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Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:07 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
Yeah, I knew my math was off. She 'just turned 22' and I left out 9 months pregnancy. So 15 or 16 at conception but we don't know when the affair started.
Right. I hope Brian's mom has a good therapist to help her recover from her victimization.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:14 PM   #32
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Look, I can't take it back. Would in a heartbeat even if it meant not having Brian, but I can't. I messed up. I know. I want to do what is right for all of my children and my wife. Brian's mom is her own person. I've never been in trouble for it, so I don't really know or care about it being statutory rape. It's been in front of judges, they know.

I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:18 PM   #33
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I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.
So what are you going to do to show Brian that he is as important, and accepted by you as your wife and two other children are.

If you want to do right by that kid, that's the answer. He's equal, not less than, not a secret....

He needs to see, he needs you to show the world that you are PROUD to be his father, not ashamed to be.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:19 PM   #34
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The idea that you have to ignore a 5 year old in public makes me heartsick for the little boy.
Oh believe me, it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:20 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
Oh believe me, it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.
Well, this particular problem could be solved simply by "outing" the situation.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:21 PM   #36
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Oh believe me, it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.
Maybe..... But then you decided that your marriage was worth hurting this boy.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:23 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
Look, I can't take it back. Would in a heartbeat even if it meant not having Brian, but I can't. I messed up. I know. I want to do what is right for all of my children and my wife. Brian's mom is her own person. I've never been in trouble for it, so I don't really know or care about it being statutory rape. It's been in front of judges, they know.

I'd like to get the focus back on Brian. He's a great kid, I'm in awe of him and he's five. I wish I was more like him.


We are all happy that you want to focus on Brian. That is a wonderful thing.


What we are trying to point out is why your wife is having such a hard time accepting your son.


As the adult for his sake she needs to do better not blaming the innocent child for your very bad behavior. However, because the circumstances of his conception were so hurtful to her -- not just the infidelity but the illegality of it all -- she needs more support then you are giving her.


You are a very lucky man. I'm not sure most women would stand by their man in her shoes.


So I reiterate: your family needs FAMILY COUNSELING so everybody your wife & kids can wrap their heads about how Brian came into existence. they may need some help dealing with their feelings for him. the Answer may end up being you get a divorce; you see Brian at the appointed visitation and you see your other kids when they want to see you which may be never.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:24 PM   #38
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So what are you going to do to show Brian that he is as important, and accepted by you as your wife and two other children are.

If you want to do right by that kid, that's the answer. He's equal, not less than, not a secret....

He needs to see, he needs you to show the world that you are PROUD to be his father, not ashamed to be.
I am so proud to be his dad. I love how many people love him. I love that he's the pizza store's little mascot, and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go in and have pizza and ice cream with him. I can't tell you how close I've been to getting out of the car and going in when I see he's there. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:27 PM   #39
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Your guilt is eating up at you from every corner, and it looks like it's cowering you into inaction.

It seems you're the one in need of therapy so you can get your act together and act like a father.

This little boy is here now and according to you, his mother is doing a great job raising him so it looks like he'll be fine but if you want to be part of his life in a meaningful and positive way, you need to stop allowing your wife to make you feel guilty for betraying her (that part is done, you can't change that and you're now back together anyway) and do what you need to do for the little boy's sake.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:28 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
I am so proud to be his dad. I love how many people love him. I love that he's the pizza store's little mascot, and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go in and have pizza and ice cream with him. I can't tell you how close I've been to getting out of the car and going in when I see he's there. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
So then change it. Publicly claim this child as your offspring. This is not rocket science.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:29 PM   #41
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Oh believe me, it did me too. That smile and those eyes, and the look on his face when she carried him back into the room they were in just shattered me, and I thought maybe my marriage wasn't worth it.
Are is it your wife who asks of you to keep him a secret and not tell anyone of him? Do you think she'll divorce you if you publicly acknowledge him?

If that's the case, maybe you should ask yourself if this is the woman you want to be married to. She's either able to see how her negative feelings are affecting a 5 year old child and willing to work on it, or she's perfectly fine with inflicting lasting damage on to an innocent child and doesn't want to work on it.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:32 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
So then change it. Publicly claim this child as your offspring. This is not rocket science.
Is it just me, or does anyone else also think the OP is using his family as an excuse for not wanting to acknowledge his relationship with his son publicly?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:41 PM   #43
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Is it just me, or does anyone else also think the OP is using his family as an excuse for not wanting to acknowledge his relationship with his son publicly?
Not purposefully, but it looks like he's letting it happen by his inaction.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:44 PM   #44
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Is it just me, or does anyone else also think the OP is using his family as an excuse for not wanting to acknowledge his relationship with his son publicly?

No. I don't get that vibe. I do see a guy who makes lousy decisions -- about having sex with a teenager, about dealing with the legal fall out from that, about not acknowledging how hard this "reminder" (poor Brian) is on his family; about some fantasy notion that he can have it all (the original family plus Brian) without consequences.


A lot of people in this tragedy need to grow up but I genuinely think the guy wants to be part of Brian's life. That said, maybe the best thing for Brian is for him to walk away & stop putting the little guy in conflicting situations. I have to believe that the best parent would put the child's needs first rather than his own selfish desire to be in the kid's life at the cost of the kid's self esteem.


I am not a child psychologist which is why I keep urging the OP to get everybody into therapy
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:48 PM   #45
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Okay, so you have ruined the lives of two children. How you're treating Brian is also extremely hurtful to his mother.
This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.
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