dixiegal Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 My high school aged daughter has been dating a boy from a very wealthy family. They own two huge houses, horses, several vehicles. It's her first boyfriend. He is a sweet kid and his family is very nice. I am new at all this daughter dating boys stuff. My daughter does not work or drive yet. (My daughter will get a job when she is able, right now she is focusing on school.)Her boyfriend does not work or drive yet. He does make a good allowance working around the house for his family. The thing is, his family spends money like there is no tomorrow. We are middle to lower middle class. We have a budget. We cannot afford to randomly spend money. Everything has to be budgeted. I can't just go out shopping any time I want. We don't do things like go to the movies unless it is planned. We rarely eat out unless it's planned for. We rarely buy new clothes unless it's for the new school year. You get the idea. I just cannot compete with this ! I don't know what to do. Examples: We didn't plan on getting his family anything for Christmas, or getting him anything BECAUSE they had only been dating two weeks. His family gave us 100.00 and he gave my daughter 50.00. I was humiliated that I didn't give them anything but a card. His mother bought me an EXPENSIVE bottle of perfume at the mall when we all went out together. I didn't know she was going to do it. I just mentioned I liked it and next thing I know, she got it for me. She said it was for me being a good mom and that good moms deserve appreciation. We gave him 20.00 in a card and some candy for his birthday. On my daughter's birthday he gave her a real gold necklace and his mom gave her 50.00. She takes my daughter/her son out and spends a lot of money on them. Movies, fancy dinner, shopping. My daughter came home last time with an outfit, jewelry, hoodie, and body spray. I am NOT JEALOUS. I appreciate all they have done and do for my daughter. I just don't know what to do? ? I can't compete with their lifestyle. I took them out last weekend and they went to the matinee movie, then I took them to the mall, but I couldn't spend much.I did pay for the movie and popcorn/drinks. He paid for our dinner in the mall food court (I offered to pay for my own). I felt really bad about it because I know that's not the experience they have when they go out with his family!! What should I do? Nothing ? Take out a loan? So far I have just been really thankful/grateful to them. i have taught my daughter to be very thankful. They have seen our house and what we drive. They have to know we cannot possibly compete/keep up with them. Why do I still feel like crap? They don't look down on us, at least they don't seem to. My biggest question to my daughter was would they consider adopting me?:lmao: I joke but still....isn't this all a little excessive? Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 It sounds as though they are also very generous. Many with money are well aware of the financial situation of others. I doubt they care at all, they most likely enjoy sharing their success. I would just do you. Show them what you have to offer other than money. A safe comforting home where people feel they can be safe and open. A home cooked meal etc. These things go a lot further than material things. Make sure your daughter stays polite, helps out at their home, and doesn't ask for anything from them. Accepting is fine if they offer. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Well, it definitely sounds like a huge lifestyle difference. You can't compete, so don't try. With gifts focus on thoughtful gifts rather than trying to match a price $. I'm sure they are intelligent enough to figure out that you aren't in the same tax bracket as them and aren't expecting you to go bankrupt spoiling them. I have to ask though, do you chaperone all of your daughters dates? You said, she's in high school right, not elementary school? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Talk to your daughter about the differences. Do accept their generosity but if it really bothers you speak to the other mom. Be gracious & appreciative of their generosity but point out to her that she is unwittingly making you feel bad. Try to do something nice for their family if you can, even baking them cookies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Trust me they do not expect you to compete with them when it comes to gift giving and taking you out. It is their joy because they love your daughter and you and are so happy that she makes their son happy. They know your financial situation more than you think and expect nothing but your company. A home cooked meal sounds yummy. Anyone can go to a restaurant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiegal Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 I have to ask though, do you chaperone all of your daughters dates? You said, she's in high school right, not elementary school? Neither of them drive. So, chaperone ....not exactly. Drive, yes. Either his parents or us. If they go to the mall they are on their own and I will shop in other stores or come back to pick them up later. I was invited to eat with them in the mall food court. At the movies I paid for their tickets/popcorn and left. Also, we do all hang out from time to time. (Both families). The kids are great kids, they actually ask for us to hang around sometimes. She is in high school, you are correct. This is her first boyfriend. I felt a harsh undertone to your comment as though I am completely sheltering my daughter. I'm not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 They sound like great kids. Just let this play out. Unless you see your daughter turning into a materialistic monster don't worry about it. The love & support you give her & her BF are priceless. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 I think the way you feel is very understandable, anyone who is not some kind of leech would probably feel the same way. The way it sounds, these people don't expect you to keep up with them and arem't doing it to get something in return. Her comment about good moms deserving recognition was really nice and they seem like good people. To be honest I would try and relax and focus on showing them that while you don't have the resources, you have love and kindness. Gifts that you give them can be something handmade and thoughtful. I know that I really love getting a nice framed picture as a present or a photo album, both of which don't cost much but have a lot of meaning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiegal Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 I appreciate all the replies. Sounds like I need to relax and let it go. I need not to beat myself up for not being able to keep up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlmostFamous Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 I think they are being very kind and sweet to you and perhaps the best way to go about things like that is offer them things you can like a nice meal at your home. Let them know that you are by no means able to do many things like go out to eat or buy new things. But tell them you would love to make a really nice meal for them and that way their son and your daughter can enjoy time while the parents get to know each other. That is how I see you not feeling like crap. You can impress them with your cooking skills along with your kindness,generosity, and hospitality. I hope you do not continue feeling like crap because that would not be good for you. I hope my suggestion helps.:) Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 She is in high school, you are correct. This is her first boyfriend. I felt a harsh undertone to your comment as though I am completely sheltering my daughter. I'm not. Not trying to be mean, just caught me off guard a bit. I guess it's a generational thing. I can't imagine anyone having gone out quite like that back when I was in high school. But everyone had jobs then, and if you didn't drive you took transit or a taxi or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiegal Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 It is a generational thing and where we live we don't have public transportation. We live way out in the country , so nothing in walking distance. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 When was dating my only exBF, his family and mine had a wealth gap like that. Only, your family is decent and low-income, mine was grinding poverty and abuse. But I get what you are saying about the wealth gap. And trust me, it is probably awkward for the kids too. In my situation, I was literally so poor that my sister and I were wondering where food was going to come from. His family practically had a grocery store in the basement. When I ate with my BF, I felt awkward at the meal because I was ravenous. I didn't want to be a leech. However, I found out that all he wanted to do was love me and take care of me when he fed me huge meals or bought me stuff. I'd say if your daughter's BF's family is buying stuff, they simply are being nice. It doesn't have to mean more than that. Now that my exBF and I are older (and still great friends) I've learned a bit about what was going on in our heads back then. He still lives pretty much in the way that his parents did. I've developed my own way of living, since I refuse to do what my parents did. If the relationship between your daughter and their son lasts, that's probably where the REAL tension will begin. Trying to make a household with people from two very different backgrounds makes it interesting. Fortunately, you are a long way from that. Relax, and take it as it comes. Be you, don't compete. Link to post Share on other sites
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