I just say when they kids are sick they need to be with me? He's going to say no and then I will have to force him or take him back to court. In the meantime I can't withhold them from him legally I do not think, can I?

 

I lightly suggested to him that perhaps it's too hard on him to have them half the time (it would be for alot of men) and that if he would like I could have them more to help him out. He went ballistic. He said something like do not mention me having my kids less again or you will not like the outcome. WTF?

 

The problem is, I gave in in the divorce on the financial end to get rid of him and not drag it out. He has mistakenly got a inflated head and thinks that if we go back to court he will get full custody or something so he's threatening me. I didn't have to give him what I did, but he's too stupid to realize I did it out of the goodness of my heart.

 

My boss said, he thinks he's doing you a favor? Well, what does he want a cookie?

[tiki]

Just tell him that you want the hoodlums when they're sick. Big dealio. He needs to get over it, you are their mom. By default, you're more nurturing in nature. If they are sick, you should be taking care of them.

 

He sounds like a lot of talk to me. What a goob.

[Mz. Pixie]

Everytime I start to feel remotely guilty for what I did to end the marriage, he does something like this which proves to me I was right for leaving him to begin with. Selfish *ucktard!

 

I want the kids to have both parents in their lives. He only wants them when he doesn't have anything else going on- like one of his hobbies. Otherwise, he couldn't care less if I had them. He also won't give up without a fight because he knows that's what I want- to have them all the time.

 

My fiance's frat brother is one of the best attorneys in this area and he would be WAY out of our price range if they hadn't been roomies at college. Since they were- it wouldn't cost us much to take him back to court. That and my little book of notes I've been keeping will come in handy!

[tiki]

Do you REALLY think he wants both of your kids full-time? Your makin my belly ache from laughin. No man wants no life. And no offense, but two full-time kids is basically like having no life...you know that! He's just playing you.

 

He'd be lost. No time for his hobbies. And I doubt his fiance would want to take on that job, parenting two kids that weren't her own.

 

And if he knows the attorney, even better. He probably knows what a dumb cluck he is.

 

No worries.

[FolderWife]

In THAT case take his sorry lazy good for absofreakinglutely nothing a$$ to COURT!

 

Good job keeping the journals, by the way

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh, no, he doesn't want them full time, he's just doing that to twist me. He doesn't have a fiance, just a girlfriend right now. If I were her I'd seriously rethink my relationship with him because he's too involved with me still! Actually, she's perfect for him. Her first husband was a selfish jerk too- who eventually cheated on her and left her for another woman. Anything he wanted, no matter what she NEEDED, he got. She's perfect for my exhusband, she is the kind of person who puts all of her needs aside when she is in a relationship and focuses on the man. Right now, she's all sweet and honey to my kids- which is in her best interest. Since she knows me, she's probably scared not to be.

 

It's my fiance's frat brother who is the attorney. My fiance' has him on speed dial too I'm so thankful that my fiance' is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my kids are taken care of!

[brashgal]

Not treating her ear infection could be construed as child abuse - I'd like to poke something in his ear and say "hey, how does that feel?"

 

Good luck with all the legal stuff!

[Mz. Pixie]

It just keeps getting better. I've been sitting here in tears because I am so angry! He keeps sending me these terrible e mails. He's threatening to contact my fiance'- about what I'm not sure- he knows everything there is to know. He tells me at the end of this last e mail to contact his attorney if I have any questions.

 

I'm not ever contacting his attorney. He can bite me and the attorney can too. I feel like getting in the car and driving down to his work and confronting him in person. He thinks he can threaten to take me back to court every time I do something he doesn't like? Every e mail he sends me has all these personal attacks in it. Every e mail I have ever sent him has been professional and says things like- let's work it out for the kids- let's try to get along for the kids- and I have never said a personal word about him in those e mails. Does anyone have ANY idea how hard that is for me??? To sit there and read the nasty things he says to me but to still have to reply back in a professional manner so that it won't come back on me later??

 

When we go to court and I have all these e mails to prove that I have tried to work things out with him for the sake of the kids it's not going to look very good.

 

That's what is driving me insane- that I can't tell him exactly what I think because if I do he can use it against me.

 

I swear, I do not even smoke, but I could smoke a carton of cigarettes right now. Or go postal............

[scratch]

Originally posted by tiki

Do you REALLY think he wants both of your kids full-time? Your makin my belly ache from laughin. No man wants no life. And no offense, but two full-time kids is basically like having no life...you know that!

 

Originally posted by tiki

Just tell him that you want the hoodlums when they're sick. Big dealio. He needs to get over it, you are their mom. By default, you're more nurturing in nature. If they are sick, you should be taking care of them.

 

Wow. These are the most blatantly chauvansitic posts I've ever seen on this forum. Females are automatically better nurturers? Men don't want to take care of their children as much as women do?

 

I'd love to hear the support for that. Better yet, I'd love to hear how your position differs from arguments that men are better leaders than women, or whites are smarter than blacks.

[Mz. Pixie]

I never said he couldn't take care of them, but he clearly isn't because he's too busy doing all the things that drove us apart in the first place. His hobbies and what he wants to do come first before ANYTHING.

 

Some men are very nurturing. That being said, I had many young couples in the church I attended when I was married. Only about two fathers out of fifty or so were really caretakers. It's not something that society encourages unfortunately.

[scratch]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I never said he couldn't take care of them, but he clearly isn't because he's too busy doing all the things that drove us apart in the first place. His hobbies and what he wants to do come first before ANYTHING.

 

Some men are very nurturing. That being said, I had many young couples in the church I attended when I was married. Only about two fathers out of fifty or so were really caretakers. It's not something that society encourages unfortunately.

 

I have no issue with any of the statements you made about your husband. But that doesn't mean that I'm willing to generalize that women are better or more nurturing parents.

 

But in my experience, over 99% of the top positions at my offices were held by men. I surely don't think that therefore men are smarter, better at law, or better leaders than women. Yet, you seem to make that argument above. Can you agree with one, but not the other?

[smile95]

SOunds like you have a very selfish exH and I bet he put himself before all others while you were married too! I am not sure how someone could treat their own children that way, but some do. I guess you know next time to not give him any responibility when it comes to the health of your children. Sorry you have to deal with that. I know what it is like to deal with a selfish mate.

[soccorsilly]

Unless there is something else there--let him huff and puff about court all he wants. It seems you have documented a good deal, and a journal and certainly the emails can go a lonmg way to proving your point.

 

I forgot how old the kids are but I am assuming young with ear infections, but you also need to be aware that they may have a choice in this as they become older. In most states, at 14 a kid can make his own decision and petition the court to change a custody arrangement, so my14 yr old could petition and ask to live with me full time and would stand a great chance of having it done.

 

I agree with the poster about nurturing parents--I do take some offense to the generalization but I also know Tiki did not mean it--right? right Tiki

 

Women can be just as selfish but you just don't hear about those that often because it is easier to say it is the dad.

 

As for him wanting the kids, he may want them but is he able to care for them. This may be a ploy to weasel out of child support--he may be under the false impression that whatever he may be paying is supporting the kids and your lavish lifestyle (LOL) when in reality it is probably close to 30% or 40% of just suporting the kids. At least that is the way it seems to me.

 

A friend of mine hasd a similar situation where her ex was threatening to take the kids away--she is not a perfect mom and her kids are difficult and he was playing on this in that the teen daughter tried drugs, that the one kid was in trouble at school and the other was not doing well--and trying to blame it on her child rearing. Actually he just wanted to get rid of or reduct the child support. They went to court and the judge read the statement and she said "your Honor, I think he may be right and I have no problem with the custody being awarded to him 100% and I am willing to provide child support based on my earnings (she is a transcriptionist so there is not a lot of $$$)" Well, this guy just **** himself. He went into a huddle with his attorney and came back out and withdrew his complaint. So sometimes you need to call a bluff

[brashgal]

she said "your Honor, I think he may be right and I have no problem with the custody being awarded to him 100% and I am willing to provide child support based on my earnings (she is a transcriptionist so there is not a lot of $$$)" Well, this guy just **** himself. He went into a huddle with his attorney and came back out and withdrew his complaint

.

 

Yikes, so then the kids think that neither Mom nor Dad want them? I hope they realized what Mom was doing.

 

That's what is driving me insane- that I can't tell him exactly what I think because if I do he can use it against me.

 

Remember, you behaved like a civilized human being and he didn't - ultimately you want what is best for the kids - don't lose sight of that. He's being a real @ss and it will hurt him in the end.

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks guys!

 

Soccor- the kids are almost four and nine.

 

He doesn't pay child support, only the daycare expense. That is what we agreed upon but in reality it isn't enough. He makes triple what I do. I can provide a roof over their heads and food but that's about it. Thank goodness when I get remarried I will be able to do better. You better believe it has pissed me off that he has new clothes and he sends the kids in yucky clothes to my house and that he can pay for a babysitter to go on dates etc but won't buy his kids new shoes to have at my house. I can't afford the things he can.

 

He thinks I'm living the high life over there. I'm not sure how he thinks that considering I gave him everything in the divorce just to get out. His family had put me through so much emotional abuse that I just couldn't stand it anymore. He didn't want to give me child support because he though that I would spend it. That's a real laugh considering how much money I ever spent on myself when we were married.

[tiki]

Originally posted by scratch

These are the most blatantly chauvansitic posts I've ever seen on this forum. Females are automatically better nurturers? Men don't want to take care of their children as much as women do?

 

I'd love to hear the support for that.

 

It's my opinion and I don't have to support it. Let me guess, you're a man?

 

This father is (obviously) passing up his obligation to take care of (and nurture) his ill child. Hmm. Speaks for itself.

 

I'm not saying all fathers are like this. I'm not saying all mothers are better parents. But it's obvious to me that when you're dealing with a sick child, most prefer their mother's care.

 

Back to the original topic.....

 

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

He keeps sending me these terrible e mails.

 

Don't let him. Keep what you have and block him from email or change your email address.

 

You really ought to consider going back to court and getting child support. Is it joint custody, full custody? My H pays a heapload of CS every month. Hundreds of dollars every WEEK.