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CrockPot Family (Blended), Teenage Step Son Smoking Weed, Wife is Manipulated


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Old 25th May 2017, 2:28 PM   #1
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CrockPot Family (Blended), Teenage Step Son Smoking Weed, Wife is Manipulated

Well, I guess the title of this thread is really digging into the issues of what is going on. We are a blended family. My wife (Son 14, Daughter 18), Me (Daughter 9). I met my wife (2 years married) about 5 years ago as a football coach for her son. They were going through a divorce with her ex who cheated on them.
We recently moved (1 year ago) to a nicer part of town and my son has gotten kicked out of school (8th grade) for taking drugs to school. He was sent to a continuation school and did not want to finish the year off there, so his mom allowed him to do online school. He sneaks out in the middle of the night, sometimes in broad day light to meet up with his friends, gets high and comes home at 3 or 4 am. It has gotten to a point where his mom has not started calling the police, but after a couple of weeks where she sends him off to his grandmothers house, he manipulates her with the ideals of signing a contract to behave, or he promises this or that.
It has gotten to a point where I am not allowed to interject in any issues with what to do. He put holes in the wall, stomped on the roof solar panels, and I've had it. My daughter has not been exposed to this lifestyle before, so I wanted her to be safe from it and asked her mom to let her stay with her. She only lives a block away from us which is nice.
So she has now been there for about 2 months.
Life stinks right now, I miss my daughter, even though I see her daily as I walk her to/from school, or have lunch with her. But my wife's kid doesnt care. He is 5'8" and about 180 lbs. He decided to bump into me 2 months ago when I had my daughter go and I had to take him down and call the police. I am a retired cop myself and will not be manipulated or punked like his mom.
The problem is that she constantly lets him talk up a big game and he acts good for a day and then starts up again.
We are a Christian family, I am a pastor and even though I know what the Lord's Word says, to actually go through this is tough and I wanted to share this with someone. Any ideas of what you have done to make things work?
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Old 25th May 2017, 4:13 PM   #2
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Any ideas of what you have done to make things work?
Is your stepson's dad in the picture? Could he stay with him?

Look, you're in one of those situations where you'll have to break some eggs if you're going to make an omelette. My first allegiance would be to my 9 yr old - no way is she not living with me. So I'd work things backwards from there in order to provide her a safe and healthy environment.

I went through addiction with my own child so I understand the chaos and drama involved. As you're finding out, there's no "contract" that binds someone whose life is out of control. And until you wife sees this, there's no peace in your household. So my conditions for staying in the marriage would be these:

1). Family counseling, every one participates.
2). Drug testing for junior with consequences.
3). Rules that everyone agrees to with consequences.

You may have some difficult choices ahead. Stay strong and true to your values and principles, no other way to go...

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Old 25th May 2017, 5:15 PM   #3
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You seem to be all about the discipline, but there seems to be an underlying issue here that isn't being addressed. This is more than just normal teenage rebellious behavior. Does he have some undiagnosed mental health issue? Is he seeing anyone?

I really don't know if lack of punishment is the issue in this case. He already got kicked out of school for bringing weed to school (wow harsh school) and has had the police called on him multiple times by the sound of it.
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Old 29th May 2017, 7:38 AM   #4
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Every child needs a strong male father figure in their life to provide them with the guidance and love that is necessary to become a healthy adult. As you know, we are called to model the Love and Grace that we are shown by our Father in heaven but it is not without reproof, remember Proverbs 3:11-12. I understand there may be some hurt from the divorce lingering but have you and your wife and the young man's father all spoken so you can be consistent and united in the discipline and guidance of this young man?
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Old 29th May 2017, 10:00 PM   #5
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I really don't know if lack of punishment is the issue in this case. He already got kicked out of school for bringing weed to school (wow harsh school) and has had the police called on him multiple times by the sound of it.
Schools are considered no-tolerance zones for drugs. He being expelled is an appropriate response and well-supported. If only schools were as harsh about bullying, etc.
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Old 30th May 2017, 9:04 PM   #6
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I hope things get better for you but the way kids think nowadays is rough.
My H tried his best with my D too. You would think she'd be more careful as my H is a cop too. But she doesn't. Right now her life is off the rails and the one thing she wont do is stop smoking. This is why we have held everything back from her. I am about to go to court in a few weeks to try and emancipate her.

Try to get your son to go to a recovery program and go to counseling. He needs to understand why he is turning to that drug and hopefully you can work it out as a family.
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Old 30th May 2017, 9:12 PM   #7
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Can you please explain by what you meant when you wrote you

"had to take him down"...exactly...thanks...deb
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Old 1st June 2017, 11:21 AM   #8
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Schools are considered no-tolerance zones for drugs. He being expelled is an appropriate response and well-supported. If only schools were as harsh about bullying, etc.
Meh, I think it's way over the top personally. When I was in high school half the kids at school had pot on them.

I agree that I wish they were that harsh about bullying.
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Old 20th June 2017, 6:10 AM   #9
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a lot of people smoke pot. usually they start pretty young. my mom hated it for her kids and she used to say, "pot is not the problem, it's a symptom''.

all of us have children and orphans and some of them are daily smokers.

the ones that smoke have already graduated and are working in corporate jobs, having quit long enough to take a drug test or passed the test using someone else's urine.

my point is, it's not the end of the world.

maybe try to see it as a lifestyle choice, like being a nudist, a wiccan or following the grateful dead.

make sure he doesn't get caught dealing and that he understands never to drive under the influence. tell him the facts about what he faces if he gets caught, charged and/or convicted.

make sure he has the phone number to a bailbonds man on him at all times.

in other words, treat it like he's got a disease you are going to try to help him to manage.

you don't want to lose him and i doubt he's going to quit until he's ready.

for some reason he doesn't want to feel his feelings, he wants to be someone different or he needs heavy doses of smoke just to relax. and that's the convo you need to be interested in.

it's gotten to the point of violence. it's time to step back and understand that he doesn't care what you think and if you twart him, he's gonna get angry.

try to remember that there are millions of people that smoke pot every day, hell even every hour and most of them do just fine.

he might turn out to be addicted to basements, video games and chipsy doodles, but if you teach him now that everyone has a duty to stay out of jail, earn their own living and not drive under the influence, i think that's success.


lower your standards to the level that keeps him alive, out of jail and working.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 11:52 AM   #10
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At this point, I feel it would be time to sit down with his mother and have a firm discussion about the situation. It may be an uncomfortable conversation but you are missing out on a life with your daughter because your stepson is acting badly and being enabled by his mother. Sit down and come up with some REAL consequences for the boy that the two of you can agree upon and will stick to. Just don't let it turn into a "me or him" ultimatum.

Do be honest, I would call the cops on him if he sneaks out and wanders in stoned again. I have taught for a long time and some kids only respond to the harshest of consequences..
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Old 24th June 2017, 8:36 PM   #11
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If he's only 18, at this point, I'd tell her either she lets you discipline him or you're moving out. Your marriage won't survive 4 more years of this anyway.

At the very least, take her to a therapist.
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Old 24th June 2017, 8:42 PM   #12
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One post wonder. Thread closed. ~6
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