Worried my daughter is heading for heartbreak..

[SunMace]

Where to start...

 

My daughter is 21, she's been at her current job 3 years, she's got a few friends there (though she has always been maddenly picky when it comes to people, she's different to me and her siblings in that she keeps people at arms length so as a result she doesn't have a massive circle of friends).

 

There was this guy at her work, that she did like and did get on with but I know for a fact it was strictly platonic, when she met him her was married with a 1 year old son).

Its not like she's super open and we have this massive chats about feelings, because we don't, she's not like that, but I just always got the impression that she did like him somewhat.

 

7 months ago he was, sadly, and suddenly, widowered.

From what I know of him, and from what I know from mutual friends, he completely idolised his wife, they had been together since they were 13, and obviously he was completely heartbroken.

 

He and my daughter were friends before his wife died, but they have definitely become closer friends after! In the last 4 months or so they have become especially close!

 

She spends so much time with him! She'll have dinner with him, go shopping with him, go to the park with him and his little boy.

She would swear black is blue that they are purely friends, which they may be, but I'm her mum and I'm a woman and I can see the way she looks at him in all those photos. I know she likes him.

 

I don't interfere in my kids lives, definitely not their love lives BUT I really am worried about her!

He's 26. He has a four year old. She is only 21 but she is in someways a mature 21!

What worries me most is that his wife only died 7 months ago and she's falling in love with him, (or is already?) and he is simply rebounding? Or clinging to something to replace what he's lost?

 

She's my little girl and I want to tell her to be careful but I don't know how! All i'll get is "for god sake mum, we're friends"

I KNOW you do have to let your kids be but how can you bear to watch them put themselves in a position to get hurt, underneath that tough exterior she's a sensitive girl.

 

Any advice?

[JewelD]

Well it doesn't sound like she's in imminent danger of getting her heart broken. Just because he is recently widowed doesn't mean he couldn't have true feelings for your daughter.

 

Then again, they might just really be friends while he's going through a hard time.

 

I wouldn't say anything unless she brings it up to you. You may be right in your assessment of the situation, but I think you know she's going to do what wants to do in the end anyway.

[BettyDraper]

I would be concerned too. She's too young to take on a widower with a son. That's just too much baggage for such a young woman.

[SunMace]

Well it doesn't sound like she's in imminent danger of getting her heart broken. Just because he is recently widowed doesn't mean he couldn't have true feelings for your daughter.

Yeah and he could be a lovely man, my husbands met him and he did like him, but it just worries me. There's been plenty of handsome, very nice, very available young men over the years that have wanted to date her that she has turned down, why him!?

 

She might act like she's tough as nails but that girl has a massive heart and shes more sensitive than people think!

When she gave her heart to a man she was always going to be 100% all in, and I worry that shes got her heart set on him and he's not going to be in a place to do anything but hurt her, ultimately.

 

The very fact of the speed that they seem to have gotten close strikes me as odd!!

In the last 4 months they seem to be spending SO much time together, more than you would normally spend in a new relationship (obviously they work together too), but she seems very involved with him ...and with this son, and it seems to me like he might just be trying to fill a gap in his life. Its just all seems rushed.

 

You may be right in your assessment of the situation, but I think you know she's going to do what wants to do in the end anyway.

Yes, she will, she's stubborn! She's a clever girl and i wish i could just make her slow down and reassess the situation but i cant!

[SunMace]

I would be concerned too. She's too young to take on a widower with a son. That's just too much baggage for such a young woman.

 

hmm! Its not like id dream of forbidding her a relationship or anything else, i believe you do have to let your kids make mistakes, within reason, but i just worry that she could be making a massive one and that she isnt fully equipt to deal with the fall out.

 

To stand there, as a mum, and watch it unfold, when i cant seem to find the words to help her, is really really hard.

[ChickiePops]

Everyone gets their heart broken at some point. She's an adult..all you can do is let her make her own mistakes and be there to help pick up the pieces when she does. Your job as a mom is to raise her to be able to take care of herself, not to rely on you forever.

[SunMace]

Everyone gets their heart broken at some point. She's an adult..all you can do is let her make her own mistakes and be there to help pick up the pieces when she does. Your job as a mom is to raise her to be able to take care of herself, not to rely on you forever.

 

I know your right, I do! Its just so hard to watch as her mum. I've never been a helicopter parent or anything but you still want to protect your kids, even when they are young adults.

 

My husbands able to meet him, and shake hands with him, but i just want to be able to like say to him "i'm so sorry your wife died, but don't make my daughter fall in love with you if you are just trying to fill a void in your life", but obviously i never would do that! For starters i don't think my daughter would ever speak to me again if i did!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yeah and he could be a lovely man, my husbands met him and he did like him, but it just worries me. There's been plenty of handsome, very nice, very available young men over the years that have wanted to date her that she has turned down, why him!?

 

 

 

Well that last part is easy...

 

 

They were each put in a controlled environment (work) where they could conveniently learn a lot about one another, withOUT the usual social environments (clubs, alcohol, stupidity) throwing-off either of them.

 

And she, at 21, got to witness somebody who (apparently) really does value the things that 21yo women want men their age to value (instead of clubs, alcohol, and stupidity).

 

 

SO, the girl creates and pays attention to this ideal he seemed to represent... and then that real human being was made to suffer a terrible fate.

 

He has every right to react in just about any way he wants, to such unfairness (from life), and her interest IN him is more a function of the controlled environment which allowed her to get to know him, and some of his values.

 

 

As for you, would you prefer your daughter find a mate on the basis of a dozen 15-minutes speed dates done over a 3-hour period some night... OR would you prefer she draw a mate via a well-founded friendship derived from their just happening to have worked together over a period of time?

 

 

And as for the eventual man your daughter pairs-off with, would you prefer that he be absolutely perfect, OR could you stand him to have known a deep and impacting personal tragedy before he began dating your daughter?

[SunMace]

Thank you @SincereOnlineGuy I completely see where you are coming from, it helps, thank you!!

 

I can see why she likes him I guess! She seems him everyday at work, and not many people live up to her expectations so if he does he must be quite charming, and as a good husband & father of course he would represent the happy little family she has always wanted.

 

I guess I can see why she would want to step into that instant little family. I can't blame her for that.

 

Its not that i blame him either! It was a tragedy, I'm sure he thought he had his whole life planned and then lost everything over night, I'm sure that if you are suddenly alone in the world there is some comfort in suddenly having someone around that likes you, and wants to try that new restaurant with you, watch that TV series you love with you, take your son to the zoo with you. Although there's nothing wrong with that in the short term, my worry is that he's jumping into a quick fix before he can possibly have had time to process his wifes death and ultimately break her heart.

 

Of course I absolutely hear what you're saying, I think any relationship has a much better shot of working when it has a really solid foundation like a friendship to begin with, and of course I don't expect the guy she ends up with to be perfect, she is most certainly not perfect! Him having been through what he has would not put me off him, nor would I be even slightly concerned about him being older or about him having a son.. as long as he treats her well and makes her happy, that's all i could ask, that's all i could ask of any of my childrens partners!!

Its just the timings of this that have set alarm bells ringing in my head!

 

 

 

 

 

Its hard because, i cant tell her what to do, she wouldn't listen anyway, so there's no point to me sounding like a broken record and keep telling her to be careful.

But likewise I do think shes getting too invested too quickly and I dont want to appear like I'm encouraging that..

My eldest son (he and my daughter have a good relationship) told me last week that my daughter asked him if she could have her plus one back to his wedding next month so that she could bring a "friend". He asked me what i thought he should tell her? I honestly don't know, i think i would find it very hard to see them both together and be all friendly with him, like i'm welcoming him to the family or something

[MrDuck]

Its hard because, i cant tell her what to do, she wouldn't listen anyway, so there's no point to me sounding like a broken record and keep telling her to be careful.

But likewise I do think shes getting too invested too quickly and I dont want to appear like I'm encouraging that..

 

My eldest son (he and my daughter have a good relationship) told me last week that my daughter asked him if she could have her plus one back to his wedding next month so that she could bring a "friend". He asked me what i thought he should tell her? I honestly don't know, i think i would find it very hard to see them both together and be all friendly with him, like i'm welcoming him to the family or something

 

Would it not be a good thing to meet him?

You're basically going on hearsay and your own imagination at the moment... why not at least see the real guy/relationship before you make up your mind?

 

Why would she take your opinion when she knows you don't even know the guy?

 

Plus a wedding i would think would be a pretty chilled way to meet, you've probably only got to say your hellos and then its not like you've got to stay with them all night but you should be able to keep an eye on them every now and again and get a feel for there relationship and how he treats her etc

[BettyDraper]

I know your right, I do! Its just so hard to watch as her mum. I've never been a helicopter parent or anything but you still want to protect your kids, even when they are young adults.

 

My husbands able to meet him, and shake hands with him, but i just want to be able to like say to him "i'm so sorry your wife died, but don't make my daughter fall in love with you if you are just trying to fill a void in your life", but obviously i never would do that! For starters i don't think my daughter would ever speak to me again if i did!

 

I agree with this even though I am not a mother. I concur because I believe that parenting never ends.

My parents will always want to protect me and want me to live a happy life.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my parents to watch me date a few losers in the past.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Thank you @SincereOnlineGuy I completely see where you are coming from, it helps, thank you!!

 

I can see why she likes him I guess! She seems him everyday at work, and not many people live up to her expectations so if he does he must be quite charming, and as a good husband & father of course he would represent the happy little family she has always wanted.

 

I guess I can see why she would want to step into that instant little family. I can't blame her for that.

 

Its not that i blame him either! It was a tragedy, I'm sure he thought he had his whole life planned and then lost everything over night, I'm sure that if you are suddenly alone in the world there is some comfort in suddenly having someone around that likes you, and wants to try that new restaurant with you, watch that TV series you love with you, take your son to the zoo with you. Although there's nothing wrong with that in the short term, my worry is that he's jumping into a quick fix before he can possibly have had time to process his wifes death and ultimately break her heart.

 

Of course I absolutely hear what you're saying, I think any relationship has a much better shot of working when it has a really solid foundation like a friendship to begin with, and of course I don't expect the guy she ends up with to be perfect, she is most certainly not perfect! Him having been through what he has would not put me off him, nor would I be even slightly concerned about him being older or about him having a son.. as long as he treats her well and makes her happy, that's all i could ask, that's all i could ask of any of my childrens partners!!

Its just the timings of this that have set alarm bells ringing in my head!

 

 

 

 

 

Its hard because, i cant tell her what to do, she wouldn't listen anyway, so there's no point to me sounding like a broken record and keep telling her to be careful.

But likewise I do think shes getting too invested too quickly and I dont want to appear like I'm encouraging that..

My eldest son (he and my daughter have a good relationship) told me last week that my daughter asked him if she could have her plus one back to his wedding next month so that she could bring a "friend". He asked me what i thought he should tell her? I honestly don't know, i think i would find it very hard to see them both together and be all friendly with him, like i'm welcoming him to the family or something

 

 

 

 

Here's another bit of thinking outside of the box:

 

 

Consider... <gasp!> The internet:

 

 

Now sure, there are lots of people on Tinder, who, say, look at a photo, and decide (at a glance) that they want to meet you (for the first time ever) at Starbucks in 45 minutes...

 

But back in the 1990's, chatrooms were the new thing... and because of pure geography, people were caused to have to sit there and learn piece by piece by piece by piece of another individual before there was any hope of them encountering one another in real life.

 

I would contend that the best gauge of sincerity (and not the boogeyman) on the other end, was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime and attention span. For the bad guys, there was always a LINE to be their next victim, and they had no cause to invest a whole lot of time and attention in one, faraway direction.

 

 

The ***good people*** in those online chat scenarios would indeed be mostly content to invest little bits of themselves back and forth in one another, before eventually meeting after a few months, or whenever.

 

 

And while (the news) only heard the horror stories from online-turned-real-life meetings, there were lots of GOOD meetings, for deserving people who, for whatever reasons, didn't so often put themselves OUT there, socially... and they thrived...

 

 

Well the connection here is the slow and steady injection of the small, personal details by both your daughter and the coworker, into the mind of the other.

 

That is something you just can't simulate in a 15-minute speed date, or even at a bar late at night.

 

 

 

I understand the (likely undefined {because you can't quite put your finger ON the definition}) VIBES that you have in your head, about the likelihood that someone widowed so young might (even have every right to) rebound/react suddenly and impulsively at the expense of anyone around him when he does...

 

 

 

 

but WHAT IF the FEAR you have (relating to him IMPULSIVELY landing in a difficult romantic spot, and at your daughter's ultimate expense) IS surprisingly parallel to the would-be effects of (meeting someone online, and quickly learning that you both visit the same Starbucks anyway, and then thinking THAT enough commonality to race out and meet someone from online who you've never met before)

 

AND what if the fact that WORK has bonded them, and demanded that each invest little by little in one another, over time, and in a very healthy way... makes this unique scenario FAR less risky than the could-be alternatives???

 

 

Firstly, neither wants to go (SO berzerk) that it would interfere with work future, so there are clearly some healthy/dependable roots there. Second, they each know the same network of other coworkers, so there would be greater risk in treating one another especially poorly.

 

 

What if your daughter IS insulated more than just a little bit, and what IF this whole thing really IS O-kaaaaaaaaaay ???